Christianity and masculinity

https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/12/a-psychologist-explains-the-5-types-of-marriages/

Ran across an interesting classification of marriages

• Devitalized couples. As the most dissatisfied group, these couples exhibit palpable discontent with the lowest marital satisfaction scores. Younger, less educated, often in lower-status occupations, they grapple with enduring dissatisfaction, contemplating divorce in the majority of cases. Their journey is marked by shorter marriages, a higher likelihood of religious heterogamy and a surprising frequency of previous divorces.
• Conflicted couples. Despite communication challenges, these couples often share a consensus on egalitarian roles and religion. Demographically akin to devitalized couples, they bear the weight of less education, lower income and more religious heterogamy. Despite often contemplating divorce and grappling with dissatisfaction, they stand resilient, not diverging significantly in separation rates from the overall sample.
• Traditional couples. Emerging as satisfied custodians of tradition, these couples find fulfillment in parenting and religious accord. Younger yet married longer, more educated and higher earning, they favor traditional roles. Less frequently separated and less considerate of divorce, their narrative is one of stability, contentment and commitment to the sanctity of their first marriages.
• Harmonious couples. These couples held moderately high scores in marital interaction, yet diverged in their consensus on parenting issues. Older but earlier in marriage with fewer children, they exhibit higher education and job statuses. Despite men facing unexpected lower incomes and women often working full-time, divorce remains uncommon in this group. With 94% reporting overall satisfaction, they epitomize balance.
• Vitalized couples. At the zenith of marital satisfaction, these couples maintained the highest scores across all domains, navigating conflict resolution with grace. Older, more educated and economically stable, they exude marital bliss and strong communication skills. 86% of these couples never once consider divorce, virtually all reporting satisfaction, and none facing the agony of separation. Theirs is a story of enduring love, effective communication and the triumph of a flourishing marital bond.

If you read between the lines, the demarcation between most of the 5 descriptions is mostly based on socioeconomic hierarchy. In other words, the “less education and lower status” married and usually less satisfied than the “higher education and job statuses.” Now, this isn’t too wrong. There is a growing divide between the so-called lower, middle, and upper classes all of the derivations of those such as upper-middle class. They also throw in religious heterogamy or in other words people who married each other from different religions which is obvious why the Bible warns us about that.

However, it would be probably more accurate to say that in the vast majority of devitalized and conflicted couples there is probably some if not a lot of dissatisfaction from either side. Women who believe they deserved a better man or men who believe they deserved a better woman. The settled woman who is discontent and the man that may have married too early to a woman who turns into a harpy most likely.

On the other hand, with the so-called harmonious and vitalized couples, you have women who probably married someone who had a very good job and status of the job. Their hypergamy is ticked off with several boxes of higher earner, higher education, good job status, likely can support the lifestyle that she wants to live, probably at least reasonably attractive, and so on. There’s less boxes for men to tick here, but as long as she’s relatively attractive and at least somewhat mentally stable whether she works or is a stay at home mom likely doesn’t matter too much for most men. Typically, these men will at least pair off with another college educated or further woman.

Finally, their recommendations on having a vitalized marriage.

• Never imply a judgment on the other. When expressing yourself, be mindful not to criticize or condemn your partner, in the same way you would hope not to be scrutinized for airing grievances. Create an environment where both of you can communicate openly without feeling judged.
• Emotions are neutral—neither good nor bad. Understand that your feelings, as well as your partner’s, aren’t inherently right or wrong. Embrace the idea that everyone experiences emotions differently, and that there’s no value judgment attached to how someone feels.
• Feelings must be integrated with intellect and will. When making decisions or addressing issues in your relationship, combine your emotional responses with rational thinking and intentional actions. Find a balance between your heart and your mind, giving each equal importance.
• Emotions must be reported. Share your feelings openly with your partner. By communicating your emotions, you allow them to understand your perspective better while honoring and respecting your own needs, desires and experiences.
• Emotions must be reported when experienced. Timing is crucial in communication. Share your emotions promptly, as you experience them. This helps in addressing concerns in the moment, preventing misunderstandings and promoting a proactive approach to resolving issues in your relationship.

Clearly, I think this is a bunch of garbage.

Like the Christian leaders, they basically ignore what triggers sexual attraction in both of the sexes. It’s very difficult to have a low-income and low-status married couple having a lasting marriage if they get bombarded all the time from the world, friends, family, and so on about how they should deserve more. A very discontented and rebellious wife who thinks her husband is beneath her and doesn’t respect him is not going to even give her husband the benefit of the double nor want to discuss emotions with him anyway. She’s for the most part already going to be checked out the marriage and looking for something better. Same with a man whose wife lets herself go and isn’t interested in sex.

