o_O

dappledlight — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 20:02:10 GMT

Oh my word! I can't believe I've been using LJ for 8 years now! How crazy is that!?

dappledlight — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 19:43:34 GMT

I'M ENGAGED I'M ENGAGED I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

dappledlight — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 23:54:33 GMT

I am so so so happy right now. I cannot believe that life could get any better!!!!

dappledlight — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:10:17 GMT

I think I've ruined everything. Yet again.

I shouldn't have told him why I was feeling sad because now he's all weird and a bit distancey again and stuff.

I hate hate HATE my life

About time..

dappledlight — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:43:34 GMT

I feel like I need to get a good update in. I haven't written properly on here in what is most probably an epic long time!

And what I would like to do now is have some amusing, happy or anicodatal story to tell, but I don't. Urgh.

Good news:

* Amy asked me to be Carys' Godmother
Wooooooooooooohoooooooooooooo! YEEHAH!

I'm actually majorly psyched about this!

I've been sooo much closer to Amy since Carys was about 5 months old, than I have been for several years. When Amy asked me to maid of honour at her wedding it felt kind of weird because we had drifted so far apart that I wasn't sure how to act around her.
Now our friendship is so natural and easy it's like we've always been this close.

Carys is very much like a daughter to me. I absolutely adore her! I got her a drum and a toddle along turtle for her 1st birthday and she loved them! It gave me a massive grin all over my face.

I mean, being Andrew's godmother was a big honour, but I never really got to spend time with Andrew, God rest his soul, so I just didn't have the same love for him that I do for Carys. I'm determined to be a great Godmother for her.

I know I have a kind of selfish reason for being so delighted about it too. It's like an outlet for all the maternal feelings that I developed for my baby, and never got to use. I don't know if that's a bit weird...? Maybe it is. It's not like I delude myself or anything. God no, I'm not a freak! But I do feel so much better having someone to care about, and be proud of, be amazed at when she started crawling, when she starts walking and talking.

*Good job

It turns out that I really enjoy my job. The hours can be a bit inconvenient at times, but I like who I work with, and the people that you meet are all so different, it keeps me on my toes.

I don't know how long I'll be here. I do miss having a weekend, and 9-5, when I know my social life won't suffer. As it is, every early, if I'm not spending my evening with Martin I feel like I've wasted it. Which is ridiculous! I'm pretty sure I should go back and see my therapist again... more on that later.

Bad news:

*My hampster died

Now, I am aware that I sound like the most pathetic 6 year old here, but it really upset me!

I found lying looking all broken at the bottom of her cage, and it was just shocking because she was only a couple of months old. And I don't know what happened, I thought maybe she'd broken her neck, but by the time I'd got Martin with me to come bury her, and I went to move her, rigor mortis had set in, so I don't know if that would affect whether her head flopped or not.

Then again, I think she may have been ill because she vomitted (I think) some white stuff into her ball twice, but she always seemed fine afterwards so I didn't worry at the time.

It would affect me so much if I still lived at home, but as it is, she was my thing to come home to and stop me being quite so lonely. Strange how much importance I set on her. But I feel a bit better about it now, I've cleaned out the cage and put it away. Martin tells me he's going to buy me a Biscuit II for my birthday, which would be nice :)

*Martin and I are still weird

I'm not entirely sure why I can't let go of him anymore. It shouldn't be this hard, right?

But we are such a strange pair, as Flynn often tells me. In some ways we are so completely right for eachother, and we spend so much time, and I invest so much in him that it's difficult to see how things could possibly be any other way.

We know eachother inside out, and are so tactile and attuned to eachother - it's just so wrong!

I look at him and I can't help smiling. He's so beautiful, and I love every bit of him, all his mannerisms, the way he walks, or stands or holds himself, or this big goofy grin he does, or the way his eyes crinkle and you can't see the deep blue of them anymore. Everything.

But essentially the point that I don't seem to be able to get through my head and into my mind is that he doesn't want me. I know it. It's not that I don't. Every cell of me is aware that to him I am nothing more than something to fuck when he hasn't had any in a while. Well, that's a bit crude. I'm his best friend. But in terms of being lovers, that's what I meant. He doesn't look at me and want to kiss me, or love me with anything more than friendship in his heart.

As much as I know it, I can't let go of this love for him. Now why the hell is that?

As I think I once said: ARGLEBARGLEFUCKINGMCSHITNESS!

I'm not going to dwell because it will just nose dive me into a huge bout of depression which I could do without. Wouldn't it be nice to understand yourself?

