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HAVE COURAGE AND BE KIND

Do you know what I’ve discovered since the dawn of 2016 in just the first half of January?  Situations have gotten pretty scary and a tad bit nuts in our world, as you all know.  2015 was a really nutty time to be an inhabitant of Earth, and nobody has any idea how things are going to turn out in 2016.  If you’re a pessimist and see the glass half-empty then America will be fully engaged in WWIII by 2017, North Korea will have obliterated South Korea, Japan and much of China with a hydrogen bomb, Trump will be president, and concentration camps will dot the countryside filled with Mexicans, Muslims, and whatnots (TBD, since racism never knows any boundaries).  BUT if you’re an optimist and see the glass half-full (as I do), then 2016 just might surprise us all for the better.

New World Order Paresh Nath The Khaleej Times UAE

Cartoon used by permission: New World Order, Paresh Nath, The Khaleej Times UAE/Cagle Cartoons

I can find encouragement in anything.  I look for hope on a daily basis.  As I watched Disney’s 2015 live action version of Cinderella while trying to fulfill one of my New Year’s Resolution’s (exercising on the treadmill for an eternity), so many things in the movie inspired me.  I must confess that Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale because my own personal story is as close to an X-rated Cinderella tale as any living human being that I’ve ever met (check out my first book, Monsters’ Throwdown).  In fact, for me to be a pessimist after all that I have overcome would be sheer blasphemy and the highest form of ingratitude.

By the end of the movie, I was undone.  Because so many of the lines from it touched my heart, I was inspired to put together a 2016 list of optimistic predictions in the face of so much doom and gloom that the news is predicting we will suffer as Americans.  I’ll hold onto them and check back with you this time 2017, and we can determine what type of prophetess I am—one who is a naïve piece of work, or one who just might be onto something.  All the predictions are based on courage and kindness—a major theme of Chris Weitz (the writer of the screenplay) and Kenneth Branagh’s (the director) interpretation of the classic Cinderella story.

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ELEANOR’S 2016 PREDICTIONS

PREDICTION #1:  My first prediction is a personal one.  In 2014/2015 I was diagnosed with “The Sugar” (diabetes for my non-Black readers).  I was and still am determined to kick its ass via diet and exercise.  I am happy to report that by the end of 2015, I no longer need medication nor am I considered a diabetic.  (I did so by first firing the nasty-ass doctor I had who tried to convince me there was no other hope for me except insulin or I would lose my toes, my feet, and my eye sight—you know who you are Dr. CY—may you be accursed!)  Once I found a doc who was willing to work with me, he strategically and safely walked me away from the poor medical advice and the number that would categorize me as a full-blown diabetic, and as he said to me several weeks ago:  “Congratulations, you have transformed your body out of being a diabetic [no longer needing medication] to a pre-diabetic.  You should be proud of yourself.  Given a couple more months—even that will be history.”   I AM IN LOVE WITH MY NEW DOCTOR!!  I predict that by the end of 2017, I will look back on this scary medical phase in my life as a bad distant memory.

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“ELLA CONTINUED TO SEE THE WORLD AS IT COULD BE—NOT AS IT IS . . .”—Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother

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Pre Christmas Weight Cam Cardow Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Cam Cardow, Cagle Cartoons

PREDICTION #2:  I never thought I’d ever hear myself saying this, but Donald Trump will probably win the Republican nomination to run for President, and that will be a very good thing!  (Nope, I haven’t lost my mind.) I’m beginning to see Trump as a gift to our country as he exposes the racism, the xenophobia, the homophobia, the heartless gun-lust, duplicity, and godless greed of a significant group of people in the GOP (not all Republicans—some of my best friends are Repubs—but enough to destroy this Grand Old Party that once freed the slaves).   Trump is not the savior he so arrogantly thinks himself to be, but his behavior is a reflection of what has been hidden for years within the GOP.

I think Trump will win the primary, wiping out all of his Republican opponents as he blocks the entry way of the path to the Oval Office. Then he will hand the election to the Democrats in an overwhelming victory because the tide of resistance that will rise up against him in America will be greater than the power of his fear-driven, blind followers who are spewing venom and hatred.   (Remember, we are the nation that passed the Civil Rights Act without a bloody coup but on the backs of martyrs, twice elected a Black president to the chagrin of many Republicans, legalized gay marriage in all 50 states with major resistance, and we are still the most generous nation on Earth which shows a great deal of courage and kindness.)

We (Americans) are better than Donald Trump, and we will prove it. The GOP created this monster, kept silent when Trump falsely accused the President (over and over again) of not being a true American or a “Christian,” and someone who would destroy our country when all of the evidence proved otherwise. Now the chickens have come home to roost.   I predict that in the end, Trump will destroy the GOP’s chance to occupy the White House for decades to come.

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“THOUGH ELLA WAS SAD, HER SPIRIT WAS NOT BROKEN.”—Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother

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Super Trump Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

PREDICTION #3 

We’ve temporarily lost our minds over the myriad terrorists who threaten us from around the world—including our home grown ones.  But President Roosevelt was correct:  “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”  I predict that if we take a deep collective breath, shake off our fears—stoke the courage embers—and stick to our values (in many cases, figure out what our values are), we will be able to separate the demons from those who need our kindness.  I predict that we will do the right thing in the end toward our own citizens that need a helping hand as well as those who reach out to us who are victims of terrorists in 2016.

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“HAVE COURAGE AND BE KIND . . . AND ALL WILL BE WELL”—Cinderella

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Know Your Enemy John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

PREDICTION #4: 

I predict that God (who, if I know anything about his character, “don’t do ugly”) will show himself to be God in 2016—bringing down so many of the posers who claim to be “doing God’s will”—from the Bundy standoff in Nevada to ISIS leaders in the Middle East.  They won’t all go away in 2016 (there will always be people who claim to speak for God until the end of time), but I predict that there will be a significant amount who meet their demise.  Do you remember how many people claimed to be doing God’s will when they ran for president or vice president over the last decade—“God told me to run for office!”—Palin, Bachmann, Cain, Carson, Jeb Bush, Perry, Romney, Jindal, Walker, Kasich, Santorum, Huckabee, and Cruz.  Either God has been hedging his bets over the last decade or he is messin’ with the GOP.  I choose to believe the latter.

