The Chinese could not have been more elegant, unless we hark back to the era of the glitzy twenties, with pompadour hairstyles and sequined dresses bedecked with fineries et al, the way we are supposed to be, all dressed up to roar!
Alumni
When I stand in between my classmates in an alumni gathering commemorative picture, I feel like a lallang swaying in between all those glorious oak trees.
Know & Loathe
First world infrastructure,
Second world service,
Third world toilets,
Out of this world politics.
To know Malaysia is to loathe Malaysia.
Allocation
When our universities doesn’t have enough seats for the locals, busily allocating them to foreign students for the sake of rankings is like when your own kids are not doing well in school , you are busily focusing on other people’s kids.
Breaching Security
“In Malaysia, the building of physical fences are top priority. They are part and parcel of every residential or commercial buildings, beit big or small. Besides that, there’s the cctv and the alarm systems nor forgetting the security personnels tasked to ensure all systems remain in check. These security outfits eats into the budget of every building owners maintenance cost and without them, the occupiers and tenants would feel naked and insecure. But these security measures are all externals. At best they are there to create a false sense of security, arrest vandalism and helps to keep safe whatever goods or valuables the tenants kept inside. An intruders nightmare so to speak. But at worse, they are prying into everyone’s privacy. Eyes follow us around and stops just before the toilet cubicle.
Yet, these security installations could not protect our national coffers from being plundered, even when they are installed to guard safes in the banks. They are plundered by the trusted people we vote in, whom by virtue of their positions, wereduty bound to safeguard them. Those daylight robbers as we call them, don’t even need keys or access codes to the safes. They don’t need to be seen by the surveillance cameras. And even if they were to walk near the safes, the security guards would just let them through, because they are supposedly ‘Orang Besars’. What they possess is called power. And that power ensures that they can consent to transfers, approve grants, and award projects without answering to anyone below them. Vice versa, a directive from above ensures compliance.
Is this how Malaysia operates after the landslide ge14 which brought down the former government?
So, forget about the fences, the cctvs and alarm systems. These fixtures eat into the budget but only aid in externals- forced robberies, burglaries, terrorism, and break-ins. Of course they are necessary.
But they are useless in preventing our national coffers from being plundered internally.
For that, we need to put in place a sophisticated computerized system that could link and monitor all the funds transfers happening in all ministries especially the outgoing ones accessible to everyone.
This idea will be unwelcome by those with the tendency to breach trust what more if it were to be raised in parliament and put to a vote.
That’s the whole trouble.”
Pull the Drain Plug
In a “Mental Hospital” a journalist asks the Doctor: How do you determine if someone is a mental patient or not?
Doctor: “Easy! We’d fill a bathtub with water and then give the patient
(a) a teaspoon,
(b) a glass,
(c) a bucket,
and ask them to empty the bathtub!”
Journalist: “Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger!”
Dr: “No. A normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you too!
(Author unknown)
Human Capital
Education is the benchmark of a progressive nation and its society. More important than infrastructure is the investment in human capital. First world countries invest in talents whilst third world countries invest in false facades meant to cover up their inadequacies. When a country produces talents, higher standards are demanded in policies, both in the government and private sectors as well. Top class doctors, architects, engineers, economists, sportsmen, tech whiz, performers , they are all highly paid and well protected to ensure excellence in everything including healthcare services, top quality entertainment and the bringing home of championship medals. They change the way a country is being run. Government listens to their needs, gave them all the perks and places them as advisers to their specialized field the minute they reach retirement. They bring pride and honor to the country as well as fame unto themselves. That in turn translates to patriotism.
But when a government gives concessions to under-achievers and grooms them into positions their poor mind cannot comprehend yet they pass, we beget laughing storks eventually. I cannot help but ponder how many of our local teachers excel in the subjects they are qualified to teach in because surely, from one generation to another, when educational standards are compromised to ensure the passing rate is high, quality takes a backseat to quantity one cannot imagine year in year out, how many students who were groomed by slip-shot teachers ended up helming top rate positions meant only for the deserving.
A government that lacks talents to teach in schools must allocate enough funds to import top grade teachers to assist them. With the advancement in technology, physical tutoring can be replaced with online methods and that includes exams. They need not necessarily be here when technology as practiced in the US ensures students can be seen at their table in their homes or elsewhere during lessons and electives by the touch of an onscreen button on their computer.
It is disheartening that till today, we are still hearing grouses from students that their dreams were dashed , simply because their parents could not afford the fee structures in private universities to make them doctors , because local universities have no place for them , yet why then, are we admitting tons of foreign students into an arena not big enough for all? And why do others receive grants from our government to be exported out to the Middle East to learn of all things , theology?
