You don't have to read this!

This is my personal journal. It's optional. It isn't required reading, nor am I going to ever ask, "Did you read my journal?" It's insight, it's not detail.

This isn't a point of contact either!

And if I'm being mean to you here, or rude, that's kinda what this space is for.

This journal is going to be the hard words, the ones you don't want to hear. The good news is, you never have to read them.

Keeping busy is the best thing I can do for myself.

I don't notice the bad things quite so much if I am occupied. I don't notice disruptions or noises or messes, challenges are just to be navigated, the "things I should be doing" fade away because I am busy. I am doing something. And the busy-ness of business is enough!

I spend every day with my mind chasing, "Why am I not doing these things I should be doing?" Is it cleaning? Is it learning? Is it fixing? Is it tackling some big issue? 

I believe it is ALL those things. And I don't know how I function, with all those things I'm supposed to be doing.

Being high was a blessing in that I didn't fret about who I'm supposed to be calling, or talking to, or the hundred things I need to do. The feeling was always focusing on what I was doing, what I could do in the moment, and was I happy doing that thing? Gardens happened, streaming happened, games and food and ....

It made me paranoid, too, afraid to leave the house. It wasn't all good.

But I wasn't afraid to waste my time, and that's something I wish I could reclaim.

Keep going! Every day keep going. One day at a time.

So as I sit and I'm just not sure of what I am capable, what I COULD or SHOULD be doing, I just keep going.

It's not about getting better each day, really. We keep going every day because every day is new, every day makes a difference, and every day is better than not having a day. Not just survival, either. Every action makes a difference. Everything we do builds on itself.

Nothing has to be perfect. Just keep moving forward.

It's always difficult to transition from on-location work to working-from-home. It's like the world stops and suddenly NOTHING feels right.

I wish I knew how to recover and transition.

Life isn't bad. I can say that over and over, and I know that's true.

How privileged am I that I can fuss with this Linux computer while I'm waiting for the next assignment? How privileged am I to have a house, a car, medical care, people who care about me, a kitchen full of food, furniture of my own?

The most difficult thing about anxiety and depression is that there isn't an "OK" where everything is just completely fine. I'm crying, or I'm afraid, or I'm not enough, or I'm wrong.

Life IS OK. But it doesn't feel right, and nothing will make it feel right. I just keep living and not knowing how to function with it.

I made it this far. I'm in an equilibrium. Things could be like this forever and I won't be in a difficult spot. I'll have money and food and agency and anything I need. I don't have to be sad or upset anymore. I can want MORE, but I don't need to worry.

I may never shake this feeling that I'm always doing something wrong.

It is amazing the difference my life has when someone believes in me, appreciates me, and shows it.

I didn't feel lovable. And I couldn't figure out how to feel loved. What did I need to feel whole again?

Someone else -might- have cracked the code. I can't even explain it now, but it's working, and maybe I don't hate myself or my circumstances or anyone else as much anymore. Maybe...

Maybe life is OK again.

I miss the kids. I miss the house in Orlando. I miss the weather, and the flexibility. I miss a few people, too, and a few resources, and the weather, and...

It would be easier to fall back into a life in Florida.

We played Gloom. The past few weeks have been peppered with Kelsey stories, but not many people really know how close we were. Outside of Orlando, they never saw us all every day for Dinner, or at weekly game nights.

The Kondolojys, where we would all drive northwards to their house. When Kelsey moved in the 2nd time, she came along with us. Remember the rotating cast of characters that Ryan and Amanda could bring? Kirk and Riss, or Deven and Riss. Little Baby B-Ball. Hunters Creek was nice, but that giant house really felt like home for a while.

I keep retelling these stories, the stories of engineering all day, then jumping off for Game Night later, because I find more game night partners here. Thanksgiving, then board games. Making it pink. There was a beauty in our weekly game nights with the Kondolojys.

Pandemic Legacy, amirite? Riss & Angel watching the kids. The Bumbo with the tray. Muchkin, Catan Star Trek, which is SETLLERS, damn sheep. I have Gloom, still.

We never used the backyard; smoking and that back porch didn't align.

Good Morning to my past.

I'm more than 2500 miles from where I started on December 27. "As the crow flies," I'm only 1000 miles away from you, and idioms in my head will echo on.

I'm super curious about RB4 DLC support being moved to Fortnite Festival support, and instrument-controllers are expected to be involved. I have Clone Hero running pretty cleanly back at the lab, I can dream of getting that all 100% again.

I'll be creating a retro den. I'm not even going to pretend to want to play new video games anymore; my goals are modest.

Retrogames and Hockey and Football
A big garden in the back
A place for my kids to visit.

Those are all realistic, small goals that I believe I can reach.

When will you see me again? I don't want to go back to my past, so I'm digging this up less. I'll reach out when it's time. 

I miss my kids. I miss my few remaining local friends. I miss the familiarity of living in Orlando, at home. I miss knowing what next week is going to be like, even if I can't make plans. I miss sleeping during the day.

But I love my life. I'm a travel-hardened bottle of delight, full of puns and song lyrics and sensitivity. People love to be around me when they let me sleep on my schedule. And I like to be around them!

Sleep on a schedule that involves zero panic-awakenings.
Have enough income to sustain my rent & utilities
Speak when faced with a challenge.