I also predict that 2016 will be the year the Conservative Evangelical church is going to lose its shit!  So many of my ex-peeps have jumped into bed with the Tea Party and the Right Wing talk show and arch-conservative social media groups (Fox, Breitbart, World Net, Jones, Limbaugh, and the like) that they wouldn’t recognize Jesus if he came to Earth and walked on water right in front of their eyes.  They would swear it was Obama trying to trick them into liking a Muslim posing as Jesus doing a magic trick.  The weeping and gnashing of teeth within those groups when McCain and then again Romney lost to Obama (I know because I got their emails) will be child’s play compared to the devastation that will be coming from those quarters.  They will fall all over each other predicting America’s demise because we’ve “turned our backs on God” when we don’t elect their delusional candidates.  Watch this space.

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“KINDNESS IS FREE; LOVE IS FREE”—Cinderella

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Doing God's Will Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

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“KINDNESS IS FREE; LOVE IS FREE”—Cinderella

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PREDICTION #5: 

I predict that what changes in 2016 regarding gun control will be incremental and seem almost pointless, but we shouldn’t get discouraged.  One day, our gun control laws will change—the 2nd Amendment will be changed. The Constitution is not written in stone—if it were, I’d still be a slave, which I’m sure some people would like, but I would find it rather inconvenient.  I predict that what will happen in 2016 is more and more murders, accidents, and suicides by guns will occur—more than we can humanely tolerate.  At some point, these horrific scenes will begin to wash up on the shores of the politicians and gun lobbyists’ families, their neighbors, and their friends at an alarming rate, causing them to reevaluate which is more important—their loved ones’ rights to fulfill their destiny on Earth or a gun owner’s right to pack heat.  (There is nothing as persuasive as an avid gun owner turned gun control crusader.)  In the meantime, I’m hitting my knees and praying that God will have mercy on us all.

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“EVEN THOUGH IT’S WHAT’S DONE, DOESN’T MEAN IT’S WHAT SHOULD BE DONE.”—Cinderella 

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Gun Place in America Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

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ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT 2016

I am discovering that 2016 could be an amazing year of opportunity even though it has already gotten off to a very scary start.  To get through it is going to take a lot of courage enveloped in an ocean of kindness.  I predict that there are enough of us with deep humanity who will be able to take 2016 by the horns, kick America’s demons to the curb, and “Make America Great Again” sans Trump and all that he stands for.  Are you with me?

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“I FORGIVE YOU”—Cinderella

(The last thing Cinderella says to her evil stepmother before departing with the Prince)

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Forgiveness Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

INSPIRTIONAL QUOTES ON COURAGE AND KINDNESS

 “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”—Winston Churchill

“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”—Maya Angelou

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”—Mark Twain

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”—Og Mandino

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IN MEMORY OF DAVID BOWIE

RIP

 (1947-2016)

David Bowie David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

“And these children that you spit on

 As they try to change their worlds

 Are immune to your consultations

 They’re quite aware of what they’re going through.”

(Lyrics from the song: “Changes” by David Bowie)

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ALL INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

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Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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LET’S ALL PANIC AND ABANDON OUR VALUES

Do you know what I am discovering?  It is so good to be Queen!  I’ve got to tell you, my husband and I retired to paradise.  Lawd, have mercy, it is exquisite. I didn’t know that there were places like this on Earth.  Everything is simply perfect—at least now it is.  You see, in the beginning, I had a bit of a problem with foreign entities coming over the border (the nature preserve my property backs up to) and terrorizing my lawn and landscaping, which I paid a pretty penny for.  I’ve shelled out hundreds of dollars to fight terrorism from moles, voles, rabbits, and deer, but to no avail.  Then one day, I was listening to some of the GOP candidates, a chancellor of a Christian college, and the attorney of the cop who executed a Black teenager in Chicago, and I realized that they (Trump, Carson, and Huckabee especially, and the bad cop in particular) were onto a weapon of warfare that was ingenious:  keep broadcasting fear until the American voter panics in sheer terror, succumbs to the will of the fear mongers, abandons all his or her so-called Judeo-Christian values, and makes decisions from a fear-based rationale!  Can we all shout:  “HALLELUJAH?”

Replacing Fear with Gratitude John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Of course!  Why hadn’t I thought of this tactic as a way to eradicate the terrorists on my land?  I’m not saying that all moles, voles, rabbits, and deer are terrorists, but enough of them are to warrant ruthless measures against the entire animal kingdom.  (Although, I must say that I’d been taught to always disdain moles in particular, and that “the only good mole was a dead mole.”)  Besides, desperate times call for desperate means, and I didn’t spend my hard-earned savings on my retirement Shangri-La to have it overrun by these foreigners.

I’d tried saner means:  I’ve used pickle juice, castor oil, bleach, red pepper, juicy fruit gum, and even human hair balls to keep them off my property, but to no avail.  I even tried to bribe my next door neighbor’s cat with fancier cat food than what he normally gets to come and patrol my grounds, but he blew me off.  I would have tried more diabolical methods (broken glass, razor blades, and explosives in the soil), however, my homeowner’s association frowns upon such tactics.  But when I discovered I could broadcast fear through battery-powered ultrasonic devices and vibrators strategically implanted in my golf course perfect lawn, I won the day!  These instruments of terror constantly and consistently emit high pitched noises that sound like the screams of a vole/mole/rabbit’s worst enemies causing them to be in a constant state of agitation until they are driven back in terror.

BOOH-RAH!  THANK YOU, JESUS!  I HAVE WON THE DAY!

Fear of Martians Trump Taylor Jones,El Nuevo Dia Puerto Rico

Cartoon used by permission: Taylor Jones, El Nuevo, Dia Puerto Rico

Feeling quite smug and very proud of myself, I retired for the evening and promptly began to dream.  I dreamt of a gathering of animals deep in the woodlands behind my house.  There were a couple moles and voles, a few rabbits, several snakes, two buzzards, and an owl who seemed to be their leader. It appeared to be some type of resistance movement, and pictures of me were plastered all over the trees that encircled them.

[A rather large owl is seen pounding a stick against a tree stump directly in front of him]

OWL:  “Order!  Let’s all come to order.  We have a lot to accomplish tonight before the first light of day, and we have to go back into hiding.  We are being terrorized by the worst sort of enemy—a born-again Christian who has abandoned her values.  Where the Great God, who created us all, has commanded in scripture that man take dominion over the Earth (as in take care of the Earth and its creatures, which includes not polluting the land), the owner of this bit of Earth has taken it to mean ‘use any means necessary to torment those less fortunate or powerless in order to have an enviable lawn and property.’  Her tactics have brought trauma on all our friends, relatives, and neighbors. It appears that she is being greatly influenced by the fear tactics of a human group called the GOP, which surprises me.  I thought she had abandoned that group years so.  Anyway, before we can work out our strategy against this homeowner (who refuses to share her resources as Christ commands), we need to have a trial.  I call Keisha the Mole as the first witness.  Keisha, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “I do, your Owlness.”

