The phone rang last night while I was clipping my toenails in the middle of the living room. Justin looked at me in horror and I explained that it makes it easy to clean up since I can just run the Dyson over the carpet. I don't get a lot of phone calls -- my preference is usually text or e-mail -- and so I didn't prioritize running to the phone over finishing the grooming.

The voicemail was from my mother. In a sing-songy nonchalant voice (as is her way), she announced that she was at the hospital, had been in a car accident and that her leg was really swollen. I immediately called her back and she didn't answer. I tried sister #3, who didn't answer. I tried sister #2, who hadn't yet heard the news, and we agreed that we were going up there immediately.

Nobody could really figure out how she was injured the way she was. She was fine immediately after the accident aside from a little shaken. My cousin went to pick her up, they went into a restaurant (because after a 40-minute drive with a huge bottle of water, cuz had to use the restroom), and then on the way out, mom started feeling pain and couldn't put a lot of pressure on her left foot. They went to an urgent care and it was getting progressively worse as they waited, so they went on to the emergency room. The car had been hit on the passenger side (and looks like it will be totaled to me), and the tightness and bruising was on the inside of her left leg. The doctors couldn't theorize exactly how it had happened.

As is typical with most of my family's ailments and injuries (we're lucky that way), the symptoms didn't fall in a typical pattern. The doctors ruled out compartment syndrome that would have required surgery but gave us signs to watch for, and her CT scans were fine. She and my cousin fired off a million questions and after talking to my grandparents, had to hunt the doctor down and ask a few more. That's pretty much how all my family's hospital visits go, and we sort of come off a little ass-holey (I'm sure there's a better word for it) but aside from us being a "medical family" there is always the context of my aunt's death and malpractice trial that keeps everyone vigilant.

They offered pain medicine but vicodin and percocet make her sick, so he just gave her an ortho referral for follow-up and discharged her. The whole thing took a few hours. They told her the color won't return to normal for a few weeks but she's hoping to at least put some pressure on it by Monday. My fingers are crossed.

A new rapid-development project with SQL, ASP and VBA/Access components that has been sucking away every minute of my workday (and many "thinking hours" at home and while sleeping) for the last few weeks is finally moving on to field testing (as soon as I can finish up this last bit of sync code...) so I've taken today to breathe a bit, catch up on some (work-related, of course) e-mails and prioritize my projects for the rest of the week. With a good 30 minutes left before I can head home and nothing pressing to do, I thought I'd take a moment to write in ye olde LJ.

Since I'm on the topic of work, perhaps it would be good to give an update on the whole raise thing and my resulting career path.

After taking a few days to think about what had happened and what I needed to happen, I decided I didn't need to take "no" for an answer. More specifically, I didn't need to (and probably couldn't) trust my boss to be the right advocate for me to the higher-ups.

As it turned out, I was right. I met first with his boss (medical director), and then the business manager, who I knew was the biggest obstacle, but also one that I've had a fair degree of success navigating where others have failed. My relationship with her is no accident... when you figure out who wears the pants, that's the person you make sure values your efforts. It turns out my boss hadn't even shared my competitive salary research with them... they hadn't seen the numbers to see just how underpaid I am. That opened the door to more conversations, a formal compensation review, a mandated increase from HR of about 0.5% that I negotiated up to about 6.5% -- less than what I was hoping for, but more than I would have received if I had taken the initial answer without pursuing, and I'm fairly confident it is more than they would have given anyone else.

Through the process, I was reassured how valued I am, but also given some insight into a pretty bleak financial picture for our department. We're a student clinic that is funded mostly by premiums from student health insurance plans. The new healthcare laws allow students to stay on their parents insurance plans until 25 and our insurance enrollment is dropping dramatically because of it. Cash reserves are plummeting, and though they are working on ways to keep revenue up, there's no telling if we'll even be in business in 2-3 years. So the problem, while not really mine to deal with, is real.

For my future, then, I am not immediately looking for something new, but I am keeping my eyes open, and I am pursuing appropriate personal development opportunities. I have been accepted into an online-based Health Information Technology program at Cincinnati State funded by a government grant that will enhance and legitimize my healthcare workflow and process redesign skills that I developed "in the trenches." Based on how that goes, I may pursue some industry-specific certifications as well. I think this is the right field for me, which is more than a lot of people can say right now, so I am grateful for that.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. Last week was pretty rough for me. I was distracted and a little bitter, unable to accomplish very much at all. It really was good timing that I'd scheduled Thursday and Friday off for a trip to New York City. Yes, back again to one of my favorite places in the world.

