Chicago Bulls Fire Jaden Ivey for Failing to Meet NBA Minimum on Baby Mamas and Cocaine Usage 
Justice Ketanji Jackson Says She Will Only Hear Oral Arguments on April 1st from Now On: ‘That Way I Can Always Claim I Was Just Joking’ 
Iranian President Clarifies: That Whole ‘Death to America’ Was a Misunderstanding; ‘We Really Meant Health to America!’ 
BREAKING: Trump Cuts Ties with Israel, Ends Hostilities in Iran, Orders Mass Arrests of Epstein Clients 
NASA Announces George Floyd as Backup Crew Member for Artemis III Lunar Landing 
Around the World
Iranian President Clarifies: That Whole ‘Death to America’ Was a Misunderstanding; ‘We Really Meant Health to America!’
Tehran, Iran – In a stunning diplomatic pivot that has left international observers reaching for their calendars to confirm it’s not April 1st, Iranian President...
France To Advise Iran On How To Surrender With Dignity
Paris, France — In a bold diplomatic initiative that has left international observers alternately baffled and unsurprised, President Emmanuel Macron today announced that France will...
Trump Appoints Afroman Chief Negotiator in Iran Conflict to Deploy Custom Diss Tracks in Bid to Force Regime Surrender
WASHINGTON, DC—In a personnel decision described by White House officials as “unconventional but tremendously effective,” President Donald Trump today appointed rapper Joseph “Afroman” Foreman as...
Local men dominate International Women’s Day celebration
SPRINGFIELD — In a display of what organizers described as “unprecedented solidarity and lived experience,” this year’s International Women’s Day event was headlined, moderated, keynoted,...
WATCH: Fat Gun: Doughboy
Fat Gun: Doughboy is a political documentary that follows the bizarre and covert diplomatic mission known only as Operation Doughboy—an alleged effort by U.S. Vice...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Women Too Stupid To Get I.D. Relieved To Not Have To Vote Anymore
In a stunning development hailed as both liberating and patriotic, millions of American women have reportedly been freed from the oppressive chore of voting following...
FACT CHECK: Ben Shapiro’s Eyebrows Grow in Direct Proportion to Number of Bombs Dropped in the Middle East
In a groundbreaking peer-reviewed study, researchers at the Institute for Things That Sound About Right have confirmed what internet commentators have long suspected: conservative commentator...
CNN adds Gavin Newsom to panel on ‘What It’s Like Being Black & Poor in America’
ATLANTA — In what network executives are calling a “definitive step toward radical empathy,” CNN has confirmed California Governor Gavin Newsom as the featured voice...
Local woman practices social justice by yelling at ice on her kitchen counter all day
SPRINGFIELD — In a powerful display of allyship that has neighbors quietly relocating their patio furniture farther away, local resident Karen Whitaker has dedicated her...
BREAKING: Dangerous Cold Weather Closes Schools So Kids Can Go Sledding
In a stunning display of progressive parenting and climate awareness, public schools across the northern United States shuttered their doors today due to dangerously cold...
Business News
‘$3 Gas is Outrageous!’ Says Woman Happy To Pay $5 Under Biden
Local resident Cora Upshin, a dedicated Democrat and self-described "principled consumer," took to X this week to voice her profound dismay over skyrocketing fuel costs....
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true
US—The United States declared a national emergency Tuesday after intelligence agencies confirmed what had long been whispered in dimly lit basements and suspiciously active comment...
AOC: ‘We don’t need farmers. We can get all our food from the grocery store’
Everyone’s making a big deal about Dutch farmers uniting and the possibility that they may "stop working" because of the government mandates. But I’m not worried. Why...
LIFE HACK: How to write off your involuntary donation to ‘Quality Learing Center’ on your taxes
In these trying economic times, savvy taxpayers are always on the lookout for clever ways to reduce their burden to Uncle Sam. Enter one of...
BREAKING: Billionaires fly private jets to Davos to lecture everyone else about reducing emissions
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Hundreds of the world's richest people have flown their private jets to this luxury Alpine ski resort in order to lecture the world about...
