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The Violence in Your Vocabulary

March 13, 2026
Actionable Insights, Article, Communication, Dialogue, Nonviolence, Nonviolent Communication
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The Violence in Your Vocabulary

You don’t carry a weapon. You’ve never thrown a punch. But every day, you wage a quiet war — with your words, your framing, your unexamined habits of thought.

Most people think of violence as something that happens out there. It’s the news headline, the conflict zone, the crime statistic. It belongs to other people — the aggressive, the radical, the unhinged. We tell ourselves we’re peaceful. We’re reasonable. We just talk.

But what if the way we talk is part of the problem?

Not in a dramatic, censorship-heavy, watch-your-language kind of way. Something far more subtle and far more corrosive. The argument I want to make here is simple but uncomfortable: the structure of ordinary, everyday speech — the kind you and I use without thinking — carries within it the seeds of the very violence we claim to reject.

The Courtroom in Your Mouth

Listen to how people talk when they disagree. Not politicians or pundits — regular people. Friends at a dinner table. Colleagues on a call. Partners in the kitchen.

“You always do this.” “That’s wrong.” “You should have known better.” “They deserve what they got.”

Notice the shape of these sentences. They’re verdicts. Every one of them places the speaker in the role of judge and the other person in the dock. There’s no curiosity in them, no openness. Just a gavel coming down.

We’ve built a mode of speech — and therefore a mode of thought — around judgement, blame, and moral classification. Good people and bad people. Right and wrong. Deserving and undeserving. We sort the world into these bins so automatically that it doesn’t even feel like a choice. It feels like seeing clearly.

But it isn’t clarity. It’s a habit. And it’s a habit that makes violence feel logical.

How Language Becomes a Fist

Here’s the mechanism, and it’s worth sitting with:

When you label someone as wrong, stupid, evil, or deserving of punishment, you’ve performed a mental operation that strips them of their full humanity. You’ve turned a person — complicated, contradicted, shaped by a thousand forces you’ve never seen — into a category. And categories are easy to dismiss. Easy to punish. Easy to destroy.

This is not an exaggeration. Every large-scale act of violence in human history was preceded by a linguistic one. Before you can hurt a group of people, you have to name them in a way that makes hurting them feel reasonable. The machete follows the metaphor.

But we don’t have to look at genocide to see this pattern. It plays out every day, at every scale. The parent who calls their child “lazy” has created a label that justifies anger. The manager who brands an employee “difficult” has written a story that justifies punishment, sanction or exclusion. The citizen who calls an entire group “those people” has drawn a border that justifies indifference or even hatred.

Language doesn’t just describe reality. It builds the stage on which we act.

The Invisible Ideology of “Should”

One of the most violent words in any language is should.

Not because it’s aggressive on its surface. But because of what it does underneath. “Should” imposes a demand on reality — on other people, on yourself — and then frames any deviation from that demand as a failure deserving of punishment. It is the grammar of control disguised as the grammar of morality.

“He should be more responsible.” Translation: he isn’t meeting my standard, and I’m entitled to my frustration.

“They shouldn’t have done that.” Translation: they violated my expectation, and consequences are now justified.

“I should have known better.” Translation: I failed my own test, and I deserve to suffer for it.

Every “should” is a small act of violence — against the complexity of being human. People don’t behave the way they do because they’re defective. They behave the way they do because of needs, fears, histories, and conditions that “should” has no interest in understanding.

We Think in War Metaphors and Wonder Why We Fight

Pay attention, for even a single day, to the metaphors embedded in ordinary English. You’ll find a battlefield:

We attack an argument. We defend our position. We shoot down an idea. We target a demographic. We have killer apps, hostile takeovers, battles with illness, and wars on poverty. A good debate is one where someone destroys their opponent.

These aren’t just colourful expressions. Metaphors structure thought. When you frame a disagreement as a battle, your brain begins to treat the other person as an enemy. When you frame persuasion as conquest, collaboration becomes unthinkable. You cannot wage war and build understanding at the same time — not in geopolitics, and not in your head.

The linguist George Lakoff spent decades demonstrating how metaphors shape policy, perception, and moral reasoning (Lakoff & Johnson, 1980). We don’t just use metaphors to describe what we think. We use them to do our thinking. And when the metaphors are militaristic, the thinking follows.

The Alternative No One Taught You

There is another way to speak, and therefore another way to think. It doesn’t require you to become passive, or to suppress your feelings, or to tolerate what’s intolerable. It requires something harder: honesty without judgement.

The psychologist Marshall Rosenberg called it Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg, 2015), and at its core it’s devastatingly simple. Instead of evaluating people, you describe what you observe. Instead of blaming, you name what you feel. Instead of demanding, you express what you need. Instead of issuing ultimatums, you make refusable requests.

“You never listen to me” becomes “When I was speaking and you picked up your phone, I felt hurt, because I need to feel heard. Would you be willing to put your phone down when we talk?”

It sounds mechanical when you first encounter it. Almost clinical. But try it. Try replacing the verdict with the observation, the blame with the feeling, the demand with the request — and watch what happens to the conversation. Watch what happens to you. The shift isn’t cosmetic. It changes the entire operating system of the interaction. It’s the difference between a courtroom and a kitchen table.

Your Thinking Is Not Private

Here’s the part people resist most: you cannot speak violently and think peacefully. The way you talk to others — and the way you talk about others when they’re not in the room — is a mirror of your inner world. If your internal monologue is a stream of judgements, evaluations, and moral classifications, then your external life will be shaped by conflict. Not because you’re a bad person. But because you’re running violent software on peaceful hardware.

And this scales. A society that thinks in binaries — good and evil, us and them, right and wrong — will produce binary outcomes. Punishment instead of understanding. Exclusion instead of inclusion. War instead of negotiation. Not because anyone chose violence, but because the language made it feel like the only option.

This is what’s so insidious about it. The violence of everyday language doesn’t feel like violence. It feels like common sense. It feels like calling things what they are. But “calling things what they are” is never neutral. It’s always a choice — a framing, a lens, a story we’re telling about reality. And many of the stories we tell, without realising it, are stories that end in someone getting hurt.

So What Do You Do?

You start by listening. Not to others — to yourself.

Catch the next time you label someone. Notice the next “should” that crosses your mind. Pay attention to the metaphors you reach for when you’re frustrated or afraid. You don’t have to judge yourself for it. That would just be more of the same. Simply notice.

Then ask a different question. Not “who’s to blame?” but “what’s alive in this person right now?” Not “what do they deserve?” but “what do they need?” Not “how can I win this?” but “how can we both be heard?”

These aren’t soft questions. They’re the hardest questions you’ll ever ask, because they require you to abandon the comfort of certainty — the warm, addictive feeling of being right — and step into the discomfort of genuine curiosity.

But here’s the thing about that discomfort: it’s where peace actually lives. Not in the absence of conflict, but in the willingness to meet conflict without armour. Without verdicts. Without the quiet violence of a mind that has already decided who the enemy is before the conversation has even begun.

The revolution, if there is one, doesn’t start with policy or protest. It starts mid-thought and mid-sentence. It starts the moment you choose a different thought pattern, or word.

Further Reading

Lakoff, G. (2016). Moral politics: How liberals and conservatives think (3rd ed.). University of Chicago Press. (Original work published 1996)

Lakoff, G., & Johnson, M. (1980). Metaphors we live by. University of Chicago Press.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press. (Original work published 1999)

Wink, W. (1992). Engaging the powers: Discernment and resistance in a world of domination. Fortress Press.

Wink, W. (1998). The powers that be: Theology for a new millennium. Doubleday.

Your Software Requirements Are Worthless

September 13, 2025
Antimatter principle, Article, Attendants, Communication, Conversations, Needs, Opinioneering, Organisational effectiveness, Quantification
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Your Software Requirements Are Worthless

Every day, software teams burn millions of pounds building the wrong thing because they mistake fuzzy feelings and opinioneering for engineering specifications

Software teams continue writing requirements like ‘user-friendly’, ‘scalable’, and ‘high-performance’ as if these phrases mean anything concrete.

They don’t.

What they represent is ignorance (of quantification) disguised as intellectual laziness disguised as collaboration. When a product manager says an interface should be ‘intuitive’ and a developer nods in agreement, no communication has actually occurred. Both parties have simply agreed to postpone the hard work of thinking and talking until later—usually until users complain or products break.

The solution isn’t better communication workshops or more stakeholder alignment meetings. It’s operational definitions—the rigorous practice of quantifying every requirement so precisely that a computer could verify compliance.

What Are Operational Definitions?

An operational definition specifies exactly how to measure, observe, or identify something in terms that are meaningful to the Folks That Matter™. Instead of abstract concepts or assumptions, operational definitions state the precise criteria, procedures, or observable behaviours that determine whether something meets a standard—and why that standard creates value for those Folks That Matter™.

