Keeping busy is the best thing I can do for myself.

I don't notice the bad things quite so much if I am occupied. I don't notice disruptions or noises or messes, challenges are just to be navigated, the "things I should be doing" fade away because I am busy. I am doing something. And the busy-ness of business is enough!

I spend every day with my mind chasing, "Why am I not doing these things I should be doing?" Is it cleaning? Is it learning? Is it fixing? Is it tackling some big issue? 

I believe it is ALL those things. And I don't know how I function, with all those things I'm supposed to be doing.

Being high was a blessing in that I didn't fret about who I'm supposed to be calling, or talking to, or the hundred things I need to do. The feeling was always focusing on what I was doing, what I could do in the moment, and was I happy doing that thing? Gardens happened, streaming happened, games and food and ....

It made me paranoid, too, afraid to leave the house. It wasn't all good.

But I wasn't afraid to waste my time, and that's something I wish I could reclaim.