how the hell did i end up here?

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PRAYING IS NOT ENOUGH

Do you know what I discovered this week? We Americans are some angry Mofos! Before the pilot could announce “wheels up” on the plane carrying the Pope back to the Vatican, an enthralled America lost its “thrall” and collapsed back into its proverbial state of rage. The Holy Father encouraged us to adopt a “spirit of cooperation” and urged “quiet acts of love” to strengthen “the great human family.” But we are so pissed at each other we barely heard him, and we seemed to forget what he said two seconds after he said it.

Used by Permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

We’re pissed at Congress (the House of Reps are pissed at the Senate and vice versa), we’re pissed at the President, we’re pissed at our bosses, our spouses, our children, our classmates, our churches, our neighbors, pissed at people who don’t look and talk like us, pissed at people who don’t respond to our overtures or advances, and pissed to the point of murder when we can’t get what we want, when we want it, and how we want it.

I have had my own struggles with being angry in the past (pissed at childhood abusers, duplicitous friends, horrid preachers, racist teachers, and the goddamn Tea Party), but I found a vehicle to channel my anger via my career as a writer. (Check out my books Monsters’ Throwdown where I kicked the asses of my childhood abusers and Fleeing Oz where I took revenge on the duplicitous clergy who taught me erroneous crap about God, abused my trust, and misappropriated my tithes.)

In fact I’m feeling pretty Zen at this point in my old age, and my anger issues are limited to minor inconveniences. Right now I am “slightly irritated” and horrified at how the Muppets have reinvented themselves from adorable puppet creatures who used to appeal to kids and adults alike into some horrid adult entertainment on ABC. Miss Piggy is getting bikini waxes and cracking jokes about her pubic hair, Fozzie Bear is into fetishes and Grindr—I had to look that one up. Kermit is dating a younger pig, and Zoot is an alcoholic! Oh for God’s sake!! Can’t Hollywood leave well enough alone? Why do they always mess with a good thing?

Used by Permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

But compared to whence I’ve come, life is pretty good. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. I’m retired; I’ve moved into my dream house with my dream man, and the kids are on their own and not living in our basement (praise God, and hallelujah!). But when I think too much about the little things that get on my nerves on a daily basis (if I’m really being honest), I do start to get miffed. The more I ponder them, the more agitated I become. For instance, if I owned a gun, my two computers would be blown to bits right now, and I would have assassinated my WiFi router two weeks after I moved into my new house because it keeps knocking me off the Internet every five minutes. Nothing works as it should with my wireless network, and even though I’ve given various computer geeks hundreds of dollars, it never seems to help—they say it’s not them, and even though they fail to fix my problem time and time again, I still have to pay them. Why? Because there are no guarantees in the computer-fixit business. (Ugh!)

The upstairs air conditioner gave out with a house full of company on the hottest days in my new house recently, and it needed freon, a new coil, and a thingamabob, which was fine at first because I have a home warranty . . . except come to find out it only covers 1/10^th of the things that can go wrong with a house that is a money pit: if your door bell stops functioning (for example), tough titty! (Then there are the repairmen who say they are going to show up for weeks at a time, but are no-shows, because this is a little town in the South—yep, it is a good thing I don’t own a gun.)

And don’t get me started on the moles and the voles who have invaded my property—last count, 42 moles and 500 voles. I went to bed one night with green grass and woke up the next morning with a completely dead lawn—as in totally brown with plants that looked as if something had sucked the life out of them and turned them into zombie plants. Over the past two weeks, I’ve spent hundreds of dollars trying to eradicate my arch nemeses without killing my neighbor’s cat, the various cute little bunnies romping across my dead lawn, or the myriad birds eating the earthworms that the moles consider their caviar. There are raised mounds of turf the size of armadillos all across my lawn, and there are so many mole/vole holes in my yard that it looks like Swiss cheese. My neighbors, who all have the same problem, are laughing at the new kid on the block wasting money on products that they know won’t do a damn thing to fix it. I wish I had access to a gun. I would shoot a million more holes into my lawn trying to eliminate these banes of my bucolic existence because, come to think of it, I am just that pissed! And knowing me, I probably would shoot my foot off in the process.

But wait a minute, who am I kidding, I have more anger issues than this. I’m always pissed at the Tea Party! God, I can’t stand those people! They are everything that is wrong with our country, and they make no sense, whatsoever. I have ex-friends who used to be sane and lovable who have now become insane and unlovable because they became Tea Party crazies. Their misplaced anger makes me angry, and even though they all have guns (they love their guns), the only reason I haven’t waged more of a war of words with these Neanderthals is because I don’t own a gun, and I don’t want to go to Hell for accidentally losing control of my temper in an argument with them, grabbing one of their guns, and shutting down their stupid arguments by blasting a couple of buck shots into their asses.

Used by Permission: Parker, Florida Today/Cagle Cartoons

See what I mean? (I just took my blood pressure after writing that paragraph and it is 160 over 110!) Good googily-moo! Suddenly I realized that I have more anger in me than I’m willing to admit. If I’m really being honest, if I had had access to a gun in my younger days, there is no telling when I would have used it during my lifetime. Probably against the man who molested me at six years old, most likely against my uncle who tried to “mess” with me when I was twelve years old, most assuredly against my longtime boyfriend who I accidentally discovered was married, and I definitely would have shot to kill the myriad number of foster parents who worked me like a slave and beat me for sport. I would not have been mentally ill during any of those murders—I would have been mad as hell and seeking revenge! And God have mercy on my soul, but if I had had access to a gun when one of my teenagers was acting the fool—sneaking in and out of the house at night—I might have used it out of fear when I heard the bump in the night downstairs from her sneaking back into the house. Instead of her getting just an ear full from me, I would have been attending her funeral, and then I would have killed myself due to remorse and heartbreak.

IMHO my dear readers, this is the issue at hand in most American lives—the disease of our hearts and minds that having a gun won’t eradicate, it will only exacerbate! Too many of us feel we can gain respect, right a wrong, avenge a hurt, end our agonizing misery, correct an abuse, steal other people’s shit, protect our own, and establish power and street cred with a gun. We can work our butts off to change the gun laws in our country and pour money into mental health care (as we should), but until we examine the state of our own hearts and attempt to mitigate those emotions that so readily cause us to “rage against the machine,” we are all just one easy-access-to-a-gun away from committing murder. If the bad things in life push any one of us long enough and hard enough—if we become fearful and frightened enough, and a gun is easily accessible, there’s no telling what we might do to ourselves or others. All of us are a little bit mentally ill in that way.

Cartoon Used by Permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle Cartoons

*****

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” ON ANGER (HER “AHA” MOMENT)

I am discovering that there are two types of anger: righteous and unrighteous. I am not angry enough about the right things—righteous anger—and neither are the majority of my fellow Americans. We all need to get angry about the carnage that guns have caused in our communities, but instead of purchasing more guns to try and counterbalance the situation—as the NRA would have us believe we should—we need to come together in such a unified voice that our unified screams will implode the gun lobbies and the NRA. Nothing is changing because our chicken-shit Congress (as well as Democratic senators from red states) are afraid of the gun lobbyists and the NRA because they fund our lawmakers’ campaigns. But what if our collective anger (gun owners and non-gun owners alike) pushed Congress to deal with mental health funding, pass common sense gun laws, and modify the Second Amendment to become more relevant to this century all at the same time? What if the 84 percent of gun owners who say they want commonsense gun laws forced Congress out of their quivering cowardice by refusing to buy another gun and refusing to hunt with a gun (take up the bow and arrow if you want to hunt)? How about if the gun owners refused to go to gun ranges to practice, refused to vote for anyone who was against changing our gun laws, and refused to buy any more bullets for the guns we own until the laws get changed on those three fronts? Don’t you think that would get the gun manufacturers’ attention? If we had the slightest understanding of what Pope Francis charged America with—the “spirit of cooperation” and “quiet acts of love” to strengthen “the great human family”—gun owners would gladly lay down their “rights” in love for our nation so that their fellow Americans would have the right to live their innocent lives uninterrupted by gun violence. (This may sound simplistic, but at least it is better than doing nothing, and better than offering some anemic prayers after the irreparable damage has been done.)

No matter how you slice it, the onus is on gun owners. Until they have that Eureka moment of the soul, I’m afraid the slaughter will keep on happening. I’ll keep on praying along with a lot of other good people across the country, but I don’t think our prayers will do much good. We’ve long passed that action as a viable solution to America’s murderous gun sickness. I wonder where the next mass shooting will take place or where the next inner-city murder of a child will occur. I hope it isn’t anywhere near your loved ones or mine.

Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

***

Gun violence is not a humorous matter, and I meant no disrespect to those who have lost their lives by gun violence. It’s just that if I don’t find some humor in this madness to point us toward the unmitigated truth in my writing, then I will become mentally ill and shoot somebody.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the survivors and the family and friends of the slaughtered—not only in Roseburg—but across our great nation where:

153,000 people have died from gunshots since 9/11 but Congress refuses to spend money or change laws to thwart this*

Only 3,000 people have died from terrorist attacks, but we spend millions of dollars a year to keep us safe from these*

Did you know that there were approximately 310 million guns owned by Americans in 2009, but the number of people in the United States were only 307 million during the same time period?** Ergo, there are more guns than people in the US. Sane gun owners (specifically), are you pissed off enough to do something about it besides purchasing more guns?

Cartoon Used by Permission: Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant/Cagle Cartoons

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”—Aristotle

“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”—Bede Jarrett

“The whole gun debate needs to be infused with a discussion about manhood. It’s frustrating to hear debates about gun rights vs. gun control, and yet very few people say what’s hidden in plain sight: It’s really a contest of meanings about manhood.”—Jackson Katz

“If we don’t get gun-control laws in this country, we are full of beans. To have the National Rifle Association rule the United States is pathetic. And I agree with Mayor Michael Bloomberg: It’s time to put up or shut up about gun control for both parties.”—Harvey Weinstein

“For those of us who cry out for gun control, our fears cannot be eliminated as long as the country remains an armed camp in which the most troubled among us can find ways to appropriate one of the easily available weapons in all our communities.”—Robert Dallek

(All inspirational quotes from www.brainyquotes.com)

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO PURCHASE ANY OF THE AUTHOR’S BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)? THEY ARE ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

REFERENCES

*Meet the Press Statistic

**http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2015/10/2/9439909/the-ridiculous-number-of-guns-owned-by-americans-in-one-chart

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/02/4chan_and_the_oregon_shooter_what_the_suspicious_thread_says_about_a_horrifying_subculture_of_young_male_rage/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithforward/2015/10/after-oregon-prayers-for-________-just-rings-hollow/?utm_source=SilverpopMailing&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Pan%20Patheos%20100315%20(1)&utm_content=&spMailingID=49688980&spUserID=MTIzNjQ2MzAzOTI4S0&spJobID=780297722&spReportId=NzgwMjk3NzIyS0

http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/06/opinions/zelizer-gun-control/index.html

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/02/an_oregon_teachers_letter_to_lawmakers_we_dont_need_your_prayers_we_need_your_courage/

http://www.salon.com/2015/06/18/its_not_about_mental_illness_the_big_lie_that_always_follows_mass_shootings_by_white_males/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/10/02/infographic-mass-shootings-are-not-the-problem.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

4 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on October 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Gun Control, Gun Lobby, guns, NRA, Roseburg, tea party

WELCOME, POPE FRANCIS

22 Sep

Do you know what I discovered today? Pope Francis is in the house, and heads are about to explode! He is due to address Congress tomorrow, and apparently he has slipped in the polls (he dropped from being “liked” by Americans from 76% in 2014 to 59% because he has pissed off people on both the Right and the Left—but mainly on the right). We are such fickle-ass people.