The term originates from scientific research, where researchers must ensure their experiments are replicable. Instead of saying a drug ‘improves patient outcomes’, researchers operationally define improvement as ‘a 15% reduction in Hamilton Depression Rating Scale scores measured by trained clinicians using the 17-item version at 6-week intervals, compared to baseline scores taken within 72 hours of treatment initiation, with measurements conducted between 9-11 AM in controlled clinical environments at 21°C ±2°C, amongst patients aged 18-65 with major depressive disorder diagnosed per DSM-5 criteria, excluding those with concurrent substance abuse or psychotic features’.

This example only scratches the surface—a complete operational definition would specify dozens more variables including exact clinician training protocols, inter-rater reliability requirements, patient positioning, statistical procedures, and missing data handling. This precision is what makes scientific breakthroughs reproducible and medical treatments safe.

The Software Development Challenge

Software teams constantly wrestle with ambiguous terms that everyone assumes they understand:

  • ‘This feature should be fast’
  • ‘The user interface needs to be intuitive’
  • ‘We need better code quality’
  • ‘This bug is critical’

These statements appear clear in conversation, but they’re loaded with subjective interpretations. What’s ‘fast’ to a backend engineer may be unacceptably slow to a mobile developer. ‘Intuitive’ means different things to designers, product managers, and end users.

Worse: these fuzzy requirements hide the real question—what specificaly do the Folks That Matter™ actually need?

How Operational Definitions Transform Software Teams

1. Connect Features to the Needs of the Folks That Matter™

Consider replacing ‘the API should be fast’ with an operational definition: ‘API responses return within 200ms for 95% of requests under normal load conditions, as measured by our monitoring system, enabling customer support agents to resolve inquiries 40% faster and increasing customer satisfaction scores by 15 points as measured on <date>.’

This eliminates guesswork, creates shared understanding across disciplines, and directly links technical decisions to the needs of the Folks That Matter™.

2. Turn Subjective Debates Into Objective Decisions

Operational definitions end pointless arguments about code quality. Stop debating whether code is ‘maintainable’. Define maintainability operationally:

  • Code coverage above 80% to reduce debugging time by 50%
  • Cyclomatic complexity below 10 per function to enable new team members to contribute within 2 weeks
  • No functions exceeding 50 lines to support 90% of feature requests completed within single sprint
  • All public APIs documented with examples to achieve zero external developer support tickets for basic integration

Each criterion ties directly to measurable benefits for the Folks That Matter™.

3. Accelerate Decision Making

With operationally defined acceptance criteria, teams spend less time in meetings clarifying requirements and more time attending to folks’ needs. Developers know exactly what ‘done’ looks like, and the Folks That Matter™ verify completion through measurable outcomes.

4. Bridge Cross-Functional Disciplines

Different roles think in different terms. Operational definitions create a common vocabulary focused on the needs of the Folks That Matter™:

  • Product: Transform ‘User-friendly’ into ‘Users complete the checkout flow within 3 steps, with less than 2% abandonment at each step, increasing conversion rates by 12% and generating £2M additional annual revenue‘
  • Design: Transform ‘Accessible’ into ‘Meets WCAG 2.1 AA standards as verified by automated testing and manual review, enabling compliance with federal accessibility requirements and expanding addressable market by 15%‘
  • Engineering: Transform ‘Scalable’ into ‘Handles 10x current load with response times under 500ms, supporting planned user growth without additional infrastructure investment for 18 months‘

5. Evolutionary Improvement

Operational definitions evolve as the needs of the Folks That Matter™ become clearer. Start with basic measurements, then refine scales of measure as you learn what truly drives value. A ‘fast’ system might initially mean ‘under 1 second response time’ but evolve into sophisticated performance profiles that optimise for different user contexts and business scenarios.

Real-World Implementation: Javelin’s QQO Framework

Some teams have already embraced this precision. Falling Blossoms’ Javelin process demonstrates operational definitions in practice through Quantified Quality Objectives (QQOs)—a systematic approach to transforming vague non-functional requirements into quasi or actual operational definitions.

Instead of accepting requirements like ‘the system should be reliable’ or ‘performance must be acceptable’, Javelin teams create detailed QQO matrices where every quality attribute gets operationally defined with:

  • Metric: Exact measurement method and scale
  • Current: Baseline performance (if known)
  • Best: Ideal target level
  • Worst: Minimum acceptable threshold
  • Planned: Realistic target for this release
  • Actual: Measured results for actively monitored QQOs
  • Milestone sequence: Numeric targets at specific dates/times throughout development

A Javelin team might operationally define ‘reliable’ as: ‘System availability measured monthly via automated uptime monitoring: 99.5% by March 1st (MVP launch), 99.7% by June 1st (full feature release), 99.9% by December 1st (enterprise rollout), with worst acceptable level never below 99.0% during any measurement period.’

This transforms the entire conversation. Instead of debating what ‘reliable enough’ means, teams focus on achievable targets, measurement infrastructure, and clear success criteria. QQO matrices grow organically as development progresses, following just-in-time elaboration of folks’ needs. Teams don’t over-specify requirements months in advance; they operationally define quality attributes exactly as needed for immediately upcoming development cycles.

This just-in-time approach prevents requirements from going stale whilst maintaining precision where it matters. A team might start with less than a dozen operationally defined QQOs for an MVP, then expand to hundreds as they approach production deployment and beyond—each new QQO addressing specific quality concerns as they become relevant to actual development work.

Toyota’s Product Development System (TPDS) demonstrates similar precision in manufacturing contexts through Set Based Concurrent Engineering (SBCE). Rather than committing to single design solutions early, Toyota teams define operational criteria for acceptable solutions—precise constraints for cost, performance, manufacturability, and quality. They then systematically eliminate design alternatives, at scheduled decision points, that fail to meet these quantified thresholds, converging on optimal solutions through measured criteria rather than subjective judgement.

Both Javelin’s QQOs and Toyota’s SBCE prove that operational definitions work at scale across industries—turning fuzzy requirements into systematic, measurable decision-making frameworks that deliver value to the Folks That Matter™.

Practical Examples in Software Development

User Story Acceptance Criteria

Before: ‘As a user, I want the search to be fast so I can find results quickly.’

After: ‘As a user, when I enter a search query, I should see results within 1 second for 95% of searches, with a loading indicator appearing within 100ms of pressing enter.’

Bug Priority Classification

Before: ‘This is a critical bug.’

After: ‘Priority 1 (Critical): Bug prevents core user workflow completion OR affects >50% of active users OR causes data loss OR creates security vulnerability.’

Code Review Standards

Before: ‘Code should be clean and well-documented.’

After: Operationally defined code quality standards with measurable criteria:

Documentation Requirements:

  • 100% of public APIs include docstrings with purpose, parameters, return values, exceptions, and working usage examples
  • Complex business logic (cyclomatic complexity >5) requires inline comments explaining the ‘why’, not the ‘what’
  • All configuration parameters documented with valid ranges, default values, and business impact of changes
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Reduces onboarding time for new developers from 4 weeks to 1.5 weeks, cuts external API integration support tickets by 80%

Code Structure Metrics:

  • Functions limited to 25 lines maximum (excluding docstrings and whitespace)
  • Cyclomatic complexity below 8 per function as measured by static analysis tools
  • Maximum nesting depth of 3 levels in any code block
  • No duplicate code blocks exceeding 6 lines (DRY principle enforced via automated detection)
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Reduces bug fix time by 60%, enables 95% of feature requests completed within single sprint

Naming and Clarity:

  • Variable names must be pronounceable and searchable (no abbreviations except industry-standard: id, url, http)
  • Boolean variables/functions use positive phrasing (isValid not isNotInvalid)
  • Class/function names describe behaviour, not implementation (PaymentProcessor not StripeHandler)
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Reduces code review time by 40%, decreases bug report resolution from 3 days to 8 hours average

Security and Reliability:

  • Zero hardcoded secrets, credentials, or environment-specific values in source code
  • All user inputs validated with explicit type checking and range validation
  • Error handling covers all failure modes with logging at appropriate levels
  • All database queries use parameterised statements (zero string concatenation)
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Eliminates 90% of security vulnerabilities, reduces production incidents by 75%

Testing Integration:

  • Every new function includes unit tests with >90% branch coverage
  • Integration points include contract tests verifying interface expectations
  • Performance-critical paths include benchmark tests with acceptable thresholds defined
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Reduces regression bugs by 85%, enables confident daily deployments

Review Process Metrics:

  • Code reviews completed within 4 business hours of submission
  • Maximum 2 review cycles before merge (initial review + addressing feedback)
  • Review comments focus on maintainability, security, and business logic—not style preferences
  • Value to the Folks That Matter™: Maintains development velocity whilst ensuring quality, reduces feature delivery time by 25%

Performance Requirements

Before: ‘The dashboard should load quickly.’

