how the hell did i end up here?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!

(Story repurposed and updated from a similar post from 2014)

Do you know what I discovered about American teenagers regarding Independence Day? I ran across a survey where some of them thought it was a really cool movie (okay, I guess I can see that, given the charisma and popularity of Will Smith and all). But in another survey, when gently nudged towards the topic “History,” 14% of them said that July 4th was the day we declared our independence from. . .wait for it. . . wait for it: FRANCE! And according to a dude named Colin Campbell, head of the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation, 5 million teenagers didn’t have a clue as to the meaning of why we celebrate July 4th. (Parents, you got some splainin’ to do!)

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Egads! Our founding fathers must be rolling over in their graves. Of course, I can’t be too hard on our teenagers when the adults aren’t representing the true meaning of Independence Day well with the state of our partisan politics these days. We have a seventy-year-old man-baby, chronic liar as president who probably has never read the constitution (or at least acts like he hasn’t), who I am convinced is trying to destroy at least the First Amendment*—especially the fourth estate (the press) when it doesn’t agree with him, and will eventually wipe out the preamble to the constitution by the time his reign of terror is over:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Truth vs Trump Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

I actually can’t completely blame these knuckleheads for their misinterpretations and stupid declarations of political terrorism. Do you want to know who I blame? I blame our founding fathers. Although I love my country very much, and I truly appreciate all their hard work and sacrifice, I don’t think we’d be in this place today if they had made several unorthodox (for their time) changes when they declared our independence in 1776 and wrote the Constitution some 11 years later in 1787. What, you say? They were already laying their lives on the line—what more could we have asked of them? (Hmmmm, because they were all white, male, landowners who couldn’t see past their own aristocratic noses to include other people and gender groups to give them a broader perspective.)

I’ve always fantasized about becoming a time traveler and going back in time to influence history. Can you imagine the heart-attack scenario if I had the ability to pop into the Founding Fathers’ midst in Philadelphia on July 1, 1776? (Yep, you read it correctly: the Declaration of Independence wasn’t signed on July 4th. Twelve of the thirteen colonies voted on the declaration on July 2, 1776, and then they spent the next two days massaging the language. In fact, most of the delegates didn’t sign the document that kept us from having British accents until August 2nd).

constitution-jeff-parker-florida-today-and-the-fort-myers-news-press

Cartoon used by permission: Jeff Parker, Florida Today and the Fort Myers News

Can you imagine a sweltering, hot room full of sweaty White men in Philadelphia with all the windows closed and shutters latched (due to the treasonous nature of their activities) as they tried to function in woolen clothing and wigs—most of them scared shitless at what they were about to engage in? And “poof,” out pops my chubby-21st-Century-ass into the middle of the room.

Original Intent Christopher Weyant The Hill

Cartoon used by permission: Christopher Weyant, The Hill

SCENE ONE

ET, THE TIME TRAVELER: Yo, yo, yo FFs—how’s it hanging?

(Several of the Founding Fathers faint dead away, but the rest remain stupefied.)

ET: Robert Livingston and John Jay of New York would you please administer smelling salts to Edward Rutledge of South Carolina and Richard Henry Lee from Virginia, and make sure they are awake and listening? I don’t have much time, and I have a lot to say. Besides Livingston and Jay, you aren’t going to have the gonads to sign this document: I know it and you know it, so you might as well make yourselves useful by resuscitating your comrades. No judgment here—just the historical facts.

Gentlemen, I am from the future: 2017 to be exact. My name is Eleanor Tomczyk and I am a writer and a blogger. I just published a book called The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self (a mostly true memoir). You’ll never get to read it, but you should know that even though you didn’t insure my unalienable rights as a descendant of a slave/a Cherokee Indian/a woman—I am free, I am educated, I am intelligent, I’m actually married to a white man… Who just fainted this time? Livingston, was that you?

Anyway, slavery ends in 1865, and I pontificate on everything from soup to nutty politicians on something called the World Wide Web that the entire world has access to. All this communicative power is mine because you will provide me freedom of speech in the Bill of Rights that you’re going to pass on August 21, 1789. Thanks FFs—I am forever in your debt because of that.

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

ET: But I just wanted to let you in on a secret that unless you pull in some women, some Black folks, some Native American peeps, and some new kinds of immigrants with Spanish accents, before you write the Constitution, you’re going to set up our beloved country for a world of hurt in the future. Lots of things are going to change by the time 2017 rolls around. Actually, you can go on and pass this declaration thingie because it is the Constitution in eleven years that you’re going to really need to expand your horizons on that really needs inclusion of the aforementioned groups.

Right now that foolish 2nd Amendment is causing all sorts of mayhem. It needs to be changed because you didn’t think it through well enough. When you pass that in the Bill of Rights, please note that thousands of precious children will be murdered in the future, and scores of foolish men and women will demand to open/carry their guns in our “marketplaces” just because they think that is what you meant by their “unalienable rights” and the “rights of individuals to bear arms.” What you meant then and the nutty shit we’re doing with guns now would cause you to weep. Also, can you add a little note that the Constitution was not written by God, America is not the New Jerusalem, and you could be wrong on at least a couple of things in the Constitution (ahem: slavery and a woman’s right to vote)?

guns-target-steve-sack-the-minneapolis-star-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

ET: Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Hamilton (you can catch George Washington up to speed once he takes a break from the war), there is a line that you’ll put in the Constitution that bears fleshing out, if you ask me—if you really want to know:

“WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT” (so far so good), “THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL” (should read “that all men AND WOMEN—no matter what their color or position in life—are created equal”) “THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR” (should read “whomever you deem your creator to be”—leaving this open to interpretation will cause the lack of freedom of religion you fought so hard for because hardcore Christians will demand it to be their God, and the Materialists, the Deists, and the Atheists who most of you declared yourselves to be, will have Hell to pay) “WITH CERTAIN UNALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS” (should read “no matter what your gender, color, race, or social status in life”).

ET: My time is up—wish I could stay longer. Just one more thing: we elected a Black president in 2008 for two terms. Half the country didn’t make his reign as President an easy one, but he’ll probably go down in history as one of our greatest. He certainly puts the petulant man-baby that followed him in the White House to shame. I want you to know, I prayed daily that one of those 2nd Amendment right-wing nuts wouldn’t assassinate President Obama when he was in office (believe me, they tried). I breathed a sigh of relief when he left. Your 2nd Amendment has been grossly misinterpreted. It took on a religious fever against our first Black president with talks of revolution to overthrow him and his political party. Once you pass the Bill of Rights, by 2017 there will be more than 20 attempts to kill sitting and former presidents; 4 sitting presidents will be assassinated, 2 sitting presidents will have attempted assassinations on their lives, and every president from John F. Kennedy on will be threatened with assassination. Surely, my dear Founding Fathers, that is not what you intended when you dreamed up our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution.

Cartoon used by permission: Parker, Florida Today

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT OUR COUNTRY’S WELL-BEING

I am discovering that our independence is a lot more fragile than we ever imagined. Since Trump was voted into office and set up a Leninist—Steve Bannon—as his consigliere, while being carried in on a golden carriage by the religious right, I have been rereading every dystopian novel I can get my hands on. It seems as if every move Trump makes, every tweet he states is eroding our precious democracy and could destroy the very framework that our Founding Fathers laid their lives on the line for. I am currently reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In the introduction (written about her time in West Berlin five years before the Berlin Wall fell), she visited several countries behind the Iron Curtain and experienced the wariness and fear the citizens portrayed living under a totalitarian system, the author wrote:

“Having been born in 1939 and come to consciousness during World War II, I knew that established orders could vanish overnight. Change could also be as fast as lightning. It can’t happen here could not be depended on: anything could happen anywhere, given the circumstances.”

This Fourth of July, I will celebrate with a stronger sense of urgency the wonderment of the incredible independence I have been given. I, along with millions of other Americans, made the mistake in thinking that we’d always keep building on that marvelous Declaration of Independence and its sister, The Constitution. We never once imagined that there would ever be circumstances that would pull the rug out from under our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I always thought our constitutional foundation was strong—something that could always be improved upon for all its citizens, but still strong. That it would never be destroyed, because it couldn’t possibly happen here . . . until one day a loathsome, misogynistic, constitutionally ignorant, man-baby crawled out of the sewer with a tweeter feed and became our 45^th President.

Our Founding Fathers are rolling over in their graves.

Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“The assertion that ‘all men are created equal’ was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.”—Abraham Lincoln

“The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“You can protect your liberties in this world only by protecting the other man’s freedom. You can be free only if I am free.”—Clarence Darrow

“When the public’s right to know is threatened, and when the rights of free speech and free press are at risk, all of the other liberties we hold dear are endangered.”—Christopher Dodd

Independence Day End FB Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!

REFERENCES

*http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/priebus-trump-considering-amending-or-abolishing-1st-amendment

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

Eleanor Tomczyk is the author of Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, and her latest memoir—The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self (a mostly true memoir)

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

4 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on June 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Declaration of Indepedence, Donald Trump, Founding Fathers, Fourth of July, HUMOR, Independence Day, satire, The Constitution

PLEASE BLOW SMOKE UP MY KEISTER

20 Jun

Do you know what I discovered? Trump taught me something recently. (I know! Aren’t you amazed!) He taught me how a person can get people to blow smoke up his or her behind, and it can sometimes be a good thing. I’m sure you all saw it or read about it. He called his first cabinet meeting and after touting his royal greatness, he had his cabinet sound off one-by-one about what a fabulous job he’s been doing and what an incredible leader he is.

Trump Cabinet Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

BINGO, I thought. This is sheer genius! Trumpee has taught me something I can use. Why don’t I apply this methodology to getting reviews for my new book, I thought? You see, I just learned from my publicist that if I can get 50 reviews from people who have read my new book, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from my Miseducated Self, Amazon will list my book in its newsletters and other promotions. Isn’t that cool?

“The Fetus Chronicles” Book Mark Proof: Su from Earthly Charms

I bet you’re saying to yourself, “I’d love to write a review for you Eleanor, but if the truth be known, the thought of typing something into Amazon cares me to death. How do I go about it, and what if I get tongue tied, or in this case, finger tied?” Don’t be afraid. It is quite simple. You don’t have to be Hemingway; you can say as little as, “I liked this book,” and all you have to do is follow these very simple instructions:

How to Write a Review

In the meantime, while you are thinking about how to “blow smoke up my ass” on Amazon (if you hate my book, remember that my name is “Smeegle Klondonovich”), please enjoy a redo of my first published writing that started it all. I got beaten by the writing bug, so to speak, after I wrote this. This story will hopefully remind you what a “brilliant, talented, outstanding, deeply profound writer I am”—don’t you agree?

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WILL HIGH SCHOOL EVER END?

(Repurposed post from 2013)

Why is it in real life, as in high school, we exert so much energy trying to impress people we don’t know, won’t ever see again after our season of random internment, and who have no financial or emotional investment in our future?

I have beautiful, White girlfriends who won’t go to a swimming pool while on vacation because they don’t have the figures they had in college anymore, and the strangers across the pool from them, who they don’t know and couldn’t care a rat’s ass about, might become scornful of their cellulite or less than perky boobs. When in reality, they should be embracing Joy Behar’s classic observation of things that shouldn’t matter one iota: “So what – who cares?”

All my baby boomer girlfriends have better bodies than I, but even though I’m at least 50 pounds heavier (when I’m telling the truth), I have a black woman’s sensibility about this issue: accent the positive, suck in the negative, and skirt the thunderous. Then bedazzle the shit out of your goddess self with a rhinestone cover-up and rhinestone flip-flops, and “drop it like it’s hot, baby”!