I implemented a cloud-based CRM for the chorus last year that combined our systems for online ticketing and subscription management, mailing list/contacts, donations and e-mail marketing. It's called PatronManager and it is actually a series of customized packages running on top of Salesforce.com. I've been a fan of the vendor (Patron Technology) for a few years and so I was delighted to accept an invitation from them to join a handful of other clients (6 local, 5 from outside New York) for a two-day workshop on getting the most out of the product (with a travel stipend!) They picked those of us who did great implementations and who they thought really "got it."

So the trip? Yes, the trip. *le sigh* -- I mean, I really do love New York City and look for any chance to visit.

Theater
Without a doubt my favorite part of a trip. I saw Porgy And Bess on Friday, Priscilla Queen Of The Desert and Rock of Ages on Saturday. Porgy was ok. I only saw it because Audra McDonald was playing Bess, and she was breathtaking. The rest of the cast was great as well. Norm Lewis as Porgy was kind of "meh" up until the last scene, though it was worth the wait. Priscilla was wayyyy better than I expected, and exponentially more enjoyable for me than La Cage with Harvey Fierstein last year. mat_t scored us free tickets to Rock of Ages and I was really glad to see it again. It's one of those shows you know you're just going to have a great time at. And it reminded me of one of my favorite show-quotes-of-the-moment: "Sometimes the dreams you come in with may not be the dreams you leave with. But hey, they still rock!" Indeed.

Social Butterfly
I had a late dinner Thursday night with a friend in Long Island. Saturday morning I had brunch with an entrepreneur friend from college and his fiancee (they're getting married on Fire Island in May... dare I attend?). And Saturday night after a delicious and boozy dinner with mat_t, we met his friends for Rock of Ages and followed it up with a quick drink at the 9th Ave Saloon.

Shopping!
I was referred to Bonobos a few years ago by a Twitter friend and though their stuff is a little pricy, I love the look and fit of a lot of it. They do "fittings" in their showroom in Chelsea so I scheduled an appointment to try on a bunch of stuff while I was there. It felt sort of rushed but I had fun and I now have a birthday shopping list for myself!

I also visited the Nasty Pig headquarters looking for something to bring back for Justin. Sadly I felt a little out of place in my nice clothes from the workshop earlier, and was sort of ignored by the guys there in favor of the more traditional NastyPigMuscleGuys that were also in the store. I was totally Julia Roberts. Ah well.

I still found a store called Rainbow Connection that hooked me up ;)

Epilogue
The four-day whirlwind of 3am wake-ups on travel days, intense brain-loading with the software vendor, terrific food, a few rock star friends and some great theater was exactly what I needed to put things in perspective. I sat down and chatted with the director this morning, and I'm doing to do the same with the business manager soon, probably later this week, so I really make sure we are all on the same page and see if there is anything that can be done in the way of a salary adjustment. I'm not going to "officially" start looking until this summer, as there is a possibility that some funds may open up (in addition to my efforts this week) but will definitely be keeping my eyes open in the meantime. In the next six months though, I have a ton of ideas on things I want to get done that would position me very well should I need to start interviewing. I am SO very grateful to everyone who has shared their advice and thoughts with me online and offline. Y'all are the best!

I did not get a raise today.

In July I will have been in my position at the university for 11 years. The outgoing director for our department at the time fought for a competitive starting salary for me, and as a 23-year-old breaking into the job market, I couldn't have been happier. I was handed IT management for 80 users and a great challenge in developing and maintaining web-based database applications. I bought a house and a (used) vehicle at 25 (yes, the same year. I had to haul stuff!) -- admittedly both silly decisions at the time since I didn't know how to handle my finances. I never got into credit card debt but for a few years I was definitely living paycheck to paycheck.

As I wound down from the challenge and grew restless with the job, I was handed another challenge -- electronic medical records. I knew very little about clinical topics or how any of it worked, but I led the team to create an RFP, brought in vendors, helped decide on a product, and managed the configuration and rollout process in 2008. Since then I have learned more about medical care than I ever thought I would. I insisted that our setup team continue to meet weekly as an EMR management team, which I am responsible for. I manage most of the configuration changes and help guide the policy decisions among two very complex (and very different) clinic sites. I am constantly praised for my work (even when I'm being stubborn about the way I feel things should work), and even was advised in an e-mail from the assistant medical director last week that he didn't know what they would do without me.

The challenge of EMR renewed my interest in the work and after the consistently positive feedback, I decided in the fall that it was time to start planning to ask for a salary adjustment. In my 11 years of working here, I have never asked for a raise. Our department tends to give across-the-board adjustments of anywhere between 1-3%. In the first few years I think it was close to annual, but since then (sucky economy) it has been every other year. Since I implemented our EMR, the clinic's business manager has been kind enough to throw an extra percent or half of a percent my way at each adjustment. I've always told her how much I appreciate that gesture.