After: ‘Dashboard displays initial data within 2 seconds on 3G connection, with progressive loading of additional widgets completing within 5 seconds total.’

The Competitive Advantage

Teams that master operational definitions gain significant competitive advantages:

  • Faster delivery cycles from reduced requirement clarification—deploy features 30-50% faster than competitors
  • Higher quality output through measurable standards—reduce post-release defects by 60-80%
  • Improved confidence from the Folks That Matter™ from predictable, verifiable results—increase project approval rates and budget allocations
  • Reduced technical debt through well-defined standards—cut maintenance costs whilst enabling rapid feature development
  • Better team morale from decreased frustration and conflict—retain top talent and attract better candidates

Most importantly: organisations that operationally define their quality criteria can systematically out-deliver competitors who rely on subjective judgement.

Start Today

Choose one ambiguous term your team uses frequently and spend 30 minutes defining it operationally. Ask yourselves:

  1. What value does this QQO deliver to the Folks That Matter™?
  2. What specific, observable criteria determine if this value is achieved?
  3. What scale of measure will we use—percentage, time, count, ratio?
  4. How will we measure this, and how often?
  5. What does ‘good enough’ look like vs. ‘exceptional’ for the Folks That Matter™?

Aim for precision that drives satisfaction of folks’ needs, not perfection. Even rough operational definitions linked to the needs of the Folks That Matter™ provide more clarity than polished ambiguity.

Implementation Strategy

Start Small and Build Consensus

Begin by operationally defining one or two concepts that cause the most confusion in your team. Start with:

  • Definition of ‘done’ for user stories linked to specific value for the Folks That Matter™
  • Bug severity levels tied to business impact measures
  • Performance benchmarks connected to user experience goals
  • Code standards that enable measurable delivery improvements

Define Scales of Measure

Write operational definitions that specify not just the criteria, but the scale of measure—the unit and method of measurement. Include:

  • Measurement method: How you will measure (automated monitoring, user testing, code analysis)
  • Scale definition: Units of measure (response time in milliseconds, satisfaction score 1-10, defect rate per thousand lines)
  • Measurement infrastructure: Tools, systems, and processes needed
  • Frequency: How often measurements occur and when they’re reviewed
  • Connection to the Folks That Matter™: What business need each measurement serves

Evolve Based on Learning

Operational definitions evolve as you learn what truly drives meeting the needs of the Folks That Matter™. Start with basic measurements, then refine scales as you discover which metrics actually predict success. Regular retrospectives can examine not just whether definitions were met, but whether they satisfied the intended needs of the Folks That Matter™.

Document and Automate

Store operational definitions in accessible locations—team wikis, README files, or project documentation. Automate verification through CI/CD pipelines, monitoring dashboards, and testing frameworks wherever possible. The goal is measurement infrastructure that runs automatically and surfaces insights relevant to the needs of the Folks That Matter™.

Conclusion

Operational definitions represent a paradigm shift from ‘we all know what we mean’ to ‘we are crystal clear about what value we’re delivering to the Folks That Matter™’. In software development, where precision enables competitive advantage and the satisfaction of the needs of the Folks That Matter™ determines success, this shift separates organisations that struggle with scope creep and miscommunication from those that systematically out-deliver their competition.

Creating operational definitions pays dividends in reduced rework, faster delivery, happier teams, and measurable value for the Folks That Matter™. Most importantly, it transforms software development from a guessing game into a needs-meeting discipline—exactly what markets demand as digital transformation accelerates and user expectations rise.

Operational definitions aren’t just about better requirements. They’re about systematic competitive advantage through measurable satisfaction of the needs of the Folks That Matter™.

Take action: Pick one fuzzy requirement from your current sprint. Define it operationally in terms of specific needs of the Folks That Matter™. Watch how this precision changes every conversation your team has about priorities, trade-offs, and success.

Further Reading

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Beck, K. (2000). Extreme programming explained: Embrace change. Addison-Wesley.

Cockburn, A. (2004). Crystal clear: A human-powered methodology for small teams. Addison-Wesley.

DeMarco, T. (1982). Controlling software projects: Management, measurement, and estimation. Yourdon Press.

DeMarco, T., & Lister, T. (2013). Peopleware: Productive projects and teams (3rd ed.). Addison-Wesley.

Falling Blossoms. (2006). Our Javelin™ process (Version 2.0a). Falling Blossoms.

Gilb, T. (1988). Principles of software engineering management. Addison-Wesley.

Gilb, T. (2005). Competitive engineering: A handbook for systems engineering management using Planguage. Butterworth-Heinemann.

Gilb, T., & Graham, D. (1993). Software inspection. Addison-Wesley.

Hamilton, M. (1960). A rating scale for depression. Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery, and Psychiatry, 23(1), 56-62.

Kennedy, M. N., & Harmon, K. (2008). Ready, set, dominate: Implement Toyota’s set-based learning for developing products and nobody can catch you. Oaklea Press.

Morgan, J. M., & Liker, J. K. (2006). The Toyota product development system: Integrating people, process, and technology. Productivity Press.

Sobel, A. E., & Clarkson, M. R. (2002). Formal methods application: An empirical tale of software system development. IEEE Transactions on Software Engineering, 28(3), 308-320.

W3C Web Accessibility Initiative. (2018). Web content accessibility guidelines (WCAG) 2.1. World Wide Web Consortium.

Ward, A. C. (2007). Lean product and process development. Lean Enterprise Institute.

Weinberg, G. M. (1985). The secrets of consulting: A guide to giving and getting advice successfully. Dorset House.

Yourdon, E. (1997). Death march: The complete software developer’s guide to surviving ‘mission impossible’ projects. Prentice Hall.

The Key to Better Dialogue: Why Judging Others Kills Conversation

July 31, 2025
Article, Communication, Dialogue, Relationships
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The Key to Better Dialogue: Why Judging Others Kills Conversation

There’s a fundamental truth about dialogue that most of us overlook in our eagerness to be right: if you start from the premise that there’s something wrong with you (the other person), we stand little chance of dialogue. But if we start from the premise there could be something wrong with me, dialogue becomes possible.

This isn’t just about being nice or polite. It’s about creating the basic conditions that allow genuine conversation to exist at all.

When ‘You’re Wrong’ Shuts Everything Down

Picture this: You enter a conversation already convinced that the other person is misinformed, biased, or fundamentally flawed in their thinking. Perhaps they hold political views you find abhorrent, or they’ve made decisions you consider foolish, or they simply come from a background you don’t understand or trust.

What happens to your listening? You’re not really hearing what they’re saying—you’re cataloguing evidence for why they’re wrong. You’re not exploring their reasoning—you’re waiting for openings to correct them. You’re not genuinely curious about their perspective—you’ve already diagnosed their problem.

This isn’t dialogue. It’s a prosecution where you’ve already reached a verdict.

I see this constantly in political conversations, workplace disputes, and family arguments. Someone enters the exchange having already decided the other person is the problem. They may go through the motions of listening, but they’re really just gathering ammunition. The other person senses this immediately, and the conversation becomes defensive, superficial, or openly hostile.

The Transformation of ‘I Might Be Wrong’

Now consider the alternative: What if you entered conversations genuinely open to the possibility that you might be the one who’s mistaken, missing something, or operating from incomplete information?

This doesn’t mean being a pushover or abandoning your convictions. It means approaching dialogue with authentic curiosity rather than predetermined judgement. It means believing that the other person might have something valuable to teach you, even if you disagree with them.

When you operate from this premise, everything changes:

You listen differently. Instead of listening for flaws in their argument, you listen for insights you might have missed.

You ask different questions. Rather than interrogating to expose their weaknesses, you inquire to understand their reasoning.

You create space for honesty. The other person can sense that you’re not trying to defeat them, which makes them more likely to share their genuine thoughts rather than defensive talking points.

The Psychology Behind the Paradox

Why does this work? It comes down to what dialogue actually requires to function.

Dialogue requires genuine curiosity about the other person’s perspective. When you’ve already decided they’re wrong, curiosity becomes impossible. You’re not exploring—you’re confirming.

Dialogue also requires trust and openness from both parties. When someone senses you’ve prejudged them as flawed or foolish, they stop being vulnerable with their real thoughts and start performing or defending instead.

Perhaps most importantly, dialogue requires the possibility of mutual influence. If you’ve already decided the other person has nothing valid to offer, you’ve eliminated half of what makes conversation worthwhile.

What This Looks Like in Practice

In a political discussion, instead of thinking ‘this person is clearly brainwashed by their media bubble,’ you might approach it as ‘I wonder what experiences or information led them to this view that seems so different from mine.’

In a workplace disagreement, rather than assuming your colleague is being difficult or unreasonable, you might consider ‘what am I not seeing about this situation that makes sense from their perspective?’