Well, I really “heart” this pope, and I’m not quite sure why. I’m not Catholic, but there is something magnetic about him. Maybe it is because I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, and we’re both just trying to do our God proud by the way we walk the talk—to the best of our ability, which is fallible at best, no matter what people tell you about the Pope’s infallibility.

Apparently, Pope Francis has stepped on the toes of quite a few people in America. Conservatives are passing kidney stones because they feel the Pope has meddled in climate change, income inequality, and immigration issues—areas they think he clearly does not belong (“keep your hands off our Ayn Rand idolatry, leave climate issues to the scientists [except when we don’t agree with the scientists], and shut up about those damn illegal aliens—those bottom feeders who don’t talk ‘American’ and who are stealing our jobs!”). Apparently, he does belong in our sex lives, and the Conservatives would be more than happy for the Pope to walk softly and carry a big stick while he is in America against the topics of homosexuality, abortion, gay marriage, and women’s leadership in the church.

Liberals appreciate the grace and compassion he is showing toward gays and lesbians, people who have had abortions, and the economically disadvantaged, but the smart ones know that he has not (and never will) change church doctrine one iota where it comes to women in the priesthood, sanctioning gay marriage, and supporting abortion—even for women who have been raped or when the mother’s life hangs in the balance).

There is even a growing contingency in the nutty tongues-speaking wing of the Church who think Pope Francis is the Anti-Christ and will be ushering in the “New World Order” on September 25^th (let’s all watch for it—not!) Of course, these same people thought President Obama was the Anti-Christ, so it seems the Bible literalists will have to draw straws and see who wins the Anti-Christ crown. (If you Google “Pope Francis Anti-Christ,” you’ll get 425,000 links in under 40 seconds. If you Google “New World Order,” you will discover that Wikipedia describes it as “a conspiracy theory by Christians referring to the emergence of a totalitarian one world government.” If you Google “Obama Anti-Christ, Muslim, foreigner,” your computer will explode along with your head from all the vile hatred and lies against our poor President.)

Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune

I wish I could gain an audience with His Holiness. If I could I would drag along a few people for a private audience with the Pope to help clear up some things. I know the White House staff has chosen a diverse audience to hear Pope Francis which has pissed off mainly the Conservatives, but I’d drag a rather eclectic group of people into the Pope’s presence (both conservative and liberal) who aren’t on that invite list just so that he could see how truly gnarly we are as a country and how much we really need his prayers.

Cartoon Used by Permission: Taylor Jones, http://www.politicalcartoons.com (Cagle)

The first candidate would be Donald Trump, and I’d have him restate his bogus claim that he is a true believer (done to capture the unthinking Evangelical vote), and if he’s ever asked forgiveness as a “true believer” (a foundational Christian tenet).

“I am not sure I have [asked for forgiveness—insert mine]. I just go on and try to do a better job from there. . . . I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.”—The Donald, a.k.a. “A God Unto Himself”

I already know what His Holiness would say to Mr. Trump:

Then His Holiness would probably tell The Donald to give away all his money to the poor as Jesus required of the rich man in the Bible and set up affordable housing for all those who can’t afford to live in NYC even though they work there (he could do this and still have money left over), and truly follow in Christ’s ways. Can’t you hear the agonizing screams from Trump all the way from here to Calcutta in response to His Holiness’ directive?

My next candidate would be all the people who deal in racism in our country (too many to name here, but Breitbart.com, Fox News, Drudge Report, Rush Limbaugh, you know who you are). I’d roll them all up into one giant stinky, sewage-smelling ball and have them present themselves to the Pope as the sheer evil they are while their rhetoric calls forth the demon Bigotry to reassert its stronghold in our country again.

Cartoon Used by Permission: Bill Day, www.caglecartoons.com

I don’t think Pope Francis would let them utter a word in their defense because he’s seen it all before in other parts of the globe. He’d simply nod his head with considerable sadness and say:

Then he would probably tell the lot of them to “go and sin no more,” and perhaps command them to take a vow of silence for a year or so. And maybe he’d make them do penance as helpers in soup kitchens, homeless shelters, inner-city community centers, and prisons all over the country until their hearts were broken for the down-trodden and the disadvantaged and they’d forgotten all their racist rhetoric.

I’d also bring along that great atheist liberal, Bill Maher, who I have a love-hate relationship with. In the interest of full disclosure, I watch his show every week—he makes me think and he is right about a lot of things, but sometimes he makes me throw up in my mouth over some of his comments about God. (When he’s good, he’s very, very good, but when he’s on his anti-Christian rag, he’s a royal pain in the ass, and he is so smug and arrogant about it.) I’d encourage him to make his atheist case that he thinks is the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because the truth is, the Pope can handle it and so can God. And the truth is (unfortunately), some of his observations are accurate, and the church needs to hear them, repent of them, and move on from them.

Papa Francis would probably listen to Bill, smile, and tell him that he is loved—speaking to him as one does to a precocious teenager who thinks they know it all, but you know that they just need to grow up and open their eyes to see things from a different angle while being enveloped in your unconditional love as they keep on exploring, doubting, and asking questions without feeling condemned. Besides, if I know anything about this Pope, he can handle the truth.

Then Pope Francis would probably ask Bill Maher to try and give up the F-word for Lent. It would probably cut Bill’s HBO program down by 15 minutes—enough to add another guest on the panel of his irreverent, but intellectually stimulating show.

As for my personal audience with the Pope, I’m sure I’d whine about my own disillusionment with the church and its involvement with right-wing politics until I got on his ever-loving nerves. I’d give him a copy of my book (Fleeing Oz), and tell him how it is a humorous template for “how not to do church” and something he should read. He would probably gently cut me off (not out of rudeness but to save my own sanity and his, and to stop my self-serving book pitch). He’d remind me of the true vision of what church should be and charge me to be a good Christian by going back into the fray and doing my part to make Christ’s vision of the church happen in my little corner of the world.

***

THE BLOGGER’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT POPE FRANCIS

I am discovering that there are some things I agree with the Pope on (income inequality, immigration, climate change, and poverty issues) and many things I do not (his opposition to same-sex marriage, women priests, married priests, divorce, birth control and abortion in extenuating circumstances). But I think the reason I’m drawn to him is because of his love for humanity, his humility, his compassion, and his acts of forgiveness. And I love his kindness. I like that he is trying to emulate the life of Christ, and even though we don’t agree on some things, at least we can met on the human ground of love, humility, compassion, and forgiveness. Just think how much better the world would be if we all could start there. Maybe he will help us. Welcome to America, Pope Francis!

Cartoon by Stuart Carlson: www.carlsontoons.com

***

POPE FRANCIS QUOTES

“If one has the answers to all the questions – that is the proof that God is not with him. It means that he is a false prophet using religion for himself. The great leaders of the people of God, like Moses, have always left room for doubt. You must leave room for the Lord, not for our certainties; we must be humble.”—Pope Francis

“A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: ‘Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?’ We must always consider the person.”—Pope Francis

“We have observed that, in society and the world in which we live, selfishness has increased more than love for others, and that men of good will must work, each with his own strengths and expertise, to ensure that love for others increases until it is equal and possibly exceeds love for oneself.”—Pope Francis

“This is me, a sinner on whom the Lord has turned his gaze. And this is what I said when they asked me if I would accept my election as pontiff. I am a sinner, but I trust in the infinite mercy and patience of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I accept in a spirit of penance.”—Pope Francis

“I have a dogmatic certainty: God is in every person’s life. God is in everyone’s life. Even if the life of a person has been a disaster, even if it is destroyed by vices, drugs or anything else – God is in this person’s life. You can – you must – try to seek God in every human life.”—Pope Francis

ALL QUOTES ARE FROM www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (“Monsters’ Throwdown” and “Fleeing Oz”)? ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, http://www.caglecartoons.com

REFERENCES

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2015/09/pope_francis_in_the_united_states_why_he_isn_t_the_liberal_rock_star_american.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-raushenbush/pope-francis-united-states-matthew-25_b_8163052.html

http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/21/opinions/costello-pope-francis-popularity/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/its-up-to-voters-to-reject-trump-and-carsons-bigotry/2015/09/21/09bce8f0-60a5-11e5-9757-e49273f05f65_story.html?tid=pm_opinions_pop_b

http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/22/politics/pope-francis-america-congress-visit/index.html

7 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on September 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Bill Maher, Donald Trump, HUMOR, Pope Francis, storytelling

Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

14 Sep

Do you know what I discovered this week? I owe a few people in the news some personal thank you notes in response to some of the things they have said and done recently. They claim to be Born-Again Christians, and as a Born-Again believer, I have been greatly offended and embarrassed by them (mortified would be a better word). But this week I had an “Aha” moment after the debut of Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk! I realized that nobody could be that stupid—that her shtick must be a ruse. And the people who championed her—Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (and let us not forget dear, precious Donald Trump)—must be agents for the Democratic Party who have been planted to bring down the Republican Party as we know it, tie up the 2016 Presidential election in a bow and deliver it to the Democrats, and destroy the bigoted, narrow-minded arm of the Christian Church in such a way that people will stop going to those kinds of churches for a hundred years or more. Oh my God, it is so obvious—why didn’t I see that before? Carry on, “Christian Soldiers”—you’re doing a kick-ass job!

Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune, Cagle Cartoons

***

KIM DAVIS (Kentucky County Clerk)

Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Dear Kim:

Thank you so much for the amazing way you’ve drawn attention to the great hypocrisy within certain sections of Christianity. The hardcore fear and ignorance that you are standing your ground on, as you pretend to be obeying the “voice of God,” is a stroke of genius. Sister-friend, you are my hero! Most Americans have no idea that you are a plant to destroy the credibility of those ignorant, racist, homophobic, holier-than-thou citizens who claim to be “true Americans” as Sarah Palin calls them. (Speaking of SP, I’ve often thought she was a double agent for the Democratic Party by the way she almost single-handedly ushered in the nomination for Barack Obama in 2008 with her birther nonsense, because nobody could actually be that stupid. But as a secret agent I’m sure you won’t be able to confirm or deny Palin’s espionage status. That’s cool.)

