I am feeling tired and drained. It makes sense tho.

Still, I wish I felt better.

I think my work takes more out of me than I was expecting. I need to find a way to recharge.

First tho, to finish this embroidery commission.

I'm eagerly awaiting the delivery of my black-market chicken (probably next week, or later this week) so I can roast one, and eat as much of it as I can, on root vegetables.

I'm working in a job supporting work I value highly, feeling like I can be myself. My probation is over in 10 days. The hardest part is managing my relationship with my manager.

I'm living in a house I need to clean and organize. I wish it wasn't so expensive, but it's perfect in many ways. I'm signing another year's lease. It might go on the market, I'm hoping the new landlords don't want to move in.

I'm in a relationship with someone I can count on to be honest, who is consistent and loving and straightforward, who is deeply invested in me being healthy, who loves me. I'm in another relationship with someone who is supportive, sweet, is working conciously to share more of our lives together, who makes me feel coherent and who loves me.

I am adjusting to all of this. It's easy to just try to fill up all the space, to invite chaos and instability and all the things I'm used to.

Or I could write cheques for the next year and finish my projects.

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. It’s an identity I often refer to in an almost-facetious way but I need to sometimes be vulnerable and upfront: Growing up with a parent with a significant drinking problem has affected me deeply in a number of ways. One way is that being around ‘drinking is normal’ for me, I tend to be paranoid about the reasons why, and the ways that I choose to drink.
                I am not sober all the time. I choose to drink. I sometimes choose it to relax or blow off steam, to enter into a slightly altered state to enjoy a night out or smooth social anxiety. I don’t always do it for the healthiest of reasons, but I am experienced enough to know myself and deal with consequences.
                I often choose not to drink, though. There are a lot of complicated reasons but one of the most joyful and affirming reasons is this: I like to be present.
                Being sober helps me to be present. I have had a lot of experiences where I have chosen to escape – into my own head, into a book, into a video game, into drugs or drink, into sleep-deprivation or lust or a combination of all of these. There’s a lot of stuff in my life I didn’t want to live through. But I did.
                I did live through everything. And I am still alive. I want to stay that way, which means engaging with my life. I want to know when I’m sad. I want to let myself feel it, so I can heal my own wounds and learn from this ache. I want to know when I’m angry – what threatened me and why, and if I need to do anything to be safe again. I want to know when I’m bored or frustrated, so I can find what to change. I’m still practicing this awareness, still figuring out my needs, but I get better all the time and life gets better for it.
                I am alive and in a place where I like being alive. Life isn’t easy but I’ve figured out ways of being safe and strong and happy. I want to experience that. I want to experience laughing with my friends, delicious food and the challenge of making something. I want to appreciate the sun on my skin, the smell of my lovers, my comfortable warm bed. I want to notice all the details of the precious moments where I feel awake, aware and full of joy. I want to notice how and why they happen – and make them happen again and again. I am often sober because I choose to be as alive as I know how to be.
                 I’m not writing this to say you’re wrong in your choices. I’m not writing this because my reasons are better or worse than anyone else’s. I’m writing this because I enjoy the clarity of where I am and where I strive to be – and I want to share that with others.

I've been at my job just over a month - at the point where I'll be getting a full paycheck next Friday. 

My financial stuff is settling, so there's a little extra to throw around on top of chunks that are moving into place so I am in less and less debt. It's good.

I'm feeling like part of the team at work - getting to know folks and their capacities and preferences. This job is in some ways so low-key that the real 'work' is finding ways to keep engaged and interested. Luckily, there's a lot of contact with people here, and I find people engaging and interesting. I'm getting to know certain residents, or at least a level of recognition that smooths our interactions. There's a few folks that I've introduced myself to a few times, and expect that that will need to occur again. It's OK. I often joke with them about how terrible I am with connecting names to faces. 

What do I do? 

I reassure, take notes, pass information on, answer questions. I instruct on how to use nasal spray, the washing machine, the TV remote. I help with support stockings when the nurse has left for the night and they just need to come off. In some ways, these interactions are more meaningful than signing folks in, or selling guest meal tickets. I feel like I'm part of a supportive community. 

I am chafing at the restrictions on my travel, but it's good for a while - it will help me rebuild myself financially.

***********************************

I had a bad allergic reaction earlier this week, got covered in hives and then spent 3-4 days on heavy drugs. That wasn't fun. I really don't like being drugged - I like being aware and having a certain amount of context for my feelings, reactions and energy levels. I'm going to the doctor next week to get a referral to an allergist and a rheumatologist. It's about time to review my joint pain.

I'm not used to feeling safe. I'm usually feeling some sort of insecurity - or lack of safety - in one area of my life or another.

