dappledlight

I feel like I need to get a good update in. I haven't written properly on here in what is most probably an epic long time!

And what I would like to do now is have some amusing, happy or anicodatal story to tell, but I don't. Urgh.

Good news:

* Amy asked me to be Carys' Godmother
Wooooooooooooohoooooooooooooo! YEEHAH!

I'm actually majorly psyched about this!

I've been sooo much closer to Amy since Carys was about 5 months old, than I have been for several years. When Amy asked me to maid of honour at her wedding it felt kind of weird because we had drifted so far apart that I wasn't sure how to act around her.
Now our friendship is so natural and easy it's like we've always been this close.

Carys is very much like a daughter to me. I absolutely adore her! I got her a drum and a toddle along turtle for her 1st birthday and she loved them! It gave me a massive grin all over my face.

I mean, being Andrew's godmother was a big honour, but I never really got to spend time with Andrew, God rest his soul, so I just didn't have the same love for him that I do for Carys. I'm determined to be a great Godmother for her.

I know I have a kind of selfish reason for being so delighted about it too. It's like an outlet for all the maternal feelings that I developed for my baby, and never got to use. I don't know if that's a bit weird...? Maybe it is. It's not like I delude myself or anything. God no, I'm not a freak! But I do feel so much better having someone to care about, and be proud of, be amazed at when she started crawling, when she starts walking and talking.

*Good job

It turns out that I really enjoy my job. The hours can be a bit inconvenient at times, but I like who I work with, and the people that you meet are all so different, it keeps me on my toes.

I don't know how long I'll be here. I do miss having a weekend, and 9-5, when I know my social life won't suffer. As it is, every early, if I'm not spending my evening with Martin I feel like I've wasted it. Which is ridiculous! I'm pretty sure I should go back and see my therapist again... more on that later.

Bad news:

*My hampster died

Now, I am aware that I sound like the most pathetic 6 year old here, but it really upset me!

I found lying looking all broken at the bottom of her cage, and it was just shocking because she was only a couple of months old. And I don't know what happened, I thought maybe she'd broken her neck, but by the time I'd got Martin with me to come bury her, and I went to move her, rigor mortis had set in, so I don't know if that would affect whether her head flopped or not.

Then again, I think she may have been ill because she vomitted (I think) some white stuff into her ball twice, but she always seemed fine afterwards so I didn't worry at the time.

It would affect me so much if I still lived at home, but as it is, she was my thing to come home to and stop me being quite so lonely. Strange how much importance I set on her. But I feel a bit better about it now, I've cleaned out the cage and put it away. Martin tells me he's going to buy me a Biscuit II for my birthday, which would be nice :)

*Martin and I are still weird

I'm not entirely sure why I can't let go of him anymore. It shouldn't be this hard, right?

But we are such a strange pair, as Flynn often tells me. In some ways we are so completely right for eachother, and we spend so much time, and I invest so much in him that it's difficult to see how things could possibly be any other way.

We know eachother inside out, and are so tactile and attuned to eachother - it's just so wrong!

I look at him and I can't help smiling. He's so beautiful, and I love every bit of him, all his mannerisms, the way he walks, or stands or holds himself, or this big goofy grin he does, or the way his eyes crinkle and you can't see the deep blue of them anymore. Everything.

But essentially the point that I don't seem to be able to get through my head and into my mind is that he doesn't want me. I know it. It's not that I don't. Every cell of me is aware that to him I am nothing more than something to fuck when he hasn't had any in a while. Well, that's a bit crude. I'm his best friend. But in terms of being lovers, that's what I meant. He doesn't look at me and want to kiss me, or love me with anything more than friendship in his heart.

As much as I know it, I can't let go of this love for him. Now why the hell is that?

As I think I once said: ARGLEBARGLEFUCKINGMCSHITNESS!

I'm not going to dwell because it will just nose dive me into a huge bout of depression which I could do without. Wouldn't it be nice to understand yourself?



Anyway, on a completely different aside, JEEBUS HOLY MARY AND JOSEPH! I shall be 21 soon! EEEEEEK! I'll be an adult soon, with even more responsibilities.

But more importantly, it's my last "good" birthday, and I have thought of nothing to do with which to celebrate the passing of this event. I'm not really a party person, and I don't like clubbing, and I can't really afford anything big. But by the same token I don't just want yet another evening in the pub. Suggestions? PLEEEEEEEASE

Offski now... at work don't you know :S