Anyway, my Christian Sister, you have got this holier-than-thou thing down pat. The long dresses, the hair hanging down to your butt, the sanctimonious face, the dowdy look, the feigned ignorance, the vitriolic speech, and not to mention the church attendance three times a week. Wow, impressive! You go, girl! But I do have to ask how you justify the three divorces and four marriages in your life? (You can tell me; I won’t reveal your secret.) Were you already divorced three times before you became an agent? ‘Cause that does cause a problem as far as your brand of Biblical credibility is concerned, and it definitely causes people to throw up in their mouths over the hypocrisy of it all. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’m not judging you at all. All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, so the Bible says. But it kind of skewers your credibility as a guardian of traditional Christian marriage against the sin of homosexuals getting married, doesn’t it? But maybe that is the point. People will see through your hypocrisy and flee the Christian Church. We’re hanging by a thread as it is. Hopefully, they will stay away until all the haters and hypocrites are swept out of the Church like Jesus did the money changers in the temple in Jerusalem. Boy, you’re good, Kim!

And between you and me, how did you deal with the disparity of not obeying the other Biblical laws that are found in and around the same Old Testament passages about God “hating homosexuals.” For instance, I read that you’ve had four kids which are all in their twenties now—including a set of twins born out of wedlock. (Once again, I don’t judge you, girlfriend—shit happens. I get it.) Surely, at least one of those kids must have rebelled against you as a parent. (I raised teenagers, and girl—they are a trip! If I had known you could stone them for being mouthy and rebellious, I might be in jail today.) Are all of yours still alive or did you kill some of them as the Old Testament demands? You know that scripture in Deuteronomy that says: “If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.” Oh, my God! And, Honey, why are you still alive given the scripture in Leviticus 20 that is just three verses above the one about gays that you’re quoting as your right not to do your job, which says: “And the man that commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he that commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Holy Moly, how did you and at least one of your husbands not get stoned for the sin of adultery as staunch Bible literalists? You are so courageous, sister-friend.

Cartoon Used by Permission: Taylor Jones Political cartoons, Cagle Cartoons

I can see why Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz likened you to Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks. The dichotomy is so obvious—enough to make people flee in disgust, actually. Those two have got to be double agents, as well, to suggest something so stupid. Mike and Ted can’t possibly think that the majority of Americans are that clueless to equate your refusal as a government employee to facilitate the constitutional rights of some are the same as two of our greatest heroes’ actions that fought to promote and establish constitutional rights for all American citizens. I’ve got to send Mike and Ted thank you notes. Well played, Kim—making us think that you’re suffering for Christ. The more you press home that erroneous lie, the more people will see through the smoke screen. (I loved the way you came out of the jail the other day—arms raised to the heavens while the Rocky theme song blared in the background. Nice touch—appearing to play the martyr—by simply refusing to do your $80,000/year government job passed down to you by your mother. It made my stomach turn, and as a Christian, I was mortified because there are Christians actually suffering imprisonment, torture, and death in North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, and Pakistan, just to name a few of the twenty or more countries. But I’m sure that is what you wanted Americans to feel so that we would get as far away from these shenanigans cooked up by the religious right as soon as possible. Well played, my friend—well played!

Cartoon Used by Permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoon

So keep on keepin’ on Saint Kim. (I hear that you’ve returned to work—refusing to do your job but refusing to step aside as well. That a girl!) Maybe our eyes will be opened to the lies that your espionage is trying to expose. Tell Huckabee and Cruz that their strategy is working to give the 2016 Presidential election to the Democrats. No one in their right mind will show up in the voting booth for any Republican candidates in 2016 if they keep on acting like the majority of us are stupid, which is really a shame, because not all Christians are hypocrites and not all Republicans are idiots.

P.S. Is The Donald the “head double agent” for single-handedly destroying the Republican Party and all of its candidates? Next time you see him, tell him he is doing a great job and is probably the sole reason Hillary will be sitting pretty in the White House next year. He is a true American hero—the White Supremacists, the Neo-Nazis, and the Conservative Evangelicals love him to death.

Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” OPRAH MOMENT) ABOUT KIM DAVIS, MIKE HUCKABEE, AND TED CRUZ

I am discovering that the three Musketeers of Christian bigotry and hatred (Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz) must think most of us have stupid written on our foreheads—especially if we are Born-Again Christians. (Well, Baby, my Mama didn’t raise no fool!) I’m here to declare that I am a proud Born-Again believer who loves Jesus to pieces and tries her best to do right by her God, and I abhor what Kim Davis has done and is doing. I think Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are using that poor schmuck of a woman to instill fear and get money from the unthinking masses. IMHO, they will toss Kim Davis out of their orbit like yesterday’s garbage when she no longer suits their fear-mongering purposes. I sure hope she socked away a lot of savings from her overpaid government job in Kentucky that is denying the rights of people who pay her salary because she is going to need it when she loses her job—as she should. Oy!

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”—P. J. O’Rourke

“Along with racial equality and the late bloom of women’s rights, future generations will have to explain how, in the past, gays were misunderstood and publicly humiliated for loving each other, and, eventually, how they stood together and conquered stupidity and hypocritical hatred, and fought their way out of marginalization.”—iO Tillett Wright

ALL INSPRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)*? ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Do you wonder why the author knows so much about what is happening behind the scenes in the Religious Right Movement and the political realm? That’s because she used to be one of them. She has lived it, survived it, and recorded it all in her latest book: Fleeing Oz—on sale now at Amazon. It’s a funny, yet harrowing, testimony of escaping “The Church” with her faith intact. Check it out!

REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/the-case-against-kim-davis-is-not-predicated-on-her-hypocrisy/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/14/back_at_square_one_defiant_kim_davis_returned_to_work_monday_and_declared_that_she_will_continue_not_to_do_her_job/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/pat-robertson-kim-davis-in-the-right-gays-wont-rest-until-christians-are-in-jail/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/the_vengeful_god_of_kim_davis_the_powerful_forces_we_ignore_when_we_fixate_on_one_kentucky_clerk/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/mika_brzezinski_tears_into_hypocritical_mike_huckabee_for_refusing_to_answer_a_simple_question_about_marriage_in_the_bible/

10 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Donald Trump, HUMOR, Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, Religious Right, satire, Ted Cruz

AMUSING OURSELVES TO DEATH

15 Aug

Do you know what I discovered this week about living in America? Some of us have lost our ever-lovin’ minds. (I’m not saying who, but you know who you are.) Can we talk—shoot the breeze—jibber jabber—chew the fat? Who are these people who caused Donald Trump’s poll numbers to increase after he made such an ass of himself at the Republican debate and with his “bimbo” attacks against the moderator, Megyn Kelly? (Was it you? Say it isn’t so!) Who are those people who think Trump is presidential material after they knew he called women “fat pigs,” “dogs,” “slobs,” and “disgusting animals” just because a woman challenged or contradicted him at some point? (If it wasn’t you, then was it some of your relatives?) Have you identified the people who sent so many death threats to the moderator Megyn Kelly following the debate that she took an unplanned, unscheduled, suddenly announced two-week vacation to parts unknown? (Girl, tell me you weren’t one of the trolls that attacked poor Megyn after the debate. I’m not a fan of hers but she’s a human being, for Christ’s sake!)

My sisters and brothers, what is going on? Why is this joker who just got fired from his own TV show by NBC soaring in the polls as the top Republican candidate? Who is doing this? Is it our neighbors? I checked with mine and they swore they would never, ever do such a stupid thing as back a clown.

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle Cartoons

I’m totally flummoxed! I mean, I know I’m sane, and I think you’re sane—so why do there seem to be such a huge group of “insane” people suddenly pushing for the election of insanity? There is a part of me that says, “Calm down, Eleanor, the American people will do the right thing in the end. They won’t let this poser get anywhere near the Oval Office.” But when I review the tape of the Republican debate and hear the thunderous applause for Trump when he reiterated his misogynistic remarks about Rosie O’Donnell—and women in general—with smug glee, I am undone. The more I studied the tape looking for answers in the faces of the audience members (wondering if they were all nuts), the more puzzled I became. Until it dawned on me. The Republican debate was entertainment—not something to inform the viewer about each candidate’s policy positions because it got upstaged by The Donald. Fox News was the producer of a reality show, and Trump won the debate and the ratings with his blustery arrogance and loud-mouth buffoonery.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Not being one to come to wild-eyed conclusions without searching for conclusive evidence, I began to scour the Internet to see what the average voter was saying about why they were rabid about The Donald for President in 2016. (I also wanted to see if any of these voters were peeps that I knew.) They blew my mind! From Michigan to New Hampshire to Iowa, loyalists proudly sported Donald Trump t-shirts and declared their undying love for the clown of the century.

Below is a compilation of quotes given to reporters over the course of several weeks. (The statements by the voters are exact transcriptions except when they respond to the “third wall”—a.k.a. “into the camera” or directly to my insults. In bold italics are my responses that I shouted in horrified shock at the TV while throwing popcorn at my TV screen.

Reporter in NH: Why do you support Donald Trump for president?

NH Voter: Because he’s going to make America great again!

MOI: How? How? How? Trump hasn’t said one specific policy statement yet. He side-steps direct policy questions and changes the subject—starts talking about how rich he is or how stupid his opponents are. A squirrel could see through his smoke and mirrors.

NH Voter: Did you just say something?

Reporter: You heard that too? Nooooo, I was waiting for your answer.

MOI: Just give me two ways that Neanderthal is going to “Make America great again”?

NH Voter: Wow, I love the way you throw your voice. Are you a ventriloquist in your off hours? Anyway, Trump is going to “bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before!” And like he says, he’s “going to be the greatest president that God ever created.” Not to mention, and I quote: “nobody will be tougher on ISIS.”

MOI: Auuuugh! Generalizations—all generalizations—all hot air! Can’t you see he’s making shit up, and you’re believing him? Ask him to give you specifics!

NH Voter: [Looking into the camera.] HEY, where did that popcorn come from? Is this a gift from The Donald—popcorn from heaven? [Proceeds to chew with great enthusiasm on the kernels of popcorn that pop through the camera into her mouth.] This would be something he would do. He’s so generous! All I have to say is “Trump’s the man; if he can’t save us, no one can.”

Cartoon used by permission: Christo Komarnitski, Bulgaria

MEANWHILE IN IOWA . . .

Reporter in IA: Why do you support Trump for President?

Voter in IA: Easy question. Because he’s most like me—like me and all my friends.

MOI: Most like you? Do you have gazillions of dollars, airplanes, and helicopters, a hot super-model wife, and your name atop scads of buildings? I don’t mean to be rude chick, but you look like you’re one welfare check away from being homeless.

Voter in IA: You better watch it, reporter-dude, or I’ll shove this corn-dog on a stick up your ass!