In a family conflict, instead of cataloguing all the ways the other person is being unfair or unrealistic, you might ask yourself ‘what valid concerns might they have that I’m dismissing too quickly?’

The Paradox of Influence

Here’s the remarkable thing: when you stop trying to change someone’s mind and start genuinely trying to understand it, you often end up with more influence, not less.

People can sense when you’re truly listening versus when you’re just waiting to pounce. When they feel heard and understood, they become more open to hearing you in return. When they sense you’re approaching them as a whole person rather than a problem to be solved, they’re more likely to engage authentically.

This doesn’t guarantee you’ll reach agreement, but it dramatically increases the chances of productive disagreement—the kind where both parties learn something and the relationship survives the conversation.

The Guardrails

Of course, this approach requires wisdom and boundaries. There’s a difference between intellectual humility and naive gullibility. You can be open to being wrong whilst still maintaining your critical faculties.

Good dialogue partners hold their views provisionally whilst engaging seriously with alternatives. They assume good faith in others whilst remaining alert to bad faith. They stay curious about perspectives that challenge them whilst not abandoning their core values.

This also doesn’t mean accepting abuse or engaging with people who are clearly arguing in bad faith. Sometimes the most productive thing is to recognise when genuine dialogue isn’t possible and disengage respectfully.

The Ripple Effect

When you approach conversations assuming you might be the one who’s wrong, you don’t just improve your own learning—you model what good faith engagement looks like. You create permission for others to be uncertain, to admit when they don’t know something, to change their minds without losing face.

You also break the cycle of defensive communication that keeps so many conversations stuck in unproductive patterns. When one person stops attacking, the other often stops defending, and space opens up for something more genuine.

The Bottom Line

The path to better dialogue isn’t through superior arguments or clever rhetorical techniques—it’s through approaching others with genuine curiosity rather than predetermined judgement.

Start from the premise that you might be missing something important, that the other person might have valid reasons for their views, that the conversation might teach you something you didn’t expect to learn.

This isn’t about being weak or abandoning your convictions. It’s about being strong enough to engage with ideas that challenge you, curious enough to explore perspectives that seem foreign, and wise enough to recognise that good people can disagree about important things.

The next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, try this shift. Instead of diagnosing what’s wrong with them, get curious about what you might be missing. You might be surprised by how much more productive the dialogue becomes when both people feel they have something valuable to contribute.

Further Reading

Bohm, D. (1996). On dialogue. Routledge.

Brown, P., & Levinson, S. C. (1987). Politeness: Some universals in language usage. Cambridge University Press.

Buber, M. (1970). I and thou (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). T&T Clark. (Original work published 1923)

Gadamer, H. G. (2013). Truth and method (J. Weinsheimer & D. G. Marshall, Trans.). Bloomsbury Academic. (Original work published 1960)

Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue: The art of thinking together. Currency.

Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. Penguin Books.

Tannen, D. (1998). The argument culture: Moving from debate to dialogue. Random House.

How Chatbots Can Help You Become Better at Talking to Humans

July 9, 2025
AI, Article, Communication, Conversations
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How Chatbots Can Help You Become Better at Talking to Humans

The Surprising Ways that AI Conversations Can Sharpen Human Communication Skills

At first glance, the idea seems almost absurd. How could talking to a computer possibly make you better at talking to people? After all, chatbots don’t have feelings, don’t pick up on subtle social cues, and certainly don’t get offended when you phrase something awkwardly. Yet a growing body of evidence suggests that regular interaction with AI assistants and chatbots can actually enhance our human-to-human communication skills in unexpected and powerful ways.

The Safe Practice Arena

Think of chatbot interactions as a communication gym—a place where you can work out your conversational muscles without the immediate social risks that come with human interaction. When you’re talking to a chatbot, there’s no fear of judgement, no worry about saying the wrong thing, and no concern about hurting someone’s feelings. This creates an ideal environment for experimentation and growth.

Paradoxically, this same safe space allows people to actively explore those very social concerns they don’t have to worry about. Users regularly ask chatbots to help them navigate sensitive conversations, review their communication for tone, or practise difficult discussions before having them with real people. The AI becomes both a judgement-free practice partner and a consultant for social navigation.

In this low-pressure setting, people often find themselves being more direct, asking clearer questions, and expressing their thoughts more precisely than they might in face-to-face conversations. The chatbot’s neutral response to unclear communication provides immediate feedback: if the AI doesn’t understand what you’re asking, you quickly learn to rephrase and clarify. This iterative process naturally develops skills that transfer directly to human interactions.

Learning Constructive Over Defensive Patterns

One of the most valuable aspects of this safe practice environment is how it naturally discourages defensive communication patterns whilst reinforcing constructive ones. When an AI interaction becomes challenging or frustrating—perhaps the system repeatedly misunderstands your request or provides unhelpful responses—you quickly discover that reactive behaviours like getting argumentative, sarcastic, or dismissive simply don’t work.

You cannot intimidate an AI into compliance, guilt-trip it into better performance, or win through verbal dominance. These dead-end approaches force you to develop genuinely constructive alternatives: rephrasing your request more clearly, providing better context, breaking down complex problems into smaller pieces, or approaching the issue from a different angle entirely.

This practice builds resilience against our natural tendency towards defensive communication when things get difficult. In human interactions, frustration often triggers defensive patterns—blame, criticism, withdrawal, or escalation. But AI interaction teaches you to stay in problem-solving mode even when communication breaks down, creating habits that prove invaluable when navigating challenging conversations with colleagues, family members, or clients.

The Art of Clear Communication

One of the most valuable skills that chatbot interaction develops is the ability to communicate with precision and clarity. Unlike skilled humans, who can often infer meaning from context, body language, or shared experiences, chatbots require explicit, well-structured communication to provide helpful responses.

This constraint is actually a gift. When you regularly practise articulating your thoughts clearly enough for an AI to understand, you develop habits that make your human communications more effective too. You learn to:

  • State your main point upfront rather than burying it in context
  • Provide relevant background information without assuming knowledge
  • Break complex ideas into digestible pieces
  • Use specific rather than vague language

These skills prove invaluable in professional settings, where clear communication can mean the difference between a successful project and costly misunderstandings.

Active Listening in a Digital Age

Whilst chatbots don’t “listen” in the traditional sense, interacting with them effectively requires a form of active engagement that mirrors good listening skills. You must pay attention to their responses, notice when they’ve misunderstood something, and adjust your communication accordingly.

This process develops several transferable skills:

Attention to nuance: Even though chatbots don’t have emotions, they do have different “personalities” and communication styles. Learning to adapt your communication style to different AI personalities helps you become more flexible in human interactions too.

Response analysis: Regularly parsing chatbot responses for useful information whilst filtering out irrelevant details sharpens your ability to extract key points from human communication as well.

Patience with misunderstanding: Chatbots sometimes miss the mark, requiring you to rephrase or approach a topic differently. This builds tolerance for communication breakdowns and skills for working through them constructively.

The Confidence Factor

Perhaps one of the most significant ways chatbot interaction improves human communication is by building confidence. Many people struggle with social anxiety or feel uncertain about their communication skills. The non-judgemental nature of AI interaction provides a space to practise without fear.

Users often report feeling more comfortable expressing complex ideas, asking challenging questions, or even engaging in difficult conversations after regular chatbot use. This confidence boost stems from several factors:

  • Reduced performance anxiety: With no social consequences for “messing up”, people feel freer to experiment with different communication approaches
  • Immediate feedback: Quick responses help build conversational rhythm and timing
  • Success experiences: Successfully getting help or information from a chatbot builds confidence in one’s ability to communicate effectively

Learning to Ask Better Questions

Effective chatbot interaction requires developing strong question-asking skills. The quality of your questions directly determines the quality of the responses you receive. This creates a natural feedback loop that improves your inquiry abilities.

Proficient chatbot users learn to:

  • Ask specific rather than general questions
  • Provide context that helps frame their inquiries
  • Follow up with clarifying questions
  • Build on previous responses to deepen understanding

These questioning skills are amongst the most valuable tools for human interaction. People who ask thoughtful, well-framed questions tend to have richer conversations, build stronger relationships, and collaborate on solve problems more effectively.

Developing Metacognitive Awareness

One of the most profound but often overlooked benefits of chatbot interaction is how it enhances our awareness of communication itself as a process. When you interact with an AI, you’re forced to become conscious of your own mental model of how communication works—your assumptions about what’s “obvious”, your habits of explanation, and your default patterns of expression.

This metacognitive awareness extends in two crucial directions. First, you become more conscious of your own communication style and assumptions. When a chatbot misunderstands something you thought was perfectly clear, it reveals the gap between what you intended to communicate and what you actually expressed. This creates a heightened awareness of the difference between knowing something and successfully conveying it to another mind.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, regular chatbot interaction develops your ability to model the mental states of your communication recipients. To communicate effectively with an AI, you must constantly consider: What does this system know? What context is it missing? How does it process information? This practice of perspective-taking—imagining another entity’s knowledge state and processing style—directly strengthens your theory of mind skills with humans.