OWL:  “Then let us proceed.  Little Keisha, you are the last one of your tunnel hood.  All your relatives have been obliterated or run off to internment camps.  Can you tell us what happened in your own words?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, you see what had happened was, my family used to live in the hood called the Wilderness Preserve for hundreds of years, but then a nasty-ass ruler came into power.  His name be Land Developer, and he cut down a lot of our wooded lots where I grew up.  The lady blogger bought a house on one of those lots, and we had no choice but to venture onto her property to get food and shelter ‘cause our homesteads were being systematically destroyed.  A lot of us were homeless, and many of us was hungry.”

OWL:  “What about the stories we’ve been hearing about your youth being gunned down in the streets by keepers of the law?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, Missy Landowner say it ‘cause she fears us.  I heard her talkin’ to her sista on the phone one day when she was catchin’ the breeze on her screened in porch, and she was pleadin’ with her sister to bring up her BB gun from South Carolina when she come for Christmas.  Said she was the law here and she’d shoot to kill every goddamn mole she saw and claim it was ‘cause she feared for her life.”

Fear for my life Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

OWL:  “All right Miss Keisha, you can step down now.  The court calls to the witness stand a Mr. Orlando Vole.  Mr. Vole, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

VOLE: “I do your Honor.”

OWL:  “Then you may proceed.

O. VOLE:  “Before I begin, I need to correct the record.  My name is Dr. Orlando Bloom Vole.  I have two PhD’s:  one in animal husbandry and one in human psychology.  I have been observing humans for many years, and it hasn’t been this bad for a long, long time—not since the dark days of lynching in the South.  It is as if human hearts have hardened toward each other as well as the Earth that sustains them.  I travel far and wide through the tunnels my cousins the moles have provided across Virginia, and yesterday I sat in on a student/faculty meeting at Liberty University—a Christian place of learning which claims to be raising up the next generation of leaders.  I heard the Chancellor tell thousands of 18 – 22 year-olds to start packing heat so that if “the Muslims” show up at Liberty, his students and faculty would teach them a lesson.  Jerry Falwell, Jr. said:  ‘I’ve always thought if more good people had concealed carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in.’  The audience cheered.”

Pat Robertson Hate Ratings

Pat Robertson—a champion of the Religious Right, Founder of Christian Broadcasting Network

OWL:  “Immature College kids packing heat on a college campus.  What could possibly go wrong with that scenario?  Oy vez mir!”

VOLE: “My point is, your Honor, where is the love? If so many of the Christians in this great country of ours have no compassion or restraint toward each other, than the Earth and all of its animal inhabitants are toast. It is as their great book says: ‘In the end of days, man’s love for one another will grow cold.’  Your Honor, it is my opinion that the Conservative Evangelical Christian community has allowed their fears to destroy their values.

OWL:  “Thank you, Dr. Vole.  Informative as always.  And now to our final witness.  Would John Deer come up and take the stand?  Is John Deer in the house?  Has anyone seen John Deer?”

[There is a great commotion in the trees, and much flurry and wing flapping as a giant buzzard lands in the gathering of the animal caucus.] 

OWL:  “Whooooooo goes there?”

LB:  “It’s me, your Honor—Lionel Buzzard.  I’ve come on behalf of John Deer.  He is no longer with us, but before he had a heart attack due to the terror he suffered at the hands of said blogger, he asked that I read a statement to the court on his behalf.”

OWL:  “Proceed.”

LB:  “’I, John Deer, being of sound mind but full of fear and angish wish to encourage my fellow friends and neighbors to speak up about the great terrorization brought upon them by the new land owner, Eleanor the Blogger, before it is too late.  I didn’t speak up, and I regret it.  First Eleanor, the Blogger came for the Moles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Mole.  Then she came for the Voles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Vole. Then she came for the Rabbits, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Rabbit. Then she came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.  Speak up, my friends.  SPEAK UP FOR THE REFUGEE, SPEAK UP FOR THE DISENFRANCHISED, THE POOR, THE VOICELESS—SPEAK, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!’”

Thanksgiving I John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission:  John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri/Cagle Cartoons

***

I woke up the next morning extremely out of sorts.  As I sipped my morning coffee while surveying my ornament laden, mole, vole, and deer-free lawn from my office window, I noticed a poster on a stick in the middle of the lit lawn decorations.  As I adjusted my binoculars to get a better view, a chill went down my spine, and I knew life would never be the same.

“MOLE LIVES MATTER!

THIS MEANS WAR, BITCH!!”

Refugees Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

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I am discovering that if God returned to Earth today, he’d be really pissed.  Everything that is going on in the Earth is a test for humanity.  Can’t anybody else see that the answer to the test is love, compassion, grace, and mercy—not more guns?  We’ve had these tests before, and we humans have summarily failed them because we let fear motivate our actions or render us ineffective.  When Hitler came to power, the mostly Christian nation (96% Lutheran and Catholic) of Germany reacted in fear against their Jewish friends and neighbors and the annihilation of 6 million Jews shortly followed.  (When the USA had a chance to take in Jewish refugees, we refused to loosen our stringent immigration laws because we were afraid the Germans would slip in with them—so we said.  Personally, I think it was outright anti-Semitism.)   When the KKK ruled the South during the Jim Crow era in America, lynching and slaughtering Black folks for sport (from ten-year-olds to ninety-year olds), just because we wanted to be treated like human beings, caused most Whites—good church-going people—to turn their backs on our plight.  (Have you noticed that all KKK members have always been White, male, and predominately Christians [thus the burning cross to terrorize its victims], and yet our politicians and history books have never, ever declared the KKK as American home-grown terrorists and smeared the entire White, male, Christian race with a terrorist paint brush—those “Christian extremists”?)  Then why are we listening to politicians and religious leaders who are painting the entire Muslim religion with a terrorist brush, pushing us into fear and toward mass hatred and potential mass murder?  All religions have cults—the KKK is a Christian cult; ISIS and its many derivatives are Muslim cults.  A cult by definition is a group of people who try to instill their will on the non-compliant via force.

And don’t even get me started on American slavery . . .

Family of Man:  this is a test, a very important test.  We have failed it before . . . please, let’s not fail this test again.  I know we must protect ourselves (as we should)—I’m not an idiot.  But it can be done without losing our humanity.  If it can’t, than screw this concept that “we are a Christian nation,” and let’s do whatever the hell we want—because, Baby, this ain’t what Jesus would do.