Reporter in IA: What? What did I do?

MOI: Look at the camera. It’s me, Bitch—an incredulous viewer—not the reporter! Look at me and answer the question. Why are you so sure that The Donald can handle the job of being president?

Voter in IA: [Looks straight into the camera.] Humph, you don’t have to get obnoxious. I will tell you why I know The Donald can “Make America Great Again”—just like he says. Did you see what a fabulous job he did on The Apprentice? If he can do that, he can run this great country of ours because he’ll know who to put in charge. Notice how he takes command on The Apprentice? If Mexico doesn’t stop sending illegals, rapists, and murderers across the border, he’ll just hire people to build a wall a thousand feet high and “fire” Mexico—(“no more trade with you, Mexico!”) until they behave. Or if the A-rabs won’t do what we tell them to, Trump will just bomb the ______ (beep) out of them. He’ll fire all those ayatollahs, ‘cause Trump’s the man, and he can!

Meme by inscribd.com

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks—just as I was going to throw the entire bowl of popcorn at the TV: the average American thinks we live in a reality show! They can’t tell the difference between the entertainment segments on TV, the Internet, or magazines, from the real world. Talk radio, YouTube videos, 19 Kids and Counting, the Kardashians, TV mega-church preachers, gossip rags, and Caitlyn Jenner’s new reality show (BTW, I don’t care what anyone does to their own body, but don’t try and sell what you’ve done as heroic to me, when it comes attached to a “marriage” certificate to a reality TV script and a high six-figure salary). Of course The Donald can be an all-controlling president of a country who kicks ass and takes no prisoners because he plays one on TV, just like Bruce Jenner can be a woman because he plays one on a reality show. Duh! Why didn’t I think of that?

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT FROM THIS WEEK

I am discovering that as it pertains to the 2016 presidential election, we all need to be afraid—very afraid because it looks like a good percentage of our fellow Americans have permanently crossed over into fantasy land. Even Glenn Beck, that bastion of conservative craziness is perplexed and called Trump “the opposite of every great leader”—“the biggest flaming [ass] you could possibly imagine.” A zombie apocalypse is happening among us. In researching my theory, I came across a book written in 1985 that I had never heard of: Neil Postman’s, Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business. It is prophetic. I’m going to order a copy right now because I need as much ammunition I can get when I climb one of the Trump Towers and scream at the top of my lungs: WAKE UP AMERICA! WE’RE DYING FROM 24/7 AMUSEMENT, AND OUR BRAINS ARE BEING SUCKED OUT BY UNREALISTIC SCENERIOS BEING PORTRAYED AS REALITY. OPEN YOUR EYES TO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON! P.S. TO THE VOTER WHO SAID “TRUMP WILL MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE DID SUCH A GREAT JOB ON THE APPRENTICE . . .” OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD—GET A GRIP!

Cartoon used by permission: Manny Francisco, Manila, The Philippines/Cagle Cartoon

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“The media has changed. We now give broadcast licenses to philosophies instead of people. People get confused and think there is no difference between news and entertainment. People who project themselves as journalists on television don’t know the first thing about journalism. They are just there stirring up a hockey game.”—Gary Ackerman

“We aren’t in an information age, we are in an entertainment age.”—Tony Robbins

“…On television, religion, like everything else, is presented, quite simply and without apology, as an entertainment. Everything that makes religion an historic, profound, sacred human activity is stripped away; there is no ritual, no dogma, no tradition, no theology, and above all, no sense of spiritual transcendence.” ― Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business

ALL QUOTES FROM http://www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)? ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

10 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on August 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Donald Trump, HUMOR, Iowa Caucas, politics, Reality TV, Republicans, satire, storytelling, The Donald

GOD SAID WHAT?

05 Aug

Do you know what I discovered about God and Donald Trump this week? They are supposedly like this (imagine image of two fingers intertwined). And apparently, God has signed onto The Donald’s campaign and has personally endorsed him as the 2016 primo GOP presidential nominee. According to Charisma Magazine (the Christian gossip People Magazine) God has been talking directly to one of his very closest peeps who hails from Lakeland, Florida (one Prophet Jeremiah Johnson—the 27-year-old White one from Lakeland, Florida, not the forty-something Black one from Dallas, Texas) about Donald, the blowhard. God told Prophet Jeremiah that Donald Trump was sent to be his “trumpet to the American people for he [The Donald] possesses qualities that are even hard to find in my people these days [Born-Again Christians, he’s talking about us—oh, snap!].” My loyal readers—this prophet story is true, all true—you can’t make this shit up!

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

At first I thought it was a spoof—a page right out of the Onion, but the link to the prophecy in Charisma was posted on the dude’s website. Here’s Prophet Jeremiah’s word “direct from God” in its entirety:

“I was in a time of prayer several weeks ago when God began to speak to me concerning the destiny of Donald Trump in America. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, ‘Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses qualities that are even hard to find in My people these days. Trump does not fear man nor will he allow deception and lies to go unnoticed. I am going to use him to expose darkness and perversion in America like never before, but you must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet. Many will want to throw him away because he will disturb their sense of peace and tranquility, but you must listen through the bantering to discover the truth that I will speak through him. I will use the wealth that I have given him to expose and launch investigations searching for the truth. Just as I raised up Cyrus to fulfill My purposes and plans, so have I raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election. You must listen to the trumpet very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy. Though many see the outward pride and arrogance, I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy, to the foreigner and the stranger.’“

HELLO! Either God’s done lost his ever lovin’ mind, or the right-wing Christian movement has set out to humiliate itself—yet again. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am a recovering right-wing Christian, once read Charisma Magazine like it was my life’s blood, and after too much communion wine even “prophesied” that Justice Clarence Thomas was a righteous, caring, teddy-bear, sweetheart of a man sent to the Supreme Court by God “for such a troubled time as this,” who was being “tormented and lied about by that hussy Anita Hill.” Oy vez mir! (I plan to be in therapy till Jesus comes back over my stint as “that kind of Christian,” and I wrote my latest book, Fleeing Oz, to document my humorous escape from such babbling insanity.)

I was so agitated and embarrassed after reading that prophecy that when I went to sleep that night I had fitful, vivid dreams of trying to get in touch with God—demanding that He show himself and put a stop to people using His name in vain to promote their crazy-ass political agendas. I mean, after all, the Dude has got a major rep to maintain, and we—His peeps—are not protecting His brand very well.

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

In my dream, I entered (more or less floated into) a waiting room with no walls, no ceiling, and no floors. The only way I could tell it was a waiting room was that the space contained an ample-bosomed, slightly chunky, black-bottomed secretary seated behind a suspended desk that featured a plaque that read: Dalai Mama, Sr. EA. to God Almighty. I couldn’t shake the sense that I knew her. In fact, she looked like my twin—just a bit more bedazzled with a lot more attitude and sporting a flowing multi-colored kaftan. The bespectacled secretary never acknowledged my presence but kept right on reading some type of report that said “Earthly News.” I stood in front of her desk for what seemed like eons, but she never looked up from her reading—even though I knew she knew I was there. Finally she spoke without moving her eyes from the report.

DM: Lawd have mercy, humans are a mess. Y’all never cease to amaze me. You better be glad I’m not the Almighty, or I’d wipe you all out and start all over again.

MOI: Well, it is a pleasure to meet you to. Sheesh! I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I need to speak with God. I’ve traveled a long way at quite some risk to my well-being to get an audience with His Majesty.

DM: You don’t say. You got an appointment? Cause y’all ain’t gettin’ in here to see the Lawd without makin’ an appointment. He brought me on to be the gatekeeper to protect him from folks like you who feel you can just barge in any-ol-time you feel like it. What’s yo’ problem, anyhow? You look kinda bougie to me. Yo’ spa appointment got canceled? Yo’ books ain’t hit the New York Times bestseller list yet?

MOI: Oh good grief! When did snark become a part of Heaven? I’m here on behalf of God’s reputation. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to it, so somebody has to. One of his peeps has hijacked it again, and given the times that we live in, God needs to do something about it. Has He read this so-called prophecy by Jeremiah Johnson that His Majesty is backing Donald Trump for the 2016 presidential race? Not only is this ersatz prophet putting words in God’s mouth, but he’s making Christians out to be laughing stocks—yet again—because they are believing him!

DM: Read it? What you talkin’ ‘bout, Girl? God knew ‘bout it before the words ever popped out of that poser’s mouth. You actin’ like this the first time God had to deal with American politicians who think they sit at His right hand. Remember Palin, Bachmann, Cain, Jindal, Perry, and Santorum all said God told them to run. Even the governor from Ohio didn’t throw his hat in the ring until he said God had told him to do so, just recently. And what happened to them? Is anyone of them yo’ President or even yo’ Vice-president? So chill out, Baby-girl. I been watchin’ you, and you too old to get so messed up over these crazies. God’s got this.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

MOI: What do you mean, God’s got this? The Donald’s leading in the polls, he’s taking center position on the debate stage Thursday night, and according to the latest poll, Evangelical Christians are some of his strongest supporters. What the fuck?

DM: Watch yo’ mouth, Baby-girl. You not too old for me to smack you upside yo’ head. This is a holy place, and you best respect it.

MOI: All I’m saying is that if Evangelical Christians are supporting The Donald because he’s “most like them” (that’s what the polls are saying—ain’t that a hoot?), and they throw their vote behind him, they will decimate the Republican Party. Plus some “holy man” comes along and says that you have “raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election,” then, poof! that’s all the Conservative Evangelicals will need for rationale—and here comes Frankenstein to the Oval Office in 2016. “The prophet” goes on to say that we (Christians) “must listen to the trumpet [I wonder if God meant that pun?] very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy.” Compassion and mercy? What a joke! A blind man can see that Trump is many things—but compassionate and merciful are not the two words that come to mind. Try blowhard, arrogant, and a bully. You know what this is about don’t you? Conservatives are so freakin’ afraid of the culture changes that have happened and the occupancy of the Black man for eight years in the White House that they are grasping at any monster that attacks those things they fear. In my heart of hearts, I don’t think The Donald will make it into the White House, but I do think “his spirit” will—that racist, anti-immigrant, xenophobic, homophobic, and greed-inspired monster will. What’s God going to do about this?

DM: Probably nothing. God gave y’all brains and hearts for a reason. Use ‘em. He ain’t gonna stomp all over your freewill. Anyhoo, I have my own theory. Did you ever think that maybe—just maybe—He did tell those people to run (and spoke to the “prophets”), but it was His way of winnowing out the craziness that you nasty-ass humans created in your lust for power and control? The candidates said God said that they were supposed to “run” for president; they didn’t say God said they were supposed to win. Maybe yo’ God has a fabulous sense of humor. And maybe that humor is the best ass-whoppin’ and pride-buster in this realm and the next. (Remember that preacher-man who prophesied the end of the world three or four times not to long ago—flingin’ hell, fire, and damnation like monkey poo? Well, y’all still here causin’ all kinds of chaos, and little preacher man had a stroke and died! It was the end of the world all right—his world!) Now go on home, Chil’—God can take care of himself, and I’ve got work to do.