Author Doing Her Bedazzled Thing: Photo Credit–J. Tomczyk

Not too long ago, my husband and I took an extended cruise in the Mediterranean. It was the trip of a lifetime. Everything was better than we had fantasized: the weather was picture perfect, the people were warm and accepting, the 3,000 passenger ship was outstanding, the food was superb, and we were like newlyweds reveling in each other’s company. The only thing that seemed to cause just a tiny bit of consternation was the very aggressive touring itinerary (4 days of excursions, 1 day at sea, 3 days of excursion, 1 day at sea, 2 days of excursion, 1 day at sea) that we had been given. But I wasn’t overly concerned because even though I’m a “fat-bottom girl,” it doesn’t mean I’m not in good health. I’m a daily exerciser and had trained for this trip for 8 months. I added strenuous hills to my daily, treadmill workout, climbed the stairs at work in the afternoons, and special ordered shoes a triathlon athlete would use.

What I didn’t expect and what my research never revealed was that all of our 10 touring sites were perched on the top of ancient hills or mountains with steep inclines to protect the antiquity inhabitants from marauders. Most accesses were like scaling a wall.

Port of Malta: Photo Credit–E. Tomczyk

Every evening we were given an overview of the activities for the next day. In between the instructions for the cake decorating class and the marzipan demonstrations was listed the information the cruise director felt we needed in order to survive our shore excursions.

Ship Brochure: It takes 600 steps to reach the top of your fabulous destination. There is a cable car if you prefer or you can employ a donkey to transport you up and down the ancient stone stairs. Wear comfortable shoes. Cost: $100 – $400/person. The ship departs at 5:30 – if you miss the departure, you will have to make your own way to the next port to meet the ship.

Translation: The 600 steps are straight up the face of a mountain; the cable car often has a two-hour wait, and you will miss your ship utilizing that mode of transportation. The stairs are shared by donkeys that slip constantly on the descent and leave slippery “pooh” all over the staircase from Hell. No manner of footwear is capable of keeping you upright once you lose your footing going down – you might as well kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Before you leave this beautiful island, the tour guide will make sure she dumps you in the shopping area that has only one way in and out to the stairs or the unreliable, overly-crowded cable car system. The shopkeepers will try to help you by relieving you of as many Benjamins as possible to lighten the load of your descent. Trying to balance yourself on a donkey while your hands are stuffed with chotzkies however will be proof-positive that you have lost your ever-loving mind – once and for all. Good luck, silly over-weight Americans!

DAY THREE TOUR: On day three, my husband (the Energizer Bunny), a gay couple (the extremely handsome, not-one-ounce-of-fat-on-their-bones Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burtka look-alikes), a lesbian couple (50’ish with similar body frames as mine whose bodies had each born children in their former lives), an octogenarian grandmother from Iowa sporting a recent double-knee replacement, and an old dude of an age somewhere between 90 and Methuselah began our shore excursion.

Because I temporarily lost consciousness, I can’t remember at what point I lost my mind and reverted back to high school. I do remember approaching a sky-high escalator in a museum with hundreds of other people in sweltering heat and watching the escalator break down right before my group got on. Because there was a wall of people behind us, we were forced to go forward and mount a circular ramp that seemed like twenty flights of stairs that shot straight up to the heavens. The lesbian mothers, the grandmother from Iowa, the Methuselah dude, and I stared at each other in total horror! Hadn’t we just climbed 300 steps the day before and 200 steps the day before that, as well as an unexpected 100 steps in a museum that wasn’t listed? Didn’t the brochure assure us there would be no more steps to climb on this tour? I could have sworn someone said we’d catch a break today.

Carnival Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

All I know is that my husband, who has the ability to walk faster than most people can run, took off up the ramp to find the tour guide who was nowhere to be seen. As the rest of our group began to ascend the inevitable, the gay boys began telling us about a rather large, fat-bottomed woman (whose ass was the size of Cleveland) who couldn’t make it up the last ramp in the previous city, and they just couldn’t understand why people didn’t read the ship instructions about the strenuous nature of the excursions.

(Had they seen my ass, I wondered? Was this a veiled hint about moi?)

“I mean, really now, why can’t these people ‘just say no’ if they’re too fat to complete the course without looking like they’re going to die,” said our Neil Patrick Harris look-alike cruise mate. “Personally, I feel like making an announcement tonight at dinner over the PA system. ‘Really people – know your limitations; because you need to cut the rest of us some freakin’ slack! We’re having heart attacks here just wondering if you’re gonna have a heart attack right in front of us’”!

The lesbian couple, the grandmother, the tremulous old man, and I gingerly laughed along with the boys, but we silently heard the “Rocky theme song” roaring in our ears (or was it the blood rushing to our heads before the onset of major strokes as we secretly wondered if they were ridiculing us?). We took off up the incline like thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby trying to match the gait of the Adonis boys, leaning almost at a 45 degree angle to balance our bodies on the slope. As I passed the old man at my road-runner pace, his eyes widened in terror as his lips mouthed, “What the fuck?” but my team and I had to leave him in the dust. Keeping up with the Adonis-looking critics was all that mattered, even if it meant moving at the speed of light and losing a soldier along the way. These bodies had born children and nursed babies, goddamnit! The fat on our asses, our low-hanging breasts, and puff-n-stuff stomachs were badges of honor. Maybe the gay boys had children, but they sure as hell hadn’t “had” children!

The octogenarian dropped out about two-thirds of the way (clutching her side) and gasping for air. My lesbian sisters and I made it to the top without dying, but I had a Charlie-horse in my ass that wouldn’t quit. As the girls and I high-fived each other (sisters, hangin’ tough!), I could see (being the chubbiest in the bunch) that I had impressed the boys. What they didn’t know was that I couldn’t say more than two words without gasping for air or I would keel over and die. I didn’t dare speak without great measure. I knew if I tried to articulate more than one five-word sentence without pausing, I’d be the gay boys’ prophecy come true: one fat-bottom woman careening into their perfectly fit, athletic bodies and knocking them back down the slope like a giant chocolate snowball from on high. So I took out my Blackberry (remember those?), nonchalantly leaned against the museum wall, and pretended to check messages as if I were some high-muckety-muck at a Fortune 500 company and the business couldn’t live without me.

Runner Meme: Courtesy of @ Cook in Canuck

“Some hike, huh?” said one of the gorgeous boys.

“Uh, huh. . . .” I whispered, while trying not to lose consciousness as my heart almost exploded in my chest from over-exertion.

“Great ship, isn’t it? said the other Adonis boy. “What’s on your agenda tomorrow? We’re going rock climbing. Isn’t that exciting?!”

“G-r-e-a-t!” (tap) “Me doing” (tap) “pool” (tap) “water volley-ball tournament” (tap) “against a bunch of twenty-somethings” (tap)—”gonna make them eat my” (tap) “dust.”

“Excellent! You go, girl with your bad self!”

Clearly, I had impressed the boys.

The next day found the quivering old man with both hands glued to a walker while arduously climbing into the hot tub (he was still there at dinner time with a smile on his face). The lesbian couple, the grandmother, and I met up at the spa first, and then we subsequently waddled to our separate “quiet” corners around the adult pool (cellulite, thunderous thighs, and saggy tits on full display). We spent the afternoon sipping rum punches and napping the day away in rockin’ bathing suits while our mental health applauded our goal-setting activity of just being ourselves and being proud of the hard-earned battles won by giving and sustaining life with our amazing bodies.

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ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT

I’ve discovered that if my girlfriends (old and new) and I ever want to shake the specter of high school, we need to finally travel at the beat of our own drummers in our old age, because it’s the condition in which we arrive at the final destination, not the opinions of others, that really matters. Joy Behar really is an oracle whose mantra we should adopt when the high school spirit tries to tear us down and make us forget the amazing women that we have become in our mature years: So what – who cares!

Writer’s Meme: Courtesy of LianaBrooks.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

HAVEN’T YET READ ANY OF THE AUTHOR’S DISCOVERY SERIES? CHECK OUT HER AUTHOR’S PAGE ON AMAZON!

2 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on June 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: HUMOR, REVIEWS, satire, storytelling, Trump, Writing

WHEN ELLIE MET JACKIE

08 Jun

Do you know what I discovered this week? This weekend I will be celebrating my 38^th wedding anniversary and my sixty-ninth birthday. (When I say “weekend,” that is not a slip of the tongue—I plan to party for three days straight!) I am so thrilled to have something else to think about other than Donald Trump. He is turning out to be such a consummate liar, grand manipulator, and narcissistic, racist muckraker that I can barely breathe. I am convinced he is a very mentally unstable person, and I can’t help wondering if God has quit his day job because the more King Trump/Bannon reigns the more I feel as if we’re slip-sliding into Hell as a country. One of the things I’m going to do during my birthday weekend is see Wonder Woman, and boy would I love to be her for just one day, and be left alone with Trump. Me and my truth-telling lasso would do some serious damage against Herr Trump.

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

Of all the things that Trump has done that upsets me the most is how he has been like a pied piper to the racist elements in our culture. I was feeling pretty sad this week about that until I ran across the most amazing article in the NY Times by Sheryll Cashin about how “interracial love is saving America.”* WHAT? She has this premise that even though it looks as if our country is sinking into a racist quagmire, interracial couples are “chipping away at White supremacy” in a way that makes you want to stand up and cheer. Cashin cites how Thomas Jefferson stressed with great emphasis that interracial sex and marriage should never be allowed because it would “stain” the White race since he considered the Negro to be “inferior in mind and form.” (I have two words for you Thomas Jefferson—you hypocritical dog, you: Sally Hemings—slave and mother of six of your children.) Ms. Chashin states that it was love that overturned the miscegenation laws in America in 1967 (Loving vs. Virginia), and now at least “one quarter of Americans have a close relative in an interracial marriage,” and when polled, “91% of respondents said that interracial marriage was a change for the better or didn’t matter at all.” Boy, we’ve come a long way, Baby, from our forefathers’ days!

INTERRACIAL COUPLE HOLDING HANDS ofcommonsense dot me

Interracial Hands: http://www.ofcommonsense.me

Suddenly it dawned on me: I am part of the “salvation” of our nation—me and my man (WW—“White and Wonderful”)! Hot damn! And since our 38th anniversary is coming up this weekend, I thought I’d meditate on our love story and share the hope I feel with my readers that no matter how things look now—the killing of innocent Blacks, Muslims, Hindis, Latinos, and Asians—we are never going back to the days of our ignorant forefathers. Interracial love and understanding is here to stay, and it is growing.

Below is a snippet of our love story of hope. Enjoy!

“Ellie and Jackie”/Photo Credit: William Clarke

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WHEN ELLIE MET JACKIE

(A Story of Interracial Love)

Forty-five years ago, a Black girl from the inner city of Cleveland and a White boy from the sheltered suburb of a New England town bumped into each other in a hippie commune in the early 70’s. Those were heady times and full of experimentation, but just because their paths crossed didn’t mean they should have been attracted to each other. Most of the White people the girl had known (except for an occasional student in college and a couple of teachers along the way) were ones she feared or hated because of their cruel and horrid treatment to her. In fact, the girl was often heard to say to anyone who would listen about her views on interracial dating that: “There ain’t nothin’ no White man can do for me, Chil’!” The boy grew up in an all-White neighborhood, and even though there were a couple of Black kids in his school, the only Black person who ever came to his house was the mailman, which the family dog continuously chased and tried to bite because the dog “didn’t like Black people,” or so the story goes. (The dog never chased anybody else—just the poor Black postman.)