***

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

A Protestant pastor and social activist in Nazi Germany.

Imprisoned by the Nazi regime (June 27, 1937)

(No animals were hurt in the making of this tale.  In fact, I could swear that I saw a rabbit give me the finger as a mole hitched a ride on the rabbit’s back at dusk to check out my new Christmas lawn ornaments—not to mention the herd of deer (8 at last count) who calmly sashayed past my office window, chomping down on my newly revitalized plants while they dared me to come out and mess with them.)

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle)

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/04/politicians-need-to-ditch-their-inflammatory-rhetoric.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/fear-faith-and-the-rise-of-ben-carson/2015/11/30/3a94c1d2-93a9-11e5-a2d6-f57908580b1f_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_carsonsupporter-910pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-a-bigot-and-a-racist/2015/12/01/a2a47b96-9872-11e5-8917-653b65c809eb_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-e%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/05/us/liberty-university-urges-armed-students/index.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ben-carson-syrian-refugees-jordan_565db798e4b08e945fec829f

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aryeh-neier/syrian-refugees_b_8690014.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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PRAYING IS NOT ENOUGH

Do you know what I discovered this weekWe Americans are some angry Mofos!  Before the pilot could announce “wheels up” on the plane carrying the Pope back to the Vatican, an enthralled America lost its “thrall” and collapsed back into its proverbial state of rage.   The Holy Father encouraged us to adopt a “spirit of cooperation” and urged “quiet acts of love” to strengthen “the great human family.”  But we are so pissed at each other we barely heard him, and we seemed to forget what he said two seconds after he said it.

Angry Country David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by Permission:  David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

We’re pissed at Congress (the House of Reps are pissed at the Senate and vice versa), we’re pissed at the President, we’re pissed at our bosses, our spouses, our children, our classmates, our churches, our neighbors, pissed at people who don’t look and talk like us, pissed at people who don’t respond to our overtures or advances, and pissed to the point of murder when we can’t get what we want, when we want it, and how we want it.

I have had my own struggles with being angry in the past (pissed at childhood abusers, duplicitous friends, horrid preachers, racist teachers, and the goddamn Tea Party), but I found a vehicle to channel my anger via my career as a writer.  (Check out my books Monsters’ Throwdown where I kicked the asses of my childhood abusers and Fleeing Oz where I took revenge on the duplicitous clergy who taught me erroneous crap about God, abused my trust, and misappropriated my tithes.)

In fact I’m feeling pretty Zen at this point in my old age, and my anger issues are limited to minor inconveniences.  Right now I am “slightly irritated” and horrified at how the Muppets have reinvented themselves from adorable puppet creatures who used to appeal to kids and adults alike into some horrid adult entertainment on ABC.  Miss Piggy is getting bikini waxes and cracking jokes about her pubic hair, Fozzie Bear is into fetishes and Grindr—I had to look that one up.  Kermit is dating a younger pig, and Zoot is an alcoholic!  Oh for God’s sake!!  Can’t Hollywood leave well enough alone?  Why do they always mess with a good thing?

New Muppets Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Used by Permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

But compared to whence I’ve come, life is pretty good.  It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers.  I’m retired; I’ve moved into my dream house with my dream man, and the kids are on their own and not living in our basement (praise God, and hallelujah!).   But when I think too much about the little things that get on my nerves on a daily basis (if I’m really being honest), I do start to get miffed.  The more I ponder them, the more agitated I become.   For instance, if I owned a gun, my two computers would be blown to bits right now, and I would have assassinated my WiFi router two weeks after I moved into my new house because it keeps knocking me off the Internet every five minutes.  Nothing works as it should with my wireless network, and even though I’ve given various computer geeks hundreds of dollars, it never seems to help—they say it’s not them, and even though they fail to fix my problem time and time again, I still have to pay them.  Why?  Because there are no guarantees in the computer-fixit business.  (Ugh!)

The upstairs air conditioner gave out with a house full of company on the hottest days in my new house recently, and it needed freon, a new coil, and a thingamabob, which was fine at first because I have a home warranty . . . except come to find out it only covers 1/10th of the things that can go wrong with a house that is a money pit:  if your door bell stops functioning (for example), tough titty!  (Then there are the repairmen who say they are going to show up for weeks at a time, but are no-shows, because this is a little town in the South—yep, it is a good thing I don’t own a gun.)

And don’t get me started on the moles and the voles who have invaded my property—last count, 42 moles and 500 voles.  I went to bed one night with green grass and woke up the next morning with a completely dead lawn—as in totally brown with plants that looked as if something had sucked the life out of them and turned them into zombie plants. Over the past two weeks, I’ve spent hundreds of dollars trying to eradicate my arch nemeses without killing my neighbor’s cat, the various cute little bunnies romping across my dead lawn, or the myriad birds eating the earthworms that the moles consider their caviar.  There are raised mounds of turf the size of armadillos all across my lawn, and there are so many mole/vole holes in my yard that it looks like Swiss cheese. My neighbors, who all have the same problem, are laughing at the new kid on the block wasting money on products that they know won’t do a damn thing to fix it.   I wish I had access to a gun.  I would shoot a million more holes into my lawn trying to eliminate these banes of my bucolic existence because, come to think of it, I am just that pissed! And knowing me, I probably would shoot my foot off in the process.

Mole meme

But wait a minute, who am I kidding, I have more anger issues than this.  I’m always pissed at the Tea Party!  God, I can’t stand those people!  They are everything that is wrong with our country, and they make no sense, whatsoever.  I have ex-friends who used to be sane and lovable who have now become insane and unlovable because they became Tea Party crazies.  Their misplaced anger makes me angry, and even though they all have guns (they love their guns), the only reason I haven’t waged more of a war of words with these Neanderthals is because I don’t own a gun, and I don’t want to go to Hell for accidentally losing control of my temper in an argument with them, grabbing one of their guns, and shutting down their stupid arguments by blasting a couple of buck shots into their asses.

Tea Party Sour Grapes Parker Florida Today

Used by Permission: Parker, Florida Today/Cagle Cartoons

See what I mean?  (I just took my blood pressure after writing that paragraph and it is 160 over 110!)  Good googily-moo! Suddenly I realized that I have more anger in me than I’m willing to admit.  If I’m really being honest, if I had had access to a gun in my younger days, there is no telling when I would have used it during my lifetime.  Probably against the man who molested me at six years old, most likely against my uncle who tried to “mess” with me when I was twelve years old, most assuredly against my longtime boyfriend who I accidentally discovered was married, and I definitely would have shot to kill the myriad number of foster parents who worked me like a slave and beat me for sport.  I would not have been mentally ill during any of those murders—I would have been mad as hell and seeking revenge!  And God have mercy on my soul, but if I had had access to a gun when one of my teenagers was acting the fool—sneaking in and out of the house at night—I might have used it out of fear when I heard the bump in the night downstairs from her sneaking back into the house.  Instead of her getting just an ear full from me, I would have been attending her funeral, and then I would have killed myself due to remorse and heartbreak.