Now I’m not discounting emotional intelligence. I employ similar thinking in my own marriage about emotions and how we should treat them and build trust with my wife and in how I recommend other married couples do the same. However, it ignores the foundation underlying such marriages in the first place. This is like the icing on the top of the cake, but it is not the cake itself.

I think this article gives a surface level analysis for understanding successful marriages, but to truly have one you need the Bible and to understand the truth about sexual attraction and the path of temptation and be constantly on guard about it.

Ironically, I don’t think I’ve ever gone over in the Bible where head(ship) is mentioned. As I noted in Headship is authority, Wayne Grudem not only went over the Bible but all other Greek literature to see where head is defined as authority vs other options and it’s overwhelmingly in favor of authority.

I covered significant examples in:

• Headship with Gentile and Genuine authority discernment
• Defining the headship authority model from Genesis to Christ and His Church
• Headship is still authority in marriage and wifely submission is obedience Part 2
• Headship is still authority in marriage Part 2 addendum

Therefore, it would also behoove us to look at the examples of where it’s used in the Scriptures in the NT aside from an actual physical head. Here’s all of the examples in Paul’s letters.

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman,[b] and God is the head of Christ. 4 Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered disgraces his head. 5 But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered disgraces her head, for it is one and the same thing as having a shaved head. 6 For if a woman will not cover her head, she should cut off her hair. But if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, she should cover her head. 7 For a man should not have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God. But the woman is the glory of the man. 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for the sake of woman, but woman for man. 10 For this reason a woman should have a symbol of authority[c] on her head, because of the angels.[d]

Though this passage is on prophesy, Paul goes back not only to Creation Order but also indicates that head coverings and hair symbolize being under authority.

Ephesians 1:19 and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might 20 which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22 And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

I included the prior verses for more context, but it is fairly clear here that Paul is talking about Jesus’ dominion and authority over death which also extends to his authoritative headship over the Church.

Ephesians 4:14 [g]As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness [h]in deceitful scheming; 15 but [i]speaking the truth in love, [j]we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together [k]by what every joint supplies, according to the [l]proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

Paul refers to the head here in the context of fitting and holding together and directing the body. No direct references to authority though at the very least seems implied.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [r]respects her husband.

It is clear that wives are to be subject to their husbands and husbands are referred to analogously as the head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church. That appears to be authoritatively in the passages we have looked at so far. Husbands are commanded like Christ in Ephesians 4 to work in a synergistic manner with their wives.

Colossians 1:15 [w]He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For [x]by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He [y]is before all things, and in Him all things [z]hold together. 18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. 19 For [aa]it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the [ab]fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in [ac]heaven.

Again, Christ as the head of Church is denoted in the context of the passage to be authoritative.

Colossians 2:8 See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, [h]rather than according to Christ. 9 For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, 10 and in Him you have been made [i]complete, and He is the head [j]over all rule and authority;

Colossians 2:16 Therefore no one is to [n]act as your judge in regard to food or drink or in respect to a festival or a new moon or a Sabbath [o]day— 17 things which are a mere shadow of what is to come; but the [p]substance [q]belongs to Christ. 18 Let no one keep [r]defrauding you of your prize by delighting in [s]self-abasement and the worship of the angels, [t]taking his stand on visions he has seen, [u]inflated without cause by his fleshly mind, 19 and not holding fast to the head, from whom the entire body, being supplied and held together by the joints and [v]ligaments, grows with a growth [w]which is from God.

The first instance in Colossians 2 again refers head in the context of over all rule(rs) and authorities. The second is much like the Ephesians 4 passage where Christ is the head and supplying his strength to the body.

Matthew 21:42 Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures: “‘The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes’[h]? 43 “Therefore I tell you that the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people who will produce its fruit. 44 Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”[i] 45 When the chief priests and the Pharisees heard Jesus’ parables, they knew he was talking about them. 46 They looked for a way to arrest him, but they were afraid of the crowd because the people held that he was a prophet.

1 Peter 2:7 This precious value, then, is for you who believe; but for those who disbelieve, “The stone which the builders rejected, This became the very corner stone,” 8 and, “A stone of stumbling and a rock of offense”; for they stumble because they are disobedient to the word, and to this doom they were also appointed.

The word corner stone is termed kephale stone and is a quote from Psalm 118. This is Jesus referencing Himself to be the Messiah which is obviously authoritative to the Jews.

I believe I caught all of the variations referring to head(ship). All of the other references to head are an actual head.

Therefore, aside from arguments from Creation and Genesis, headship-submission in the marital passages, and others which are convincing on their own, it appears that any time NT authors refer to head(ship) in Christ it is a directly authoritative position. Obviously, this authoritative position needs to be used by the husband in marriage in a godly manner – Godly authority vs Gentile authority — but it also rules out mutual submission and other feminist arguments.

Driscoll has a new book called Act like a Man on his website.