Anyway, on a completely different aside, JEEBUS HOLY MARY AND JOSEPH! I shall be 21 soon! EEEEEEK! I'll be an adult soon, with even more responsibilities.

But more importantly, it's my last "good" birthday, and I have thought of nothing to do with which to celebrate the passing of this event. I'm not really a party person, and I don't like clubbing, and I can't really afford anything big. But by the same token I don't just want yet another evening in the pub. Suggestions? PLEEEEEEEASE

Offski now... at work don't you know :S

dappledlight — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 19:36:26 GMT

i'm so sick of having the piss taken out of me, and everything i do ridiculed, had to just storm out in some kind of childish huff because argh! If hurts me so much

dappledlight — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:39:30 GMT

I am unable to sleep. I'm alternating between watching biscuit eat her honey stick, and wondering why the people who got through to quiz call haven't worked out that you open a bottle of WINE!! ...Idiots

dappledlight — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:49:34 GMT

About two hours ago I got this overwhelming surge of loneliness. Result being that I feel awful and can't stop crying. Great.

dappledlight — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:35:29 GMT

It's been a while on here. Lack of internet, but new phone contract means i can use the internet on here, so that's all good! Today i'm not feeling so great. My tummy hurts and i'm feeling quite lonely. Sometimes living on my own isn't so great. I miss being loved. Sigh. However, up until today i've been rather happy, so i'm hoping i can get back to that. Happy suits me better!

dappledlight — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:35:03 GMT

I have GOT to stop eating or else I shall continue to be MEGA FAT! I hate being me :(

dappledlight — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 11:02:02 GMT

SNNNNOOOOW!

Which is allowed now because he's back in England!!! :D:D

dappledlight — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 10:03:11 GMT

Make a list of things you can see without getting up: Telephone, elastic band ball, post-it notes, comp slips, a sunflower box, mini stapler, page tags, pig, photo in frame - there are too many things!

How do you style your hair? Side parting

What are you wearing now? Black trousers grey top

What is one of your favourite experiences? Fairport festival

What's your ideal/pefect job? I don't think I have one. Each has it's flaws for me.

Whats your poison? Chocolate

Who was the last person you hugged? Martin

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction? Family Guy

What was the last thing you ate today? Chilli con Carne

What was the last thing you said aloud? "Yeah, it's pretty bad"

What websites do you always visit when you go online? Facebook, hotmail

Last thing you bought: New wheels.

What are you listening to right now? Dannika playing hang man

What's the last song that got stuck in your head? I think it was that song on the Barclays advert

If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Hummm.. flying. My fuel costs would be non-existant!

What is your favorite weather, and why? Sunny, because it doesn't stop anything.

How are you? Anxious

Who would you take to the pub for a pint? Terry Pratchett

Say something to the person who tagged you.: Heawo!

dappledlight — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:24:28 GMT

Wooo!

Feel elated!

Wendy doesn't hate me, and she's pleased with the improvements that I've made, and I will be getting a contract and she feels I fit in and everything is good and happy and YAAAAAY!!!!!!

I was so worried that I was going to be fired, but no, Wendy is happy with me! Such a relief!

She says I'm confident and have great skills and was really suprised that I had been worrying about not getting a contract!

The world is good again.

Well, ish.

Spending muchly time with Martin recently, he says he prefers spending evenings at my house to his house, and we eat together and spend our evenings together, and we cuddle on the sofa, play games, all coupley stuff, but we're still not together and I really just want to shout at him like WHAT THE HELL?! We are soooo right for eachother and I just wish he could see it! We make eachother happy, surely that's what it's all about?
Grr!

But I don't want to say anything to spoil it because I'm really enjoying being so close again.

Does suck rather a huge amount though.

On the plus side, my new flat is now all beautifully decorated and is very cosy etc and the only thing I'm having trouble with now is sticking to my budgets. Very little success on that front recently. Lookinh forward to pay day. Noty so worried about rent, but my utilities bill is somewhat of an unknown so I'm rather nervous about that. Ah well, suck it up when it comes.

dappledlight — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:26:06 GMT

Still hasn't fucking text me! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!

dappledlight — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:31:23 GMT

Baby Carys May Pitt was born at 2:30 am this morning, weighing 6 pounds and 13 ounces.

I haven't seen her yet, but I just can't wait, I know she will be so beautiful, and I've thought about this moment since we were both little girls.

I am so happy for Amy!

Or I'm trying to be. I mean, I genuinely am delighted for her, it's so amazing.

I just can't help feeling horribly sad about it. I should have been looking forward to the moment when that was me.
And I'm not; and every time I think about it it tears me apart, I get this feeling like the bottom has fallen out of my stomach, and I just want to scream.