IMHO my dear readers, this is the issue at hand in most American lives—the disease of our hearts and minds that having a gun won’t eradicate, it will only exacerbate!  Too many of us feel we can gain respect, right a wrong, avenge a hurt, end our agonizing misery, correct an abuse, steal other people’s shit, protect our own, and establish power and street cred with a gun.  We can work our butts off to change the gun laws in our country and pour money into mental health care (as we should), but until we examine the state of our own hearts and attempt to mitigate those emotions that so readily cause us to “rage against the machine,” we are all just one easy-access-to-a-gun away from committing murder.   If the bad things in life push any one of us long enough and hard enough—if we become fearful and frightened enough, and a gun is easily accessible, there’s no telling what we might do to ourselves or others.  All of us are a little bit mentally ill in that way.

Gun Violence Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon Used by Permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle Cartoons

*****

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” ON ANGER (HER “AHA” MOMENT)

I am discovering that there are two types of anger:  righteous and unrighteous.  I am not angry enough about the right things—righteous anger—and neither are the majority of my fellow Americans.  We all need to get angry about the carnage that guns have caused in our communities, but instead of purchasing more guns to try and counterbalance the situation—as the NRA would have us believe we should—we need to come together in such a unified voice that our unified screams will implode the gun lobbies and the NRA.  Nothing is changing because our chicken-shit Congress (as well as Democratic senators from red states) are afraid of the gun lobbyists and the NRA because they fund our lawmakers’ campaigns.  But what if our collective anger (gun owners and non-gun owners alike) pushed Congress to deal with mental health funding, pass common sense gun laws, and modify the Second Amendment to become more relevant to this century all at the same time?  What if the 84 percent of gun owners who say they want commonsense gun laws forced Congress out of their quivering cowardice by refusing to buy another gun and refusing to hunt with a gun (take up the bow and arrow if you want to hunt)?  How about if the gun owners refused to go to gun ranges to practice, refused to vote for anyone who was against changing our gun laws, and refused to buy any more bullets for the guns we own until the laws get changed on those three fronts?  Don’t you think that would get the gun manufacturers’ attention?  If we had the slightest understanding of what Pope Francis charged America with—the “spirit of cooperation” and “quiet acts of love” to strengthen “the great human family”—gun owners would gladly lay down their “rights” in love for our nation so that their fellow Americans would have the right to live their innocent lives uninterrupted by gun violence.  (This may sound simplistic, but at least it is better than doing nothing, and better than offering some anemic prayers after the irreparable damage has been done.)

No matter how you slice it, the onus is on gun owners.  Until they have that Eureka moment of the soul, I’m afraid the slaughter will keep on happening.  I’ll keep on praying along with a lot of other good people across the country, but I don’t think our prayers will do much good.  We’ve long passed that action as a viable solution to America’s murderous gun sickness.  I wonder where the next mass shooting will take place or where the next inner-city murder of a child will occur.  I hope it isn’t anywhere near your loved ones or mine.

Terrorizing Ourselves FB John Cole The Scranton Times-Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

***

Gun violence is not a humorous matter, and I meant no disrespect to those who have lost their lives by gun violence.  It’s just that if I don’t find some humor in this madness to point us toward the unmitigated truth in my writing, then I will become mentally ill and shoot somebody.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the survivors and the family and friends of the slaughtered—not only in Roseburg—but across our great nation where:

153,000 people have died from gunshots since 9/11 but Congress refuses to spend money or change laws to thwart this*

Only 3,000 people have died from terrorist attacks, but we spend millions of dollars a year to keep us safe from these*

Did you know that there were approximately 310 million guns owned by Americans in 2009, but the number of people in the United States were only 307 million during the same time period?** Ergo, there are more guns than people in the US.  Sane gun owners (specifically), are you pissed off enough to do something about it besides purchasing more guns?

Gun Control Bob Englehart The Hartford Courant

Cartoon Used by Permission: Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant/Cagle Cartoons

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”—Aristotle

“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”—Bede Jarrett

 “The whole gun debate needs to be infused with a discussion about manhood. It’s frustrating to hear debates about gun rights vs. gun control, and yet very few people say what’s hidden in plain sight: It’s really a contest of meanings about manhood.”—Jackson Katz

“If we don’t get gun-control laws in this country, we are full of beans. To have the National Rifle Association rule the United States is pathetic. And I agree with Mayor Michael Bloomberg: It’s time to put up or shut up about gun control for both parties.”—Harvey Weinstein

“For those of us who cry out for gun control, our fears cannot be eliminated as long as the country remains an armed camp in which the most troubled among us can find ways to appropriate one of the easily available weapons in all our communities.”—Robert Dallek

 (All inspirational quotes from www.brainyquotes.com)

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO PURCHASE ANY OF THE AUTHOR’S BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)?  THEY ARE ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

REFERENCES

*Meet the Press Statistic

**http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2015/10/2/9439909/the-ridiculous-number-of-guns-owned-by-americans-in-one-chart

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/02/4chan_and_the_oregon_shooter_what_the_suspicious_thread_says_about_a_horrifying_subculture_of_young_male_rage/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithforward/2015/10/after-oregon-prayers-for-________-just-rings-hollow/?utm_source=SilverpopMailing&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Pan%20Patheos%20100315%20(1)&utm_content=&spMailingID=49688980&spUserID=MTIzNjQ2MzAzOTI4S0&spJobID=780297722&spReportId=NzgwMjk3NzIyS0

http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/06/opinions/zelizer-gun-control/index.html

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/02/an_oregon_teachers_letter_to_lawmakers_we_dont_need_your_prayers_we_need_your_courage/

http://www.salon.com/2015/06/18/its_not_about_mental_illness_the_big_lie_that_always_follows_mass_shootings_by_white_males/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/10/02/infographic-mass-shootings-are-not-the-problem.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Bad News Just Keeps On Coming

Do you know what I discovered this week about my sorry-ass body? It’s falling apart! I suppose I should have expected it since it seems to happen to everybody if they don’t die young. But here’s a news flash for you: It is a terrible thing to get old. (WARNING: don’t do it—don’t ever do it!) The worst part of the aging process is that stress seems to accelerate the wear and tear on the body costume, both inside and out. And in case you haven’t noticed, stress is everywhere in the world—it’s totally unavoidable. You can’t go anywhere without hearing about some imminent disaster, some caustic disease rolling your way, some major terrorist plot, or some public humiliation. (Naked pictures hacked from the iCloud . . . really? Seriously? Oh, my God, I just had a horrible thought: TSA, what have you done with my orgasmatron airport security pictures throughout the years—the ones I know you’ve been laughing about behind my back? Don’t you even think about uploading my chunky-little ass into The Cloud, or I’ll call your mothers and tell on you!)