He says that he was waiting to write it after 30 years of ministry and had kids that were grown up with faithful Christian spouses before writing it. Additionally, he punches back against the “woke” critics.

If you’ve been around these parts for a long time Driscoll leapt to fame by delivering the “How dare you” tirade against men who weren’t stepping up in womens’ lives while dating them covered extensively by Dalrock.

Since then he was ousted from Mars Hill in 2014, and started Trinity Church in Arizona in 2016. The former has been covered in the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill series which I commented on. I think there is some legitimate criticism of his behavior, but it is clear also that the egalitarians took it and ran with it to bash the complementarian position (not to mention the patriarchal).

The Mars Hill came out calling him to resign from Trinity in 2021. PDF

We sympathize with those who have been wounded by Mark and pray for their healing. We have engaged and heard from many former Mars Hill Church staff and members who were hurt by domineering leadership, harsh speech, and angry outbursts and are sobered by the devastation victims have suffered. We realize that Mark left deep pain in the lives of many by being unwilling to seek restoration and reconciliation with those he has sinned against. We grieve the harm that has come to The Trinity Church as well as the damage to the reputation of Jesus among unbelievers through Mark’s words and actions.

While qualifications for ministry may be in question, he at least appears to be right in James River debacle.

James River Church organizes annual “Stronger Men’s Conferences”. At the 2024 event, one of the opening acts was Alex Magala, a former go-go dancer (where men and women dance erotically in little clothes for monetary tips in the form of bills suspended from their clothes by patrons) who says he is an Orthodox Christian, born into Christianity by birth ceremony, and who performed a sword swallowing act while climbing a pole. He has said the purpose of the act was to “inspire audiences to reach new heights of what’s possible in their lives”. Later, planned speaker Mark Driscoll denounced Magala from the stage, saying that a “Jezebel spirit opened our event” and compared the act to an ancient pagan ritual. John Lindell told Driscoll he was out of line and “You’re done” and Driscoll gathered his things and left the stage.[12]

Driscoll has previously used the term “Jezebel spirit” many times, including during a 2023 sermon series in which he applied the phrase to the Biden-Harris administration and claimed that passive men and domineering women were ruining society.[13]

Similarly, correct in his acknowledgement of the problematic elements such as feminism in society.

Aside from this, I went to his website to investigate his teachings over the past few years to see if it’s something that men should be taking. Disclaimer: I have not read his book yet though I may in the future. I watched a large amount of videos on his teaching.

• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/roommates-girlfriend-moving/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/walls-of-past-hurts/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-should-christian-kids-date/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-we-get-out-of-a-rough-patch/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/can-i-remarry-or-does-my-past-forbid-that/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/should-we-start-a-mens-group/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/if-you-commit-adultery-do-you-have-to-tell-your-spouse/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-are-the-biblical-reasons-for-divorce/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/does-the-bible-require-women-to-wear-a-head-covering/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-it-ok-to-pray-with-the-person-you-are-dating/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/if-you-have-a-problem-with-the-bible-it-may-be-due-to-the-fact-god-has-a-problem-with-your-pants/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-should-you-parent-your-dating-teenager/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/do-christians-have-to-get-married-in-a-church/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-you-know-when-youre-ready-to-marry-someone/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-young-is-too-young-to-get-married/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-there-a-christian-way-to-do-birth-control/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-you-handle-strained-family-relationships-as-you-prepare-to-get-married/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-there-such-thing-as-a-soulmate-or-the-one/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-are-5-ways-men-oftentimes-abuse-the-bible/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/ask-pastor-mark-is-it-ok-to-elope-without-a-marriage-license-during-the-pandemic/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-it-ok-to-date-again-without-being-fully-divorced-because-of-government-shutdowns/

• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-it-a-sin-for-christians-have-a-prenuptial-agreement/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/should-christians-get-prenups/

• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-is-a-contract-marriage-versus-a-covenant-marriage/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-are-some-resources-you-can-use-to-help-your-marriage/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/ask-pastor-mark-what-steps-can-men-take-to-lead-their-homes-during-this-time/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-are-5-benefits-of-biblical-agreement-between-husbands-and-wives/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-you-move-forward-after-an-emotional-affair/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-i-get-my-husband-to-want-to-do-chores/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-should-i-do-if-my-husband-says-hes-not-a-believer-anymore/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-do-you-keep-your-marriage-strong-in-quarantine-with-no-date-nights/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/i-want-my-wife-to-work-and-she-wants-to-stay-home-with-our-kids-what-should-we-do/

• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/should-engaged-couples-agree-about-future-ministry/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/is-it-a-dealbreaker-if-your-potential-future-spouse-has-sin-in-their-past/
• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/what-should-you-do-if-you-feel-your-spouse-misled-you-prior-to-marriage/