The girl belonged to a theater club in her hippie commune, and one day she snuck into the dark hallway of the balcony of the theater during auditions. She wasn’t in a position to see the actors who were auditioning but she could hear their voices. When a booming voice that sounded like the voice of God and resonated like James Earl Jones filled the auditorium, the girl’s heart skipped a beat. She had never heard such a mellifluous voice. The girl instantly knew that only a Black man could have a voice like that, and in a community that had no Black men but scores of White men, she scurried as fast as she could to see what fine Black male specimen encased that heavenly voice.

Stock Photo: Google

The boy’s white skin wasn’t the only thing to surprise the girl. When she introduced herself to him, she discovered that his name was “Jackie.”

“What kind of name is that?” she said.

“It’s a New England nickname for John,” he said. The girl looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and almost lost her breath when he spoke to her.

“Well, my name is Eleanor although some people call me ‘Ellie’ which I really don’t like because REALLY—do I look like an ‘Ellie ‘cause seriously would anyone have called Eleanor Roosevelt ‘Ellie’ to her face and that is really who I’m named after at least that is what I’ve been told but then again my mother was crazy and my name could be Diana for all I know…” she said in one breathless run-on sentence. (The girl was blushing but since she was a golden mocha color, the boy did not notice. I don’t think the boy ever figured out when the girl was blushing.)

The boy laughed—a deep ground-swell of a laugh that the girl remembered thinking was of a timbre that Santa Claus would kill for.

“Ellie and Jackie”/Photo Credit: E. Tomczyk

The boy won the audition into the theater club, but the girl was too petrified to talk to him after their initial meeting. So she had her girlfriend invite him to a dinner party in which the girl would be present as well.

The girl thought the boy was arrogant as Hell.

The boy thought the girl was argumentative and pushy.

The girl said, “I hope we see each other again.”

The boy said, “Sure, I’ll give you a call.”

Weeks went by, but the boy never called the girl.

“Ellie and Jackie”–14th Anniversary/Photo Credit: E. Tomczyk

The more the boy ignored the girl, the more she pined for him.

“I can’t believe he said he’d call, but I haven’t even heard a peep,” the girl said to her girlfriends one day.

“Do you like him?” asked one of the girlfriends.

“I don’t know… I just thought there was a spark there,” the girl mournfully replied.

“Then why don’t you call him and ask him out on a date. This is the 70s, Girl! You don’t have to wait for him.”

That is what the girl did. She called the boy. It turned out that his car was broken down and he had no money. All he had was a beat-up company truck. He wanted to arrange a date where he picked her up in style and took her to a fancy restaurant.

The girl said, she didn’t give a damn about riding in a truck just so long as it didn’t leave them stranded on the road, and as to a fancy meal, if he could boil water, he could invite her over for dinner for a couple boiled eggs.

He made “Shrimp Wiggle.” (Can of shrimp, can of Campbell’s mushroom soup, and a can of peas on toast.) All the girl could think was, “Oh, Lord Jesus, if this is how White people eat, then no wonder they don’t have any rhythm!”

The girl ate the Shrimp Wiggle and loved it because that night they talked for twelve straight hours. As the girl’s roommates wondered whether they should file a missing person’s report, the boy and the girl spoke about their fears, their abuses, their rejections, their pain, their scars, their ambitions, their likes, their dreams, and their goals. They looked into each other’s souls and they loved what they saw.

The next morning when the boy took the girl back to her apartment, they both knew they had met the love of their lives and that one day they would spend the rest of their lives together. The End.

“Ellie and Jackie”: Happily Married for 38 Years

******

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that my man and I are pushing back bigotry and racism one interracial love at a time. There once was a time when neither of us could have imagined our life together. Now that we have lived the reality, we know that “perfect love casts out all fears.”

Oh, and Happy Birthday to me. (The girl and the boy married on the girl’s birthday in 1979.) I gave myself the greatest birthday gift a girl could ever get: the love of a very, very good man!

***

QUOTES TO CHEW ON

“I have never had the least apprehension that I or my friends would marry Negroes if there was no law to keep them from it, but as Judge Douglas and his friends seem to be in great apprehension that they might, if there were no law to keep them from it, I give him the most solemn pledge that I will to the very last stand by the law of this State, which forbids the marrying of white people with Negroes.”—Abraham Lincoln, The so-called “Great Emancipator” (1858)

“Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, Malay, and red, and placed them on separate continents, and but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend the races to mix.”—Virginia trial court Judge Leon Bazile, who heard the case of Richard and Mildred Loving in 1965 and ruled against their interracial marriage.

“Marriage is one of the ‘basic civil rights of man,’ fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not to marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”—The 1967 Supreme Court ruled unanimously in Loving v. Virginia

“The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don’t find very often, then that is what love is all about.”—Bruce Forsyth

***

WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT “ELLIE AND JACKIE”? CHECK OUT THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK: “THE FETUS CHRONICLES: PODCASTS FROM MY MISEDUCATED SELF” ON AMAZON!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE: www.eleanortomczyk.com

Birthday Anniversary Celebration

REFERENCES

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/opinion/sunday/how-interracial-love-is-saving-america.html?mabReward=ACTM_TC4&recp=7&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine *

http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/05/18/528939766/five-fold-increase-in-interracial-marriages-50-years-after-they-became-legal

8 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on June 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Donald Trump, Interracial Love, Interracial Marriage, Racism, satire, storytelling

TRUMP AND HIS CHRISTIAN FOOLS

18 May

Do you know what I discovered this week? There are moles in the White House who are leaking pertinent information. I know because they contacted me. No, that’s not entirely accurate. The White House moles contacted the Tomczyk moles who live in my lawn (of which there are scores), and gave them the straight poop on all the crazy shenanigans that #45 has been up to. They say this president is going down! These moles can hear everything, because they are everywhere under the White House grounds, and they assured my mole peeps that Trump did “tape” Comey on several occasions. How’s that for a “deep state” scoop? Fox News thinks that Obama government hold-overs are the leakers in the White House, but it is actually insectivores.

TRUMP COMEY DINNER John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri

The White House moles are true patriots and are Trump supporters (they tend to support whichever president occupies the White House), but they have become very concerned at the volatility of this particular president and the damage he is causing our democracy. Several of the moles keeled over and fainted dead away when they heard him leak secret information to our enemies the Russians that had been told to our CIA in confidence by the Israelis. (First of all, the White House Moles couldn’t believe that the Russians were invited into the Oval. There are a large group of moles that have served under several presidents, and they had never, ever seen such egregious flaunting of security and boastful mishandling of top secret information.)

Trump spills the Beans Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

Then there was the pulling together of that bogus letter to fire Comey. The White House moles heard it all! Things whispered in the dark and secretly taped… They weren’t fans of Comey’s, but they had heard the inside scoop between #45 and his body guard who later delivered the pink slip to the FBI. When the news broke about Comey, the White House moles were deeply concerned, but when the White House spokespeople blatantly lied about why Comey was fired, the moles wondered whether they should speak up.

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Austria

Then the White House moles overheard a private conversation in the Oval between Trump and one of his loyal Evangelical supporters that greatly alarmed them. The Evangelist was pledging his undying loyalty to Trump along with all his followers, and encouraging Trump to fight on—to never give up—because God was on his side. The Evangelist said that any and all critics were the Anti-Christ and Trump was to ignore them.

The moles determined that a message needed to be leaked on social media to warn the country about what was going on in the White House and the crazed, religious bent of many of #45’s supporters, so they chose “Eleanor the Blogger” because of her long-standing, on-again-off-again relationship with the Virginia moles and the fact that she used to be one of those goose-stepping Christians (horrors!) to sound the alarm. She wasn’t necessarily a fan of moles, but they knew her to be fair. Below is what transpired.

***

This morning, when I went out to pick up the morning newspaper, I noticed a giant pile of leaves and debris on my front lawn. “Goddamnit,” I said to myself. “Those moles have been up to it again!” When I began to stomp down on their tunnel, I noticed that a grungy manila envelope (marked: From the White House Moles) lay just beneath the surface. Upon opening the envelope, I found an old-fashioned tape recording and the picture of the Evangelist Jim Bakker—looking like Gollum with a white beard and a cross on a blue cap. (Remember him of the Jim and Tammy Show [she with the runny mascara from crying all the time], and [he the convicted felon accused of raping a woman, paying her hush money, and misappropriating funds from his Christian village/theme park])? He was convicted for 45 years and sent to prison, but got out after five years on a technicality. At first he appeared to be a humbled and changed man. Even wrote a book about how he was wrong about shaking down gullible people for his self-centered, greedy purposes. But given what I heard from the tape delivered by the moles, he’s back and worse than ever. Below is a transcript of the tape between Jim Bakker and President Trump that was delivered to my lawn by the White House Moles.

Jim Bakker, convicted felon/evangelist/doomsday huckster

TRUMP: Welcome, oh squirrely one. Who are you that dares enter my presence unannounced?

BAKKER: It’s me, your Royalness. One of your poorly educated that you said you loved so much on the campaign trail. I hail from Branson, Missouri.

TRUMP: Oh, yeah! Are you one of my Christians or one of my Heathens?

BAKKER: Your Highness, I’m one of your best Bible-believing Christians. In fact that is why I’m here. God sent me here to tell you not to get discouraged. You won this election because of all the good Christians who prayed and fasted for you, and then voted for you in droves. God heard our prayers and put you in office. If Hillary had won, God told me that it would mean He was judging the world for immature leadership. In fact, I came here to specifically tell you that you should pay no never mind to your critics. They are just haters from Hell. *It seems like there is a hatred among peoples and this is satanic. This (hatred) is the White Horse of the Apocalypse. The White Horse of the Apocalypse is the first horse. It’s a horse of speech. It’s a horse of spirit. And the spirit of Antichrist is out now. This is what you’re seeing. You want to know what the Antichrist spirit looks like. That’s what’s going on in America. These people mocking the president. The words they use. The speech they use. That’s the spirit of Antichrist. That’s the spirit of hatred.*

TRUMP: Oooooh, I knew my haters were bad. Agents of the Devil, you say? Part of the Apocalypse? Epic! God’s on my side? Wait. I thought I was God. Are you betraying me, my little uneducated one?

BAKKER: Oh, no Master. You are the one who will usher in the return of Jesus. No matter who criticizes you, the Christians who voted for you will never, ever believe their lies. We will never turn against you! We will fight for you until the end.

Poorly Educated Arts and politics from the armpit of America

TRUMP: Can you believe how they treat me? **No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly. * And did you hear that a special prosecutor has been appointed to mess with me? They didn’t even consult me—they just up and did it. Announced it to me thirty minutes before announcing it to the world. ***With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign & Obama Administration, there was never a special councel [sic] appointed! This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!”*** This is America. I should be able to do what I want—meet with the Russians, fire somebody, and grab women by their va-jay-jays. I’m the President!

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call

BAKKER: Yes, your Holiness?

TRUMP: So what do you do for a living, my loyal subject?