So, as a strategy, I've learned various strategies of dishonesty (usually really surreptitious, even to myself), guardedness, hypervigilance to deal with the situation. I tend to have a low but constant level of anxiety about one or many areas of my life at once. 

This means I'm not necessarily attuned to seeking situations and people who are fundamentally safe for me. Because my inner experience is always that of insecurity, my measures of safety are broken. An acceptable situation is usually one where I've evaluated the risks as acceptable - not that there is no risk.

I am currently experiencing some security. I'm doing a job where I am not experiencing imposter syndrome, and I'm getting good feedback on my work. In fact, I successfully took over a fun but unwanted job today. (Designing and compiling the quarterly newsletter - not much, but I like it.) 

My roommate and I are working out well. We take turns slacking and cleaning, we commisserate and share stuff but I feel like there's good boundaries. 

My lovelife is good - R & I have been together almost 2 years with only a couple bumps/hitches, and I'm starting to realise that this is just how it's going to be between her and I. And I like it. My dating K is feeling fun and safe and sweet - I'm not sure how much potential there is, but that's what dating is all about, the finding out.

I'm starting to have more energy to do things like keep up on emails, do projects, host things - without feeling desperate or scared or not good enough.

I think my project next year is to make sure I behave within a capacity that cultivates and reflects security.

So, last week I didn't eat enough. This week, I've been eating more and my mood's improved.

Also, when I finished the craft fair, my mood's improved. I need to remember that 48+ work week PLUS trying to make stuff constantly is just TOO DAMNED MUCH. The relief was immediate.

I managed to have 2 dates that involved funsexytimes. As much as having dates which are mostly cuddling and sleeping are nice, I had missed funsexytimes.

I also upped my meds. My plan is to reduce my dose again in March, when the sun comes back.

Uhm, stuff? Work at both my jobs is good. I'm wrapping up things at my old job, and feeling like I've gotten used to the new job. I will miss the film fest folks, but sometimes the personalities all got a bit much - I'm used to a bit more detached 'professionalism' and compartimentalization at work. Not that people aren't professionals, and that there's isn't SOME compartmentalization, more that borderline introvert me was often a bit overwhelmed by working there.

I'm looking forward to more money. Part of me feels it's a bit shameful to say that, but there's nothing wrong with knowing you'll always have enough to pay the bills AND buy groceries and start to chip away at debt, if you're careful.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the suspension of habeas corpus in the USA, and the omnibus crime bill happening up here. And the crackdown on the Occupy camps. I'm scared. My roommate hugged me when I told him that tomorrow I'm going to focus on yoga and baking, cuz I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I feel like I should write about my summerfling and how it's playing out. I realise that I should talk to her about being annoyed at the end of our thing, but it feels...like too much work, with probably little positive outcome. I'll see. She wants to have tea in a couple weeks, so I think I'll tell her then. I realised that basically she did some immature faux-pas type moves at the end of our thing, and if nothing else, her future experiences might play out better if someone says "look, this is not a great way to conduct yourself, it makes breaking up with someone potentially much more painful than necessary."

I'm starting to plan for Christmas, mostly what I'll make for the folks I'll be sharing Christmas morning with. I'm actually starting to look forward to it, which feels scary and vulnerable - and will probably be awesome in the end.

I think I've been pushing myself too hard. I'm frustrated at how much I need to sleep, and how often (and much) I need to eat. Due to the year-long stress of not having enough cash, and the current 'too busy' situation, my brain decided that a solution was to eat smaller meals, and no snacks. I can't explain the logic, just that maybe it accounts for feeling frantic, sad, lonely, frustrated and restless ALL THE TIME. 

Yesterday and today I went out and got stuff I knew I could/would eat. Not a lot, but enough to make sure I've got something in me for the next couple of days. Cereal. Brown rice. Cans of heatable food.

Part of it is that I 'eat dinner at my desk', and get paid for 8 straight hours of work - so dinner gets slotted in when the residence gets quiet, and considering that my body wants to time lunch for EXACTLY the hour of my commute to work, lunch is usually a rushed and small affair. So more snacks. More portable food. 

**********************************************************

The rest, I think, is just winter. I feel alone/lonely but when I'm with folks I'm mostly sleeping or too stressed with 'where do I need to be next'. I'm working on it. I'm letting BJ, and our newly adopted little brother, come over when I'm not feeling great. I'm still trying to date K - they're sweet and seem really willing to accommodate on dates and come highly recommended by Theo, my ex-work husband.

