missing
i miss you a lot. that's really all i have to say. i haven't written in a good week. i haven't actually written, it seems, in a good year. just watched both amy tan and elizabeth gilbert on creativity on tedtalks. watched amy tan's when i was a freshman/soph in high school, it struck me as deep, thought-provoking. but seeing it again, now, it seems a bit too simplistic. too scattered, no real one thought. interesting, of course, as thinking about the meaning of life is interesting, but not as provoking anymore.
gilbert's - a little more sophisticated. she talked about ruth stone's process of creativity, how poetry hits her like a physical force going through her, searching for a vessel, and that when she gets down a poem perfectly, she'd grabbed it by the tail and there it is on the page - backward.
i miss him a lot. does this ache fade? it will; it just seems to never - fade - until i see him again. and these moments are so raw; that's why they carve into my mind and i'm left looking at the remnants.
ai-yi-yi. ai-yi-yi. there is only distracting myself, for now. i'm not the type (at least not yet) to burn things, to throw away everything reminiscent of him. but i understand why people do things like that. because the feeling of missing feels not so much emptiness as negative energy that threatens to destroy your sanity, your happiness. because missing someone is actively digging yourself into a need that cannot be fulfilled. at least not on my part. not for at least another several days. and then what? two weeks of pure bliss. then's it move-out, and i won't see him the rest of summer (and ever? must not think that).
the scene truly paints me as the damsel in distress waiting for her man to sweep her off her feet for marriage after she's finished college. as comforting as this notion is, it's also not appealing to me because of the lack of proactivity on her part. no doubt he'll still be working where he is at now. if by coincidence i end up at the same place as him, then so be it. nothing is for certain, sure, but the thought of relocating after college to wherever he is distresses me. all my life, i've been meeting people who seem to know what they want; he knows that he wants to do something amazing with his life. do i? of course i do. yet also i don't know, because i don't know what that thing would be. do years increase my knowledge of my meaning in life? i hope it does. fresh out of one year of college, i'm filled with this feeling of inadequacy in terms of growing up. i've met people who are much more eloquent, self-possessed, socially versed. all i know is that i fight to be human all the time. i notice things that others tend not to or actively push away. i over-feel. i felt a lot when junot diaz said to me, "Small talk is a muscle that you develop. It takes a long, long time to grow it." so much. these words. so much.
so where am i now? constantly reassessing this won't help, heh. this is merely worry, that's why. it's not productive. but it helps, some. writing about it in my journal then writing again about it here, where words flow out more easily due to the sheer size of text i can type in a small amount of time.
so i miss him. a lot. and i am still learning.
gilbert's - a little more sophisticated. she talked about ruth stone's process of creativity, how poetry hits her like a physical force going through her, searching for a vessel, and that when she gets down a poem perfectly, she'd grabbed it by the tail and there it is on the page - backward.
i miss him a lot. does this ache fade? it will; it just seems to never - fade - until i see him again. and these moments are so raw; that's why they carve into my mind and i'm left looking at the remnants.
ai-yi-yi. ai-yi-yi. there is only distracting myself, for now. i'm not the type (at least not yet) to burn things, to throw away everything reminiscent of him. but i understand why people do things like that. because the feeling of missing feels not so much emptiness as negative energy that threatens to destroy your sanity, your happiness. because missing someone is actively digging yourself into a need that cannot be fulfilled. at least not on my part. not for at least another several days. and then what? two weeks of pure bliss. then's it move-out, and i won't see him the rest of summer (and ever? must not think that).
the scene truly paints me as the damsel in distress waiting for her man to sweep her off her feet for marriage after she's finished college. as comforting as this notion is, it's also not appealing to me because of the lack of proactivity on her part. no doubt he'll still be working where he is at now. if by coincidence i end up at the same place as him, then so be it. nothing is for certain, sure, but the thought of relocating after college to wherever he is distresses me. all my life, i've been meeting people who seem to know what they want; he knows that he wants to do something amazing with his life. do i? of course i do. yet also i don't know, because i don't know what that thing would be. do years increase my knowledge of my meaning in life? i hope it does. fresh out of one year of college, i'm filled with this feeling of inadequacy in terms of growing up. i've met people who are much more eloquent, self-possessed, socially versed. all i know is that i fight to be human all the time. i notice things that others tend not to or actively push away. i over-feel. i felt a lot when junot diaz said to me, "Small talk is a muscle that you develop. It takes a long, long time to grow it." so much. these words. so much.
so where am i now? constantly reassessing this won't help, heh. this is merely worry, that's why. it's not productive. but it helps, some. writing about it in my journal then writing again about it here, where words flow out more easily due to the sheer size of text i can type in a small amount of time.
so i miss him. a lot. and i am still learning.