BAKKER: I’m a leader in the “Prepper Movement.” You remember, I sent you all my pamphlets. I help the right kind of Christians (ones that think like me) prepare for the Apocalypse. I have a show on TV (via DirecTV, Roku, Apple TV), and I sell food and goods for the End Times. The end is fast approaching, my King. You’ve got your tsunamis, your earthquakes, your financial meltdowns, your Zika virus, and most of all, you’ve got your ISIS and your homosexuals—all point to the End Times. Obama was the Anti-Christ, as you know. But don’t you be afraid because you’ll be saved in the Rapture, and you’ve been made President of the United States to hold back God’s wrath for a few years. That’s where I come in. It will be seven years of turmoil and then Jesus will take all the real Christians—including you, Oh Anointed One—right up to Heaven. But you’ve got to stay alive until then. That’s where I come in. I sell enough goods through my TV show to keep you hanging out in your bunker until Jesus returns to rescue us. (This is why Global Warming is a crock of shit—no need to worry about the Earth because Jesus is going to destroy it in seven years anyway, after we’re gone.)

Anyway, to keep you staying alive, I’ll sell you 14 totes full of black bean burger mix for $3,000; what I call Bakker’s Dozen Extreme Canteen Kit, including 13 packs of ponchos, thermal blankets, glow stick and whistles for $500; and my Survival Food Brick Monthly Club with 90 servings of food for $50 per month. I’ll also sell you a solar-powered, “fuel-less” generator for $1,784, and a variety of mid-tech water bottles and hand-cranked ham radios for extra security.

Snapshot of Jim Bakker’s Prepper Food++

TRUMP: I only eat McDonald’s burgers, fries and Kentucky Fried chicken. Got any of that freeze-dried in your seven year plan?

BAKKER: No. But you’ll love what we do have. As you so famously say, “believe me!” It is sooooooooo good!++ My advertising slogan is: “Imagine — the world is dying and you’re having a breakfast for kings!”

TRUMP: Excellent! As I’ve always said, the beauty of me is that I’m very rich, so I can afford your end-timey food. By the way, how much for the snake oil?

***

INSPIRATIONAL “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ON “CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP”

I am discovering that you can’t make this shit up. There are no such things as undercover garden moles leaking me White House secrets, but there is a mad king in the White House and nutty Evangelicals supporting Trump’s every move. In fact, they, along with their science-fiction fears, helped him gain the White House. The exact quotes of Trump and Bakker have been indicated by asterisks in my blog, and are tagged into the source material under “references” below. One of the reasons the supporters of Trump will never believe the truth or stop following him (no matter how terrible he becomes) is because, for many of them, voting for him was a holy cause, and to admit that this president is the worst leader we’ve had since Andrew Johnson means that they were wrong, wrong, wrong in voting for him, and it would shake the very core of their faith in God and their literal interpretation of the Bible. It would destroy them to the core.

++JUICY TIDBIT: EVANGELIST’S JIM BAKKER’S FOOD WAS REVIEWED BY CASEY CHAN OF SPLOID AND CHEF GREG LAURO FROM BROOKLYN, NY WHICH CHEF LAURO PURCHASED AND PREPARED: “The food—which basically only requires the addition of hot water to cook—ends up being like beige slop and red vomit and liquid sludge. (Chef Greg) Lauro described the taste as ‘paper mache’ and ‘a bathroom at a bar at the end of the night in a college town’and ‘one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten in my life’ to describe the taste and smell of the food.”

***

LATEST BOOK BY AUTHOR: The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self

AVAILABLE ON AMAZON NOW!

***

Witch Hunt David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/15/opinion/trump-classified-data.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region&region=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region

*http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jim-bakker-antichrist_us_59195cfbe4b0031e737ebff7

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2017/05/16/trump-officials-on-comey-memo-dont-see-how-trump-isnt-completely-fcked

*http://www.newsweek.com/2016/04/08/televangelist-jim-bakker-back-440991.html

++http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/12/03/456677535/apocalypse-chow-we-tried-televangelist-jim-bakkers-survival-food

*http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/25/televangelist-jim-bakker-donald-trumps-critics-even-the-republicans-look-demon-possessed/

***https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/05/18/trump-is-totally-delusional-about-whats-happening-to-him-right-now/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-b%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

**https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2017/live-updates/trump-white-house/trump-comey-and-russia-how-key-washington-players-are-reacting/trump-says-no-president-has-been-treated-more-unfairly/

5 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on May 18, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Christians for Trump, FBI Director Comey, Jim Bakker, President Trump, Russians, satire, storytelling

HAMILTON, THE MUSICAL

23 Apr

Do you know what I discovered last week? Every once and awhile, God answers one of my begging, pleading, nagging prayers: Last week God answered two of them. I got to go to NYC and see, Hamilton: An American Musical (Yeah, Baby!), and Bill O’Reilly got kicked out of Fox News on his ass along with his sicko buddy Roger Ailes. Buh, bye boys!

OReilly and Ailes Steve SackThe Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

But enough of that slimy, arrogant, racist, misogynistic, lying piece of shit—O’Reilly—and “hello” to a hero and a scholar: ALEXANDER HAMILTON! (You know, that dude on the ten-dollar bill, one of the founding fathers of the United States, one of the main authors of the Federalist Papers, and our first Secretary of the Treasury.)

Playbill_from_the_original_Broadway_production_of_Hamilton

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=47271664

So I bet you’re wondering, how did this old woman get so lucky? Well, as the kids would say, “This is what had happened”:

SOME TIMES PRAYERS DO GET ANSWERED AND DREAMS DO COME TRUE

By the author, ET

**A REVIEW**

Once upon a time there was an old woman who transitioned into retirement the same month a phenomenon was being born on Broadway and tickets into Heaven were easier to get than those to Hamilton. The Woman hadn’t yearned to see a Broadway show as much as this since Les Miz. But, alas, alack, The Man she was married to turned a deaf ear to her machinations to ransom their first born child in order to procure tickets. His only response: “If we weren’t moving—maybe—but we now live on a budget (fixed income/income fixed: say it frontwards and backwards, they both mean the same thing), and tickets to Hamilton are not an option.”

The Woman (who never takes “no” for an answer), while beseeching her God to strike Donald Trump with a lightning bolt and crater Fox News with an earthquake, snuck in a teensy-weenie prayer that he would change her husband’s heart about tickets to the musical Hamilton before Christ’s return. No answer.

In the meantime, The Woman assuaged her disappointment at not seeing the musical by reading Ron Chernow’s bestseller, Alexander Hamilton (the book the musical is based upon) and listening to and memorizing every song on the cast recording of Hamilton.

Book cover of Alexander Hamilton/Amazon.com

A year went by as The Man and The Woman settled into retirement and began to travel more. It was at that point that The Woman began to get hints that Her God might be answering her prayers about Hamilton. A short time later, and quite by accident, The Woman and The Man ended up on St. Kitts on an old sugar cane plantation train traversing the island that overlooked the birthplace of Alexander Hamilton: Charlestown, Nevis.

By Daniel Farrell – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=13565315

“The current structure was rebuilt from the ruins of the house where Alexander Hamilton was born and lived as a young child.”—Wikipedia

As The Woman engaged in excited, hyperbolic pontifications to a fellow traveler sitting next to her about the history of Hamilton, her longing to see the musical before she died, and what a fantastic work of history Ron Chernow’s book is, The Woman encountered (unbeknownst to her) her first Trump supporter in the flesh. The Trump Supporter from Pennsylvania had never heard of the musical (horrors!) or the history book by Chernow (double horrors!!). In fact, The Trump Supporter confessed her lifelong disdain for history until she started reading Bill O’Reilly’s (of Fox News) five historical books about Lincoln, Kennedy, Jesus, Patton, and Reagan (quadruple horrors!!!!). The Trump Supporter asked The Woman if she had read those “wonderful works of history?” The Woman went all Alec Baldwin on her—forgot her traveling manners—as she declared that if the books O’Reilly wrote were considered “history,” then she was a direct descendant of Alexander Hamilton, and that O’Reilly’s books had been trashed by the critics as a bunch of crap. Then The Woman topped the cake with icing by stating: “Anyone who reads O’Reilly’s historical messes as truth is an idiot. Needless to say, The Trump Supporter was not amused, turned her back on The Woman while she demanded that her husband tell the “two queers” in front of the train window to move so that she could get a picture of Hamilton’s island home.

I should have realized at that moment something was afoot: O’Reilly and Alexander Hamilton in the same breath, on a slave train, in a tropical island? God was on the move—I could feel it.

Even Vice President Pence got to see the musical “Hamilton” and got schooled by the Hamilton cast during the curtain call. Yes! And his daddy (Trump) got pissed and demanded an apology from the cast. (Never!!) Everyone was getting to see Hamilton except me. Where was the love, The Woman asked The Man and Her God?

Trump vs Hamilton Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart CagleCartoons.com

Then Christmas 2016 came. The Woman’s present was the last one to be opened. In a box that looked as if it held a new Cuisinart, the woman dug deep and pulled out an envelope: Two tickets to Hamilton for April 2017—“Merry Christmas, Baby, Love ‘White and Wonderful!’”

It appears that The Man had been working, searching, planning, saving, and doing everything in his power to bless the love of his life with tickets to Hamilton. He had bought the tickets over a year ago and kept it a secret from The Woman. The Woman damn near fainted in front of the Christmas tree, as she reminded her children that this was one of the reasons she had married their father—this was the way love rolled!

Last week, The Man and Woman went off to New York City to see the show of a lifetime. Few things ever, ever meet up to one’s expectations, but Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton surpassed The Woman’s greatest expectations! It didn’t matter that Mr. Miranda was no longer starring in this phenomenon, because the replacement cast was equal (and in a couple of cases) better than the original cast. The night The Woman and The Man saw the show, Brian D’Arcy James (of “13 Reasons Why” of Netflix fame and the original King George III during Hamilton’s workshop days), and James Monroe Iglehart (the genie from Broadway’s Aladdin) made their debuts in Hamilton and brought down the house. From the moment the cast started the opening number, and the Aaron Burr character sang his opening line, chills spread up and down The Woman’s body and she and her man were transported to heaven:

“How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a

Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten

Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor,

Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”

Lyrics, “Hamilton” by Lin-Manuel Miranda

The Woman sent a message back to all her family, friends and fans that night: “Do whatever you have to do to see the musical, Hamilton. The hype is no exaggeration. The script is outstanding, the singing is superb, the choreography is brilliant, and the message is transformational. Beg, borrow, steal (do the time [just kidding], oh hell, it would be worth it!), but you must see this show. It will change your life! Lin-Manuel Miranda is a genius.

Photo credit: Eleanor Tomczyk

INSPIRATIONAL “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) BY ELEANOR TOMCZYK

I am discovering that prayers do get answered. While I was in NYC seeing Hamilton, O’Reilly’s career was destroyed. I can’t tell you how many petitions I’ve signed to have that man removed from the airwaves and how many prayers I’ve uttered to have his influence eradicated. I was horrified when I met that Trump Supporter in the West Indies—horrified at the stupidity she embraced based on a stupid man’s lies that she believed to be truth.

On the other hand, I was enthralled by the brilliance of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s awesome rendition of one of our forefathers’ stories. It reminded me that we are a nation of immigrants (Miranda, himself, is the son of Puerto Rican immigrants) inspired by God to do great things. And although it looks as if we are living in the gutter right now under the reign of a tyrant king, we once “turned the world upside down” as Lin-Manuel’s lyric says and did the impossible by overthrowing a stupid king and building a great nation that cannot easily be destroyed. I saw Hamilton and I came away inspired and strengthened in faith that God is hearing my prayers for the immigrant, the disenfranchised, and the powerless.