Despite what you may read in the news, one does not work in higher education for the money. I've always known that I am underpaid compared to the corporate world. But the benefits of a higher education job -- medical coverage; vacation and sick leave; tuition remission -- more than outweigh the financial differences. As I started preparing my "ask" a month ago, I began to realize that due to the small increases over time, and the increasing worth of qualified data and IT professionals even in a rough economy, I am underpaid even by public/state employee standards in Ohio. Compared to which specific job title you look at, I'm paid at anywhere between 11-43% below the median for someone with my experience and job responsibilities, or an average of 24%.

The business manager runs the show around here. She is definitely the "party of 'no'" when it comes to spending. I can relate, as I'm generally known (despite the aforementioned decisions) as a thrifty sort. We get along fairly well and I know how to deal with her flippant attitude. I've built a reputation where she knows I am looking out for our pocketbook and has said as much.

Based on what I've considered to be a rock-star performance, 10 years of outstanding reviews suggesting my high level of initiative and competence at complex tasks, and being armed with market data about just how underpaid I am, I still expected a little natural push-back when I made my case. But I thought my case was strong enough and I am valued enough that the powers that be would be able to make it happen.

The "rock star" work I've done related to EMR really more directly affects the clinic director -- who my boss reports to. He also controls my boss' budget. But it would have been inappropriate for me to discuss directly with him, so on Wednesday I scheduled a meeting with my boss for Friday to discuss my compensation. Friday came, my boss heard my case, and in his typical fashion, agreed with me, while also stating that everyone in his department was underpaid and that he would give everyone a raise if he could, but had no funds to allocate. He was meeting with the director immediately after our meeting and would talk to him about it.

He returned from the meeting stating that the director and the business manager would get back to him after lunch. They never did. This morning my boss talked to the business manager, who promptly said no. He then called the director, who essentially said no as well, and advised my boss to tell me to "do what I needed to do."

I am understandably disappointed and honestly pretty offended by the whole thing. I know for a fact that there is some money available from open positions, retirees, and the hoarding that is done. The fact that I'm not being offered even a small adjustment is perhaps just the kick in the ass that I need to make the decision to abandon the generous leave time and promise of a post-retirement pension, and start doing work that I'm more excited about for people that actually do value their employees' contributions.

Or maybe I'm overreacting. Time will tell. But it does not hurt to keep my options open. Believe me, I know how fortunate I am to even have a job that is stable, not stressful, pays my bills and leaves me with enough to travel a few times a year. But to get where I want to be long-term, I cannot continue making so much less than what I know I'm worth.

... or at least I will be for a month. It's strange... two years ago when I joined my friend John for a bi-weekly vegan potluck and book study, I had no idea that at the end of the two-month study I'd be giving vegetarianism a go and that it would have lasted two years (with a few minor hiccups along the way). I also never fathomed giving up eggs and dairy, and I don't know yet if I'll give that up long-term, but I wanted to try and see how things go.

Justin gave me a book called The China Study for Christmas and while I'm not quite finished with it (another few days of lunchtime reading), the authors hammer their point home pretty consistently: animal proteins have a starting correlation with disease rates.

Now I admit, it's fairly easy to find "research" to tell you pretty much anything you want nowadays. The science industry seems to be corrupted with corporate dollars and as an evidence-based kind of guy, I find that terribly disappointing. What I do still believe after volumes and volumes of information I've read in the last few years is that the industrialization of our food system has not has a positive effect on our health. I truly believe the prevalence of processed grains and sugars has hurt us because we eat far too much of them.

I admit I've been a "junk-food vegetarian" -- though it's not because I used sugar and processed junk as a substitute for meat. It's more because I've always abused those foods, ever since I was a kid. I was a "junk-food omnivore" before I eliminated meat. So the direction my diet needs to go in is one that includes many more fresh vegetables and fewer sugars and grains. The nutritional benefits we gain from consuming dairy products are available by consuming those higher quantities (and varieties) of vegetables, so if I'm doing that right, I shouldn't be missing anything by eliminating dairy. And really, this is how I'm looking at it: adding more healthy vegetables, not removing the nutrients that I get from my beloved cheese, butter and eggs.

Justin is taking a "paleo diet" approach to his health (meats, vegetables, no added sugars or grains), which should make for interesting dinner planning!

The bottom line for me is that 30 days will not kill me. If I feel cruddy or my bloodwork takes a turn for the worse, that will be an indication that something needs to change. If I see positive improvements (and I do have specific targets in mind), that tells me something also.

