i miss you a lot. that's really all i have to say. i haven't written in a good week. i haven't actually written, it seems, in a good year. just watched both amy tan and elizabeth gilbert on creativity on tedtalks. watched amy tan's when i was a freshman/soph in high school, it struck me as deep, thought-provoking. but seeing it again, now, it seems a bit too simplistic. too scattered, no real one thought. interesting, of course, as thinking about the meaning of life is interesting, but not as provoking anymore.

gilbert's - a little more sophisticated. she talked about ruth stone's process of creativity, how poetry hits her like a physical force going through her, searching for a vessel, and that when she gets down a poem perfectly, she'd grabbed it by the tail and there it is on the page - backward.

i miss him a lot. does this ache fade? it will; it just seems to never - fade - until i see him again. and these moments are so raw; that's why they carve into my mind and i'm left looking at the remnants.

ai-yi-yi. ai-yi-yi. there is only distracting myself, for now. i'm not the type (at least not yet) to burn things, to throw away everything reminiscent of him. but i understand why people do things like that. because the feeling of missing feels not so much emptiness as negative energy that threatens to destroy your sanity, your happiness. because missing someone is actively digging yourself into a need that cannot be fulfilled. at least not on my part. not for at least another several days. and then what? two weeks of pure bliss. then's it move-out, and i won't see him the rest of summer (and ever? must not think that).

the scene truly paints me as the damsel in distress waiting for her man to sweep her off her feet for marriage after she's finished college. as comforting as this notion is, it's also not appealing to me because of the lack of proactivity on her part. no doubt he'll still be working where he is at now. if by coincidence i end up at the same place as him, then so be it. nothing is for certain, sure, but the thought of relocating after college to wherever he is distresses me. all my life, i've been meeting people who seem to know what they want; he knows that he wants to do something amazing with his life. do i? of course i do. yet also i don't know, because i don't know what that thing would be. do years increase my knowledge of my meaning in life? i hope it does. fresh out of one year of college, i'm filled with this feeling of inadequacy in terms of growing up. i've met people who are much more eloquent, self-possessed, socially versed. all i know is that i fight to be human all the time. i notice things that others tend not to or actively push away. i over-feel. i felt a lot when junot diaz said to me, "Small talk is a muscle that you develop. It takes a long, long time to grow it." so much. these words. so much.

so where am i now? constantly reassessing this won't help, heh. this is merely worry, that's why. it's not productive. but it helps, some. writing about it in my journal then writing again about it here, where words flow out more easily due to the sheer size of text i can type in a small amount of time.

so i miss him. a lot. and i am still learning.

and i feel like i can conquer the world today.

Wednesday, April 17 2013

Your boss wants action and you are the one to make things happen. Your ideas and thoughts will impress others, especially if you have the power to mold your ideas into a firm plan. Very productive conference calls will draw out the adjustments that need to be made on budgeting or advertising or some other important matter. Fresh challenges and initiatives light your enthusiasm now, as a new cycle begins--there is a powerful urge to be first or to come out on top. Away with the old and on to the new--let nobody and no thing stand between you and your objective! Headstrong impulses and rash courage may create mistakes so pay attention to your motivation. You and your family may talk about a summer vacation.

it's summer weather. i'm surprised. i miss summer in the surburbs.
getting tan with tennis people. tennis tournaments. alright, so it's march. but this weather and being outside in this weather and doing work outside in this weather makes me miss surburbia so, so much. listening to 80's 90's soft-rock  music in the car with the windows down. just sitting there in shorts with oh
bare skin and anything. that. is what i miss. especially sunlight and the back of the car against your bare legs. there is something - not sexy - beautiful about how things feel to bare skin. i'm just a summer girl, reminiscent of the song by leighton meester.
oranges. fruits. barefeet. this is why people go outside and tan. sunlight, after so long of rainy, wet days and staying inside - it's to get dark, sure, but it's twofold. it's to reacquiant yourself with the sun.

i just did 30 minutes of yoga in my dorm - bunk beds, smallest room in a hallway known for its small rooms.
i'm thinking i have a lot of work to do.
i'm thinking i don't really, but fear of having two days like the past two days impels me to want to do more work.
considering revamping my ipod completely. wiping out all the songs and putting in random new ones. it will force me to listen to more kinds of music.
i don't know what i say. i used to be good at blogging. now i'm a bit better at talking and less good at blogging. are these two skills inversed? i hope not.

it's not that i'm good at history because i like it. i've never thought of it, but i use organizational skills, logicking my way through things - memorizing things (which i love and is useful in bio, something i may actually be interested in) - that really help in making it easier to know figures, their dates...b.s.ing, essentially. thank you, ap euro.

huh? if there's no title u can't edit it? bitch.

is it.
now-10:30 - work on speech
10:30-11:00 - clean room
11:00-11:30 - speech
11:30-12:00 - EXERCISE =)
12:00-12:30 - shower and wash hair
12:30-1:00 - work on speech, if needed
--
By end of day,
ToDlist:
Job application
First draft speech ready
Write!

sor-ree.
there's no way in f*ck that I am doing NaNo this year. I believe it was (basically) a waste of time all those other years. Good writing does not merely stem from the subconscious. Writing quickly while you are conscious is writing crap. That is, writing quickly to fulfill a word count. That is itself is meaningless. The rush you get the first year after having completed your story is a one-time cheap rush only, and then you see your story.

Tatters of terribly writing, light-years away from the first draft you would have had, had you carefully plotted it out.

Shame.