• https://realfaith.com/ask-pastor-mark/how-should-you-handle-a-marriage-without-physical-intimacy/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/can-a-sxless-marriage-be-a-happy-one%e2%81%89%ef%b8%8f/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/how-much-sx-should-we-have/

• https://realfaith.com/sermons/is-the-enemy-coming-for-your-marriage/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/whats-wrong-with-your-marriage/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/whos-in-charge-of-your-marriage%e2%9d%93/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/is-your-marriage-like-heaven-or-hell-%f0%9f%98%b1/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/the-other-blue-pill-%f0%9f%94%b5/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/women-shouldnt-be-independent%e2%9d%97%ef%b8%8f/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/how-far-is-too-far%e2%81%89%ef%b8%8f/
• https://realfaith.com/sermons/is-being-a-provider-a-scam/

General summary:

1. Still puts more responsibility on the man than is due (e.g. female hypoagency), but better than federal headship. Acknowledges women can be wrong and sinful though and that they should be repentant unlike many complementarians who think women acting a certain way are a man’s fault.
2. Still occasionally likes to make single men the butt of jokes, but better than before. Very much of a men are slacking without understanding the background of why that has happened and why incentives have driven such behavior including the educational system being rigged against men.
3. Still is like most complementarians in that they try to dance around the issue of headship-submission and prefer agreement of the husband and wife as the ideal over headship authority
4. Believes in tradcon husband working and SAHM over husband’s ability to choose for wife to work or not. Won’t hesitate to call out men for not being a provider, but is more hesitant to call out wives for not submitting
5. Sex – typical choreplay recommendations but does offer additional suggestions like medical, counseling, etc. However, nothing about attraction. They do however quote 1 Corinthians 7 on conjugal rights and expect the women (or low sex drive spouse) to make some sacrifice for the high sex drive one which is more than most complementarians do.
6. He also appears to be at least cursory aware of the manosphere and red pill considering some of the titles of the sermons such as “the other blue pill” and some of the topics he covers within the videos.

Overall, somewhat better than most tradcons and complementarians but still has significant flaws. Again, I have not read his new book, but I’d expect it to be like most much of the tradcon advice given the above sermons and series I listed to but perhaps a bit better. I’d assume he’s read Tennant and Foster’s book “It’s good to be a man” at the very least. To give him some credit he does realized that many situations are very nuanced, but he has not completely understood ‘the red pill’ so to speak.

As Jesus and the Church is the model for the husband and the wife, let us look at one of the main examples of where Jesus let much of His “Church” walk away.

John 6:41 At this the Jews there began to grumble about him because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.” 42 They said, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?”

43 “Stop grumbling among yourselves,” Jesus answered. 44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day. 45 It is written in the Prophets: ‘They will all be taught by God.’[d] Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to me. 46 No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father. 47 Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. 48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. 50 But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”

52 Then the Jews began to argue sharply among themselves, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”

53 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. 56 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. 57 Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” 59 He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

61 Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

Jesus claims that He is the bread of life earlier in the chapter, and then the Jews start arguing about what that means. Jesus then goes into a series of cryptic answers about eating his body and drinking his blood (referring to Eucharist/Communion) though not explaining it to his disciples at that time. Eventually this causes many of His followers to leave. Jesus still had the 12 disciples along with the 70 that He sends out to minister later as well.

What does this mean for married Christian husbands with a rebellious wife? Well, we know Paul discusses that.

1 Corinthians 7:10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

The key is to keep following God by leading the family and her in the ways of Christ. If she refuses she can leave as Jesus’ followers do. You should not compromise serving God to appease your wife as Adam did with Eve and disobeyed God. Keep leading the family, keep managing the finances, do whatever it takes to lead well and with the fruit of the Spirit.

Eventually, you will likely have to have a conversation that may go something like this.

“Look, I’m trying to lead the family to obey God. If you want to keep being contentious (or unsubmissive, rebellious, etc.) then that’s on you. If you don’t want to be a Christian and follow God then you can leave.”

If she leaves, that’s OK just like many of Jesus’ followers did. You don’t need to continually fight for someone who has basically outed themselves as an unbeliever through their actions.

Christian wives to unbelieving husbands have their own specific passage in 1 Peter 3 exhorting them to be submissive and respective even to the unbeliever! But like 1 Corinthians 7 says if the unbelieving husbands leave then that’s OK.

But as long as you are with them you do have to do your best to obey God and follow what He says about your roles and responsibilities of marriage in the Bible. Lead the marriage even if there is resistance. Continue to pray and aim to be godly in every interaction. Model the grace and mercy that God and Jesus did with us. However, draw the boundaries and be firm around doing what is best for the family.

Jesus even says His followers will encounter strife and division among their (biological) families on account of following Him.

Luke 12:49 “I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 But I have a baptism to undergo, and what constraint I am under until it is completed! 51 Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52 From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

It is better to serve God than try to appease a wife or husband that is trying to drag you away from what God says to do. You can continue to serve God after too.