Depression and suicidal thoughts come from a dark, dark place... from a pattern of trauma... from a chemical imbalance. I understand all that, and yet I don't understand it. I never have. My reaction to suicides is usually anger.

This weekend I sang at a memorial service for a 32-year-old gay man I did not know named Wes Chapman. He was in the Cincinnati Boychoir as a kid. He attended the School for Creative and Performing Arts. He attended UC's College-Conservatory of Music. He spent some time in the Navy. He spent his days working as a personal trainer. And on December 30, he jumped off a bridge (I'm told) because of his discomfort with his sexuality.

The service, held at the clubhouse of a golf course neighborhood where I assume his parents live, started 15 minutes late. At the time the blessing was supposed to begin, the room was already full and still a line of 50 people snaked out the door slowly making its way through a hallway with photo displays from a life cut short.

All those people whose lives he touched, and yet he still felt alone? I didn't see any LGBT contingent (though how can you really tell?) aside from his childhood best friend, a lovely woman who had reached out to the men's chorus asking if we would be able to honor his memory with a song with only a few days notice. She said they had both struggled with homophobia as children but grew through their experiences together.

Wes and I also had 8 Facebook friends in common and I feel like I have to talk to each one of them to find out if they knew anything about him. These are people who are out in the community... so I know that Wes must have had some opportunities for networking. I Facebook-stalked each of our mutual friends and none of them had posted anything about it. Did they even know who he was? Did they even know what had happened? I know we struggle to find meaning when there is a death or an inexplicable tragedy. This is one of the main reasons my chorus exists... as a safe haven for gay men to be who they are. We would have been a perfect supportive network for him. Why didn't we find each other?

I'm taking down the tree today, putting away all the cards and decorations, and returning the house to "normal." It's been a few years since I even bothered "unleashing" Christmas in the house. I'm always so busy this time of year with chorus and work things and I don't really have people over during the season, so with the added worry a few years ago that my new kitty would attack the poor tree, I just stopped doing any of it.

That all changed at a Christmas party Justin and I attended right after Thanksgiving where he turned to me and said, "honey, we need a tree." That's all the motivation I needed. I/We still didn't have anyone over, and the cat did spent some time pawing at and shaking things around, but it was so worth the effort.

I always used to love Christmas. I sent cards as far back as high school. I had a little table-top tree with teeny tiny ornaments on it. I listened to Christmas CDs in August. So it's a shame that for several years I let life circumstances like "being busy" and a little apprehension about "what the cat was going to do" get in the way of, well, life and an activity that made me happy. Looking at things through a slightly older pair of eyes, as well as through those of a third party (the bf), it's getting easier to call myself out on bs, make a decision on what I want, and git-r-dun.

... which also includes putting Christmas back in its boxes earlier than, say, February 19th. So let's get on with it.

I am so gay.

"How gay are you, Brian?"

I am so gay that I typed the title of this post ("Eight Years") and immediately the beginning of a song from Bye Bye Birdie jumped into my head.

I haven't even started writing yet and already I digress...

A little over eight years ago (well almost nine, I guess!) I created an account on LiveJournal as a New Year's resolution to keep my brain straight on the details of my own life. It was tremendously helpful and a wonderful creative outlet. I used to write so much when I was younger, and over the years the scales tipped and I became more of a consumer than a producer/creator. Only in the past year or two have I started to realize I was trending that way again.

In 2003 when I first started here, I was still a babygay, freshly out and only starting to seriously seek out other men for friendships, dating and of course playtime. I've written about falling in love, getting my heart broken, cooking some fab meals, travel adventures, changing the world through music with the gay men's chorus, successes and frustrations in IT and nonprofit administration, and a million random things I would never recall if I hadn't written them down.

And the friendships! I've made so many wonderful friends locally and in other cities by connecting on LiveJournal.

So why did I stop writing? Nothing has really changed. I still value the friendships I've made here. I still think journaling is healthy and productive. I think for a few years I was just overwhelmed. My life and my head were disorganized. I felt like I had said everything I needed to say without repeating myself.

I have a three-headed theory. One: I just don't think I was trying hard enough. Not exercising the creative muscle. Not PRODUCING. Two: I think I was depressed for an extended period of time. Yes, you can still be a productive member of society, have fun times, appear happy, and be messed up in the head. And Three: I'm mildly obsessive-compulsive and couldn't take not being able to "catch up" with the volume of LJ posts once Facebook exploded in popularity and caught my attention. And then there was Twitter.