Why my baby?
What did I do so wrong, to deserve that?

I can't cope with it. I can't stand life, and all the horrible things that have happened. I can't stand knowing that my baby, my precious baby, got flushed down a toilet.

I just.... I can't cope!

I need to talk about it so much, but I've got noone to talk to. I'm just so so alone.

dappledlight — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:59:47 GMT

I haven't said anything in a while, but right now I feel I should note the following things down.

For the last two months, and at the present I:

Hate my life
Miss being pregnant
Miss Martin. Still.
Am always on the verge of suicide. Still.
Am depressed.
Am stubborn.
Miss my baby.
Cry myself to sleep every night thinking of all the great things my baby would have done.
Am very very fed up of not being able to move on.
Am frustrated.

:'(

dappledlight — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 23:22:34 GMT

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE

dappledlight — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:36:30 GMT

Our baby died.

I had surgery yesterday.

I feel more like shit than it is possible to explain or understand.

I want my baby back :(

dappledlight — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 11:59:39 GMT

After today... only 1 exam left. YAY

dappledlight — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 13:59:24 GMT

Well I may have just started on the downward trend of complete failure that is my life, with my first Sociology exam. Oh god!

dappledlight — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:06:34 GMT

Rozie hasn't had a shag in ages and is REALLY frustrated!

Furthermore, she misses the most perfect man ever so much that everytime she thinks about him her eyes well up and her tummy feels empty.

:(

dappledlight — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 12:50:34 GMT

Ok, so I didn't finish last night, but I am DETERMINED to finish it before 3. Analysis is going ok, I have done : 676 words at 13:22 pm.
PRGRESS WILL BE MADE!! :D

Edit: 13:34 pm 749 words

... progress needs to be faster!

Edit: 13:47 pm 806 words

GO FASTER!!

Edit: 14:07 pm 1013 words

Only another 987 left to go...

Edit: 14:21 pm 1189 words

Come on...

Edit: 14:28 pm 1264 words

Edit: 14:38pm 1346 words

... URGH

Edit: 14:49 pm1441 words

Ok, so this is sooo not gonna be done by 3. Only another 459 words to go...

Edit: 14:56 pm 1524 words

Edit: 15:22 pm 1775 words

And ending there.... moving on....conclusion

dappledlight — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:16:12 GMT

Too bloody tired to do this coursework.

Absolutely cannot skive ANOTHER lesson off. URGH

dappledlight — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 23:32:15 GMT

I mean, if I could procrastinate to any higher level this holiday I may well have exploded. It is the last night of the holidays, just before I go back to college, and I have English coursework to start/finish to a high enough standard that it could be my final piece; and English essay to write; Psychology coursework to redraft; and finally but less urgently, I must write essay plans for a load of Sociology essays. Wow, I am soooo fucking my life up.

BOO! HISSSS!

However, writing this is further procrastination. Grr at myself

dappledlight — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:15:04 GMT

Such a strange strange month.

Feels pretty crap.

Martin came home yesterday, oh god, it was so amazing to see him again! Was kind of a bit of a really sad moment.

We... well, as mentioned in previous entry, have been having quite a few signs of pregnancy for quite a few weeks now. Then my period did not arrive. Martin was in Spain or some such equally useful place at the time. Well yeah, it didn't come and it didn't come some more, and then the day Martin is due home, aka yesterday, I get these INSANELY crippling pains, bleeding worse than I've ever had before. I'm ALWAYS light.

So anyway, yeah. Martin's sure that I was pregnant and is absolutely terrified that I've miscarried. I didn't even think about it, but now that he's said it, it's all I can think about, I'm so worried that that's what's happening.

I called NHS direct and the nurse on the phone told me that we can't know whether I was pregnant because I hadn't taken a test, that I should keep an eye on myself, make sure I drink lots of fluids and rest. But seriously, how can I? I feel like shit.

If I was pregnant then I could have dealt with it. Inconvenient, but I could have dealt with it. If I'm not and never was, then that's fine, but losing a baby would crush me. It'd crush Martin. I think... it's like... we don't specifically want kids right now, but if we had them we would be really happy. So... I think we'd kind of reached this stage wherein we'd accepted that I was probably pregnant, and we were sort of.... I dunno, excited about it I guess.

So to know that's not happening, especially if I've miscarried just feels like my stomach's been ripped out and stamped on. And knowing that I can't find out is making it a whole lot worse. Whoever said ignorance is bliss was talking BULLSHIT!

Poo. Poo day, really.