Killing OReillys Career David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

INSPIRTATION ALEXANDER HAMILTON QUOTES

“Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of man will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice without constraint.”—Alexander Hamilton

“The voice of the people has been said to be the voice of God; and, however generally this maxim has been quoted and believed, it is not true to fact. The people are turbulent and changing, they seldom judge or determine right.”—Alexander Hamilton

“There are seasons in every country when noise and impudence pass current for worth; and in popular commotions especially, the clamors of interested and factious men are often mistaken for patriotism.”—Alexander Hamilton

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

Political Discourse David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2016/nov/05/why-hamilton-is-making-musical-history

http://www.broadwayworld.com/article/Non-Stop-James-Monroe-Iglehart-and-Brian-DArcy-James-Join-the-Broadway-Cast-of-HAMILTON-Tonight-20170414

13 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on April 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Bill O'Reilly, HUMOR, Review of Hamilton, storytelling

EASTER IS COMING!

11 Apr

Do you know what I discovered, recently? Mother Nature can’t make up her mind whether spring should come or winter should stay. I live in a golf community, and even though I’d personally prefer to knock myself unconscious with a five-iron rather than play a round of golf, I am feeling a bit sorry for my friends and neighbors who almost froze to death last week just trying to play nine holes. While they muttered and complained about the wind-chill factor, I turned back on the heat and the fireplace, and wrapped myself in a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate.

Winter Spring Duel Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

As I meditated on the concept of why any sane human being would ever want to hit a white ball with a clubbed stick in any type of weather, suddenly the sky grew dark and stormy, the heavens opened up, and rain with hail the size of peas on steroids began to assault my house and property while the trees bent so low, it looked as if they were trying to kiss the Earth. While I tried to determine whether I was in a tornado and should run down to the basement, a rabbit flew across my lawn (propelled by the wind) in search of shelter, but never managed to land on its feet. The hurricane-type winds pushed him down the hill at fifty miles an hour and out of sight. I’m pretty sure he didn’t survive, and I imagine his bunny ass is plastered against one of the trees in the forest behind my house. However, I’ll never know for sure because when I tried to find out what happened to him once the storm was over, a large snake slithered out of the forest towards me, and I ran back into the safety of my house, screaming: “Oh Hell to the no! Bunny. I like rabbits—being it’s near Easter and all—but tangling with a snake to save your sorry-ass is beyond the pale.” (Don’t you ever wonder why we don’t see more animals flying through the air when bad storms happen? Where do they go during hurricanes and tornados? What do they cling to when the winds are moving at a hundred miles an hour? I have a million squirrels on my property—why didn’t I see at least a half million of those soaring through the air?)

I took a nap, fully expecting to dream about that wind-kill-of-a-bunny, but instead I dreamt of the Easter Bunny. Only in my dream scenario, the Easter Bunny wasn’t being hammered by a winter/spring storm against a tree, he was in hiding in a giant cave with a gazillion eggs, hordes of Easter candy with a legion of reporters asking him how he’d lost his faith. I could see them, but they couldn’t see me. As I approached the scene, I heard the Easter Bunny say: “I quit, I quit I tell you! All you people from every country all over this planet are horrid creatures. There isn’t a country that I’ve visited where I haven’t been assaulted, attacked, and arrested. What am I guilty of? What did I ever do but bring happiness, sunshine, and color to your pathetic lives? And what do I get in return? War. Mayhem. Slaughter. Assault. Abuse. BUNNY LIVES—ESPECIALLY EASTER BUNNY LIVES—MATTER, YOU SONS-A-BITCHES!”

Easter in Europe Marian Kamensky Austria

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

(News organizations represented: RNN=Real News Network, EBN=Easter Bunny News, MNBC=Mayhem Network Broadcasting Corporation, ETWN=End of the World Network)

RNN: Easter Bunny. We just got news via your Twitter account that you’re quitting the biz. What gives?

EASTER B: You—all of y’all. You’re the reason I’m quitting. The entire human race has gotten on my every last nerve. All my bunny partners are quitting, also. From here to China and back through Africa, we are hanging up our Easter baskets and taping down our ears. You beings could care less about Easter and what it stands for. The Bunny Times was delivered to me today, and I almost had a heart attack just getting through the first half-dozen headlines:

The Uranium Underworld: ISIS want a dirty bomb—and it knows where to get one

Famine now threatens more people than at any time since World War II

San Bernardino reels from elementary school shooting that left teacher, 8-year-old student dead

Charleston church shooter Dylann Roof pleads guilty in state court, avoids second death penalty trial

It Took Thieves 30 Seconds to Crash Truck Into Store, Grab Guns And Leave

Approaching “societal collapse”: New equation shows how quickly humans are wrecking the planet

Why the population of Easter Island really died out: Study finds arrival of Europeans brought disease that wiped out inhabitants

EASTER B: I’ve just been hiding out in this cave, getting drunk and sobbing myself to sleep. You people are some nasty-ass mammals. You destroy everything in your wake—from babies to the Earth’s atmosphere. No amount of Cadbury eggs and jelly beans can fix you. You’re broken, and I am at my wit’s end regarding how to fix you.

World Broken Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

EBN: Easter Bunny, is it true that you were shot at in Alabama?

EASTER B: Shot at in Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Louisiana, South and North Carolina, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and of course Florida. Those goddamn “stand your ground laws” will be the death of me yet. What is it with you people and your love of guns? I’ve traveled through war zones and never been shot at as much as I have in the United States. Aren’t you people the ones who claim that the One who Easter is about is the One who loves your nation above all other nations? (It isn’t true, you know; I have it on great authority that my employer loves all peoples from all nations.) But my point is, show me the Bible verse where Jesus said, “I died on the cross so that you might have a life with guns and have guns more abundantly to shoot and kill anybody that looks at you sideways.”

Easter Bunny Gunned Down Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

MNBC: Mr. Bunny, people are saying that you’re exaggerating your plight because in reality you’re just getting too old for the job, but you don’t have the chutzpah to retire. Is it true? Aren’t you 500 years old?

EASTER B: Who is spreading those vicious lies? I’m not a day over 400! I’m as spry as the day I started when I used to be called “The Judge,” and I determined what children had been naughty or nice to leave candy for the nice ones. That is until that fat guy in the red suit took over my modus operandi.

ETWN: Sir, “End of the World Network” here. Is it true that you were on United Airlines flight 3411 at Chicago O’Hare International Airport and saw the entire scene go down when United brutalized the elderly Asian man and pulled him off the plane because they allegedly wanted to give his seat to a crew member? Are the stories we’ve been hearing true?

EASTER B: You’re damn straight the stories are true. Yes, I had just settled into my seat with my basket of goodies (Peeps, jelly beans, chocolate eggs—you name it) stowed overhead when the scene went down. It was just horrific, I tell you—disgusting! The poor man was bleeding and frightened. Children were crying, people were screaming for the United Airlines thugs to stop brutalizing that old man. (He’s a doctor, you know? I kept waiting for the stewardess to announce: “Is there a doctor on board to treat the passenger who we just beat the shit out of?” Then the guy could have raised his hand to treat himself and saved United some money, which seems to be all they care about these days. They certainly don’t care about their customers. Fly the friendly skies with United, my bunny ass!) What you don’t know is that I was the fourth individual who was asked to give up my seat. Well, as you can imagine, I said an emphatic, “Hell to the no!” I had to get to Louisville that night, too. Children were waiting for me. I told the snarky flight attendant that Easter is a priority. Had she no faith?

ETWN: What did she say?

EASTER B: She said, “Yeah, right! If you’re the Easter Bunny, than I’m Jesus Christ. Get out!” And then the United Airlines thugs dragged me out—Easter accoutrements flying every which way but Sunday. It’s appalling the way they treated me! United Airlines actions with the Asian man and with Easter Bunny extraordinaire were devoid of compassion and coldhearted as a snake!

United Airlines Bunny Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

MNBC: Do you have any proof? Did anyone take pictures and post them on Facebook? You got a YouTube video?

EASTER B: That’s for me to know and for you to find out. All you need to know is that last bit of inhumanity did it for me. Broke my heart and my spirit. I figured if they could do that to “moi” (a revered international figure that is well over 400 years old), then no human is safe in their hands. That’s when I decided to give up the ghost and go into hiding. The Chinese Easter Bunny sent me a text a couple hours ago and said he is also quitting, because he is convinced that the United Airlines debacle was racially motivated since the doctor was Asian that they dragged off the plane. I don’t know anything about that (as far as I’m concerned, their actions towards me were those of rodent racists). All I know is no human being who was just trying to make his way back home deserved to be treated like that. Anyway, you all will have to excuse me. I need to get some rest.

EBN: One last question, Easter Bunny. If you stay in hiding, who will represent the Easter Bunny at the White House Easter egg hunt and roll?

EASTER B: No longer my concern, Dude. Maybe your President will be able to conjure up a replacement. In the meantime, adieu, ciao, adios!

Steve Bannon as the Easter Bunny John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT EASTER

I am discovering that fortunately my hope and trust in Easter has nothing to do with a bunny, so he can be dead for all I care. But the fact that my God did not stay dead, but rose again on Easter morning is the reason I live, breathe, and have my being.

Resurrection = a second chance, and a second chance = hope. Every day I pray as a human being to do right by others—be they family or strangers. Yet, every day I fall short of that goal and betray the life of my good God who gave His life for me that I might have life and have it more abundantly than my birth, race, and social status initially accorded me by the country of my birth. I love spring because no matter how cruel and long winter is or how many missteps I make as an inadequate human, spring never fails to resurrect the Earth and bring forth summer, and Easter never fails to readjust my moral compass.

In spite of all the wintery darkness of the world that swirls around us (wars and rumors of wars, chemical warfare, ISIS, and a President from Hell), the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus undergirds my soul so that I hope—no, I KNOW—that because of Easter, summer is coming to the hearts of man. Easter is the miracle that life wins over death.

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

JESUS IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

Easter Risen Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

INSPIRATIONAL EASTER QUOTES

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi

“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”—William P. Young

“Easter is very important to me, it’s a second chance.”—Reba McEntire

Spring and freezing Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS COMING? MY THIRD BOOK! TWO MORE WEEKS—WATCH THIS SPACE!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2017/04/11/donald-trumps-white-house-cant-even-organize-the-easter-egg-roll/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dr-gridlock/wp/2017/04/11/amid-pr-fiasco-over-dragged-passenger-united-ceo-defends-his-crew/?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_no-name%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

6 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on April 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Easter, Easter Bunny, HUMOR, satire, United Airlines

Y’ALL WOKE YET?

23 Mar

Do you know what I’ve discovered this week? Our “country, tis of thee, sweet land of liberty,” is in trouble, Girls and Boys! We are being led by a madman who has been proven to be a consummate liar, and he allegedly colluded with the Russians to interfere with our election. The walls of our country are falling down around Trump’s ears. This dude is beginning to make Nixon look like a saint, and the question that continues to blow my mind is: How can his supporters—especially his Christian supporters—still stand behind this cretin? Plus, he’s trying to kill off Big Bird!

America cannot be saved Marian Kamensky Austria

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Austria

I “watched” the Congressional hearing featuring Director Comey and his side-kick Adm. Michael S. Rogers the other day from start to finish. THE FINAL VERDICT: Trump LIED, LIED, LIED about President Obama wiretapping Trump Tower, Trump lied about President Obama coercing British intelligence to spy on him (which incurred the wrath of the Brits), and Trump lied about lying. And then there are the Russian connections to his campaign—growing stronger and louder every day.