But really, I'm just feeling all the fissures and cracks in my heart. The things I never said to my father, never could. All the cold and lonely nights when I forget what a joy it is to curl up safe with myself. All the lonely, sleepless nights before I knew that was an option. The old longing for a partner - which seems so alien now - what would I do if a wonderful creature with deep eyes and long fingers, who smelled and felt just right showed up? How would I bend my life around them? 

Maybe I have nothing to say, nothing to feel sad over, really. Maybe I just need to sit quiet, make things and wait.

It's dark, and I think my winter depression is creeping in. I'm debating if I need to up my meds are not. (I'm at the lowest end of the dosage for my condition.)

I think I've set unrealistic goals for myself this month. I'm doing what I can with what I have, and it's going to have to be good enough.

At least I like my hair dresser, and got a good asymmetrical cut with the option of growing it long. I had a dream the other night I had long hair and it was good.

I've been dreaming a lot lately. Sometimes about 'semi-real situation with bad boundaries' - aka, the usual anxiety dreams. Sometimes just incidental things about shopping or having long hair. I had a nightmare, even. This is all in the past 2 weeks. 

I have to remember that this weekend there will be a craft fair, which should be fun, and a date night, which should at least involve some snuggles.

1)I'm trying to write more - partially to update this journal more (I remember it being healthy and positive.) Also just to flex my writing muscles again. Writing is a medium I miss dearly and gradually fell away from - maybe I can wander my way back. I've been encouraged by a couple of people, based on quick paragraphs I knocked off. I must still have some talent in me, and if nothing else I read enough to have some idea of how it can be done. Whether or not that translates to doing it well, I guess I'll find out. I'm definitely not going to become a better writer by NOT writing.

2) I really miss Guin. Partially I miss her - bright eyes, little paws, enormous purr, cuddles at night, waking in the morning, greeting when I came home, cuddles on the couch. Partially I miss just having a cat. Sadly, my allergies have increased majorly in sensitivity since I stopped being in daily contact with a cat. So having a cat means getting a job with benefits, getting 2 years of injections with a 50% chance of reducing/resetting my allergen reaction. We'll see how that all goes.

3) 1.5 weeks of work. Been late twice by 15 mins, once by 5. I'm hoping today's late will be overlooked. JL who trained me initially seems to be reluctant to pass over the work that the manager wants me to do, and honestly wanted to take on 1 of the shifts assigned to my position so she would be full time. That suggestion was not followed, and I think she may have some transferred ill will towards me, since I'm coming in at F/T, am taking over 'her' work, and have been late. I'm making concerted efforts to re-adjust my commute, etc, and have told my manager this (and have been mostly showing up 10-15 mins early since.)

4) I'm anxious about work, of course. My low-self-esteem around employability is trying to take over and I'm making a concerted effort to ignore/distract/refocus that energy. I'm trying to learn, get into the routine, ask questions, be friendly and thankful and fit in.

5) Christmas is coming. I'm feeling really good about the fact that it's less commercial for me this year - my Christmas morning family has declared it a 'no-buy' year (except maybe for the kids). So far, I only need to purchase maybe $10 of supplies for gifts - perhaps $20-30 if I choose to do a bunch of candy making. Now it's just a matter of finding time.

5a) My family of origin has asked about Christmas and my work schedule, which prompted a rush of feeling gross. When I sat back I realised I was feeling a combination of inadequacy (I will never be good enough/worthy) and pressure (I can't rise to the situation). Okay, so Christmas is historically hard for my family (blah blah Daddy drank blah blah conflict) so expectations are low, everyone is mellow. I think there's still a small part of me that feels that Christmas being hard is somehow MY fault, so any request around Christmas is a terrible pass/fail to FIX THINGS or BE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Uh, thanks brain for that unrealistic expectation. Maybe I should just do the best I can to enquire about time off and see how that goes? Yeah, that.

6) Time management is still a challenge. I'm trying to remember that I'm going through a major life change and I'm in the adjustment period (see 1.5 weeks) but it's frustrating. I have THINGS! TO DO! I'm probably still really productive but I think one of my stress responses is to keep too busy to worry. Not exactly the best - it robs me of mindfulness and creates a spiral of constant worry and action.

7) I read an online article today:  http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2008/08/26/being-a-kindly-researcher-to-yourself/
I think I'm going to try using this tool to help myself overcome those consistent speed-bumps, time-sinks and frustrations I have about myself.

8) I'm feeling disconnected and unloved. Possible causes: I'm not spending enough time loving myself and being with myself. I'm under stress. It's mid-winter. Or all of the above.

Thanks for being here, LJ. Things are pretty good - I'm eating, I have a job and a home and a LITE BRITE CUBE in my living room (yes, the roommate is working out JUST FINE) and some dating and stuff. I just need to write it out more.

XO, as we say.