All those reasons they gave to ensure students have the right aptitude and attitude to excel in their particular field before their applications are accepted is just hogwash. Maybe certain conditions are useful but the rest are designed as impediments to hidden motives. Everyone excels in what they are keen in , rather than having alternatives shoved down their throat because not only do one loses their equilibrium,many loses their sanctity and some, their fire to excel. Most excuses are suspiciously put in place to cover up questionable agendas which are entirely bizarre and silly. Don’t all of us want truly qualified doctors to diagnose us? Governments should by virtue, allocate enough funds and seats in the universities for everyone who genuinely made the grades like in Germany where education is free and fair to all. If not, how are we to groom talents to ensure our nation stays competitive? Are we in the mood to be served by many aspiring doctors who ended up as technical assistants whilst the slip-shot under-performers become their bosses? Is there no end to this? When are we to wake up?
Can we make this the education departments top priority and national resolution for the year 2020 or that again, your slip shot mind just couldn’t comprehend?
Interrupt
A woman sues her husband for divorce. When the judge asks her why she wants a divorce, she explains that her husband hasn’t talked to her in two years. The judge asks her husband: “Why haven’t you spoken to your wife in two years?” He replies: “I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
(Author Unknown)
Do You Have a V?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to find a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer ‘yes’ to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
“Do you have vagina?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Then Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
(Author Unknown)
Release the Donkey
A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and untied it. The donkey ran into the fields and was destroying the crop.
The farmer’s wife saw this and shot the donkey dead.
The donkey’s owner was upset so he shot the farmer’s wife.
The farmer came back to see his wife dead, he went and shot the donkey’s owner. The wife of the owner of the donkey asked her sons to go and burn the house of the farmer.
The boys went late evening and carried out their mother’s orders happily, assuming that the farmer too would have been burnt with the house. Sadly for them it wasn’t that, so the farmer came back and shot the wife & the two sons of the owner of the donkey.
Remorseful, the farmer asked the demon why did all this have to happen?
The demon said, *”I did nothing, I only released the donkey.”*
(Author Unknown)
Sins of the Father
“A child cannot be held responsible for the sins of his father nor his forefathers. To hold onto grudges that happen 2000 years ago or even 100 is a mathematical bloop and a strange blame game.. Like as if this generation can predict the fetish or uncanny tendencies of generations born before him or that you have conveniently pinpointed someone to be the cause of your circumstance today. Revenge cannot appease ones soul, especially the nasty, bloody ones designed to terrify onlookers and tourists. Open up your mind and fill it with peace so that others may find peace within you and spread love, so that love can find its way back to you.”
Bequeathed to the Poor
There are moments to be compassionate and there are moments worthy to celebrate. Not to celebrate but dwell in compassion is giving up that one joyous moment of contagious happiness when it should never be caged at all.And that is how during christmas, the spirit of giving and sharing beit to your loved ones and those that deserves compassion becomes meaningful even if it is just a simple meal bequeathed to the poor or downtrodden.
Two Square Feet
For every 2 square feet of human born every minute, we need to sacrifice yet another 50sq ft of floor space for a vehicle when they reach 18yrs of age. At least 80 percent of all cars on the road are one person occupied. Vehicles has dominated our lives and it is becoming an eyesore when the base of multi-storey buildings are decked with them. Imagine the hassle of hovering seven decks up and down to locate a car park?
I think responsible architects and governments should challenge themselves and use their ingenuity to overcome this problem and put aesthetics at the forefront when convincing developers of alternative solutions because aesthetic sells. Not just complying for compliance sake.
For example, for commercial properties, those days where terraced shop lots are arranged portrait format, should now be replaced with landscape mode instead . In other words, the length of the shoplot becomes the width and width becomes the length. So, shoplots get shorter behind but wider when viewed from the front. When this happens, at least five vehicles related to one shoplot could be accommodated instead of the current one and a half cars to a single shop lot. And a wider shopfront would result in a better showroom as more products is visible from the front. It doesn’t compromise anything if two landscape shoplots are arranged back to back because more rows can be accommodated since the length has been shortened!
For residential properties, beit landed or strata, developers are to ensure one additional car park for every 1000sq ft of floor space. And two even when it touches 1001sq ft.
Road reserves for newer developments should also be widened to accommodate more public parking to avoid cars spilling onto kerbs.
Just saying.
I’m the Boss
A Junior in the office dialled his boss’s extension by mistake. He said:
“Hey, send a coffee to my cabin in 2 mins!”
Boss Shouted: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?