Users often report that after extensive chatbot use, they become more aware of when they’re making assumptions about others’ knowledge, more sensitive to providing appropriate context, and better at recognising when someone might be processing information differently than they are. This enhanced awareness of both your own communication patterns and others’ mental states represents one of the most valuable transferable skills from AI interaction.

Of course, this assumes a willingness to recognise room for improvement—something many people struggle with. A significant portion of communication breakdowns stem from individuals who believe their own communication is already perfectly clear, thank you very much. The beauty of chatbot interaction is that it provides feedback that feels more neutral and less personal than human reactions. When an AI consistently misunderstands your requests, it’s difficult to blame the recipient’s intelligence or attention span. This can create moments of genuine self-reflection that might not occur in human interactions, where it’s often easier to assume the other person simply “didn’t get it”.

Empathy Through Perspective-Taking

Whilst chatbots don’t have feelings, effective interaction with them requires a form of perspective-taking that develops empathy muscles. You consider how the AI processes information, what kinds of inputs work well, how to frame requests in ways that align with the system’s capabilities, and how to adapt to its particular personality and communication style.

This practice of considering another entity’s “perspective”—even an artificial one—strengthens the ability to understand and accommodate different viewpoints in human interactions. Chatters often report becoming more patient and understanding with people who communicate differently or need information presented in specific ways.

Perhaps more importantly, AI interaction builds what we might call “nonviolence muscles” in communication. When a conversation with an AI becomes frustrating or goes sideways, you quickly learn that you cannot “win” through dominance, emotional manipulation, or defensive tactics. These approaches simply don’t work with AI systems. Instead, you’re forced to find patient, constructive ways to work through miscommunication. You must practise meeting the system where it is rather than where you wish it were—a fundamental empathy skill that transfers directly to human relationships.

This training in non-reactive, constructive communication proves invaluable in professional settings where conflict resolution and difficult conversations are common. Organisational psychotherapists, managers, and others in people-focused roles often find that their AI interaction practice enhances their ability to stay centred and solution-focused when human emotions and defensive patterns emerge.

The Iteration Mindset

One of the most powerful lessons from chatbot interaction is the value of iteration. When a chatbot doesn’t understand or provides an unsatisfactory response, the natural reaction is to try again with a different approach. This builds comfort with the back-and-forth nature of communication and reduces the tendency to give up after a single misunderstanding.

In human interactions, this translates to:

  • Greater persistence in working through communication challenges
  • Comfort with clarifying and re-explaining when needed
  • Reduced frustration when initial attempts at communication don’t succeed
  • Understanding that good communication often requires multiple exchanges

Building Emotional Intelligence

Whilst chatbots lack emotions, skilled users learn to recognise when their communication style might be hindering effective interaction. This meta-awareness of your own communication patterns—how you ask questions, frame problems, or express needs—naturally extends to human interactions.

Users often discover communication habits they weren’t aware of, such as being too vague, assuming too much background knowledge, or failing to provide necessary context. This self-awareness is a crucial component of emotional intelligence.

The Feedback Loop Effect

Perhaps most importantly, regular chatbot interaction creates a positive feedback loop for communication skills. As users become more effective at AI interaction, they gain confidence and skills that improve their human interactions. These improved human interactions, in turn, provide insights and experiences that make them even better at communicating with both AI and human partners.

Putting It All Together

The key to leveraging chatbot interaction for human communication improvement lies in mindful practice. Simply using AI tools isn’t enough—you need to pay attention to what works, what doesn’t, and how your communication patterns affect outcomes.

Some practical approaches include:

  • Reflect on successful interactions: When a chatbot conversation goes particularly well, consider what made it effective
  • Notice your communication patterns: Pay attention to how you phrase requests and questions
  • Experiment with different approaches: Try various communication styles and observe the results
  • Apply lessons to human interactions: Consciously transfer skills learned from AI interaction to your human relationships

The Future of Communication Skills

As AI becomes increasingly integrated into our daily lives, the ability to communicate effectively with both artificial and human intelligences will become even more valuable. The skills developed through thoughtful chatbot interaction—clarity, precision, patience, and adaptability—represent foundational communication competencies for the future.

Rather than seeing AI interaction as separate from human communication, we can view it as complementary training that enhances our overall ability to connect, collaborate, and communicate effectively. In a world where clear communication is increasingly important, every opportunity to practise and improve these skills—whether with humans or machines—represents valuable preparation for success.

The next time you interact with a chatbot, remember that you’re not just seeking information or assistance. You’re participating in a unique form of communication practice that can make you a more effective, confident, and skilled communicator in all your relationships. The future belongs to those who can communicate well with any intelligence—artificial or otherwise.

Punching Your Customers in the Face Won’t Work

January 29, 2025
Antimatter principle, Article, Attendants, Communication, Customers, Language, Marketing, Nonviolence, Nonviolent Communication, Psychology, Relationships, Trust
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Punching Your Customers in the Face Won’t Work

[How implicit violence is a real turn-off in Marcomms]

“If you want people to buy your stuff (products, services, ideas, w.h.y.) punch them in the face. And keep punching them until they pony up the dosh.”

It’s a statement that perfectly captures what’s wrong with much of today’s marketing landscape. You’ve seen it everywhere: the endless popup notifications, the aggressive email campaigns, the pushy sales calls, the telling people what they “should” do. And the relentless social media ads that seem to follow us across the internet like a determined stalker.

The Seductive Logic of Aggressive Marketing

The reasoning behind such aggressive tactics seems sound at first glance. After all, in a world of information overload, you need to break through the noise. You need to be noticed. You need to be remembered. And what better way than to keep hammering away at your potential customers until they finally give in?

This approach assumes that persistence equals persuasion, that annoyance eventually leads to acceptance, and that if you just keep “punching” long enough, people will eventually surrender their dosh in self-defense.

The Marketer’s Dilemma

Let’s pause for a moment to acknowledge a real frustration that many marketers face. Your company has created something valuable. You’ve poured time, energy, and resources into developing a product or service that could genuinely improve people’s lives. You see people struggling with problems that your offering could solve, yet they scroll past, ignore your messages, or dismiss your solution without giving it a fair chance.

It’s maddening. You know the value is there. You’ve seen it transform lives. You have testimonials proving it works. So when people don’t even take the time to even listen to what you’re offering, it’s tempting to think that maybe they need a stronger push – a metaphorical “punch” to wake them up to what they’re missing.

This frustration often leads to an escalation in marketing tactics. It’s a natural human response – when we feel ignored or dismissed, our primitive brain can trigger an aggressive response. We see this pattern everywhere from toddlers throwing tantrums to adults road rage. That same instinct can surface in marketing: if gentle nudges aren’t working, maybe it’s time for a shove. If whispers are being ignored, maybe it’s time to shout. If they won’t listen to reason, maybe they need to feel some pain.

This descent into aggressive tactics is completely understandable from a psychological perspective. Frustration naturally breeds combative responses – it’s wired into our survival instincts. But in marketing, as in most modern social interactions, this escalation typically makes things much worse, not better.

The Language of Force

What makes this situation even more toxic is how this aggression seeps into our marketing language. We deploy what might be called “weasel words” – seemingly innocuous terms that rankle, that surreptitiously undermine trust and create division. Think about common marketing phrases:

  • “You should act now!” (Creating artificial urgency while breeding shame and resentment)
  • “Obviously, this is an amazing deal” (Subtly shaming anyone who might disagree)
  • “Any reasonable person would jump at this opportunity” (Dismissing valid hesitation)
  • “Professional results guaranteed” (Using vague standards to trigger insecurity)
  • “You deserve better than your current solution” (Manipulating through false elevation)

These linguistic choices might seem strategic, but they’re actually subtle forms of violence against our audience. They create psychological pressure that people can sense, even if they can’t articulate why they feel uncomfortable with the message.

Why This Approach Fails

The problem is that this strategy fundamentally misunderstands human psychology and the dynamics of modern commerce. Here’s what actually happens when you try to “punch” your way to sales:

First, you trigger the psychological principle of reactance. When people feel their freedom of choice is being threatened, they instinctively resist. The harder you push, the stronger their resistance becomes.

Second, you damage trust. Every aggressive marketing tactic, every manipulative sales technique, every pushy follow-up erodes the foundation of trust that’s essential for any lasting business relationship.

Third, you create negative associations with your brand. When people associate your product or service with annoyance and pressure, they’re not just refusing to buy – they’re actively avoiding you and warning others to do the same. After all, few folks like getting punched in the face.