I would venture to say that most Christian denominations do not apply this Biblical instruction at all. Some are too divorce happy allowing unBiblical divorce. Some are too stringent forcing the marriage to stay together at all cost. Jesus in the gospels and Paul instructs us that it OK to allow the one not interested in following God to walk.

Where many denominations differ is if you can remarry after an unbeliever leaves. I hold more to the orthodox position of no remarriage as I’ve stated multiple times on this blog given it says stay single and reconcile, but one can go with their denomination or decide for themselves. It is a decision that they will be judged by God for eventually and not me.

I believe we’ve talked about this before, but maybe not have put it in these terms. This post is a review on the concepts and how a husband can get out of his wife’s friend zone.

Understanding the friend zone and escaping it covered the various scenarios in which a man can get out of the friend zone. These are the main 4 different ways.

• You were her friend, but she always liked you. She was waiting for you to ask her out.
• You were her friend, and you underwent some change to become a man while you didn’t see her for a while. When you meet her again you impress her.
• You were her friend, but you are developing into a man. Then one day her friend or some other random act of God makes her reconsider you and her eyes are proverbially opened.
• You were her friend, and she doesn’t know a certain side of you. An inadvertent crisis or significant display of social dominance or leadership shows her a side of you that she never saw before. She reconsiders you now as more attractive because of this masculine display.

Unfortunately, you’ll notice that some of these are ineffective or a bit harder to pull off when you are married to a wife who considers you unattractive or doesn’t want to have sex with you.

• The first one pretty much does not apply. She may have considered you attractive and liked you before, but if she’s married and does not want to have sex then she doesn’t now. This one does not apply.
• The second concept is good but it’s much harder because she will pretty much see you everyday. Hence, evident change is much harder to notice unless it is drastic.
• The third concept is typically only occurs if you can get the community on board to help change her mind and you actually are becoming attractive again.
• The fourth concept is good but like the second it is much harder to do because these scenarios don’t necessarily happen often if she is around you and knows you very well.

We can consider that the main effective ones are some blend of 2-4. This is why both the Christian and married red pill has traditionally focused on mission and self improvement holistically. A wife that has essentially friend zoned her husband already does not find him attractive or respect him, so there is the tough task to become become objectively attractive again. The main ways a man would approach this have been covered prior but here’s the common lists.

1. Christian men need to be on God’s mission. This gives a sense of purpose and direction along with being God’s will for our lives, and generally women tend to admire and respect men who are ambitious. It also takes so much focus off of her, so a man’s neediness for sex or affection aren’t continually turning her off. 1 Corinthians 7:29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not
2. Act as the head and leader of the family. Ephesians 5 and so on. Many times men become unattractive because they settle into the routine and may have started being lazier about doing these things. Be proactive about leading the family.
3. Aim to be excellent in all areas of life — spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. The Greek word for excellence in the Bible is arete and is traditionally associated with manliness. Obviously, the physical aspect of losing fat and gaining muscle is the most noticeable and effective, but the others pay dividends in spades as well transforming from a feminine mindset to a masculine mindset and regaining masculine traits.
4. Eliminating the turn offs. These are the habits and traits picked up which often lead to a husband following his wife’s lead rather than her following his lead. For example, No More Mr Nice Guy covers many different ways men may start to approach relationships from covert contracts, expectations, and a more feminine mindset rather than a masculine one. A man who walks on eggshells around his wife has already become the follower. One needs to approach conflict directly and be able to hold the ground despite a woman’s attitude if they are right especially spiritually.

It’s ideal if you can get the 3rd concept behind you with your Church and friends group. Iron sharpening iron with the men building other men up, and hopefully getting any of the girlfriends and wives on board to help influence your wife. Eliminate the malcontents and single divorcee’s if they are whisper evil in ears.

The best bet aside from the 3rd concept is the 2nd and 4th where over time the changes you made become habits and re-establish attractiveness, leadership, and traits that were there initially with or without other intervention from others and almost most definitely with God. Prayer for God to change hearts and minds is always a good idea.

If a wife is too far gone down the road of rebellion this may eventually lead to separation or divorce such as an unbeliever leaving. This is better to have that than be trapped with someone who does not want to be a wife and it gives more time to focus on God and those you love without having to worry about it.

Getting out the married friend zone is a difficult endeavor but it is possible to get out of it in many circumstances. This concludes the review.

Last post we went over Defining the headship authority model from Genesis to Christ and His Church which showed us the nature of Creation, man and woman, Christ and Church and how that relates to husbands and wives.

Since this has become a big topic of debate, it is worth considering what makes the opposite sex feel loved from a Biblical perspective. These are the 4 commands God gives to Adam and Eve and their marriage from the beginning.