Besides the Russians, I started wondering about the two major groups that ushered this madman into the White House: disenfranchised White folks (boy, are they going to be devastated at his betrayal) and born-again Christians (boy, are they gonna have some ‘splainin’ to do to Jesus). I’m wondering how they can justify their support of such a creature—especially the “born-agains.” (In the interest of full disclosure, I am a born-again Christian but the kind with a brain, a heart, and a soul that hasn’t sold itself to the devil—a.k.a. Trump.)

Maybe it’s me? Maybe the rules have changed as to how God feels about liars. If so, then I can see why the 4 out of 5 White evangelicals who voted for Trump (and think he is God’s anointed man of the hour) are winking at his lies. I don’t know—maybe there’s a new Bible in town— you know, the book they all swear by. I decided to put Trump and The Holy Bible on trial and call up my alter ego (The Dalai Mama) to do a “Judge Judy” courtroom scene in which Truth is weighed in the balance.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Courtroom scene opens in an alternative universe where Donald Trump is the defendant, the God of the Universe is the plaintiff, and my alter ego (The Dalai Mama) is the judge.

BAILIFF: All rise. Department One of the Superior Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Dalai Mama is presiding. Please be seated.

DALAI MAMA: Good mornin’, ladies and gentlemen. Hope y’all had your Wheaties this mornin’ ‘cause it’s gonna be a long day, I can tell. Callin’ forward our first case of the God of the Universe versus Donald Trump. Are both sides ready? Where’s the plaintiff, God? I don’t see him.

BAILIFF: Excuse me, your Honor, but God sent a representative to testify on his behalf—The Holy Bible. If that is okay with you?

DALAI MAMA: What am I gonna say? No? I’d much prefer THE MAN, Himself show today because He’s been awful quiet lately. The world could use Him showing up in the flesh, and settin’ a few things straight. In fact, we really need him to do something about South Sudan. Starvation is getting’ so bad there that the guerilla warriors are kidnapping the aid workers and demanding their ransom in food. But since He’s God, I’ll accept His surrogate. Proceed, Bailiff.

BAILIFF: Your Honor, the defendant (Donald J. Trump) has been charged with the crime of lying through his teeth.

TRUMP: False! Bad Bailiff! You dare judge me—fake news! Under the law I am presumed innocent until proven guilty. During this trial, you will hear no real evidence against me. You will come to know the truth: that I, Donald Trump, speak only truth and everyone who disagrees with me speaks lies—especially that “bad man,” Barack Hussein Obama. I am not guilty of anything. All my facts about him came from very reliable sources of the highest order.

Trump Intel David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

DALAI MAMA: Zip it Donald. Keep it up, and you’ll be in contempt of court. The Bench calls the owner of the truth of God—the Holy Bible.

BAILIFF: Please stand. Raise your right hand. Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

BIBLE: I do.

BAILIFF: Please state your first and last name and spell it.

BIBLE: My name is Bible—no first name—just Bible. I’m the “B-I-B-L-E…”

BAILIFF: [breaks into song) “Yes, that’s the book for me!”

DALAI MAMA: Cut it out, Bailiff, my courtroom ain’t no Sunday school! Bible, since you are the plaintiff in this case, what has Donald Trump done to piss off the God of the Universe.

BIBLE: Well, your honor, Mr. Trump claims to be a “Christian,” but Jesus sent me here to tell the Court that if this man is a Christian, then the Earth is flat and the Sun revolves around the Earth. He’s never heard Trump repent of anything, admit he’s wrong about anything, and God finds him to be a lowlife who abuses women.

TRUMP: Oh, yeah? Well, if I’m not a Christian, why did the White Conservative Evangelicals send me to the White House? They think I’m a Christian. Besides, who cares what you think: I’m President and you’re not. And who is this Jesus, anyway. Didn’t he get crucified? I don’t like gods who get crucified—only gods who don’t. Loser!

DALAI MAMA: Hey—FOOL! Don’t you dare come up in my courtroom blasphemin’ the Lawd. You may survive his wrath, but you won’t survive mine, Sucka! Bible, please proceed.

Trump Burning Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

BIBLE: As I was saying, the God of the Universe takes issue with Mr. Trump being a Christian and questions the faith of those who will not confront The Donald on his egregious lies. One of the characteristics of God is that he is a God of Truth. If it would please the Court, would your Honor please read the latest tweet lies that made their way into the heavens and, therefore, to God’s ears?

DALAI MAMA: Sure. Is it true Mr. Trump that on March 4, 2017, you tweeted the following: “How low has President Obama gone to tapp [sic] my phones during the very sacred election process? This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!” What is it about Barack Obama that causes you to lose yo’ “Christianity,” Sir? If, indeed, you are a Christian.

TRUMP: The Kenyan keeps messing with me. He’s messing with me right now. Can’t you see him standing over there trying to tape this travesty of a hearing? He’s in cahoots with that Jesus character.

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

DALAI MAMA: No! You’re changing the subject, Little Man. These court documents submitted by David Leonhardt from the NY Times say you (Trump) lied about: “Obama’s birthplace, John F. Kennedy’s assassination, Sept. 11, the Iraq War, ISIS, NATO, military veterans, Mexican immigrants, Muslim immigrants, anti-Semitic attacks, the unemployment rate, the murder rate, the Electoral College, voter fraud and his groping of women.” Look like you wouldn’t know the truth if it came and bit you in the butt, Trumpee. Bible, what does God have to say about lyin’?

BIBLE: Tons of stuff. First off, in the second commandment of the Ten Commandments, God says: Don’t do it. In Leviticus 19:11, my pages say: “Do not lie. Do not deceive.”

TRUMP: Levite what? Is that some kind of Jewish hotdog? I love hot dogs.

BIBLE: (Sigh!) Then there’s one of my favorites: “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” That’s in Colossians 3:9

DALAI MAMA: Isn’t that lovely? My favorite is Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Isn’t that somethin’ else? “We are members of one another.” Now, how you and yo’ followers claim to be Christians when you lie like a rug when it’s so much easier to tell the truth. Director Comey shot yo’ lies right out of the sky.

Lies shot down by Comey Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

TRUMP: You believe that so-called FBI Director? That so-called Bible? They’re both lying. They’re both fakes—pushing fake news!

BAILIFF: Y’all ain’t even come close to my favorite scripture about lyin’ yet, written right there in the heart of the Bible in Psalm 34:11-16:

“Come my children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

Whoever of you loves life

And desires to see many good days,

Keep your tongue from evil

And your lips from telling lies.

…the face of God is against those who do evil,

To blot out their name from the Earth.”

DALAI MAMA: Oooooh, you hear that, Trump?. Your days are numbered, Baby. The Bible that you say you believe in says the God you say you believe in is gonna wipe your behind off the face of the Earth and blot out the Trump name from the Earth unless you stop doin’ evil. There you have it. On that note, I ain’t got nothin’ else to say, except: “Donald J. Trump, you are guilty of lyin’ your ass off, and you stand accused of such, by the God of the Universe. Repent, ask God’s forgiveness, and apologize to President Obama for defaming his name and legacy, and then, maybe—just maybe—your presidency might not suffer the wrath of God!”

TRUMP: I never admit to wrong doing. I never ask forgiveness (I thought everybody knew that). I don’t like this hearing. God is so unfair. Bad God. Why doesn’t he zap the Kenyan? Then maybe I’d listen to him. He clearly doesn’t like me. I only like gods who like me. So there!

Trump Cursed America Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) REGARDING TRUMP’S LIES

I am discovering that America needs to ask itself: What type of leader do we want, and what is the meaning of truth? The more lying becomes accepted practice in our presidents, the more we’ll get used to it, until there will be no more truth in the land. ‘Cause here’s the thing: a fish rots from the head on down. Hey, Christian supporters of Trump: “Y’ALL WOKE YET?”

What America Wants Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

***

SCARY QUOTES ABOUT TRUMP’S INABILITY TO TELL THE TRUTH

“Donald Trump’s peculiar relationship with the truth—his penchant for promoting unfounded stories and conspiracies theories—represents not just a curious quirk or a character flaw. They are a much-practiced technique that has paid dividends as self-promotion in his business career and in his political rise. Over decades spent in the company of yes men and yes women, he has been able to fire off nonsense without question or rebuke. But now he is President Trump, and his breezy spewing of falsehoods has become a national embarrassment—a threat to U.S. security and America’s standing in the world.”—Frida Ghitis/CNN

“If the Trump campaign, or anybody associated with it, aided or abetted the Russians, it would not only be a serious crime, it would also represent one of the most shocking betrayals of our democracy in history.”—Rep. Adam Schiff of California

“I have been authorized by the Department of Justice to confirm that the FBI, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the Russian government’s efforts to interfere in the 2016 presidential election,” Comey said. “And that includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump campaign and the Russian government.”—Director Comey

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

ANNOUNCEMENT: Third book by author due to launch in three weeks. Stay tuned!

***

REFERENCES

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2017/03/trump_s_comey_tweet_was_one_of_his_most_terrifying_lies_yet.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/20/opinion/all-the-presidents-lies.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region&region=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region&_r=0

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/21/us/roger-stone-donald-trump-russia.html?action=click&contentCollection=Opinion&module=Trending&version=Full&region=Marginalia&pgtype=article

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/20/us/trump-obama-wiretap-comey.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=first-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/17/opinions/trump-falsehoods-a-national-embarrassment-ghitis/?iid=ob_article_footer_expansion

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/22/opinions/spicer-problem-with-truth-robbins/index.html

3 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on March 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: #Trump Lies, Christian Trump Supporters, Director Comey, FBI Russian Investigation, HUMOR, satire

NIGHTMARES OF A MAD MAN

08 Mar

Do you know what I discovered this week? That Number 45 is losing his mind due to insane jealousy of a Black man and has declared all-out war on the former President. What’s your evidence, you’d ask? Why, the nuclear twitter war we’ve all found ourselves in, I’d reply. Not to mention the secret intel I received from an anonymous source this week, I’d say.

Trump Shelter Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

Reveal your sources, you’d demand! HELL TO THE NO, I’d exclaim! Your pay grade isn’t high enough for me to reveal my deep throat connections. But I can share with you one thing: I have a transcript of a certain President’s late night conversation with his hand mirror, which should prove to you that the impostor in the White House has gone stark raving mad.

Check it out!

Trump Paranoia Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

***TOP SECRET/CONFIDENTIAL***

SUBJECT: Clandestine surveillance of Number 45 (code name: “Little Hands”)

METHOD: Wiretapping of cell phone, hacking of Twitter account, and bugging of Mar-a-Lago—Florida White House

DATE: Saturday Morning when son-in-law is observing the Sabbath

TIME: 3:00 a.m.

Below is a transcript of Number 45 in the wee hours of the morning having woken up from what appears to our agents to be an on-going nightmare. Judging by the camera angles from the gold lamé canopy over the master suite bed, Trump woke up extremely agitated and in a cold sweat as he frantically went in search of his favorite hand mirror and his cell phone. The following conversation was recorded soon after.

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

#45: Mirror, mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?

MIRROR: You again? You ask me this same god-damn question every night since you took office. And I tell you the same freakin’ thang:

“Donald, Baby, you da’ fairest in the land…”

#45: REALLY?! SO TRUE… SO GOOD! SO BIGLY! THANK YOU HAND MIRROR, SO MUCH!

MIRROR: And like all the other nights you rush to judgment because you cut me off befo’ I finish speakin’. Then I have to go and repeat myself:

“Trumpee, Darlin’, you da’ fairest in the land as to what’s in reach of yo’ tiny little hands.