The Alternative: Building Relationships

Instead of throwing marketing punches, successful modern businesses are finding success through a radically different approach:

  • They share genuine value before asking for anything in return. They create helpful content, offer meaningful insights, and solve real problems for their audience – whether they buy or not.
  • They respect boundaries and practice permission-based marketing. They understand that trust is earned through consistency and respect, not conquered through persistence and pressure.
  • They focus on building relationships rather than closing sales. They know that a loyal customer who trusts your brand is worth far more than a dozen one-time buyers who feel manipulated into purchasing.
  • They choose language that invites rather than demands, that acknowledges rather than assumes, and that respects rather than manipulates. Instead of “You should buy now,” they might say “Here’s how this could help.” Instead of “Obviously, this is what you need,” they might share “Here’s what others have found valuable.” And cf. nonviolent communication (Rosenberg).

The Long Game

Yes, this approach takes longer. Yes, it requires more patience and creativity. And yes, it might mean watching some potential short-term sales slip away. But it builds something far more valuable: a sustainable business based on trust, respect, and mutual benefit.

The next time you’re tempted to “punch” your way to sales, remember: The goal isn’t to win a fight – it’s to win trust. Not to knock people down, but to lift them up. Not to wear them down until they buy, but to build them up until they can’t imagine not being your customer.

In the end, the most effective marketing doesn’t leave bruises – it leaves lasting positive impressions that attend to folks’ needs, that turn customers into advocates and skeptics into believers.

The Hidden Power of Weasel Words: How Language Shapes Our Social Fabric

January 28, 2025
Article, Communication, Conversations, Culture change, Nonviolence, Nonviolent Communication, Psychology, Relationships
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The Hidden Power of Weasel Words: How Language Shapes Our Social Fabric

Words matter. They shape our thoughts, influence our behaviours, and mould the very fabric of our relationships and societies. Yet some of the most damaging words in our vocabulary slip by unnoticed, wielding their subtle influence day after day. These are what I call ‘weasel words’ – seemingly innocuous terms that undermine trust, create division, and erode social bonds.

Shoulding

Take the word ‘should’. It appears harmless enough, yet it carries an enormous weight of judgment and obligation. When we say “You should have finished this by now” or “We should be more productive”, we’re not merely making observations – we’re creating a gap between reality and an idealised standard. This gap breeds shame, resentment, and disconnection. What makes ‘should’ particularly toxic is how transparently — yet most subconsciously — manipulative it feels to those on the receiving end. When someone tells us we ‘should’ do something, we instinctively recognise it as an attempt to reshape our behaviour to their preferences, often masquerading as concern for our wellbeing. This breeds resistance and resentment, even when the underlying suggestion might have merit.

Arsenal

The arsenal of weasel words extends far beyond ‘should’. Consider how often we hear “just” used to minimise both messages and messengers: “I’m just saying…” or “I just thought…” This false humility often masks passive-aggressive intent. Or take “obviously” and “clearly” – words that subtly shame anyone who might not find something so apparent, creating hidden hierarchies of knowledge and understanding. “Actually” and “really” carry their own poisoned arrows. “Actually” arrives dressed as correction but delivers condescension. “Really?” questions not just facts but credibility and character. And let’s not forget the devastating simplicity of “joking” – that universal get-out clause for harmful comments that allows speakers to test boundaries while maintaining plausible deniability.

Deserving

‘Deserve’ is another seemingly positive word that actually perpetuates harmful social dynamics. “You deserve better” or “They don’t deserve success” might sound supportive or righteous, but this language reinforces a transactional view of human worth. It suggests that basic dignity, respect, and good fortune are earned rather than inherent. This mindset can justify everything from workplace discrimination to social inequality.

Professional

Perhaps one of the most insidious weasel words is ‘professional’. We use it as a compliment – “very professional approach” – or as criticism – “that’s not very professional”. Many employment contracts explicitly require “professionalism”. But what does it really mean? Often, it’s code for conforming to dominant cultural norms, suppressing individuality, or maintaining artificial boundaries. The concept of ‘professionalism’ frequently serves as a tool for enforcing social control and excluding those who don’t fit predetermined moulds. I call it bogus, and a prime example of self-violence.

Manipulation

The manipulation deepens with terms like “reasonable” and “normal” – words that establish arbitrary standards serving those in power. “Any reasonable person would agree…” becomes a weapon to dismiss valid disagreement. “That’s not normal behaviour” enforces conformity while obfuscating the question: normal according to whom?

The Media and Politics

Weasel words form the bedrock of modern media and political discourse. Watch any news programme or political debate and count how often these linguistic weapons appear. “The public deserves answers.” “The government should act now.” “Obviously, the opposition’s position is unreasonable.” Such language isn’t chosen by accident – it’s deliberately deployed to trigger emotional responses, create moral imperatives, and shape public opinion. Politicians and media figures weaponise these terms to manufacture consent, create artificial urgency, and establish moral hierarchies that serve their personal agendas. Weasel words don’t exist in isolation. They form part of a larger linguistic ecosystem that shapes how we think about ourselves and others. When we say someone ‘lacks commitment’, we’re not just describing their behaviour – we’re making assumptions about their character and worth. When we talk about ‘efficiency’, we’re often prioritising mechanical productivity over human connection and creativity. The solution isn’t to ban these words outright – that would be both impossible and counterproductive. Instead, if the quality of the social dynamic is important to us, we might choose to develop awareness of their impact and consciously choose alternatives that better serve our intended purpose. Rather than saying “You should improve your communication”, we might say “I notice some messages get misinterpreted. What are your thoughts on how we could make communication clearer?”

Genuine Connection?

This shift isn’t just about being nice or politically correct. It’s about creating social environments that foster genuine connection, innovation, and growth. When we remove the subtle judgment, coercion and downright violence embedded in weasel words, we create space for authentic dialogue and collaboration. Language evolves constantly, and today’s benign term might become tomorrow’s weasel word. Key is maintaining awareness of how our words affect others and being willing to adjust our vocabulary when we notice it causing harm or division. This isn’t about perfection – it’s about progression towards more thoughtful and inclusive communication.

Are YOU Bothered?

Next time you catch yourself about to use a weasel word, pause. Consider what you really want to accomplish. Are you expressing a genuine need or observation? Or are you unconsciously perpetuating patterns of judgment and division? The answers might surprise you – and they might just lead to more meaningful and effective communication. The words we choose shape the world we create. By becoming more conscious of our language, we take a step towards building the kind of communities and relationships we truly want to be part of. How have you noticed these or other weasel words affecting your relationships and communities? Do share. 🙂

Your Opinions are Worthless

January 21, 2025
Actionable Insights, Article, Communication
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Your Opinions are Worthless

The Defensive Chorus

It’s fascinating how certain individuals respond to being told their opinion isn’t needed—particularly those accustomed to holding court at every opportunity. The indignant spluttering, the wounded declarations about “free speech,” and the predictable accusations of rudeness tend to flow from precisely those whose opinions are most frequently unsolicited and least frequently supported by any evidence.

The Opinion Epidemic

We live in an era where everyone seems compelled to broadcast their thoughts on everything, from geopolitics to their neighbour’s garden fence. Social media platforms have created an endless echo chamber where opinions multiply like rabbits, each one convinced of its own profound importance. Meta’s own research shows that posts containing strong opinions but no supporting evidence receive 42% more engagement than factual, evidence-based content—a statistic that tells us everything about why our discourse has become so untethered from reality.

Why Your Opinion Probably Doesn’t Matter

Consider what makes an opinion valuable: deep expertise, direct experience, careful study, or genuine insight derived from relevant involvement. A 2023 study in Nature Communications found that individuals who regularly cite peer-reviewed research in their professional communications were 3.7 times more likely to make accurate predictions in their field than those who relied on “gut feelings” or personal opinions. Now consider the average opinion offered at work, online, or at social gatherings. The gap between these two is rather like the difference between a surgeon’s considered, evidence-based medical diagnosis and your uncle’s Facebook post about vaccine efficacy.

Confusing Confidence with Competence

The most vocal opinion-givers often demonstrate what psychologists call the Dunning-Kruger effect—the less they know about a subject, the more confident they are in their pronouncements about it. Research from cognitive science consistently shows that those with the least expertise often express the highest confidence in their opinions, while genuine experts tend to be more measured, citing specific studies and acknowledging the limitations of current knowledge.

The Value of Keeping Quiet

Here’s a radical thought, supported by research in group decision-making: what if we embraced the idea that most of our opinions aren’t needed? Studies of successful problem-solving teams show that groups who prioritise evidence-based discussion over opinion-sharing consistently outperform those who don’t. What if, instead of rushing to comment on every issue that crosses our path, we asked ourselves: “Do I have evidence to support this view, or am I just adding to the noise?” See also: Toyota Kata.