Genesis 2 gives us more details about the ordering of creation. Man was created first, but there was no helper suitable for him. Hence, God created a helper suitable for him.

• The first command — rule and subdue the earth — could be fulfilled by Adam himself such as taking dominion over the beasts as they came to him and gave them names (Genesis 2). However, Eve could help with that.
• The second command — be fruitful and multiply — was unable to be fulfilled without Eve.
• The third command — cultivate and keep the garden — was being tended to by Adam but Eve could help with.
• The fourth command — Obey God: do not eat of the tree — Eve could obey as well.

One may ask what do these commands represent to make each of the opposite sex feel loved? I think it’s pretty clear once you think about it, but first you have to actually think about it.

Observably, what makes men feel loved is:

• Women who are enthusiastic about being with them
• Also enthusiastic sex
• Peace and not contentiousness – a woman who is a good follower and helper and not contentious

What do all of these traits that make men feel loved have to do with the commands? Well, we can see they are all there.

• Men take dominion over area(s) in life and cultivate and keep their sphere of influence and women who are good followers and helpers and not contentious about it
• Women who are enthusiastic about sex are being enthusiastic about being fruitful and multiplying
• All of these follow the model of Christ and the Church which is the analogy for husbands and wives where the Church follows Christ and conforms to Him.

Observably, what makes women feel loved is:

• Dominant men who want them to be theirs
• When dominant men take them which leads to high sexual arousal
• When dominant men have a vision and mission and she gets to play an integral role

To be a bit more clear on this, we can see this echoed in what Jesus does with the Church

• Jesus loves us so much that He died for the Church to make us children of God
• Jesus and His marriage to the Church
• Jesus delegating His mission to evangelize and disciple the whole world to His disciples and all Christians

For husbands and wives this is the same:

• Women want attractive dominant men to be interested in her and usually her only (the subject of billions of womens’ porn)
• Wives are most sexually aroused when her dominant husband sexually takes her
• When wives know their place within her man’s mission to help him and confirm to him. This is what we see with respectful and submissive wives and unfortunate alpha widows who would do anything for their man.

These also echo the 4 patterns that we saw previously:

Thus, if we want to include the additional example that parallels the headship model we now have 4 forms in which it applies.

• Headship authority-Submission
• Love-Respect
• Dominion-Humility
• Commitment-Conformity

These 4 going forward can help us further understand not only the Bible but also male and female relationships.

A wife’s submission, respect, humility, and conformity to the husband make him feel loved while a husband’s authority, love, dominion, and commitment make her feel loved.

Overall, the Bible describes what is sexually attractive to men and women at Creation in the garden, and it also should not surprise us that what makes the opposite sex feel loved is baked into those commands as well. We just have been too ignorant to closely examine the Scriptures to learn this knowledge.

One thing that I think helps with understanding the Biblical models of headship-submission and love-respect is understanding how Christ and the Church emulates the model that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit lay out in Genesis.

A Christian understanding of attraction, and the role it plays in marriage: Dominion is baked into the cake. Part 4

• Rule and subdue the earth — 26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” […] 28b and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
• Be fruitful and multiply — 28a God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth,

We will come back to these two commands after the next point.

Genesis 2:15 Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. 16 The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; 17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”

God has two more commands:

• Cultivate and keep the garden (directed to Adam and not Eve)
• Don’t eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.

21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said,“This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2 gives us more details about the ordering of creation. Man was created first, but there was no helper suitable for him. Hence, God created a helper suitable for him.

• The first command — rule and subdue the earth — could be fulfilled by Adam himself such as taking dominion over the beasts as they came to him and gave them names (Genesis 2). However, Eve could help with that.
• The second command — be fruitful and multiply — was unable to be fulfilled without Eve.
• The third command — cultivate and keep the garden — was being tended to by Adam but Eve could help with.
• The fourth command — Obey God: do not eat of the tree — Eve could obey as well.

The 4 main commands that God lays out in Genesis for man and woman are these.

How does Jesus call Christians — His bride the Church — to emulate these 4 different commands?

• The first command — rule and subdue the earth — could be fulfilled by Adam himself such as taking dominion over the beasts as they came to him and gave them names (Genesis 2). However, Eve could help with that.
• The second command — be fruitful and multiply — was unable to be fulfilled without Eve.

The first of these is exemplified in the Great Commission.

Matthew 28:8 And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. 19 Go, therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to follow all that I commanded you; and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Jesus delegates the authority to the disciples and Church to take dominion over all of the earth by making disciples of all nations.

The Christian act of being fruitful and multiplying is not purely a reproductive act by Christian husbands and wives but discipleship is a form of son-ship.