BUT, dear Donald, yo’ land is small (Mar-a-Lago, golf courses, Trump Tower, and all).

Because you, my Donald, are fair; it is true (in a reality star, classless, nouveau riche type of brew),

But Barack Obama is—throughout the entire world—so much fairer than you.

He is so cool, so suave, so intelligent, so sophisticated, so kind, so gracious

Compared to vous!”

#45: NOOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn’t true! Where’s my phone? Where’s my sweet little blue bird, too?

MIRROR: WORD! What I say is true, because unlike you, I cannot lie—so bye!

#45: Wait, wait hand mirror. What if I told you my humble abode at Trump Tower had been “wiretaped” by Obama during the campaign? Wouldn’t that show the world what a nasty, bad guy he is picking on little ol’ me, when I’m just trying to do my job and become the most adored president—ever—throughout the land?

MIRROR: What if I told you that yo’ sorry-ass can’t spell worth a damn? You think that Good King Obama wire “T-A-P-P-E-D” your phone lines in Trump Tower, as well as the cell phone in your hand? When and how? While you was in the shower?

Obama Wire tapping Wolverton Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

#45: I don’t know how that Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist darkie recorded my conversations with the Russians before the election—I just know that he is not one of the good Blacks who adores me (SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL, OMAROSA!), so he must have it out for me. So watch me tweet this to the world to destroy his reputation:

@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”

Voila! I bet you people won’t think he’s such a hot shot now. “Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who is now the fairest in the land?”

MIRROR: “Trumpee, how many times do I have to repeat this rhyme?

“You are the fairest in your mind, that’s true.

But my main man, Barack Hussein Obama,

Is a thousand times a better man than you.

You lie, you cheat, you disavow,

Any bad behavior in the past or now.

In truth, my little tiny hand ‘king,’

You’re not worthy to kiss Obama’s ring.”

Trump Magic Show Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

#45: SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one’s more popular—more loved by the people than me. I’ll send out another tweet to kill that damn Obama’s popularity—you’ll see:

@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”

MIRROR: FALSE, tiny hands! Most of those prisoners were released by Bush—check your sources, you feeble-minded douche.

#45: I can break you, you know. You’re just a mirror.

MIRROR: No, you can’t—you’re just a bully; of you, I have no fear. (God, I need to quit this gig and go do mimes—I can’t stop talkin’ in mindless rhymes.) My point remains the same, that in this game: Even if you ordered your demon, Bannon, to cut out the heart and liver of Obama, like in the story of Snow White, Barack’s star would still shine bright. After that brutal act, you’d ask me on a future, nightmarish night, to tell you of your fairest plight, and I’d answer with the same keen insight:

“Oh, Donald, thou art fairest of the 45% you see

(The people who voted for you—NOT ME),

But outside of the White House and your crazy-ass supporters,

Barack Obama’s reputation is still alive and well,

And none is as fair as he.”

#45: WHAT THE F—! Must send rash of new tweets showing my hatred and jealousy of previous ruler—Barack HUSSEIN Obama—and other shit, before he goes into history books as a better leader than me. (God, I hate that N—)

MIRROR: Watch yo’ mouth, old man, if you wish to live to see another day with yo’ tiny little hands!

#45: Sigh! (I hate that Kenyan ever since I couldn’t prove he wasn’t an American, and he made a fool of me at the Correspondents’ Dinner.) I’LL GET YOU, BARRY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, BO, TOO! Cannot sleep until I bring that Mofo down. (Love that word, Mofo. Learned it from Arsenio Hall when he was on Celebrity Apprentice—best show ever!)

@Donald J. Trump TWEET: SAD! Just learned Waldo in “Where’s Waldo” books harder to find. He got smaller. Obama did it. SNEAKY NEGRO!

@Donald J. Trump TWEET: Said I didn’t have meeting with any Russians during campaign. Google has proof I did. Boo Google—failing company. HATERS!

@Donald J. Trump TWEET: UNPRESIDENTIAL! Obama won’t return my phone calls. What bug flew up his ass? RUDE!

Trump Obama fever Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that giving up alcohol and carbs for Lent was ill-timed. I no longer have any coping mechanisms at my disposal during the reign of “Little Hands.”

Trump Fear hate Lies Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

***

MEDITATIVE QUOTES ABOUT TWITTER USE

“On the one hand Twitter gives you the opportunity to engage with people, which is great, but on the other there are people who feel they can say whatever they want, put poison out there, really, without fear of any repercussions.”—Michael Sheen

“What do you think Jesus would twitter, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ or ‘Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago.’”—Chris Cornell

“I don’t do Twitter because I don’t want to talk about myself more than I already have to.”—Kit Harington

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: THIRD BOOK OF THE DISCOVERY SERIES DUE OUT IN APRIL 2017. WATCH THIS SPACE!

***

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2017/03/07/top-trump-ally-met-with-putin-s-deputy-in-moscow.html

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/08/politics/donald-trump-barack-obama-wiretapping/index.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/05/opinion/when-one-president-smears-another.html?mabReward=A3&recp=1&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2017/03/06/here-are-the-photos-that-show-obamas-inauguration-crowd-was-bigger-than-trumps/?hpid=hp_hp-cards_hp-card-fedgov%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

http://www.salon.com/2017/03/07/ben-carsons-infinite-fall-from-grace/

10 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on March 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: #Trump Lies, Donald Trump, HUMOR, President Obama, satire, storytelling, Trump Tweets, Wiretapping

WINTER IS COMING

01 Mar

Do you know what I discovered today? I’M BACK! But while I was gone, finishing my third book which is due out in April, it appears that we had two defining moments as a nation:

#1. “Number 45” has shown himself to be far more horrific, narcissistic, and petulant at governing than we could have ever imagined, which means (to borrow a phrase from Game of Thrones) “winter is coming” America!

#2. Astronomers discovered a nearby solar system with seven Earth-like planets that might support life.

Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking about moving.

new-home-planet-john-cole-the-scranton-times-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

I wonder if at least one of the seven planets will give me political asylum because I can foresee a time when open resistance to this administration may cause me problems. You see, I’m no longer just Eleanor “The Writer,” Eleanor “The Wife, Mother, and Grandmother,” I had to become “ET the Bee” when I joined the resistance movement recently after “he who shall not be named” started acting the fool over the past forty days.

I chose my underground resistance pseudonym because bees are the deadliest non-human animals in America. One bee may not prove to be more than a nasty inconvenience, but when combined with 99 other bees, the stings can be deadly.

I know that I am nobody, and if my words (my choice of warfare) sting at all, at this point, they are simply a nuisance. HOWEVER, when my words are added with others in the resistance (comedians, anti-Trump bloggers, and journalists with balls), they become powerful and will eventually bring down “Number 45” and his entourage—which is my hope and prayer. (I told you that I’d pray for “Number 45”—I just didn’t tell you how I’d pray for him.)

But I can see a day when our narcissistic leader starts going after bloggers like he’s going after the legit Media. (Actually, isn’t his wife already suing a blogger? Yikes!) Therefore, I’ve put together a back-up plan to apply for asylum on one of the seven new planets. If they will let me in as an Earthly alien, which might be doubtful, given our reputation in the universe.

Cartoon used by permission: Osama Hajjaj, Jordan

TRAPPIST 1 SYSTEM

AQUARIUS CONSTELLATION

39 LIGHT-YEARS (235 TRILLION MILES) AWAY FROM EARTH

Dear Trappist 1 Immigration Service:

My name is Agent “ET Bee,” and I am writing you to request asylum in the event that the Looney Tunes guy who has stolen the presidency of the United States (maybe via Russia—not what I’m saying, but others are saying it—SAD!), tries to kick out any and everyone who attempts to speak truth to power or who attempts to shake our citizens out of their foggy thinking.

I have no idea how much of the Earth’s history you know, but we’ve been here before. The first sign of a wannabe dictator is that they try to silence their critics. It then follows with the dictator denying the Press access to information (sending them to Siberia), then imprisoning them, and finally killing them. That way the dictator can present himself any way he chooses without pesky challenges.

press-and-dictators-dave-granlund-politicalcartoons-com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

As a resistance movement agent, I am engaged in the fight to keep “Number 45” (my name for him because I refuse to add the respectful word of “president” to the last name of a liar, pussy grabber, and womanizing, thrice-married, twitter-addicted, bromancer of Vladimir Putin) from becoming normalized and acceptable in the American psyche. Last week, at least 60% of Americans did not consider “Number 45” to be our legitimate president. Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by 3 million more people, and the orange orangutan won the presidency with 304 Electoral College votes, which I’m sure you think that system is really antiquated and quite amusing. The end result was that the majority would like to have a do-over and those who voted for him were slowly waking up with buyer’s remorse.

not-my-president-milt-priggee-www-miltpriggee-com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

That was until last night when “Number 45” gave a speech to the joint session of Congress and actually acted presidential. Did you watch it? He was (for the most part) positive in tone and he didn’t talk about his poll numbers or his enemies, the Media. Today, 76% of those polled approve of his speech and feel like maybe they can relax and everything will be just fine.

Alien brothers and sisters, this is where the slip-and-slide into Hell begins.

My peeps from another solar system, Trump was reading a practiced speech (he was seen going over it in the back of his limo) from a teleprompter that multiple speech writers had written. Don’t be fooled by it. Don’t listen to what he says—watch what he does to know where we’re headed as a country. Don’t be fooled by his calm manner—his actions for the past 41 days do not support what you saw.

Also, dear aliens, check out the creatures who surround him and whisper in his ear—day in and day out. The Alt-Right, anti-Semitic slug, Steve Bannon’s actions belie Trump’s speech before Congress regarding his sudden concern about the rise of anti-Semitism and hate crimes in America.

bannon-the-jabba-david-fitzsimmons-the-arizona-star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

I will stay on Earth as long as I can to sting and agitate “Number 45” as often as I must in order to get my fellow Americans to wake up and resist this creature who should never have become our president. In the meantime, Dear Aliens, it would be best if you not send representatives to the United States (or anywhere else on our warring planet) in the immediate future because we are pretty fucked up as a species, and our leader just might gather you up and deport you to Mexico.

Until our next communication,

Signed: ET, the Bee!

new-planets-nate-beeler-the-columbus-dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT TRUMP’S QUASI STATE OF UNION SPEECH

I am discovering that we Americans are being lulled to sleep—like lobsters in a kettle who get used to tepid water turning into a boiling death. One minute they’re moving around in their watery grave—high-fiving one another—the next minute they are dinner.

AMERICA, LISTEN TO ME: “Number 45” is an actor—a reality TV star. He holds a Screen Actor’s Guild membership card. There was no there, there during the “State of the Union” speech. He was “playing” normal. You saw a performance artist act as the president of the United States during the quasi State of the Union. If you mistake that show as reality, you’ll be purchasing a one-way ticket to Trappist 1 System along with my fictional character by the time Trump’s term is over because you won’t recognize our country. We will not be great, we’ll be 1984 part deux.