TSA RJ Matson

Used by permission: TSA, RJ Matson

My job as a blogger is to keep up on the news (I read twelve online news sources a day plus Time Magazine via the mail), and I think all this bad news is really taking a toll on me. By the time I had my annual physical last month, my doctor was apoplectic over my weight gain (I tend to nosh when stressed), blood pressure elevation, cholesterol numbers, and glucose levels. She was so pissed at me that she threatened to fire me as a patient if I didn’t straighten up and fly right. She gave me one month.

Stress Test Maxine

Feeling rather blue, I plunked down some hard-earned cash to get myself a massage to see if it would relieve some of my stress and promptly did what I always do when someone is working their magic on my epidermis: I fell asleep and dreamt about my organs, digestive apparatus, chromaphil and cortical systems, et al, holding court and trying to decide if they were going to abdicate my body in protest of the way I had been taking care of it over the past 66 years.

***

BRAIN: Hear ye, hear ye, this meeting will now come to order. Mouth, sit down and shut up. You can talk all you want after the meeting is adjourned. We have exactly 90 minutes before our host wakes up. On trial is the author of Monsters’ Throwdown and the blogger Eleanor Tomczyk for gross negligence of her temple—mainly due to severe stress. I’ve called this meeting to see if we should just give up on her or give Ms. ET one more chance to get her shit together.

BLADDER: Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go to the bathroom before the meeting starts?

SMALL AND LARGE INTESTINE: Bladder, you’re such a wuss! The older you get; the leakier you become.

BRAIN: Stop it you two. Sometimes I think you don’t have the brains you were born with. Absolutely no eliminating while our host is on the massage table! While the author is asleep we have a full agenda to get done in a limited amount of time. So behave—all of you.

BLADDER: Can I help it if she’s getting old and slightly incontinent? I wasn’t built to last forever, you know.

THE KIDNEYS: You think you’re worn out. Word on the street is that she’s got what Black folks call “the sugah.”

LIVER: What the fuck is that?

BRAIN:  Type II Diabetes. Just got the diagnosis a month ago. The good news is that it was a wake-up call. She’s already changing her ways (says she’s eaten enough gourmet meals and drunk enough wine to last a lifetime). After a last supper of the best wine her money could buy, the best steak she could find, and the finest chocolate cake to be had, she became a dark leafy-green veggie, bean eating, sugar denying, dairy scorning, pasta/rice eschewing queen, and it is working! Consequently, her glucose numbers are almost down to normal, and she’s even shaved off a few pounds.  I say let’s give our girl a round of applause.

ALL ET’S INNARDS: Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah!

L&S INTESTINES: Yeah, we know. More beans have passed through us in a month’s time than she has eaten in her entire lifetime. What a gas! Get it? What a gas . . . .

LIVER: [groan] Don’t quit your day job, Intestines.

PANCREAS: Not so fast, y’all. Half of me is only producing insulin. Our girl becoming a vegan now is like locking the barn door once the horses have escaped. Tried to send her distress signals of tingly hands and feet and an onslaught of dizziness as a warning that I was shutting down, but did she listen? No! Kept on trippin’ the light fantastic, so to speak. Sometimes she can be so obtuse.

GALL BLADDER: Oh, come on now; don’t be so hard on our girl, Pancreas. This is mostly hereditary. It’s part of her DNA. Did you know African-Americans, Native-Americans, Hispanics, Asian-Americans Asian Indian, and Pacific Islanders are at the highest risk of getting diabetes? Need I remind you that she is ¼ Cherokee Indian and ¾’s African-American?  Need I also remind you that she was born into one of the worst ghettos in America in the Jim Crow era and still bears the heartache and the scars which took a toll on her body before she even knew what was happening?  Twenty years of poverty can give you such a body ache! Just the racism she has had to endure in her lifetime would send a body into tilt eventually. Just be happy she doesn’t have cancer. You read her book, Monsters’ Throwdown. Haven’t all you organs suffered in some way due to the abuse in her life?

ALL ET’S INNARDS: Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course we’ve suffered from being her black person innards in America. And every time I hear some well-meaning white person yearning to turn back the clock to the “good ol’ days” in America (i.e., the 50s), I want to send them back in time as an African-American and immerse them in a saturated pool of slavery DNA, Jim Crow terrorization, and debilitating systematic poverty. Then we’d check out their vitals and see if they still longed for the “good ol’ days.”

John Stewart on Racism

BRAIN: Which is why I’ve called you all here for this meeting. Conquering the diet is not the primary issue with this one; it is her daily stress level. We have to help her lower it.

HEART: Don’t I know it! I get it that she has to keep up on the news to stay informed so as not to come off as an idiot in her blog, but can’t the sistah cut me some slack? I am stressed all the time because of the news she consumes! If it isn’t the story about the Chinese chef who was making cobra soup with the body of the snake whose detached head bit and killed him, then it is the nine-year-old girl who was allowed to shoot an Uzi and accidentally killed her instructor. I’ve got to tell you that just sent ET over the edge. I thought I was going to succumb to a “me attack” at the NRA’s chilling announcement two days after that horrid abuse against that poor child’s mind. Did you all hear about it? The NRA released an article on “7 Ways Children Can Have Fun at the Shooting Range.” WTF! Did you hear our author/mother/human being screams? And don’t even get me started on Ferguson, Missouri.

EYEBALLS:  Well, I don’t know if I can take any more news articles, period. You’ve got your Ukraine, Ebola, Gaza, Afghanistan, and now your ISIS. Not one more decapitation can I witness. God, my eyes, my eyes . . .   Chaos, murder, and mayhem is everywhere for my orbs to feast upon. Evil has always been here—it will always be until the end of time. I say ears, mouth, and me should make a pact: hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil.

LUNGS: Seriously, Eyeballs? There have always been bad times (there will always be bad times)—there just wasn’t any cable news or the Internet to overwhelm the senses with the revelation of them all 24/7. The best we can do is: Stay calm and carry on.