1 Timothy 1:18 Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well,

2 Timothy 1:2 To Timothy, my dear son: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. Thanksgiving 3 I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. 4 Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. 5 I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. Appeal for Loyalty to Paul and the Gospel 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Just as Jesus made us sons and daughters of God, the same thing happens when we are both physical fathers and mothers but also spiritual fathers and mothers to the new generation of Christians. This is building them up from being born again in the faith (John 3) to spiritual infants (1 Corinthians 3, 1 Peter 2, Hebrews 5-6) to maturity in Christ (1 Corinthians 13, Hebrews 5, Ephesians 4, Colossians 1, et al) and making disciples of their own (Matthew 28).

1 Corinthians 11:2 I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the traditions just as I passed them on to you. 3 But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

It bears repeating for the dissenters that:

• God is the head of Christ — Jesus submitted to and obeyed the authority of God in His role here on earth even in the hard things that He did not want to do. His prayers in Gethsemane exemplify his struggle to obey God even through hardship
• Christ is the head of the Church — Jesus calls us to obey his Commandments, and they are the way that we show that we love Him.
• Men are the head of the Church, and husbands are the head of wives — It’s obvious that the same analogies are being used for authority with headship-submission and love-respect.

No ambiguous parsing denies the overarching themes of the Scripture.

Rather, as dominion is baked into the cake, it is Jesus authority, dominion and victory over death that attracts and draws us to Him just as wives as drawn to the dominion of husbands exemplified in the various PSALM and masculine traits. Our own humility to come under His banner leads to joining the Church and eventual marriage to Christ and Oneness.

This distinctly parallels the validational sex equation originally posited by Jack.

Validation = Domination + Sanctification (if holy)/Defilement(if unholy) –> Humility + Ego Affirmation –> Her Feeling Loved

1. Domination (before, during, and after sex)
2. Feeling of being possessed
3. Humility (he takes what is his) + Ego affirmation (he wants me) + sanctification/defilement (she is his, and no other)
4. Her feeling loved

Equation form: Validational sex = Domination (before, during, and after sex) –> Feeling of being possessed –> Humility (he takes what is his) + Ego affirmation (he wants me) + sanctification in marriage, defilement otherwise (she is his, and no other) –> Her feeling loved

The validational sex equation does not just apply to sexual attraction and sexual arousal but also to the relational and marital commitment. Indeed, we can see firsthand how women are happy and willing to change for the man they consider to be very attractive just as we as Christians are happy and willing to strive to be like Christ.

• The third command — cultivate and keep the garden — was being tended to by Adam but Eve could help with.

The two main areas in the Church that Jesus tasks men to engage in headship to cultivate and to keep are Church (1 Corinthians 11) and of the family (Ephesians 5). This is why the headship authoritative positions are tasked to men in the Church (1 Corinthians 11-14, 1 Timothy 2) and husbands the marriage and family (1 Corinthians 11, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, Titus 2, 1 Peer 3). The elders, overseers, and teaching roles in the Church are charged to men like it is in the the family with the husband being tasked the authoritative roles.

I’m not going to quote all of these Scriptures here, but you can explore them for yourself.

• The fourth command — Obey God: do not eat of the tree — Eve could obey as well.

Jesus likewise gives the Church commands to obey God.

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

Likewise, He gives husbands the commands to use their headship authority for the purpose of sanctification to lead their wives to be more like Christ.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

As we know, Jesus does not denigrate authority nor deny it, but calls those in authority to love and to serve.

John 13:12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Summary

We can see the numerous examples from the perfection of Creation in Genesis to the perfection of the Christ and Church model of headship that the (male) leaders of the Church and husbands leaders of the family are supposed to emulate.

There are many examples of this model all throughout Scripture, so it should not be a surprise that husbands and wives also closely follow this model. Attraction also follows our understanding of the dynamic.

Thus, if we want to include the additional example that parallels the headship model we now have 4 forms in which it applies.

• Headship authority-Submission
• Love-Respect
• Dominion-Humility
• Commitment-Conformity

These 4 going forward can help us further understand not only the Bible but also male and female relationships.

Source

I’ve gone over the spinsterhood and childlessness projections before,

They estimate it’s going to be about 25% in the long run, or approximately on the upper bounds of what I estimated. However, that’s just singleness and doesn’t necessarily include unwanted cohabitation. Therefore, the number of women that are unhappy is likely about 10% larger than that which would place that around 35%.

The new data jives closely with what I predicted which would be the unwanted spinsterhood and unwanted cohabitation would likely be around 35%. Theoretically, it could still keep getting worse but we’ll see.

Since about 33% of women are freezing themselves out the market or unwanted cohabitation, I’d estimate there’s going to be in the range of 15-20% indefinitely incel men. Some amount of these 33% women won’t want to share some man, don’t want to cohabitate, or other options but they will do it anyway.

Most men and most women will still get married and stay married, but you will want to be in the top 50% if not the top 20% to have attraction working for you in terms of being a strong, masculine leader and the rest of the attractive traits.