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily, Tribune Missouri/Cagle Cartoon

***

MY “SELAH” (AS IN “AHA”) MOMENT REGARDING “HAS GOD SAID” AND POLITICIANS

I am discovering that all sorts of people from every kind of religion say they hear God tell them all sorts of things. Ask any member of ISIS why they are trying to kill you, and they will probably say: “Because God told me to.” (Somehow the fact that “God told him” doesn’t make me feel any better about the fact that I am going to lose my head at that moment.) The problem with people saying “God told me” is that there is no rebuttal one can give to that. What are we going to say: “Oh, no He deeen’t!” Can I tell you a secret? I have discovered from living in this part of Christianity for forty years—where people say “Thus Saith the Lord” as matter-of-factly as brushing their teeth—that saying God told me to say “this or that” is usually meant to dominate others. It is meant to control the situation, elevate the speaker, and shut down any discussion that points to the fact that the speaker is probably wrong as Hell. Perry, Santorum, Bachmann, Herman Cain, Huckabee, et al said that God told them to run for the presidency at one time, but they all went down in a blaze of ignominy. Well, guess what, some silly-ass “prophet” may be announcing that God told him Donald Trump walks on water, but God speaks to me too, and He’s saying: “If you believe this dude or The Donald, your sorry-ass is crazier than the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland!”

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”—Jane Wagner

“When all else fails there’s always delusion.”—Conan O’Brien

“There’s always an element of self-delusion among people who believe they ought to be President. There’s an underestimation of your opponent and an overestimation of your own abilities. This is compatible with being rich and powerful, the idea that we were blessed by God because we deserve to be blessed.”—Jimmy Carter

ALL INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com

“HAS GOD SAID?” MY FAVORITE CARTOON FROM 2011

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)? THEY ARE ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

REFERENCES

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/charisma-news-donald-trump-is-the-new-word-of-god/?ref_widget=related&ref_blog=formerlyfundie&ref_post=killing-cecil-the-lion-does-god-care-how-we-treat-animals

http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/prophetic-insight/23916-prophecy-donald-trump-shall-become-the-trumpet#comment-2163756669

http://www.salon.com/2015/07/22/gods_plan_these_gop_candidates_claim_the_almighty_wants_them_to_run/

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2011/06/god_caught_backing_multiple_go.html

http://beholdthemanministries.com/articles/

http://www.politico.com/story/2015/04/ohio-john-kasich-awaits-god-2016-presidential-bid-117120.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/modern-melting-pot/201202/who-did-god-tell-run-president-in-2012

10 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on August 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Christians, Donald Trump, GOP Debate, HUMOR, Religion, satire, storytelling

HYPOCRISY, THY NAME IS “THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT”

28 May

Do you know what I discovered this week? The same thing you all discovered: The uber-Christian Josh Duggar from “19 Kids and Counting” fame has become a verb—as in “to duggar you”—and Christianity got another black eye. (Remember he worked [operative word is “worked”—past tense] for the Family Research Council that advocated opposing LGBT non-discrimination laws, birth control, and divorce?) Pretty soon my religion is going to go blind from all of the explosions in the face it keeps getting from the hypocrites whose lying lives keep backfiring who claim to represent Christ on Earth.

Cartoon Courtesy of Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

It turns out the Duggar parents had been covering up their oldest son’s “duggaring” while they tried to present themselves as holier than thou to the rest of the world for years. I KNEW IT! I called this hypocrisy cover-up quite a few years ago. When fellow Christians contacted me about their adoration for this family when Mama Duggar won the “Mother of the Year” award in 2004, I took one look at them and decided to distance myself from their media hype, sound the warning bell to any who would listen, and pray that the underbelly of the Duggars would be exposed sooner than later. The more the Duggars tried to hurt and condemn those who did not adhere to their rigid form of Christianity, the more I smelled something rotten in Denmark because I have seen this Christian legalism up-close-and-personal and knew that the outcome always seemed to produce something wicked. I wrote about it in my latest book: Fleeing Oz.

“Show me a place where women are not allowed to be in leadership along with men; show me a religious setting where women are not allowed to voice their opinions without being labelled ‘rebellious,’ and I will show you a place where the abuse of children is not very far beneath the surface of all its piety.” Eleanor Tomczyk, Fleeing Oz

I was going to do an entire exposé on the Duggars and their hypocrisy (tormenting the LGBT community, interfering with women’s reproductive rights, shoving a perverted way of life down our throats as something God was down with), but you can read it for yourselves in the references. The articles are chilling—especially the one by the young woman who could have been a Duggar wife.* In the meantime, Mrs. Duggar—who boasts of having a clown car as a vagina—probably needs to re-examine what it is she’s been doing for the last 20 years “in Jesus’ name.” Mr. Duggar might want to take another look at his sexual philosophy of screwing his wife every other day but Sunday while controlling every single aspect of his wife and girls’ lives (hair must be permed and worn long, dresses must be long and shapeless to keep men from stumbling, hugs and kisses with opposite sex are verboten unless married, and birth control is of the devil). Just maybe Jim Bob’s actions (both controlling and out-of-control) drove his son, Josh, to do what he did (four of the victims being his sisters). The first time I saw a picture of the Duggars (when they were just 14 kids and counting), I didn’t see God’s liberating grace and joy, I saw a woman abused by a “wannabe stud-muffin” who should be ashamed of himself for passing off his “lie of family sexuality” as God’s perfect plan for the Earth. I didn’t see freedom for the female members in his family—I saw abuse—and I wept.

Duggars: 14 Kids and Counting

Anyway, going from the disgusting to the mundane, I have got to start packing. We sold our house, we bought another one, and now I have to get moving here. In a week or two, I will take a break from blogging, but I’ll let you know before I go. I am sure I’ll have a lot of blog fodder from moving—the concept of me moving my entire house to an entirely different city is fraught with comedic peril. Just know that this week, I am glad I still loves me some Jesus but no longer hang out in Oz because I am pretty disgusted with a lot of my fellow Christian peeps.

Public Domain Photos (“Moving Day”)

WHAT I LEARNED THIS WEEK:

I am discovering that hypocrisy is one of man’s worst failures. It colors everything we say and do, and no human is safe from its tentacles. Beware of people who claim to speak for God’s laws, and whose interpretation of His ways are rigid, unkind, loveless, graceless, controlling, and lacking in mercy. Even with Josh Duggar committing such vile acts against five little girls, I pray for God to have mercy on him and that his victims will be healed. Maybe through the public admittance of his “Duggarisms,” the women in Josh Duggar’s family (his sisters and his wife) might be set free now that the mirror of hypocrisy has shattered his life. May it start with the son and proceed through the father, who I ultimately hold responsible for imprisoning his family, and who is trying to do so to anyone foolish enough to follow this man’s example. Make it so, Lord Jesus—please make it so—or you’re not going to have much of a church left to bear witness to your character. Instead of Christ’s church, it will be Christ’s hypocrites.

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON HYPOCRISY

(unless otherwise noted, all quotes are from http://www.brainyquote.com)

HYPOCRISY /həˈpäkrəsē/: “the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform; pretense.”—Google Online Dictionary

“For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I’m outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it’s hardest to see.”—Robin Williams

“There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy, hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.”—Frederick William Robertson

“Kids have what I call a built-in hypocrisy antenna that comes up and blocks out what you’re saying when you’re being a hypocrite.”—Benjamin Carson

“Dr. Carson—dear ‘Christian brother,’ I’ve been wondering why I can’t hear you. . .”—Eleanor Tomczyk

***

CHECK OUT THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK ON EXPOSING HYPOCRISY IN CHRISTIANITY AND HER ESCAPE TO SANITY! AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? VISIT HER WEBSITE AT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Cartoon courtesy of Dan Piraro www.bizarro.com

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/05/28/how-and-why-a-journalist-tricked-news-outlets-into-thinking-chocolate-makes-you-thin/?hpid=z6

http://www.salon.com/2015/05/28/what_tlcs_duggar_decision_will_tell_us_whos_winning_the_culture_war_between_social_justice_and_christian_grace/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/05/28/the-duggar-effect-the-end-of-hicksploitation-tv.html

*http://www.salon.com/2015/05/28/i_couldve_been_a_duggar_wife_i_grew_up_in_the_same_church_and_the_abuse_scandal_doesnt_shock_me/

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2015/05/27/the-duggar-name-becomes-new-word-for-hypocrisy-and-child-molestation/

http://www.rawstory.com/2015/05/larry-wilmore-destroys-dangerous-hypocrite-josh-duggar-i-hate-pedophiles-but-i-love-irony/

http://www.salon.com/2015/05/26/how_the_duggar_familys_over_the_top_beliefs_created_an_environment_that_fostered_child_sex_abuse/

http://www.religionnews.com/2015/05/28/ex-trooper-says-he-was-not-told-the-truth-in-duggar-molestation-case/

14 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on May 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: 19 Kids and Counting, Christians, HUMOR, hypocrisy, Jim Bob Duggar, Josh Duggar, Religious Right, satire, storytelling

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT: I’VE HAD ANOTHER BABY AT 67 YRS OLD!

14 May

Do you know what I discovered this week? I did it—I’m an old fart, and I have had another baby! Actually, she arrived early (scheduled due date: May 20^th). It was grueling, the gestation period was fifteen months, and I delivered her without medication—painful as a son of bitch, like a watermelon pushing through the entryway the size of a pea. But she’s here, and her name is Fleeing Oz.

Fleeing Oz on sale now at Amazon!

(Kindle site to launch in 10 days)

I couldn’t be prouder of my new baby. Check out a couple of my first reviews:

“This book took guts to feel, to believe, and to put in print. It is raw beauty, love, emotion, pain, and healing all in one.”—A. Gaudreaux, Freelance Writer/Editor

“. . . Though I’ve never been invested in the Church personally, I found the overall story compelling for its insight into how subtly (and then quite drastically) well-intended initiatives and institutions can deteriorate and corrupt those within. But I think my favorite aspects of the book had to do with the author’s treatment of race, namely the problem of maintaining a strong racial (and feminine) identity in the face of a predominately white- (and male-) privileging dogma. In fact one of my favorite lines in the book came rather early in the narrative: ‘It is easy to be color-blind when the people of color within a group naïvely abandon their ethnic identity to fit in, easy to share everything when you don’t own anything, and easy to love when that love hasn’t been tested.’”—Virginia Garnett, PhD, author of “The Podium in Print: The popular lecture in American literary culture, 1865–1914.”

Fleeing Oz on sale now at Amazon!