AOC: If Trump Is So Great, Why Did My SUV Hold $100 Worth of Gas Under Biden and Only Holds $65 Now Under Trump?
Accountability starts at the pump. That’s why I’ve been reflecting on a glaring inconsistency that’s impossible to ignore: If Donald Trump’s second term is the...
Science Grid
NASA Announces George Floyd as Backup Crew Member for Artemis III Lunar Landing
Houston, TX – In a bold move to promote inclusivity and “lived experience” in space exploration, NASA confirmed Tuesday that George Floyd has been selected...
AOC congratulates Cuba on achieving Net Zero with recent blackouts
In a groundbreaking development hailed by progressive climate advocates, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) today issued a statement congratulating the Republic of Cuba on finally achieving...
Trans Rep. McBride Wins ‘Mansplainer of the Year’ Award for Keynote at ‘What It’s Like to Be a Woman’ Conference
WASHINGTON — In a ceremony described by organizers as “both historic and inevitable,” Delaware Rep. Sarah McBride was awarded the 2026 Mansplainer of the Year...
Op-Ed: If Climate Change Isn’t Real, Then Why Are There No More Penguins On the North Pole?
Critics of the strategy, mostly confined to people who read past the headline, have pointed out that the last time a strongly-worded letter produced measurable...
STAR TREK: Woketard Academy Episode 1
In the not-so-distant future of 24th-century wokeness, welcome to Star Trek: Woketard Academy — where merit is microaggression, competence is colonialism, and the only thing...
Greta Thunberg’s Global Warming Conference cancelled due to sub-arctic freezing temps
A symposium sponsored by the International Global Warming Trust was cancelled today in Michigan as temperatures dipped below -50 degrees F. Greta Thunberg, fresh off...
Featured Articles
WATCH: Fat Gun: Doughboy
Fat Gun: Doughboy is a political documentary that follows the bizarre and covert diplomatic mission known only as Operation Doughboy—an alleged effort by U.S. Vice...
Deep Thoughts by AOC Episode 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFoOcDfHbH8 🌀 Deep Thoughts by AOC — Episode 1 Step into the shimmering world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s consciousness, where ideas flow as freely as government...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo Chad Furthingrotten and Karen Bubbletitch....
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
Health Grid
BREAKING: Senator Lindsey Graham hospitalized with prolonged erection after US bombs Iran
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what medical professionals are calling a...
People who didn’t accept themselves as they were demand you accept them for who they are
SPRINGFIELD — In a joint statement delivered via a synchronized TikTok live from the back room of a downtown queer coffee shop, the Springfield Trans...
Trump gains liberal support by renaming ICE ‘Planned Citizenship’
In an appeal to pro-choice progressives protesting the detention center at the Mexican border, President Trump has renamed the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency...
Leftists Protest new MAHA Food Pyramid by Staging ‘Processed-Carbs-Only’ Sit-in Marathon
WASHINGTON, DC—Dozens of activists gathered on the National Mall today to protest the newly released Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2025-2030, which feature an inverted food...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
JUST IN: Brave young Democrat influencers cut off their testicles in protest of Trump
In an unprecedented display of political fervor, a group of young, progressive activists known as the "Brave Democrats" - comprised of Harry Sisson, David Hogg,...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
2001: A Space Odyssey Remake Highlights HAL 9000 with ChatGPT Upgrade
Los Angeles, March 2026 — In a move that has already been described as “both inevitable and deeply unnecessary,” Warner Bros. Discovery confirmed today that...
Iranian general writes scathing 1-star review for Chinese military drones purchased on Temu
Tehran, Iran — In a scathing internal review leaked to Western intelligence agencies (and promptly posted on a public Telegram channel titled “IRGC Bargain Bin...
Pam Bondi’s Pedometer Stuck On ‘0’ Despite Busy Day of Pacing the Halls of Justice
Washington, D.C. — In a development that has left fitness trackers across the capital utterly perplexed, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi reported today that her...
Mobile Shopping Trends Transforming E-Commerce
Mobile Shopping Trends Transforming E-Commerce Mobile shopping did not just make online purchases more convenient. It changed how people think while they shop. Instead of...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