EARS: The best thing we can do is teach her an empowerment song against all the evil forces assailing her psyche that she can use as a mantra: “Let it go, let it go. . .”

BRAIN: No . . . I swear to the God who created us, Vocal Chords, if I hear you sing that song one more time, I’ll rip you out by the throat and flush you downstream through the bowels. Do you hear me?

World Falling Apart Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: World Falling Apart, Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

VOCAL CHORDS: Fine! Then you come up with a better idea of calming her down because I just heard from Mr. TV News that NASA’s “Near Earth Object Program” estimates there are thousands of asteroids that could threaten Earth. Wait until our blogger finds out about that. She’s already on the edge—she’ll flip out. She doesn’t even know that one of them passed by the Earth on Sunday, and that in 2013 a 60-foot-wide meteor flung itself into our atmosphere and exploded over a city in Russia with the strength of 30 nuclear bombs. It injured 1,500 people! You know the first thing she’s going to think? When will it hit the United States—specifically, when will it hit where her children and grandchild live so she can take them to Europe for an extended holiday and out of harm’s way?

EARS: VC, you made that shit up.  Who did you hear that from? Nasty-ass Spleen?

SPLEEN:  Hey, hey, hey, there’s no need for name calling!

VOCAL CHORDS: Amanda Barnett from CNN (“Newly found asteroid to pass close to Earth on Sunday”). Nanni-nanni-booh-booh! Take that and stuff it in your ear canal.

BRAIN: Shut up, everybody! She’s waking up. The last thing she needs to hear is all her organs and whatnots kibitzing. She’d truly have a heart attack then. Back to your stations, and may the force be with her!

Nine Year Old Guns Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

I am discovering (again and again) that bad news just keeps on coming. It does so because, for the most part, we are human, and we have free will to choose between good and evil. Even if you could get half the planet to “do the right thing,” the other half would probably reject the coercion of the “do right” group and scream bloody murder: “Fuck you—you’re not the boss of me!”

Then there are the things none of us can control like tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, asteroids, auto-immune diseases, and cancers that come along and kick our asses when we’re on our way doing something else.

If bad news will keep on coming, how do we live without debilitating fear? How do we find a modicum of peace from the terror of the unknown? I’m beginning to think that we can do so by recognizing life for what it is instead of as the fairy tale we’ve been taught as Americans that we can control our lives:

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”—Scott Peck

Then all that is left is a trust and belief in a power higher than ourselves who can help us through the damaging effects of a difficult life and give us the grace to endure—hoping that it all sums up to equal strong character that can influence a better society. Of course, one should be free to not believe in God (no one should ever be coerced), but as for me, I can’t imagine my innards being able to survive the onslaught of the stress of living on this planet without a holy presence infusing my being with courage and grace.

sales-quotes-mlm-direct-selling-amway-herbalife4-830x466

Nelson Mandela reflecting from his prison cell of 27 years

***

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”Jane Wagner

“If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.”Kris Carr

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”― Amit Ray, Om

“Chanting and Meditation I was a little excited but mostly blorft. ‘Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”― Tina Fey, Bossypants

WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ AUTHOR’S BOOK, MONSTERS’ THROWDOWN? BUY NOW AT Amazon.com

REFERENCES

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/03/decapitated-snake-bite-man-dies_n_5755416.html

http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/04/tech/innovation/asteroid-flying-close-to-earth/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/27/nra-children-gun-range_n_5725674.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
31 Comments

Posted by on September 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Standing My Ground on Fear

Do you know what I’ve discovered?   I think I need to get a gun.  I haven’t talked it over with my husband yet, but I will when he returns.  I’m becoming increasingly paranoid about the weirdos that I keep bumping into in my neighborhood, at the doctor’s office, in my church, and at the mall.  And then there is the news.  The more I read the more paranoid I become.  The more I think about the Zimmerman case, the more I think that maybe his defense was right when I review the times I’ve noticed suspicious-looking characters and needed to Stand My Ground to protect me from an imagined threat.  The only problem is I’ve never owned a gun, but how hard can it be to get one?  Seems to me, given the 2nd Amendment, any idiot can own a gun.

gun ownership by idiots Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

Used by permission:  Gun ownership by idiots by Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

So when my husband, WW, called home from his business trip last week, I decided to run my latest “revelation” (that’s what I call my harebrained schemes) by him, and hoped I’d get his buy-in.

WW:     “Hey, Cutie!  What have you been up to since I’ve been gone?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and. . . I’m thinking of buying a gun.”

WW:     “WHAT?  No, no, no, no, NO!  For Christ’s sake:  what brought this on?  I’ve only been gone two days.”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  Fear!  I’ve become increasingly paranoid about the people I don’t know and maybe even some of the ones I do know—especially those who have become Tea Party advocates and Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity supporters. (Remember how our friends used to be sane?)  Well, some of them are not anymore, and they are scaring the shit out of me.  Who knows how long it will take before they believe one of Beck’s conspiracies and come after me to take me out?”

WW:     “Cutie, first of all, you don’t hang with those people anymore and neither one of us has any intention of renewing our acquaintances with them.  Secondly, you don’t know the first thing about guns.”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “I don’t need to know anything about guns—they are part of my God-given constitutional rights.  The 2nd Amendment is sacrosanct.  Besides, the local Wal-Mart will sell me what I need and tell me where I can go to get myself trained to hit any asshole with my best shot—fire away!   I need groceries, anyway, so when you come back, let’s pick up some household staples and a 9×19 mm Walther P99, German semi-automatic pistol.  That should fit my needs, although it might be too big to fit in my purse.  I’ll have to bring in several of my Coach bags to see which pistol will travel in style.”

Gun for Stand Your Ground Olle Johansson  Sweden

Used by permission: Olle Johansson | Sweden

WW:  “The bastardization of Pat Benatar’s song notwithstanding:  What has gotten into you since I’ve been gone?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “Well, since you’ve been gone, buddy:  FEAR—PURE UNADULTERATED FEAR!”  Maybe the NRA is right:  If I get a gun, I will be emboldened to tread where I’ve never gone before.  Did you see the article in the paper that reported several cases of men coming to the doors of unsuspecting homeowners in our area and pretending they were there from the Public Works Department to check out the home’s water lines?”

WW:     “Nooooooo . . . What has this to do with you turning into Django Unchained?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “It was all a ruse!  Once they got in, they stole whatever they could get their hands on while they distracted the homeowner in the basement.  Well, don’t you know, a guy stopped by the other day and said he was from the Public Works Department and needed to check my water line.”