(Kindle sales to launch in 10 days)

***

But don’t just take my word about what my new baby looks like, check out her birth announcement by the “doctors and nurses” in the marketing department that helped bring her to life.

“When you look around and realize that the people filling the pews in your church represent traits you find reprehensible, you can do two things. You can keep your head down and become like them. Or you can follow author Eleanor L. Tomczyk’s example, reexamine everything you believe, and write a hilarious memoir about losing your religion.

“And that’s precisely what she does. Fleeing Oz chronicles Tomczyk’s journey from a wide-eyed, eager believer to a battered but not beaten refugee of the culture wars.

“From her early days as an African-American girl living on a cult like communal farm with a bunch of white kids, to her final escape from organized religion right before Barack Obama’s election in 2008, Tomczyk tells her story with grace. Far from cruel or mocking, Tomczyk resists the temptation to do unto others as they have done unto her, choosing instead to use humor where others might use hate.

“An edgy coming-of-age tale about a baby boomer who wants to follow God without getting crushed by God’s people in the process, Fleeing Oz will cause anyone who’s ever struggled with faith, doubt, and disillusionment to stand up and say ‘amen.’

“This hilarious, irreverent, and brutally honest book tells her story of faith, doubt, and disbelief—and how she walked away from church without turning her back on God.”

***

I am discovering that writing one’s sophomore book is harder than writing one’s debut book, and I suspect that it is even a lot harder than writing the subsequent manuscripts. Although Fleeing Oz was difficult to birth—mainly due to the unbelievable nature of some of the stories—it has arrived right on time because the media were awash yesterday with stories about Americans leaving the Christian churches in droves. All the commentators from Fox News to MSNBC have their theories as to why: boredom, too many drums—not enough drums, culture war exhaustion, and right-wing and left-wing politics. That may be some of the reasons, but I don’t think that they are all. I surmise that many Americans are trying to catch the same balloon ride out of Oz that I am on and for the same #1 reason: The modern day church is a poser (not all, but most). For the most part, the church of Christ no longer resembles the character of Christ. Check out Fleeing Oz to see what I’m talking about. Hope it makes you laugh, makes you cry, and most of all, makes you think.

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“’We’ve known that the religiously unaffiliated has been growing for decades,’ said Greg Smith, Pew’s associate director of religion research and the lead researcher on the new study. ‘But the pace at which they’ve continued to grow is really astounding.’”—Daniel Burke, Religion Writer, CNN.com

REFERENCES

http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/12/living/pew-religion-study/

http://www.newser.com/story/206700/americans-leaving-christianity-in-droves.html

27 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on May 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

BAD MOTHERS

04 May

Do you know what I discovered this week? I actually agreed with . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Rush Limbaugh! Ugh! He was cheering the actions of Toya Graham (Baltimore Mom) that saved her son from—at the very least—doing something really, really, stupid and going to jail and at the very worst, getting himself killed, when he picked up a brick to throw it at the police. (His mother had told him to come straight home after school and not attend the protests.) Limbaugh was quick to add to his praise that it wouldn’t take more than a nano-second before some bleeding-heart liberal criticized the Baltimore Mom for “smacking” her sixteen-year-old son and accusing her of “child abuse.” Well, Lord have mercy, that is exactly what happened! My newfound liberal compadres started raising a ruckus—calling Baltimore Mom a “bad mother”—falling short of calling Child Protective Services on the poor woman. As Limbaugh screamed, “I told you so,” the fact that he and I were on the same page about something made me vomit in my mouth—if only just a little bit.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler The Columbus

COMMENTS BY BALTIMORE MOM WHEN INTERVIEWED BY VARIOUS NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AFTER SMACKING HER CHILD UP SIDE HIS HEAD AND OSTENSIBLY SAVING HIS LIFE

“I’m a no-tolerant mother. Everybody who knows me, knows I don’t play that. He knew. He knew he was in trouble.

“That’s my only son and at the end of the day I don’t want him to be a Freddie Gray. I was angry. I was shocked, because you never want to see your child out there doing that.

“Is he a perfect son? No! But he’s my son!”

***

After I got over the shock of having been in lock-step with Rush Limbaugh on a subject matter (Lord Jesus, come soon; I don’t know if my heart can take this), I picked myself up off the floor and decided to write a letter to all those liberal columnists and commenters who labeled Baltimore Mom a bad mother. I sent the letter as a Black mother who has successfully raised two grown kids who survived my parenting and me their crazy teenage years.

Cartoonist Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Dear Fellow Liberals:

We haven’t known each other very long. I used to be an oxymoron—a card-carrying Black, Conservative, Christian, Republican. I recently joined your ranks after being totally and utterly scandalized by my former conservative friends (see upcoming book Fleeing Oz, launching May 20^th).

I’m retired now, but before doing so I was a teacher, an actress, a singer, and an award-winning voiceover talent. But the thing I am most proud of is that I was and am a Black mother (don’t let the Polish last name fool you) who managed to rear two amazing women who are in their thirties now. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I almost lost the war with one of them—necessitating a couple pops across the noggin and a lot of “tough love” to knock some sense into her head. If asked, that child will tell you about a time when she was on the road to losing her soul and destroying our family. I climbed up on a stepping stool to get my point across—she is almost six-feet-tall in heels and I’m five-feet-tall when I’m lying through my teeth—and smacked her upside her head just like the Baltimore Mom. She will also tell you that the scenario was so hilarious—me, teetering on top of a stepping-stool trying to swat a zig-zagging, belligerent teen—that she fell on the floor, rolling in laughter . . . in other words, my smacks didn’t hurt (neither did the Baltimore Mom’s—so chill), but it got my point across—“as long as you live under my roof . . . you will respect and obey me and the law.”

I read all sorts of criticisms that you wrote about the Baltimore Mom that said she was committing child abuse by smacking her son with her hands (it was her open hand, not a brick or a two-by-four). You said the smacks and the public humiliation would damage her son forever (no, being shot dead would damage him forever), and you said she should have used her “inside voice” to ask him respectfully to drop the brick, leave the riot, and return home with her like the good little boy she knew him to be. When I researched who the critics were—for the most part—you were single, or married without kids, or parents of infants and toddlers (in other words, judging the teen years from afar), or people who had never lived in an environment where the police shoot first and ask questions later. In other words, you were all critics with theories on how to rear teenagers in a hostile environment where the “cradle to prison” pipeline is a surety for 1 in 3 black boys born in 2001.*

I think you might be confused as to who is a bad mother. My mother was a bad mother (anyone that tries to scald you to death, starve you senseless, and attack you with a butcher knife—all before you’re nine years old is not a good mother—see my first book, Monsters’ Throwdown for the entire sordid tale). Honey Boo-Boo’s mother—now that’s a bad mother. And yet I’ve heard some of you same critics laud the fact that HBB’s mom is a loving mom and at the end of the day, they all love each other and have each other’s backs. You see a loving family, I see a modern day freak show. That is, until TLC (what I call the “mutton-headed, cretinous, moronic channel”) pulled the plug on it because “Mama Bo-Bo” started allegedly shacking up with a recently released child molester who had served time for sexually abusing her oldest daughter. (Somebody hand me a brick; I need to whack that woman upside her head to knock some sense into it before she totally destroys poor Honey Boo-Boo!)

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta

I know bad mothers when I encounter them. I had a mother call me once when her daughter and my daughter (the one I did the stepping-stool-tango with) were really testing their sixteen-year-old boundaries. I had never met the woman, but her daughter had demanded that she let both the girls engage in something that my husband and I were vehemently opposed to. The mother hid in a closet to call me to see if she and her husband could get together with me and my husband to figure out how to handle the girls. I didn’t realize she was hiding to keep her daughter from hearing her conversation until I heard loud banging accompanied by screaming obscenities: “MOM, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO? ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIEND’S MOM? YOU BETTER NOT BE DOING THAT. I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL HER!” [starts kicking the closet door], COME OUT OF THIS FUCKIN’ CLOSET AND FIX MY DINNER!”

“Honey, honey, I’m talking to my, my . . . sister . . . don’t get angry; I’ll be out in a minute, sweetheart. . . Mrs. Tomczyk, I’ve got to go, my daughter is really angry; I’ll call you later.” The mother hastily hung up, and I figured that was all I was going to hear from her. But thirty minutes later she called me again—breathless, and apologetic. “Oh my, Mrs. Tomczyk, it’s not easy to trick my daughter, but I managed to do it. Whoo-hoo! I told her that I didn’t have enough potatoes to make her favorite mashed potatoes, and that I needed to go to the grocery store to get some more. She pouted, but let me go, so now we can talk freely. Let’s you and I agree to a time to get together to see what we can do to save our girls. We have to handle this very, very gingerly or I, for one, will certainly lose my daughter. She just gets so angry with me—I can’t handle it.”

My liberal critics, if you had been there that day, I am convinced you would have labeled me a very bad mother because my response was: “Oh Hell to the no! You and I don’t have anything to discuss, woman. Any mother who cowers from her own child is a very, very bad mother, and I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You go on back to your closet and your Veruca Salt child**, and I am going in search of a stepping stool.”

**Veruca Salt, a character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

***

In my old age, I am discovering that I was not the best mother, but I was not the worst one either. (My kids were not the best kids, but they were not the worst, so I guess we are even.) When all was said and done, they became amazing adults, and they fondly remember that I was a no-nonsense kind of mom. One of my girls is the mother of my grandson, and she cracks me up because she does not cut the boy any slack. She thinks I’m much too easy on him (I’ve grown soft in my old age), and she constantly reminds me that her black son, my grandson, will not be given the grace to make stupid choices as his white friends will—that the outcomes will be demonstratively different. She’s right. She’s a good mother.

All in all, I am a mother who did her best, who passionately loves her children, and they her, and I am confident they will say what Ben Okri said about his mother when I die: “Her passing away ripped the solidity out of the world.”

***

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS WHO HAVE THE COURAGE TO REAR HUMANS!