These two concepts are distinctly different from Genuine/Godly and Gentile Authority. I’ve talked about them a little before, but I wanted to make a post specifically on how they work. I think this brings a lot of light to much of the problems that happen in relationships and marriage.

• Institutional authority is basically what it says. The Bible distinguishes several Institutional authorities in our lives. For instance, the earthly authorities we are to obey as Christians.

1 Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, 14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.

God also sets up the hierarchical structures in the Church (male led) and family (husband led).

• Influential authority is more of an implied authority based on certain circumstances.

For example, go to a doctor or hospital if we’re sick because the doctors have been educated to help us treat the illnesses. We go to various teachers or tutors to help us with our school work if we need help. We can call an electrician, plumber, auto mechanic, and many others if we have problems that we don’t know that can be solved. We follow the advice of subject matter experts (SMEs) all the time when we don’t know the answers.

Therefore, Influential authority is generally based on a trust in the qualities such as education, expertise, competence, and respect for that person based on that particular area in what they’re good in.

Sexual attractiveness is also to some degree an influential authority – we’re more likely to trust someone who is physical attractive — male or female — than we are to trust someone less attraction. However, the respect gained from a potential source of influential authority can also improve attractiveness, as we often see with the teacher-student, doctor-nurse, lawyer-secretary type relationships.

In summary, Institutional authority is an overt structure while Influential authority is typically a covert structure. The latter can have visible signs, but it’s unlikely to be discerned until the person who is following or deferring to that person over others happens.

Interactions of authority

Jesus is actually an example of both Institutional and Influential authority

• Institutional – Jesus comes from the Father and is representation of God with us. However, some people such as the disciples and other followers believed this while many of the religious leaders of the day such as the Pharisees and Sadducees did not.
• Influential – Jesus uses this method to call His disciples with the “Come follow me” phrase spread throughout the gospel. He did not claim to be God and tell them to follow Him, but instead was teaching others and invited them to come with Him on the journey.

Interestingly, this is actually a good pattern for relationships as Jesus:Church is the analogy for the husband:wife as we’ve discussed before.

Although the Bible preaches Institutional authority of the Church and family, this is generally not the way you would assert to lead the Church or family. The better way is to often build the influence you have with the particular groups through faithful service a la 1 Timothy 3 qualities in the Church or display of PSALM, masculinity, and leadership traits for men. Typically such men are promoted internally in the Church or women are more likely to want to follow a man with such qualities.

Genuine and Gentile authority can be used both ways within each of these.

• Gentile + Institutional authority where you often have dictator figures who oppress others and use the authority to benefit themselves
• Genuine + Institutional authority where you typically have more beloved secular leaders who are taking the needs of the people they lead as great concerns
• Gentile + Influential authority where you have your attractive bad boys that tend to break womens’ hearts once the women figure out the man is not going to give them what they want such as marriage, or they eventually figure out that he’s not good for them because they are treated poorly long enough
• Genuine + Influential authority where you have a solid godly relationship that both parties can appreciate.

You would think these are the only 4 options, but there are combinations of all 3 as well.

• Gentile + Institutional + Influential authority – This is where you have a dictator figure who is out to benefit himself, but he has solid influential authority through competence and charisma where he can spin it into also supposedly being good for the people too.
• Genuine + Institutional + Influential authority – This is the structure the Bible states that is for Christian families. The best marriages I know are built on this.

In my opinion, these structure also help to explain some of Jack’s confusion on the topic between the headship + tingly-respect and peaceful unity models.

• Genuine + Institutional + Influential results is the combination of godly (genuine) + headship (institutional) + tingly respect (influential).
• Genuine + Influential authority results in the peaceful unity model – godly (genuine) + tingly respect (influential) – where there can be godliness and success absent the Institutional nature of overt headship. However, this model only works as long as there is typically both godliness and influential authority. A wife who eschews Christianity is more prone to leave as is a woman who starts to become contentious if the husband is not implicitly leading well though he not be the overt leader. In other words, it works until it doesn’t.
• The additional layer of the Institutional nature of headship is not only godly, but it also ensures that husbands ideally have Christian and Church backup in case of wifely rebellion. Likewise, the confidence to use the authority in a godly manner if a wife is rebellious.

This should now make most things clear.

In conclusion

The ideal nature of Biblical marriage should result in a marriage based on Genuine (godly) + Institutional (headship) + Influential (tingly-respect) authority.

This distinguishes between why the 3 part authority is important. The 2 part ones can be potentially successful and godly in some manner, but they are missing the extra layer of sanctification and reaffirmation that tends to make the marriages much more stronger and resistant against temptation.

Additionally, although Godliness and Institutional natures are part of marriage, they are not the way Jesus initiates the relationship with His disciples and the Church. He does this through Influential authority as opposed to the others. Men would best focus on doing that if they want a woman to be in a relationship with them.