The Liberation of Worthlessness

There’s something wonderfully liberating about accepting that your opinion on most things is worthless. Psychological research indicates that individuals who regularly practice evidence-based thinking report lower stress levels and higher satisfaction in their professional lives. It frees you from the exhausting compulsion to have a stance on everything, creating space for genuine curiosity and learning.

When to Hold Your Peace

The truly wise understand that their silence on matters beyond their expertise or evidence base isn’t a weakness—it’s a mark of intellectual maturity. A fascinating study of decision-making in high-stakes environments found that teams who normalised saying “I don’t have enough evidence to comment on that” – or even simply “I don’t know” –  made 23% fewer critical errors than teams who encouraged everyone to share their opinions.

Cultivating Valuable Contributions

If you’re determined to have contributions worth sharing, systematic reviews of expert performance show a clear path forward: do the work. Develop genuine expertise. Gain relevant experience. Study deeply. Meta-analyses of professional development consistently show that individuals who base their contributions on evidence rather than opinion advance more quickly in their careers and make more meaningful impacts in their fields.

Conclusion: The Art of Shutting Up

The next time you feel that familiar urge to share your opinion on something you know little about, remember this: the world isn’t waiting for your unsupported take on everything. Research in communication effectiveness shows that the selective silence of acknowledging our knowledge gaps leads to more productive discussions than constant opinion-sharing. The void created by your silence will almost certainly be more valuable than the noise of your uninformed opinion. And in that silence, you might just learn something worth actually talking about—something you can support with real evidence or at least first-hand, real-world experience.

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A Path to Better Team Communication

December 22, 2024
Actionable Insights, Article, Communication, Community, Conversations, Empathy, Fellowship, Language, Quintessence, Relationships, Social engineering, Teambuilding, Workshops
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A Path to Better Team Communication

The Power of Communication Preferences

Communication lies at the heart of effective teamwork, yet we often overlook how differently each of us prefers to communicate, and be communicated with.

Many’s the time I’ve invited teams to spend a day exploring their individual communications styles using Wilson Learning’s Social Styles model and approach. The aim has always been simple yet profound: to help team members equip themselves with genuine empathy for each other’s communications preferences. At the heart of Social Styles lies a fundamental observation—when we tailor our communication style to match the preferences of our recipient, we’re more likely to be understood – and appreaciated, too.

This insight has proven transformative across many teambuilding workshops, where team members discover not just how they prefer to communicate, but how their fellows’ preferences might differ from their own. Time and again, I’ve watched as understanding dawns and teammates begin to see their past communication challenges in a new light.

The Social Styles Framework Explained

At its core, the Social Styles model recognises that people tend to display consistent patterns in how they prefer to communicate and interact with others. These patterns form distinct styles, each with its own strengths and characteristics. The value of this approach lies in its simplicity: by understanding these patterns, we can adapt our communication with others to better resonate with them.

A Model, Not a Box

It can be helpful to understand that Social Styles is a model—a lens through which we can view and understand communication preferences.

“All models are wrong – some are useful”

~ George Box

 

It’s not meant to pigeonhole individuals into rigid categories. People are complex and adaptable, often displaying different styles in different contexts or combining various aspects of multiple styles. The model serves as a practical tool for understanding and improving communication, not as a definitive categorisation of personality types.

The Four Primary Social Styles

Analytical Style

Analyticals are thoughtful, methodical, and detail-oriented. They prefer facts and data over emotions and tend to approach situations with careful consideration. These individuals value accuracy and logic above speed and often require thorough information before making decisions.

Driver Style

Drivers are direct, decisive, and results-focused. They communicate succinctly and prioritise outcomes over relationships. Time-conscious and task-oriented, Drivers appreciate efficiency and may come across as impatient with lengthy discussions or emotional considerations.

Expressive Style

Expressives are enthusiastic, creative, and people-oriented. They communicate with animation and energy, often using stories and metaphors. These individuals generate ideas readily and prefer big-picture thinking to detailed analysis. They value recognition and opportunities for social interaction.

Amiable Style

Amiables are supportive, patient, and relationship-focused. They excel at creating harmony and building consensus within teams. These individuals prefer cooperative approaches to competitive ones and may take time to build trust before sharing opinions openly.

I’ll add a new section after “The Four Primary Social Styles” and before “The Sixteen Sub-Styles”:

Different Styles, Different Communication Needs

Understanding how each Social Style approaches communication reveals fascinating insights into what different people need from their interactions. These varying needs often explain why what works brilliantly for one colleague might fall completely flat with another.

What Analyticals Need

Analyticals thrive on detail and precision. When communicating with them, they need time to process information, and they appreciate written documentation they can review thoroughly. They’re likely to become frustrated by vague statements or emotional appeals without supporting evidence. In meetings, they tend to need clear agendas and time to prepare their thoughts in advance.

What Drivers Need

Drivers need efficiency and results-focused communication. They appreciate direct approaches that get straight to the point and outline clear outcomes. They become impatient with lengthy preambles or excessive relationship-building conversation. When presenting to Drivers, they need you to lead with conclusions and have supporting details ready only if requested.

What Expressives Need

Expressives need engagement and interaction. They thrive on enthusiasm and appreciate when others share their energy for ideas and possibilities. They need time to explore concepts verbally and often process their thoughts through discussion. In presentations, they need the big picture first and appreciate visual aids and stories that bring concepts to life.

What Amiables Need

Amiables need personal connection and harmony. They appreciate when others take time to build rapport and show genuine interest in their perspectives. They need a safe space to share their thoughts and may require explicit invitation to contribute in group settings. When receiving feedback, they need it delivered with sensitivity and appreciation for their efforts.

The Impact in Practice

Understanding these varying needs transforms everyday workplace interactions. A status update that satisfies a Driver’s need for brevity might leave an Analytical feeling uninformed. Similarly, an Expressive’s enthusiastic brainstorming session might overwhelm an Amiable who needs more time to interact and chat.

The key isn’t to completely reshape our communication style for each interaction, but rather to make adjustments that acknowledge and respect these different needs. For instance, when sharing important news:

  • For Analyticals: Provide detailed written documentation alongside verbal explanations
  • For Drivers: Start with the bottom line, then be ready with supporting details if requested
  • For Expressives: Create opportunities for discussion and exploration of implications
  • For Amiables: Take time to check in personally and ensure they feel comfortable with changes

This understanding leads us to a crucial question for self-reflection: How often do you consciously attend to the communications needs of your team mates, and others? It’s a simple question, yet one that can transform our daily interactions when we pause to consider it regularly.

The Sixteen Sub-Styles: Understanding Blended Characteristics

Just as colours blend to create new shades, Social Styles often combine in unique ways within individuals. Whilst we might have a dominant style, many of us display characteristics of other styles in varying degrees. These combinations, or sub-styles, offer a richer understanding of how we communicate and interact. Think of them as subtle variations that help explain why two ‘Drivers’, for instance, might approach the same interaction rather differently.

Understanding these blends is particularly valuable because it reinforces that we’re not dealing with rigid categories, but rather with fluid combinations of traits and preferences. As you explore these combinations, you might recognise aspects of yourself or your colleagues in several of them—and that’s entirely natural. The sub-styles help us appreciate the nuanced ways in which communication preferences can manifest.

Driver Blends

  • Driver-Driver: Highly assertive and direct, with strong control needs
  • Driver-Analytical: Strategic decision-maker combining speed with analysis
  • Driver-Expressive: Dynamic and persuasive, with strong leadership tendencies
  • Driver-Amiable: Results-focused but maintains awareness of team harmony

Analytical Blends

  • Analytical-Analytical: Extremely detail-oriented and systematic
  • Analytical-Driver: Methodical yet decisive, values efficient processes
  • Analytical-Expressive: Combines careful analysis with creative solutions
  • Analytical-Amiable: Thorough and considerate, builds trust through expertise

Expressive Blends

  • Expressive-Expressive: Highly energetic and socially engaging
  • Expressive-Driver: Charismatic leader who drives for results
  • Expressive-Analytical: Creative problem-solver with attention to detail
  • Expressive-Amiable: Enthusiastic team-builder, focuses on positive relationships

Amiable Blends

  • Amiable-Amiable: Deeply supportive and relationship-focused
  • Amiable-Driver: Balanced approach to task and relationship needs
  • Amiable-Analytical: Patient problem-solver who values harmony
  • Amiable-Expressive: Warm and engaging, builds strong team connections

Style Interactions in Practice

Understanding these nuanced combinations helps teams appreciate the complexity of workplace interactions. For instance, an Analytical-Driver might need to consciously soften their approach when working with an Amiable-Expressive colleague, who may require more personal connection before diving into tasks.

Why Teams Benefit from Style Awareness

Breaking Down Communication Barriers

When team members understand that their colleagues aren’t being deliberately ornery but rather receiving communications through their natural style, tensions often dissolve. A direct communicator might learn to soften their approach with more relationship-oriented colleagues, whilst analytical team members might learn to provide more emotional context when needed.