WW:     “You didn’t let him in, did you?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN: “Of course not— I’m nobody’s fool!  But then he didn’t ask to come in; he just let me know he was on the property and went to the side of the house to fiddle with the water main.  But I could tell it was all a ruse, and he was up to no good because it was just like the newspaper said it would happen, AND he was the spitting image of George Zimmerman—before he gained 130 pounds.  Rumor has it that George has been hanging out in our area.  I think his parents live over in Maryland somewhere.   After giving the “Public Works” guy the evil eye for a while (I stared at him from the window), it was right then and there that I knew I might need to shoot through the window into his ass while he was bending over the water main before he could gain entrance into my castle and steal my shit—or even worse.  I mean, I may be old, but men could still try to mess with me—if you know what I mean.  In fact, the paper said that a ninety-year-old woman got raped the other day.  I mean all systems point to me needing a gun.”

WW:     “Uh huh.  And did you ever find out who the man was at the door because I know and you know that it couldn’t have possibly been George Zimmerman?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  (barely audible) “Well, he was really a public works man with a legitimate excuse to be on our property.  To tell you the truth, I think I scared the shit out of him because he kept looking over his shoulder at me, finished the job in record time, and raced away in his clearly marked public works truck as fast as he could.  “He was driving so fast that I could hear the tires screeching as he pulled away from the curb.”

WW:  “He probably thought he was going to be shot in the ass by a crazy woman.”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “Whatever!  There was another man who came by yesterday trying to talk me into letting him install new windows in the house—new windows, my ass!  You will never believe who he looked like?”

WW:  “Let me guess:  Charles Manson?”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “No . . . the FAT GEORGE ZIMMERMAN—the Zimmerman who has gained 130 pounds!”

WW:  “Oh for God’s sake.  I’m coming home ASAP.  Try not to kill anybody before I return.”

ANNIE-GET-YOUR-GUN:  “Humph!  WW, I have to protect myself, and you need to know that I may not wait for you to return before I start packing heat.  I’m looking up fashionable leather holsters online even as we speak. So don’t use your house key because you might scare the devil out of me and cause me to shoot first and ask questions later.  Let’s establish a secret knock so that I know it’s you.  Try and get here before it gets dark because I’m especially paranoid after the sun goes down, and start calling my name as soon as you enter the house so that I recognize your voice and don’t mistake you for a mad rapist.  Tell the kids not to come home unannounced!”

WW:     “Oh, God . . .”

Standing my ground Daryl Cagle  CagleCartoons com

Used by permission:  Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com

I am discovering that the Stand Your Ground law is just another component of America’s love affair with guns that is immoral and has been birthed out of the manipulated fear towards our fellowman by the National Rifle Association (NRA) and the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC), who have pushed this law into existence in twenty-five states.  In the last thirty years, guns sales had been plummeting and the gun industry discovered that if they could manipulate Americans with fear that our “castles,” our children, our sidewalks, our parks, our neighbors, our places of worship, our shit were just one confrontation away from being stolen or harmed, then they could make money in perpetuity.  The NRA has made us believe that backing away from a public confrontation when it is safe to do so (like staying in your truck as Zimmerman was told to do by the police) and avoiding the murder of another human being is no longer the mark of a godly man or nation, but gunning down one’s neighbor is our constitutional right and one we should be proud to uphold.  And, oh yeah, there is a slight detail that bears mentioning:  the gun industry’s reward for this strategy—12 billion dollars a year.  In other words, my fellow Americans:  we’ve been had by a very cynical, greedy, and sick industry!  (Remember how the cigarette industry pushed smoking as sexy, cool, non-addictive, and not harmful, when its executives had a gazillion studies in their desk drawers that showed smoking was addictive and caused cancer?  Hmmm!)

stand ground reverse response RJ Matson

Used by permission:  Stand ground reverse response |Cartoonist: RJ Matson

I am also discovering that the Stand Your Ground law, beyond that of your castle being stormed by zombies, is a license to kill.  (IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  If you break into my home with the intent to rape and murder me and my family, and I can’t get away from you, I will stand my ground and blow your fucking brains out with whatever I can get my hands on.  I get that part of the law.)  But the part of Stand Your Ground law that needs to be adjusted is born out in the following story:

Last year, John Henry Spooner, 76, of Wisconsin

Shot and killed his 13-year-old neighbor who was returning his family’s garbage can from the curb.

Mr. Spooner shot Darius Simmons, 13, on the sidewalk

While the child’s mother looked on in horror

While the child tried to run away, screaming, “Don’t shoot me, please don’t shoot me,”

While the neighbor shot at him several times,

As Darius Simmons died in his mother’s arms on the sidewalk.

When asked why Spooner shot the African-American teen,

The white man said he thought the boy had stolen his shit (his stash of guns)

No evidence of such a theft was found—only Mr. Spooner’s paranoia.

Irony:  the entire murder was captured by Mr. Spooner’s security camera on his house.

When asked if Spooner felt bad about taking the life of a child before he was sentenced to life in prison,

Mr. Spooner’s reply was:  “No, not that bad.”

Darius’ mother’s reply was:  “Oh my God!”**

Guns friend or foe Luojie, China Daily, China

Used by Permission: Guns friend or foe: Luojie, China Daily, China

 “To him who is in fear everything rustles.”Sophocles

“There is no passion so contagious as that of fear.”—Michel de Montaigne

 “You can’t buy six packs of nasal decongestant but you can buy a .50 calibre sniper’s rifle, just like the US military uses in Afghanistan.”Patrick Radden Keefe blogged for The New Yorker magazine

“What has happened is the ‘Stand Your Ground’ law has become so over-arching that the definition has been lost. There are a lot of people claiming ‘Stand Your Ground.’”—Bob Buckhorn

“…if you’ve had a terrible day, if you just don’t like the other guy very much or if you want to try out that new handgun you just bought, you can feel free to escalate the level of violence in a physical altercation by shooting him. Even if you kill him, the law has got your back. You’ll be immune not only from criminal prosecution, but also from any potential civil lawsuits.”—Ladd Everitt from Waging Nonviolence*

Guns are Sacred END David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission:  Guns are Sacred | David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

http://blogs.suntimes.com/backtalk/2013/07/the_bloody_idiocy_of_stand-you.html

*http://wagingnonviolence.org/feature/why-stand-your-ground-is-really-kill-at-will/

**http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/wisconsin-man-tells-jurors-he-killed-13-year-old-neighbor-out-of-anger-and-to-seek-justice/2013/07/18/e0f9467e-eff5-11e2-8c36-0e868255a989_singlePage.html?tid=obnetwork

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on July 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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