Jr : No?
Boss: I’M THE BOSS!!!
Jr (in same tone): Do you know who you are talking to then?
Boss: NO!!!!!
Jr : THANK GOD!!! (& disconnected)
(Author Unknown)
Sacred
“A statue or figurine is only considered sacred after it has been consecrated by a religious or priest beit in a rite or proper religious ceremony thus to determine if a statue is sacred or not, will never be known because the action of consecration may only involve the laying of hands and the recitation of certain appropriate text whilst others may involve stippling the statue/figurine with ink, the adornment with a chasuble, stole or a garment of some kind including fresh flowers or in other cases, the insertion of certain pulverized ashes inside a carved hole which was then plugged in. Thus without such obvious evidence present on a statue or figurine, one can only guess if a statue or figurine is sacred. Herein provenance becomes an important criteria because if that particular statue was proven to have sat inside a temple before, one can almost be certain that the figurine mentioned is indeed sacred. Anyhow in a way, it does enhance the value but put you into trouble if the origin is an important sacred site, if that is what you are interested in.”
Find Heaven
If only one could find heaven in the pitch darkness. And hell in the brightest of days.
Communism
“When you take from the left hand and give it to the right, that is communism. When you depend entirely on your government for handouts, that is also communism. If your father rewards your brother equally as he did you even when you work hard for him but your brother did not, that again is communism. Ironically, communism is very much alive in our culture, despite us being a democracy. China, a communist country, also happens to be our biggest lenders. Don’t you know that?
I am surprised why you are so surprised.”
No One Calls no One Pendatang
“Having an occasion to speak does not warrant you the right to spew folklores that lacks historic affirmation. The Chinese has a saying, ‘If you keep quiet, no one shall accuse you of being dumb.” That said, I felt compelled to give you an insight into our local history so that you’d be enlightened.
From the years 1511 till 1957, Malaysia was a colony of different different countries. (I can feel the temperature rising already.) The colonizers manages everything whilst the local folks just went about their daily affairs. They made the rules and we execute them out. For 446 years no one calls no one ‘pendatang’. Fact is everyone of that era was a pendatang and that includes the ‘colonizers’. And all the pendatangs were busily trading with each other. The real ‘Orang Asal’ lives inside the jungles and there they thrive. They were also ‘takluk’ by pendatangs.
Before 1511 exists the kingdom of Malacca ruled by able Sultans, one in succession of the other, who believed in capitalism. That means for as long as anyone pays their dues and taxes, they get to stay or trade, never mind their origin. That edict made Malacca a robust trading port which captures the imagination of many an European seafarer looking for a sojourn along the sea route to the East.
Malacca was officially stated to be founded in 1402. by Parameswara, a pendatang Hindu prince from Palembang. Parameswara is a Sanskrit title that stood for the ‘Supreme Lord’ and is not a name. He flee Sumatra after the fall of the Srivijayan Empire in the year 1377 which succumb to the attack by the Javanese Majapahit. His able troop of Bugis bodyguards were the people who pointed him to that land filled with abundance after their brief stopover first in Muar, Johore, then Bertam. They bargained to be made aristocrats if Parameswara found favor with this new place. When they arrived, Parameswara was indeed smittened. Lush vegetation, freshest of water from streams, an abundance of flora and fauna. From where he stood, he named the place, ‘Malacca’, after the fruit tree that shaded his presence and honored his promise. He asked his entourage if anyone knew of the hill besides him. Bukit ‘Cina’ was their reply. (That simply means there were pendatangs who knew of the place way before they.)
One fine day, after making himself the Sultan amidst all the traders and having established some rule of law, he had a rude shock when he was enlightened that this place which he named Malacca, belongs to Siam. Without much hesitation, he sent his son to appeal to the King of Siam that he’d be allowed to stay on, with the condition that he will share his earnings with Siam and pay homage to them (which was how the triennial ritual of paying homage with ‘Bunga Emas’ came along). Malacca as it was, was a protectorate of Siam and Java, thus, homage was sent to these two Kingdoms. But Siam as Mahmoud had found out, oddly pays homage to China. He then thought it befitting to sidestep Siam and went direct to China instead. His actions enrages the King of Siam who sent his boats to the Malacca shore but as fate would have it, Siam succumbed. From then on, Siam relinquishes its rule over Malacca. For 130years, the Kingdom of Malacca was ruled by Sultans. Never did they regard anyone else as pendatangs.