Cartoonist: Bill Waterson/Calvin and Hobbes

INSPIRATIONAL MOTHERHOOD QUOTES

“No one is more sentimentalized in America than mothers on Mother’s Day, but no one is more often blamed for the culture’s bad people and behavior.”—Anne Lamott

“Mothers and children are human beings, and they will sometimes do the wrong thing.”—Maurice Sendak

“Even as we enumerate their shortcomings, the rigor of raising children ourselves makes clear to us our mothers’ incredible strength. We fear both. If they are not strong, who will protect us? If they are not imperfect, how can we equal them?”—Anna Quindlen

“We never think that our mothers will die. It was like suddenly an abyss opened at my feet – I was standing on nothing. It was the strangest thing. Her passing away ripped the solidity out of the world.”—Ben Okri

QUOTES COURTESY www.brainyquote.com

Cartoon used by permission: Mother’s Day Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

***

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2015/04/29/baltimore-mother-parenting-science-violence-column/26577751/

http://thedailybanter.com/2015/04/in-defense-of-baltimore-mom-toya-graham/

*http://www.childrensdefense.org/library/data/cradle-to-prison-pipeline-overview-fact-sheet-2009.pdf

7 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on May 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Baltimore Mom, HUMOR, Mother's Day, satire, storytelling, Toya Graham

EVERYBODY LIES

16 Feb

Do you know what I discovered after meditating on the downfall of Brian Williams last week? Everybody lies! There is not a single human being who has ever lived, is living, or will live that won’t lie at some point in their lives—probably multiple times—maybe even daily, if the truth be known. We all live in glass houses when it comes to lying and, although I will admit some of us are worse than others, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

One of the problems is that lying is in our DNA. We lie to exaggerate our importance in a situation so that we come off better or more heroic than we are (James “A Million Little Pieces” Fey); we lie to win (Lance “sorry I got caught” Armstrong); we lie to not get punished (any child on the planet); we lie to cover up our sins (the Catholic “we don’t have a sexual abuse problem here” Church); we lie to become famous (Milli “we lip-synced” Vanilli); we lie to cover up infidelity (Bill “I never had sex with that woman” Clinton); we lie to embellish our resumes (Paul “caught lying about his college record” Rand); we lie just because we can (Tiger “I can do no wrong” Woods), and we lie to get our own way (every human on the planet). Lying is as human as eating, sleeping, and having sex. I know because I was there when it all started.

Used by permission Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Once upon a time at the dawn of man, I was strolling through a gorgeous garden waiting to have a chat with the owner in the cool of the day when I heard Him call out a couple of names: “Adam . . . Eve, where are you, chickadees? I thought we’d hang out tonight, grab some supper with a friend of mine, and chat about which animals you named what today. I’m still cracking up over the name ‘Axolotl’ and ‘Aye-aye.’ What a hoot!”

There was a significant pause and then an almost imperceptible sound as two trembling voices were heard coming from behind the rhododendrons, “WE’RE HIDING FROM YOU, LORD.”

“Why are you hiding?” asked God. “The only other person here is Eleanor, the Blogger, and whatever you say in front of me you can say in front of her. She’s one of my favorite peeps.”

“We’re hiding because we are ashamed,” said Adam.

“Ashamed?” replied God. “What do you have to be ashamed about? You are living in perfection, and you are totally innocent.”

“We’re ashamed because we are naked,” shrieked Eve. “And Adam keeps staring at my ta-tas and my who-ha as if his eyes and tongue are going to fall out of his head, which he never did before today. Then there is that springy snake-like thing hanging from his lower body that I never paid any attention to before, which used to just dangle there, but now it is saluting me. I’ve got to tell you it’s pretty gross. I’d like to know what that is, thank you very much.”

“Wait a minute, Eve, who told you that you were naked?” asked God. “Adam, have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

Adam said, “ME, why are you picking on me? She’s the problem. It wasn’t my fault. This woman you put here with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree, and made me eat it. SHE kept saying, ‘Try it; it will be fun.’ If it hadn’t been for ‘that woman,’ I’d be going on about my business without a care in the world right now.”

“Ooooh, Adam, you are so busted,” I said. “Blame it on the woman, you balless wonder. Eve is never going to let you live this down—she’s going to make your life a living hell for throwing her under the bus.”

“The serpent lied to me, and I ate the fruity thing in the middle of the garden,” said Eve rather petulantly. “At first I wasn’t going to because you said we would die if we did, but then ol’ sneaky snake over there said, ‘Go on, God knows you won’t die, but when you eat of it your eyes will be opened—you’ll be like God, able to know good from evil.’ So when I bit into the fruit and didn’t die, I thought, ‘oh well, looks like God didn’t really tell me the truth, now did he?’ You see, I’m still alive, right?” said a slightly irritated Eve. “The only thing that changed is I noticed the one-eyed monster hanging off the lower part of Adam’s body seemed to be up to no good.”

“Oy, Eve—what have you done—do you not understand metaphor?” asked an exasperated God. “I was really looking forward to an uneventful evening and a delightful dinner. But since you both chose to disobey my orders and lie to my face in front of my friend, I have no choice but to ‘bring it’ against you two. So here’s how it’s going down from now on. ET, the Blogger, take notes for posterity. You can call it Genesis if you like and publish it for generations to come.

“Sneaky Snake, you are cursed above all livestock and all wild animals. You will crawl on your belly and eat dust all the days of your life. Uh, uh, zip it! Don’t even attempt to say a word. That’s what you get for lying to the kids. Also, I’m declaring war between you and the woman, and the woman’s children will constantly crush your head under their feet.

“Eve, I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with pain you will give birth to children. What’s childbearing, you ask? You’ll soon find out. Hint: Beware of Adam’s one-eyed monster. And stop whimpering! You should have thought about the repercussions before you lied, Child. Didn’t I tell you that you would die? You thought I meant, literally, didn’t you? But when you’re in the midst of squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole that is the circumference of a grape, not only will you feel like you’re dying but you’re gonna want to kill Adam because of it. Mark my words. And as an added bonus your libido is going to kick in, and you will want to please your husband, but because you coerced him into disobedience, he will lord his position over you, and women across the Earth throughout the end of time will want to wring your neck for the situation they’ve inherited from you. This was not my original plan, but there you have it. I created you both in my image—equal partners—but now everything is all screwy.

Used by permission: Bill Schorr, Cagle Cartoons

“Adam, because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree which I told you not to, and then blamed your action born out of your own free will on her (come on son, that was really low), the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful as having babies is for your wife. You will be working in pain all your life long. It will be nothing but work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Gone are those glory days of Eden where everything was easy-peasy and all fun and games. Consequently, women will outlive men on an average of five years or so. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Can we go back to the drawing board—start all over—get me a new woman?” said the penitent Adam.

“Not on your life!” replied an agitated God. “’Don’t touch or you will die,’ means exactly that. This realm of life is now dead to you. The rest of the details of your punishment can be picked up from my executive assistant after I kick your butts out of my perfect garden. (Take that nasty-behind snake with you, as well.) And don’t think you’re going to be able to get back in when life gets hard, and you think I’m not paying attention. I plan to station a couple of angels at the gate to stand guard. If you’re going to make adult choices by doing your own thing and then lying about it, then it is time you made your own way in the world and deal with the consequences. Now hold still while I shear a couple of sheep and whip you up some clothes to cover up your bits and pieces now that you know you’re naked. You two haven’t been on Earth more than a half a second, and you’ve already caused an eternity of trouble.”

“Kids—you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them,” said the disgruntled and rather sad God to me. “Come along, Eleanor, the Blogger, I’m going to have to school you on what type of world you’ll inherit due to the first sin of mankind: lying. Sorry to inform you that you and your female counterparts are going to have a rough go of it because of today’s shenanigans. It can’t be helped, but you’ll figure out how to overcome it—of that I’m sure. And hang on to your hat Baby, because if I know anything about the men I’ve created, murder will soon follow as the second act.”

ET THE BLOGGER’S DIARY NOTE ON ‘THE FALL OF MAN’—4000 BC: That is when I first realized that mankind couldn’t handle the truth. I was there—I should know.

***

I am discovering that but by the grace of God go us all. I must confess that I have a tendency to lie because I am a natural-born storyteller and an actress. People who are writers and actors often blur the line between fantasy and reality. If I don’t assiduously monitor my behavior, I will lie when I don’t want to face harsh criticism (definitely a leftover from my psychotic childhood), and I will lie when I want to be accepted by people who usually don’t mean a hill of beans to me and aren’t worth the paper they are judging me on (my therapist and I are still working on that one). My lies may not be tall tales like Brian’s, but that is because I don’t live on as high a plane as he does. It’s all relative. I actually feel kind of bad for the dude, because his most vocal critics (Fox News and breitbart.com, and the like) practically invented lying to the public, but you wouldn’t know it by how sanctimonious they’ve been over poor Brian’s demise.

What I found fascinating about the stories on Brian’s downfall was not so much that he lied, but that he blew through the warning signs that would have course-corrected him and kept him from falling into the liar’s abyss—probably would have saved him from what will most likely be his undoing as a journalist. Upon reading several articles on the subject, I learned that it has been suggested Brian Williams is deeply insecure and no matter how high he has risen career-wise, he has the pressing need to dazzle because he never feels quite good enough. Other dime-store psychologists have suggested that Mr. Williams thought he was too big to fail ($10M/year salary and a high muckety-muck position at NBC News), while others have implied that Brian surrounded himself with “yes men and women”—no one had the courage to tell him the truth if they disagreed with his perspective about what he was doing—they couldn’t tell him “no.” That’s too bad. Courageous Truth Sayers in our lives are the only antidote against a lying spirit. If Brian Williams is to make it in the future, he needs to pick himself up a couple of these types of trustworthy people and attach them to his hips and listen to them. I have a few courageous Truth Sayers in my life, and it is the only reason I can sleep at night.

***

“There are some good people. But a good chunk of them will lie for no reason at all – it’ll be ten o’clock and they’ll tell you it’s nine. You’re looking at the clock and you can’t even fathom why they’re lying. They just lie because that’s what they do.”—John Cusack

“Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.”—Harry S Truman

“Lying is not only saying what isn’t true. It is also, in fact especially, saying more than is true and, in the case of the human heart, saying more than one feels. We all do it, every day, to make life simpler.”—Albert Camus

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

Basic script of conversation between God, Adam, and Eve loosely based on Genesis 3 in The Holy Bible (TNIV and Message translations)

***

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Courtesy of memegnerator.net

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/storytelling-ability-connected-williams-with-his-viewers-but-also-led-to-his-downfall/2015/02/14/def95228-b3a4-11e4-854b-a38d13486ba1_story.html?hpid=z1

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/business/media/brian-williams-and-memories-retread-from-a-perch-too-public.html?_r=0

http://www.cnn.com/videos/entertainment/2015/02/15/rs-jon-stewart-rips-fox-news.cnn

12 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on February 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Brian Williams, HUMOR, Liars, satire, storytelling

DEFLATED BALLS

24 Jan

Do you know what I discovered about myself this week? I have turned into a thirteen-year-old boy over this deflate-gate scandal involving the New England Patriots. I, who know nothing about football—seriously, I know less than nothing—can’t help descending into gales of laughter every time someone from the NFL gives a news conference trying to defend yet another one of their lack of character issues. Remember “Spygate”? According to Wikipedia, that scandal was about the Pats “videotaping the New York Jets’ defensive coaches’ signals from a sideline position years ago.” Apparently, in the land of football, this was considered a mega-cheating scandal and cost the Patriots thousands of dollars, so the Pats aren’t receiving much grace from the public (fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me).