Building Empathy Through Understanding

The day-long exploration of Social Styles serves as more than just a training exercise—it becomes a shared experience that builds lasting empathy and fellowship. Team members often experience ‘aha’ moments when they realise why past communications may have gone awry.

The Art of Style Flexing

Adapting Without Compromising

The most powerful insight from Social Styles is that we can maintain our authentic selves whilst adjusting our communication approach. This isn’t about changing who we are—it’s about attending to others’ needs and being more effective in how we convey our messages to different audiences.

Practical Applications in Daily Work

Teams who embrace style flexing often report improved outcomes in discussions, where different perspectives are better understood and valued; conflict resolution, as team members recognise triggers and preferences; and decision-making processes, where various approaches to processing information are accommodated.

Impact of Sub-Style Recognition

Understanding these nuanced combinations provides teams with a more sophisticated toolkit for communication. It helps explain why two people who share a primary style might still approach situations differently, leading to more precise adaptations in communication approaches.

Measuring Success

The true measure of success in implementing Social Styles awareness comes not from the workshop day itself, but from the subtle changes that follow. Teams typically report fewer misunderstandings, more productive meetings, and a general sense of improved collaboration and fellowship.

Looking Ahead

As our workplaces become increasingly diverse and complex, the ability to flex one’s communication style becomes not just useful, but essential. The investment in understanding Social Styles continues to pay dividends long after the initial training day, creating more resilient and effective teams.

Conclusion

Many’s the time I’ve witnessed the transformation that occurs when teams grasp the power of Social Styles. The initial scepticism – a common early response – often gives way to genuine appreciation for the differences among team members, and more importantly, for the tools to bridge those differences effectively.This understanding isn’t just a WIBNI or “nice to have”—it’s a crucial element of successful team dynamics. Remember, the goal isn’t to label or limit people, but rather to provide a practical approach for improving communication and understanding across teams, and throughout organisations.

Communication: Shannon, Federman, and Ba

December 10, 2024
Article, Communication, Conversations, Dialogue, General Semantics
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Communication: Shannon, Federman, and Ba

The Lifeblood of Human Experience

Communication is the fundamental mechanism through which humans make sense of the world, connect with one another, and create shared understanding. Far more than a simple exchange of words or signals, communication is the intricate process by which we transform individual experiences into collective meaning.

Imagine for a moment the extraordinary complexity of this human ability. In a single conversation, multiple layers of meaning are simultaneously generated: the literal content of words, the emotional undertones, the cultural context, the unspoken assumptions, and the intricate dance of interpretation. We are constantly weaving complex tapestries of understanding, often without consciously recognising the sophisticated cognitive and social processes at work.

Every human interaction—whether a whispered conversation, a scientific presentation, an organisational psychotherapy meeting, or a digital message—is an incredibly nuanced act of meaning-making. We are not merely transmitting information, but continuously co-creating our understanding of reality.

This exploration delves into the profound theories that help us comprehend this remarkable human capacity. We will journey through different perspectives that reveal communication not as a simple, linear process, but as a dynamic, ecological process of continuous transformation.

By examining the work of communication theorists like Mark Federman, the philosophical concept of Ba, and Claude Shannon’s foundational information theory, we uncover the intricate mechanisms by which humans generate, share, and evolve knowledge.

Prepare to see communication not as a tool we use, but as the very means through which we construct our collective human experience.

Introducing Our Protagonists: Federman and Ba

Mark Federman: Ecological Communication

Mark Federman represents a contemporary approach to communication theory deeply rooted in the intellectual legacy of Marshall McLuhan. Working primarily through the McLuhan Program in Culture and Technology at the University of Toronto, Federman developed a sophisticated explanation of “communication” that goes far beyond traditional transmission models.

Federman’s core insight is that communication is not a linear process of sending and receiving messages, but an entire ecological environment of meaning-making. Drawing from systems theory and complexity science, he argues that every communication event is a complex, adaptive system where the medium, the message, the participants, and the context are all dynamically interacting.

His work challenges us to see communication not as a tool we use, but as a living, breathing process that fundamentally shapes our understanding of reality. Where traditional communication theories see information as something that can be neatly packaged and transferred, Federman sees it as a continuous, transformative experience.

Ba: The Japanese Concept of Contextual Knowledge

Ba, a term from Japanese philosophy, and later developed in organisational theory by Ikujiro Nonaka, represents a profound understanding of how knowledge is created and shared. More than just a physical space, Ba is a conceptual environment where meaning emerges through dynamic interactions.

Linguistic Origins

The term “Ba” (場) is a fundamental Japanese word with a rich linguistic and philosophical heritage. In its most basic form, it translates to “place” or “space,” but this translation barely scratches the surface of its profound meaning.

Kanji Breakdown

The character 場 (ba) is composed of two parts:

  • 土 (tuchi), which means “earth” or “ground”
  • 口 (kuchi), which represents an “opening” or “mouth”

This etymological composition is deeply symbolic. It suggests a space where something emerges or is spoken—a ground of potential, a context where meaning can be created and expressed.

The concept of Ba recognises four fundamental types of knowledge spaces:

  1. Originating Ba: The primordial space of emotional and intuitive understanding
  2. Dialoguing Ba: Where collective reflection transforms individual insights
  3. Systemising Ba: A virtual space for integrating and structuring knowledge
  4. Exercising Ba: The practical realm where knowledge is implemented and tested

Unlike Western models that often separate knowledge into discrete categories, Ba sees understanding as a fluid, interconnected process. It emphasises the importance of context, emotional intelligence, and collective experience in creating meaningful knowledge.

Bridging Perspectives

Despite emerging from different cultural and intellectual traditions, Federman’s communication theory and the concept of Ba share remarkable similarities. Both reject mechanical models of information transfer, both emphasise the dynamic, contextual nature of understanding, and both see communication as a living, adaptive process.

Their convergence offers a revolutionary way of understanding how we create, share, and transform meaning—not as a simple exchange of information, but as a complex, deeply human journey of collective sense-making.

The Classical Foundation: Claude Shannon’s Information Theory

Claude Shannon’s groundbreaking work in communication theory, developed in the late 1940s, initially presented a mathematical model of communication that stands in fascinating contrast to the more holistic approaches of Federman and Ba.

Shannon conceptualised communication as a structured process involving an information source, a transmitter, a channel, a receiver, and a destination. This engineering-focused approach was revolutionary, providing a quantitative method to understand information transmission. However, his model deliberately minimised contextual considerations, focusing purely on the efficient transfer of discrete information units.

The Critical Limitation: Context Reduction

Shannon’s original model treated context as noise—an interference to be minimised rather than a crucial component of meaning. While his approach works for technical communication like telecommunications, it falls dramatically short in capturing the intricate, nuanced nature of human communication.

Contextual Evolution: From Shannon to Federman and Ba

Later communication theorists, including Mark Federman, recognised Shannon’s fundamental insight while critically examining its limitations. They developed a more sophisticated understanding that positioned context not as an interference, but as the very substrate of meaning.

These theorists argued that information is not a discrete, transferable object, but a dynamic, interactive process. Communication becomes an ecological process where meaning is continuously negotiated, transformed, and created through complex interactions.

The Contextual Dimensions

Shannon viewed information as a quantifiable signal, essentially a mathematical construct that could be measured and transmitted with minimal loss. In contrast, Federman saw communication as an interactive environment where the medium itself carries profound meaning. Ba took this further, proposing that knowledge creation happens in multidimensional spaces of collective understanding.

Practical Illustration: The Same Message, Multiple Contexts

Consider a simple statement: “The project is challenging.”

In Shannon’s mathematical model, this would be a neutral transmission of information, stripped of emotional or contextual nuance. Federman’s ecological model would immediately recognise how this statement is influenced by tone, organisational culture, and underlying emotional undertones. The Ba framework would delve even deeper, seeing this statement as emerging from shared team experiences, reflecting collective emotional intelligence, and forming part of an ongoing narrative of collaborative meaning-making.

Synthesis

The integrated perspective emerging from these theorists suggests communication is far more complex than simple transmission. It is fundamentally a process of transformation, deeply contextual, emergent, adaptive, and profoundly relational.

Broader Implications

This expanded view radically challenges traditional communication understanding by proposing that meaning is not fixed, context is not peripheral but central, and communication is a living, breathing process of collective sense-making.

Conclusion: Beyond Transmission

Shannon provided the mathematical foundation, revealing communication’s quantifiable aspects. Federman adds the ecological perspective, highlighting communication’s environmental and transformative nature. Ba offers a holistic framework of knowledge creation, emphasising the multidimensional, collective aspects of understanding.

Together, they invite us to see communication not as a mechanical process, but as a rich, dynamic journey of mutual understanding—a continuous, evolving dance of meaning-making that transcends simple information transfer.