Before that, there were many polities which were part of some larger empires straddling the Nusantara notably the Buddhist Sri Vijayan empire ruled by Rajah Chola, another Hindu from India. As a consequence, the many customary rites as observed in our local investitures and solemnization ceremonies was adapted from that era. Many Malay words were also borrowed from the Hindoo lingua. That was the time when trade was active between the Indians, Chinese and the little little polities around the archipelago, which remains submerged in our local history till today.
Then came another pendatang named Lopez De Sequeira whom after being chastised by Mahmoud’s advisers (when all they wanted was to be allowed to trade) reported back to his majesty who sent Alfonso De Albuquerque with a fleet to claim back his pride.) Mahmoud and his royal household flee. Some to Perak, some to Johore. From there, they scatter forming newer Sultanates. Then came the Dutch East India Company who drove out the Portuguese before they made a pact with the British in exchange for Java.
Pendatangs especially colonizers were also allowed perpetuity grants in the form of land titles in places such as Penang. Beneficiaries include James A Scott and David Brown, both whom were aligned to Captain Francis Light, the founder whose part of the deal is an offensive policy against the Bugis as agreed upon with the Sultan of Kedah in exchange for the possession of Penang that extends till Kuala Muda in Kedah.
Fast forward to circa 1940s, Onn Jaafar mooted UMNO. It was the period of the Malayan Emergency where many insurgents joint the communists because of their displeasure towards British rule.
Onn Jaafar was toying with the idea of Independence for Malaya, thus he raises his wish to the British overlords. Henry Gurney, then governor, told Onn Jaafar that independence will not be possible unless other races, especially the Chinese are included. Henry Gurney as it was recorded, became the catalyst and backbone to the setting up of the MCA under Cheng Lock and HS Lee. His concerns are simple. The Chinese are the workhorse and the engine of growth. He also fears that if the Chinese were to be left out, they will abandon support for the British and joined the MCP just like many Malays whom the British army had a hard time flushing them out from the jungle. That to him is an even more severe backlash because he is answerable to the Empire. If ever there is a commotion, it would indeed be disastrous. At that moment in time, nearly 7 out of 10 Chinese were triad members and 7 out of 10 were males deployed in the mining, rubber and port industries. As the story unfurls, Henry Gurney was later assassinated. So was his successor Malcom Mc Donald.
Onn Jaafar understood his request and tried hard to convince and convert Umno into the United ‘Malayan’ National Organization. But his second tier and grassroot members were not taken in. Feeling enraged, they called him a betrayer of his own race. Onn left Umno and eventually set up IMP (independent Malaya Party). In 1946 as a run up to the elections, UMNO , headed by Tunku, Onn’s successor, changes their manifesto by agreeing to work with MCA, the reason was that they were losing heavily for obvious reasons, that Onn Jaafar was a powerful figure to reckon with. Tunku also issued warnings to Umno members that whoever sided IMP or Onn would be expelled. In the elections, UMNO, together with MCA which forms the Alliance Party won. MIC came later. That paved the road to independence.
This is a factual account as extracted from many many historical records and accounts and is self explanatory. Never was it ever recorded that one race is a pendatang whilst the other is not since we were all colonized if you may by Hindus from 1402-1511, by Portuguese from 1511-1641 by the Dutch from 1641-1825, by the British from 1825-1941, by the Japanese Occupation from 1941-1946, again by the British from 1946-1957. Before all these, were the Buddhist Srivijayan Empire from the 12th Century. Recent archaeological discoveries has also pushed back the history of Kedah which may precede the Sri Vijayan Empire but they were without doubt linked to Siam. As of now, it is still uncertain thus, cannot be taken into account of. And even though so, it only extends the predates, not like it will corrupt all that we already know about our early and modern history.
It is indeed ironical that some concerned individuals mentioned that we were never colonized except for two years. (Where are your citations please? Better still, are you sure you are Malaysians?) And that some are pendatangs whilst others are not? It is as if without this term enshrined into our history, someone’s special rights would degenerate into some kind of illicit entitlements or are there underlying motives behind all these fiascos?
Our country will degenerate faster if we keep looking backwards busily sweeping off our tracks, whilst running forward. As if that is possible?
That said, if ever there is an award for the country with the most complications, our country will surely reign as the most expensive wristwatch around, because wristwatch value is measured by the number of complications it has on a single face. But to a Chinese, being very practical people, we will never buy it no matter how valuable they are for only one reason. If it breaks down ,it is difficult to find someone who could repair it. Just like our country. We are already so complicated, so we should be praying that it doesn’t break down. Because if it does, no one indeed can help us repair it. Same like the wristwatch. And in a wristwatch, every single part has its own function and it needs to be synchronized correctly to keep time. As Malaysians we should all be like the parts inside these wristwatches and be as harmonious as we can possibly be. One part fails and the whole mechanism stops working! We should not listen to those who attempts to destabilize the country, make them even more complicated than it already is.