Used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

Either it’s a lack of sleep (three hours), or I’m really regressing into a pubescent boy, but I fell off the treadmill from the gale-force of my laughter when I heard quarterback Tom Brady give his news conference about his personal handling of the eleven out of twelve underinflated footballs used during the Pats’ 45-7 victory over the Indianapolis Colts that determined who would play in this year’s Super Bowl Game. Brady started the news conference by saying that when he picks his anointed twelve footfalls right before the big game, to him they are perfect. He then went on to say:

“I don’t want anyone touching my balls after that,

Don’t want anyone rubbing them—

Putting any air in them—taking any air out. . .

To me those balls are perfect!”

ROLFL! I can hardly wait for this week’s Saturday Night Live. It is going to be priceless!

Used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

Maybe we ought to give up the ghost on our claim that we are an exceptional nation with great moral character. It’s just too hard, isn’t it? We’re failing at it here, there, and everywhere. According to a study done in 2010 (The Prevalence of Lying in America: Three Studies of Self-Reported Lies), 96% of us lie like a rug just to get our own way. And if The Fiscal Times is to be believed, they cite a study that says cheating has gone mainstream from parents of high school kids hiring—for thousands of dollars—uber-smart “ringers” to take their kids SAT tests, to websites that will help one cheat on one’s spouse. Way to go, America!

As I meditated on these themes, I had a daydream that instead of the country celebrating the Academy Awards on February 22^nd (something I know a great deal about), we ought to have a Cheaters and Liars Awards Show. The trophy could be based on the Patriots’ scandal. Instead of an Oscar, the winners could receive a trophy in the shape of a deflated ball. Can you imagine . . .

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

***

SCENE: We zoom in on a gala star-studded awards ceremony somewhere in Los Angeles. Beautiful, and not so beautiful, people can be seen exiting limousines and milling around waiting to walk the red carpet and hopefully catch the eye of one of the top celebrity correspondents. They are primed and ready to show off their designer gowns and suits for the Academy of Cheaters and Liars as they “humbly” announce that winning is not everything—they are just happy to be nominated (remember they are up for awards as liars). Celebrity blogger and author, ET, can be seen waving over Fox News for her first interview.

ET: Faux News! Welcome to the first annual Academy of Cheaters and Liars awards ceremony. You’ve been nominated for the “Just Can’t Seem to Get the Facts Right” category along with CNN, breitbart.com, rightwingnews.com, RedState,The Rush Limbaugh Show, and that consummate liar, Glenn Beck. And look at you, girlfriend. You are stylin’ tonight. Who knew right-wingers could “rock your body” like that. And look at that ass—you are definitely “all about that bass,” Baby. Who are you wearing tonight?

FOX: I’m wearing Armani ‘cause I’ve got “no treble.” He, he, he, he! Get it? Meghan Trainor—“All About That Bass.” Who says Republicans aren’t lowdown with the culture?

ET: Ah, Foxy Baby, I don’t think “lowdown” means what you think it means. Anyway, how open-minded of you, Foxy, on your choice of formal wear! You know Armani’s gay, right? Don’t get me wrong—I loves me some Armani—I don’t care what his sexuality is. He’s brilliant. I just thought, given your lack of love for gay people and all . . .

FOX: Armani is not a gay. He’s been married to a woman for thirty years (his childhood sweetheart to be exact), has eight kids, and is a pillar of the Catholic Church in Germany.

ET: Did you just pull that out of your “bass,” Sugah? And can you spell Google?

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Fox News scurries off in a bit of a huff, although they are slated to win a Deflated Ball for their debacle of stating as fact that France and England have “no go zones” which are Muslim controlled and ruled by Sharia Law. They are favored to win because Fox News repeated this lie multiple times without a shred of facts, summarily offended the French, and Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo is threatening to sue their “bass.” You go Faux News!

Our entertainment correspondent sees Mitt Romney off in the distance and beckons him over for an interview.

ET: Mitt, what a surprise! I did not expect to see you here, Darlin’, but I just found out that you are up for a triple-threat award: the Clueless Award for your 2012 47% comment, the Consummate Liar’s award because you swore eleven times that you would not run for the presidency again (even your wife said “we are done, done, done”), and the Flip-floppers award. But before we try to break that down for our viewing audience, who are you wearing tonight?

MITT: Robert Comstock.

ET: But of course, you are—he’s the wonderful Mormon fashion designer. Love, love, love his line, although it’s a little bit pricey for my 47% ass and not quite diva-ish enough for my tastes. In fact, it’s a little casual for this event, don’t you think?

MITT: I do not. I’m changing my image. I’m all about the poor this presidential campaign—all about my peeps in the hoods everywhere. This year I’m down with the 47%. I’m bringing on my homeboy, Snoop Puppy Dog as my adjunct campaign advisor. I’m confident that nothing can stop me from occupying the Oval office in 2015 and beyond because I will win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win (did I say that eleven times?)! I deserve it! I am called to save our country from the ravages of that Kenyan. I am the man!

ET: Oh, Mitt Baby. Even I’m feeling a little sorry for you. Did you notice that the Republican Party ran off into the bushes screaming “nooooooooooooooooooooooooo” after you said “yes?” The Koch Brothers invited every Republican they could think of except you, Brother, to their big pow-wow (“the Koch Brothers’ secret bank”) this weekend. I think I stand a better chance of getting invited as an ex-black conservative, born-again liberal before you will. WTF, man? Show some pride. Did losing to a black man cause you that much trauma? Go home and raise your grandkids and forget about ruling the world, or at least America.

MT: Forget? How dare you! I never lose, I never lose, I hate Jeb Bush, I hate Jeb Bush, I must win all the time, I must win all the time, no matter what, no matter what . . .

Used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

As Romney wandered off in his wilderness-chic apparel by Robert Comstock mumbling his “winning” mantra, ET spotted Bill Cosby skulking on the periphery trying to get the black media to cut him some slack and give him an interview about anything except the rumors circling around him. ET hides behind Michael Moore who was there for the Hubris Award for Bloviated Opinions along with Bill Maher, and she stayed put until the dark shadow of Cosby passed by. ET just didn’t have the heart to engage in chit-chat with the murderer of Dr. Huxstable. Besides, she knew exactly what he was wearing because she could spot an Anand Jon Alexander design a mile away (the celebrity designer currently serving 59 years to life in prison in California for raping aspiring models he had drugged—some as young as 14). On the verge of vomiting, and in the attempt to escape from Bill Cosby’s line of vision, and hoping to avoid Michael Moore altogether, she collided with Lance Armstrong and accidentally knocked him off his bike which made him furious.

ET: Oh, Lance Armstrong, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to dismantle you from your bike. I didn’t see you there. Can I interview you?

LA: Whatever.

ET: There is no use asking who you’re wearing because it’s clear your bike shorts and top are made by you since nobody wants to be associated with you anymore, and I read that you gave all your label-sponsored sportswear to Goodwill. As to why you are here: My media card says that you are up for best documentary of the World’s Greatest Liar: “Lance Armstrong: Stop at Nothing.” You know that you are the only one in your category tonight of the World’s Greatest Liar, don’t you? No one has ever come close to pulling off the massive fraud you did except maybe Bernie Madoff, so you’re sure to be a shoe-in for a Deflated Ball.

LA: I just want to ask you what I ask everyone else: How can it be cheating or lying when everyone else was doing it? I did what I had to do to win.

ET: Save it for the Judge, Sweetpea. I’m not going to get into this discussion with you. I just want to say that the documentary is unbelievable, and you deserve a Deflated Ball. Congratulations! I had a lot of admiration and sympathy for you before I saw the documentary (your personal deflated ball situation caused by cancer and all), but I came away from the film feeling absolutely cold inside—as if I had bumped into Satan himself! Dude, you are portrayed as one cold-hearted, mean-spirited, lying, cheating, life-destroying, manipulative, sociopathic, son-of-a-bitch and it’s all through your own words and actions—the narrator barely had to say a thing. No one has ever made me feel that way. Man, I wouldn’t want to ever be your friend or associate.

LA: Fuck you!

ET: Yep, that’s what everyone said you’d say if I dared to interview you. It looks like not much has changed about your character. Well, it’s been real. Gotta go!

On that note, our entertainment correspondent fled as far away from Lance Armstrong as she could and took her seat with all the nominees to watch our fallen heroes and idols as they received their Deflated Ball trophies for the selling of their souls to win, to get the gold, to receive the praise, and to harness the power. All she could think was: “America, you sho’ is in trouble, Girl!”

Used by permission: Tom Janssen, The Netherlands

***

I am discovering that we have become a nation of cheaters and liars—from the marriage bed to the football field to the pulpit and beyond. No wonder we can’t get much done as a Nation. No wonder we have so many mental-health issues. No wonder our moral compass is shattered. How can we work together to overcome our problems (both individually and societally) if we can’t even trust each other? Winning has become such a powerful drug that most of us will do anything, say anything, and sell any part of our souls to reach that summit. Prestigious schools are being caught in cheating scandals faster than I can say “My Kid’s an Honor Roll Student;” we had a President look us straight in the eye and say, “I did not have sex with that woman,” when he knew damn well he did (I count blow-jobs as sex, thank you very much, BC); and more than half of us divorce each other with 47% citing the reason as unreasonable behavior by our partners.

Well, I’m not having it in my life. I can’t control these national fools who have already betrayed my trust and those who will continue to betray me—but I can control my own sorry ass. (God, please help me to end my days better than when I began—in other words, let me walk the talk until I permanently exit stage left.) As for my husband and my children, it would behoove them to follow my lead because I now write books, and if they don’t behave, one day I will be interviewed by Oprah! Uh, huh—that’s what I’m sayin’!

Used by permission: Daryl Cagle, www.cagleCartoons.com

“To me, football is so much about mental toughness, it’s digging deep, it’s doing whatever you need to do to help a team win and that comes in a lot of shapes and forms.” (Emphasis mine)—Tom Brady (quarterback for the New England Patriots)

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.”—Abraham Lincoln

“I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating.”—Sophocles

“All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.”—Scott Alexander

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/wp/2015/01/22/bill-belichick-on-deflategate-talk-to-tom-brady/?hpid=z1

http://variety.com/2014/tv/reviews/tv-review-lance-armstrong-stop-at-nothing-1201347559/

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/02/sports/cycling/end-of-the-ride-for-lance-armstrong.html?_r=0

23 Comments

Posted by etomczyk on January 24, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tags: Bill Cosby, Cheaters and Liars, Fox News, HUMOR, Lance Armstrong, Mitt Romney, New England Patriots, Right-wing Media, satire, storytelling, Super Bowl, Tom Brady

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how the hell did i end up here?

PRAYING IS NOT ENOUGH

WELCOME, POPE FRANCIS

Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

AMUSING OURSELVES TO DEATH

GOD SAID WHAT?

HYPOCRISY, THY NAME IS “THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT”

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT: I’VE HAD ANOTHER BABY AT 67 YRS OLD!

BAD MOTHERS

EVERYBODY LIES

DEFLATED BALLS

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