Now that 1) I recognize I still see the value in regular journaling; 2) My head is clearer and I feel like I'm in charge of my life again; and 3) I've realized I will never be able to fully "catch up" with Facebook (thank goodness for the new highlighting algorithms! Truly!)... or Twitter... or LiveJournal -- the pressure is off, and I'd like to get this thing started again.

Hello!

I'm 32 now.
I love and am addicted to Facebook. But I miss connecting through LiveJournal.
I'm trying to declutter my house, my office, and basically my entire life. I've realized that I've been completely disorganized for a very long time, and it needs to end. I blame my parents. Because why not?

I will be running for a third two-year term as president of the Cincinnati Men's Chorus, and I'm doing my best to finally make some sort of a positive upward impact now that I'm four years into it, rather than just trying to keep the organization from sinking.

I'm acknowledging that I take a long time to prepare for change (for example, it took two years to paint one room in my home).

I was going to apply for grad school. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Now I'm not sure.

I'm not seeing anyone currently, though I have gone out on dates with a handful of guys. I'm ok with this. I'm fiercely independent, and I think it takes a special kind of person to put up with that. I don't understand guys who "need" to be in a relationship, but I do want to make it work with the right person. My punchlist is ambitious but not excessive. I expect a lot from myself, so I also expect a lot from someone with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life. I'm in no hurry and have plenty to keep me busy until it happens, and not so much that I'm not keeping my eyes open.

If I could do anything at all, I would travel. Not sit at home with the television.

Speaking of, my cable bill is a waste. I never watch television anymore. And if I'm not watching during winter blah season, you know I won't be watching in the summer. There are some shows, sure... I can't let a week go by without watching the latest Chuck or How I Met Your Mother. I often have no idea what to talk about in random groups because everyone is keeping up with the Kardashians. Well, or Project Runway. Pop-culture whore, I am not.

I'm on my way to becoming a vegetarian, if not a vegan. I'm experimenting with 31 days this month. I've never been one to eat meat at every meal, or even every day necessarily, but I do want to cut it out as much as possible. It's not the animal-rights issue (and angry-vegans who disagree with my reasons can suck it), but the industrialized meat system. The meat factories -- a result of our collective need for excess -- and the overprocessing of all our "edible foodlike substances." Yes, I've become a member of the church of Michael Pollan. I simply can't close my eyes and pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. There are also the health benefits of eating a more plant-based diet.

I think those are the main bullets that have been on my mind lately. Thanks for reading. Sorry it's been a while. You know how it is!

I dropped the bomb last night at our monthly Board meeting about my leave of absence next year. I'm not sure yet how/if I want to make an "official" announcement to the members, or just let the news float around. And believe me, it will. They took it well, though I was surprised how difficult it was to break the news, considering I've been having the conversation with friends and family for a few weeks now. One of our new Board members said that I'm doing a very brave thing. I'm not so sure about that, as I feel like it's my own failure that is leading to it, and I'm just taking action to clean up the mess. And I reconsidered SO many times over the last week, leading up to our concerts this weekend. But I think the bleak financial picture that was presented for this summer and looking into next year helped cement my logic to them.

In other but related news (in that it's chorus-related), I experienced a "mission-validating moment" yesterday. I'll share an e-mail that I sent via the chorus listserv to explain.

The co-worker I refer to is this one, so she has made an appearance on my LJ before!

I just had lunch with my co-worker Erin, who visited our rehearsal last Wednesday night, and thought I would share some of our conversation with you. As I mentioned, she is taking a class on diversity and had an assignment to select someone from a different walk of life, observe, reflect, and create an action plan for how to incorporate more diversity into your life.

Erin has purchased one of our holiday CDs before from me, but has never attended a concert. Her experience is extremely limited around LGBT issues. I would argue that she is the target audience of a key component of our mission. At any rate, after last week's rehearsal, I was planning to offer her comp tickets this weekend. Before I could say anything, the first words out of her mouth were, "ok, you got me. When and where?" and she bought tickets for and attended the show on Saturday night.

At lunch today she shared some of her observations with me. It was a very interesting and honest conversation. Of course she loved the show. And she would tell me if she didn't love it; she didn't like our last holiday CD and didn't hold that back from me -- lol. The thing that struck me most was that she had a stereotype of how gay men dress and look and act (no comments on how I apparently didn't break that stereotype for her). Seeing us out of our tuxes, and interacting with one another, it made her feel a little stupid, but she realized how much diversity there was among US, and how so many of us look like the rest of the world. It's such a little thing, and something that nowadays, a lot of us take for granted, but something to keep in mind. We always say that every time you step onto the stage, it changes someone's life, and it really does!