Just saying.”
A New Language
“Contemporary art cannot be built on the foundations of the modern. It speaks a totally different language. Just like one can’t tear down an old house and build a newer, bigger, taller house sitting on the old foundation. The older foundations are restrictive towards the extra size and weight thus it stunts one’s creativity. If you want to build bigger, taller houses, one needs to forgo the older footings and build newer foundations for the new house one is building. Contemporary art is a new language. Narrative, not just skill is required. I’m sorry if you think otherwise.”
Not Imbued
We are not imbued with the culture to culture
our own culture.
Mongolian VD
A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a bloke wakes one morning to find his dodger covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis”.
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice!”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease”.
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I
already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank Goodness!”, the man replies.
Give me the medicine now says the guy. The Chinese doctor gave it to him and he gulped it down.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself. You save money!”
(Author Unknown)
Self Importance
“When self importance is stripped away, our mind will seek to escape and one will thus withdraw oneself into one’s own tiny cage before emerging into a fantasy world that others find you weird to comprehend or accept. Self consolation and assurance plays out full time in the form of hallucination. Others become victims of your aggression. The majority who can’t escape suffers from depression.”
Belligerent Nutcase
“Race, religious and self centered policies, blockhead ball licking ministers, questionable advisers, failure to penalize crooks that has plundered our nation, cronyism, nepotism, placid economic boost, condescending blank faced coalition partners, infighting, everything that good citizens has rejected therefore the 519 ouster, you copy them, thinking that will help you win? You are a willful belligerent nutcase. Not helped by free press, a fetish to bad mouth other country’s policies, and deep state. Your coalition deserve to fail unless you give up your old ways. Ultra racist has also given you a chance. You can’t help the country focusing on yourself.”
Be That Fisherman
“Why are you not using the bus when you urge others to use the bus when the state wants to build the lrt? Why don’t you become a fishermen since you are so affected by their plight when the state was offering them solutions to overcome their plight? Why are you fighting for the conservation of trees when you specifically ask the council to clear the old trees facing your home? Why aren’t you living in one of those dilapidated shophouses yet you are asking all the previous tenants to remain? Why are heritage guidelines that is supposed to cut across the board are being reviewed on a case to case basis?
It is because of you, and your team of gung-hos from the previous administration who paved the way for the rent control act to be abolished in tandem with the UNESCO listing so as to benefit you and your cronies without realizing that it will change the entire cityscape. The rise in rental were purposefully enacted for the old tenants to vacate. But now you are pretending to be so concern and tried to stop them from moving away from the city? Why don’t you offer to pay for their rentals instead so as to stop them from moving out? You are a poor social engineer and a big time hypocrite. If Malaysians are not lazy to think, you and your gung-hos would be brought to court.”
You Were Born to Leave Me
Spaces in between us
is not part of my plan
For within the spaces seeps in loneliness
coupled with suicidal thoughts
and a mind that turns runny with tears
I had you but I left you
alone
In search of your own destiny
Trenched within the crevices
of cold hard stones
Watching you gay churns tears inside
An innocent baby with high hopes for daddy
But you were born to leave me
Cant you see?
That your life may be better
I have faired worse than you think I am
Daddy has not left you a proud baby
But you are me
Yet you are not of me
And I pain inside
Always with thoughts of you
Because I failed you.
The heavens no longer dances for me
since a long time ago
Dotty dearest, Daddy is so sorry
Daddy’s world will only be ok
if only you are ok.
But daddy didn’t do much for you
And wedged between us is mommy
Please forgive me dotty.
Favoritism
When favoritism, belief, bribery, patronage and bloodline becomes the determiner to decide winners, awards, grants and rewards will all lose credibility, no matter how honorable the competition rules or application process looks.
Manage The Country
You are voted in to manage the country, not the world, and certainly not only one race. Who cares about bloodline, sex, caste, quota or belief anyway for as long as those appointed can handle and manage their job well.
Why Fear?
If God is in you,
why then do you fear.
Why then do you hate?
Why then do you envy?
Why then does greed,
anger
and pride
linger inside of you?
Passionate Collector
A passionate collector stays close to his collection.
If possible, he will take it with him wherever he goes .
Words Fly
I tried to emulate the bird,
so I can soar with the wind.
But the principles of levitation is beyond me.
I am all mass and matter,
and I don’t possess high powered wings.
Thus, I can only perch
and propel my thoughts,
and try to make my words fly…
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