Oh, and as to the shameless and deplorable way he exploited the widow of Navy SEAL William “Ryan” Owens, which so many pundits are applauding, this is how you know what kind of human we’re dealing with here: Trump used this woman’s grief to cover up the fact that he ordered a military operation that failed and is being challenged by many—including Owens’ father who refused to meet with Trump when his son’s body was returned to the States. The buck stops at the President’s desk as Harry Truman once said, but Trump has blamed the failure of the raid on Obama (“Obama planned it before he left, I just followed his lead”) and the military (“they lost Ryan, not me”) while waving the incense thurible of a widow’s broken-hearted tears to cloud our minds and make us forget his culpability as Commander in Chief. The only time Trump veered off script and spoke in his “own words” which showed his true colors—his penchant for applause and adulation—was when he made that cringe-worthy statement to Owens’ widow as she sobbed while looking up to the heavens. “Ryan is looking down right now, you know that, and he’s very happy, because I think he just broke a record,” said our very manipulative and cynical president. (I assume “Number 45” meant Owens broke a record of applause for someone at a State of the Union address.) Yeah, that’s just what Navy SEAL Owens was thinking as he looked in from the Great Beyond at his beautiful broken family: “Shit, my applause lasted longer than Spencer Stone of Sacramento, California (staff sergeant in the US Army who helped stop a terrorist attack on a train in Europe) at last year’s State of the Union with President Obama. Hot damn that certainly was worth getting killed for and destroying my family in the process.”

“We are one people, with one destiny… The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us. We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts.” This was one of the more poetic phrases in Trump’s speech that I would love to embrace. I suppose that means no more nasty tweets against Saturday Night Live, Meryl Streep, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or against anybody who doesn’t like him, or against any journalist who is getting too close to his relationship with his boyfriend, Vlad. If “Number 45” will stop tweeting vicious, petulant messages, maybe I’ll start to believe his beautiful, scripted words, but until then…

state-of-union-david-fitzsimmons-the-arizona-star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE

“This speech [Trump’s address to Congress] will get very positive reviews. But remember—government isn’t a speech [emphasis=mine]. Today, before this speech, with little fanfare, Trump signed into law an NRA-backed bill that will allow more mentally ill people to buy guns. And remember, there is still Russia. That is not going and cannot go away.”– Michael Tomasky, The Daily Beast/ Donald Trump Finally Sounds Presidential. For 60 Minutes

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: THIRD BOOK FROM AUTHOR DUE OUT IN APRIL 2017! WATCH THIS BLOG SPACE.

***

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2017/02/28/any-minute-now-trump-will-ruin-the-good-impression-he-just-made/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.salon.com/2017/03/01/mr-trump-visits-the-capitol-same-old-lies-in-a-terrifying-new-context/

http://www.politico.com/story/2017/02/donald-trump-congress-speech-235547

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/03/01/the-pundits-are-wrong-trumps-handling-of-the-ryan-owens-affair-was-contemptibly-cynical/?tid=pm_pop

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/22/world/new-exoplanets-discovery-nasa/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/right-turn/wp/2017/02/24/bannon-and-trump-are-out-for-revenge/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-c%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.salon.com/2017/02/24/steve-bannon-says-trumps-cabinet-of-billionaires-is-selected-for-a-reason-deconstruction/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bannons-dangerous-deconstruction/2017/02/26/0d1aab0e-fad2-11e6-be05-1a3817ac21a5_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

10 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on March 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: Donald Trump, Political Humor, State of the Union, Steve Bannon, Trappist 1 System

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’M GONNA MISS YOU!

16 Jan

Do you know what I’ve discovered? I can’t believe I’m not living in a nightmare. I woke up this morning to our President-elect in an ongoing twitter war with the CIA (Oh, my God, has this man lost his mind?!), Saturday Night Live, and Rep. John Lewis (a civil rights icon)—all in the last forty-eight hours. Shoot me now!

where-is-trump-ii-bob-englehart-caglecartoons-com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

Of course, it hasn’t helped Trump’s case that I’ve been watching all the emotional farewell rounds of the Obamas on TV—from Oprah to Jimmy Fallon to 60 Minutes to President Obama’s good-bye speech. Not to mention the surprise honor that President Obama bestowed upon Vice President Biden that made us all lose our composure. Their friendship is enviable. I’ve also been crying for days because I realized that a grown-up will be turning over the keys to the kingdom on January 20^th to a petulant child who doesn’t read, loves grabbing “kittens,” and gives credibility to bullies as his friends.

The juxtaposition of President Obama and Trump couldn’t be more black and white. One is the embodiment of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream,” and the other is a Central Casting character of my worst nightmare. On top of everything, Trump hasn’t acknowledged Martin Luther King Day as most Presidents have in the past, and as of this posting, has cancelled his trip to tour the new African-American Museum on Monday where he could actually learn why going after Congressman John Lewis was a big mistake—huge! Maybe his actions will change, but as of this posting, he’s acting anything but presidential.

The Bible says that “we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses . . .” If that is so, it seems as if that cloud is watching the “big game” in another galaxy because right about now, the baton is being passed from someone who I consider will go down in history as one of our greatest presidents (who did seem to have a heavenly cheering squad while in office) to someone who historians will label as the worst of the worst as presidents go.

obama-made-history-nate-beeler-the-columbus-dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

As I fretted over all this, I feel asleep on the keyboard of my computer, and I dreamt . . . In my dream, I sent an email to heaven in search of Dr. King. Perhaps he could ease my aching heart.

***

martinlutherkingjr@magnificentheaven.com

DEAR DR. KING:

First of all, happy birthday, Sir! We sure do miss you down here. There is so much more of your legacy that needs to be fleshed out. Had you lived, you’d be 87 years old, and if you had lived this long, you would surely have had a heart attack today. Oh, not that things haven’t gotten a helluva (can I say that?) lot better than when you were in our midst, but we still have a long way to go. Don’t know if you’ve been watching, but we are about to say good-bye to your dream, Dr. King: a Black man and his family whose character is beyond reproach. A Black man who won not just one term but TWO terms as President of the United States. Bet you didn’t see that coming?

Cartoon used by permission: Christopher Weyant, The Hill

Dr. King, not only was this our first Black president, but he had the nerve to be named Barack Hussein Obama. I’d have to say that God has a fabulous sense of humor—the two of you must still be cracking up over that one. Anyway, tell God that he sent us a really good guy to be our leader eight years ago. Although he was treated with the worst disdain, racism, and obstructionism of any president we’ve ever had, President Obama had the character that you said we all should be judged by. When the haters went low, he and his wife went high. It was a marvel to behold. No preacher that I’ve ever known or who has ever criticized Barack Obama’s Christian faith has ever modeled this type of Christlike behavior towards his haters as has our departing President. The President-Elect (you may know him as “Trump the Tweeter”) led the so-called birther movement against your man for years trying to delegitimize his presidency and quite a few people believed him.

repubs-dont-know-obama-is-christian-rj-matson-caglecartoons-com

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, CagleCartoons.com

You probably already know this as part of that great cloud of witnesses that watch over us, but in spite of the fact that the GOP leaders made a concerted, coordinated effort to thwart Barack Obama’s every move and make him a one-term president, he still did an outstanding job. According to the Washington Monthly, he . . .

Rescued the Economy, Passed Wall Street Reform, Negotiated a Deal to Block A Nuclear Iran, Secured U.S. Commitment to a Global Agreement on Climate Change,

Eliminated Osama bin Laden

the-guy-obama-got-cardow-the-ottawa-citizen

Cartoon used by permission: Cardow, The Ottawa Citizen

Ended U.S. Combat Missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, Turned Around the U.S. Auto Industry, Repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’’ Supported Federal Recognition of Same-Sex Marriages, Reversed Bush Torture Policies, Established Rules to Limit Carbon Emissions from Power Plants, Normalized Relations with Cuba, Protected DREAMers from Deportation

Passed Health Care Reform

obamacare-victory-paresh-nath-the-khaleej-times-uae

Cartoon used by permission: Paresh Nath, The Khaleej, Times UAE

Kicked Banks Out of Federal Student Loan Program, Expanded Pell Grant Funding, Appointed first Latina Judge, Diversified the Federal Bureaucracy, Passed Fair Sentencing Act, Revived the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division, Reduced the Threat from Nuclear Weapons, Cut the Deficit, Strengthened Women’s Right to Fair Pay, Expanded Health Coverage for Children

Just to name a few . . . And yet the dude who will take President Obama’s place on January 20^thand his GOP cronies are doing everything in their power to turn back any good he might have done.

creatures-from-the-swamp-wolverton-cagle-cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

But I will not dwell on the negative. This week as the orange Twitter King takes the throne, I will think on all that is good and lovely about President and Mrs. Obama. How their legacy to us is not only Barack’s intelligent, patient, strong leadership, but Michelle’s intelligent, witty, inclusive, and beautiful spirit as FLOTUS. I will celebrate Barack’s stellar character as a husband and father and Michelle’s indomitable strength as a woman, wife, and mother—much assailed by her haters who always “went high when they went low.” I will always remember and celebrate President Obama’s legacy as “Comforter in Chief”—his amazing grace at Sandy Hook, Charleston, and Orlando.

Most of all, I will remember his legacy of HOPE—the “audacity of hope!” The other day, my eight-year-old grandson was asked by his mother where he would like to go to college when he grows up. He said: “Probably Harvard or MIT.” (I had no idea Harvard or MIT existed until I was in college—it certainly never crossed my mind that I could ever aspire to matriculate there.) His mother replied: “Oh, like Barack Obama. Do you want to be President when you grow up?” My little African-American grandson who has never known any other President in his short life responded—without hesitation: “Sure, why not?”

Dr. King, I want to thank you for paving the way for Barack Hussein Obama to become our president with your own life and sacrifices. You’ll be happy to know that on top of all that President Obama did for our nation is the icing on the cake that his two-term administration was without a trace of scandal because of his stellar character.

By the way, the next time you bump into Jesus, would you please ask him what his strategy is for our country with this new turn of events regarding the orange king with the Putin fetish? Most of us are a tad bit hysterical with fear and trepidation for the future. We could use a little touch from God right about now. Take care, and Happy Birthday, Dr. King!

obama-farewell-ii-fb-plus-pat-bagley-salt-lake-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT PRESIDENT OBAMA

I am discovering that what I want to broadcast to the world is: Thank you, President Obama. You have changed our nation—for the better—forever! Then I want to get on a plane on Friday in the wee hours of the morning of Trump’s inauguration and fly to another country before I have to witness the ceremony of the abomination that is to come. I think I’ll go down to Mexico (my bags are already packed), drown my sorrows in copious margaritas with my wonderful husband, get a couple massages, and return sometime next week when all is said and done with “he, who shall not be named” moving into the White House. (I promise to slip back into the country before President-Elect Trump erects the wall between Mexico and the United States.) But even if he manages not to fuck up his first term in office (only one term, God, please—if you love us!), he’s still no Barack Obama and never will be!

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call

***

INSPIRATIONAL KING/OBAMA QUOTES

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”—Martin Luther King, Jr II

“If we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment – this was the time – when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals.”—Barack Obama (after winning Democratic primary in 2008)

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”—President Obama

“The future rewards those who press on. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I don’t have time to complain. I’m going to press on.”—President Obama

“But laws alone won’t be enough. Hearts must change. It won’t change overnight. Social attitudes oftentimes take generations to change. But if our democracy is to work the way it should in this increasingly diverse nation, then each one of us need to try to heed the advice of a great character in American fiction, Atticus Finch, who said “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”—President Obama’s Farewell

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle)

7 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on January 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

Tags: #ThanksObama, Donald Trump, HUMOR, Martin Luther King, President Obama, storytelling

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WHEN ELLIE MET JACKIE

TRUMP AND HIS CHRISTIAN FOOLS

HAMILTON, THE MUSICAL

EASTER IS COMING!

Y’ALL WOKE YET?

NIGHTMARES OF A MAD MAN

WINTER IS COMING

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’M GONNA MISS YOU!

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