For a while I’ve been feeling like it’s time to get back on a more consistent path with some of my spiritual practices. You know, after all the deaths and the grieving and the moving and the surgeries…
So I was really pleased when I saw a local kirtan leader whom I follow has a practice group on Facebook and does 108 day challenges. She’s also a yoga teacher and a lot of folks are doing yoga but she said you can choose any practice. Regular yoga practice is one thing that has never been an issue for me since I began in 1986.
But there are lots of other practices I’ve done for long periods then wandered away from. Lately I’ve been feeling I should return to my practice of chanting Jack Kornfield’s lovingkindness chant from Path With Heart for 10 minutes plus singing a 10 minute version of the Gayatri I like. So I picked that one.
The lovingkindness chant has been an on and off staple for me for many years, the Gayatri is more recent. I made up this 20 minute practice of the two early in the first term of the orange monstrosity and it served me SO well for staying more calm and at peace. But I got into Steve Nobel’s meditations on YouTube and eventually moved into doing those instead of the chants (still doing).
Now, of course, I’m also thinking about how I dropped my 5 Tibetan Rite practice and how much I love ho’oponopono but don’t remember to do it… How I keep picking yoga nidra back up and then wandering off. Questioning if I picked the right one.
I’m about 8 months in on a giant effort to change my schedule fairly dramatically from the night owl pattern I’ve had my whole life to an earlier one. It’s shaken everything up including, it turns out, trying to fit a practice back in when the schedule in general has never completely settled down.
But I’m doing it. Often I’m doing it lying down and yawning the whole way through, but I’m doing it. And it feels as good as it always did. I wanted something to calm down some of the anger I keep feeling at current events and it’s working beautifully.
I love the calm and peace it leaves throughout my body. I can always feel heart chakra expanding and energized by the end. And yet I’m dragging my feet sometimes. It’s day 19 and today it feels like an endless time till day 108.
Which is why I’m really glad I decided to take this challenge. It isn’t always easy to commit to practice and in unsettled spells in life it’s harder to do. I hold on to knowing I feel better from the chants as support for my commitment to 108 days. Right now I have no idea whether the practice will stick after 108 days or fade away or change. The yoga nidra I’ve been loving lately is a 20 minute one so I’m wondering about alternating the two after the challenge.
I love this eclectic spiritual path I’ve wandered. I’m also aware many times the picking up and putting down of various practices is part of a flow for me. Sometimes it’s the moment for a shift to something different. In this case thoughts of going back to this practice had been popping up for a while so it feels like a flow into something I was being nudged by my inner voice to do.
I know many people pick one path and are faithful from then on to those practices only. It’s possible one day I’ll arrive at something that feels like “the one” but it’s hard to imagine. Right now I’m just pleased to revisit a practice I’ve loved.
One of the most enormous transformational journeys in my life involved going through the Fisher-Hoffman process in the 1990’s, then continuing for approximately 10 years to “process” every deep issue I could identify and release. At the end of the 9-month Fisher-Hoffman class* the facilitator warned us to be careful, once finished, about jumping too fast into things.
The release of a big block of old stuff for most leaves a sense of a hole that needs to be filled, she told us, and if you anxiously leap into filling the space immediately you’re most likely to re-build the familiar old stuff. I took it to heart and kept it in mind as I continued marching down the “release the old” path.
Eventually I reached a point where I felt as if I no longer had a strong sense of who I was. Here in the U.S. where “being yourself” is endlessly celebrated along with a strong moral certainty that having goals and working hard to reach them is the only way to be worthwhile, such a journey has been an interesting challenge.
It’s been 20+ years since I reached that moment and I have to tell you the ongoing journey of transformation has mostly just increased the sense of not knowing. All those old issues, auto-programmed reactions, etc defined so much about how I operated in the world that without them, I’m not sure. I pick up, look at and drop various “goals” and longings-to-be of different stages of life and find they no longer appeal. At the same time I don’t have a strong sense of “what’s next”.
A lot of health issues created a strong sense that healing had to be the primary objective and, of course, it has included more digging into the depths of consciousness as well as following a lot of alternative therapies to heal the physical aspects. Mostly I keep moving through what seems to be in front of me.
The Buddhist concept of “no self” has helped me negotiate through these years. Not that I have any illusion I’ve achieved that ultimate space of the Buddhist path, but I think stripping away a lot of old touchstones and auto-behaviors has brought me closer to that space and farther from the American ideal of deciding who you are and insisting upon sticking to every aspect of that.
To me life seems far more flexible and shifting and my goal has more to do with always tuning in to “hear” the inner sense of the right next thing to do in this moment. I watch people from many spiritual traditions, including the more “New Age” type spirituality paths, insist that having a plan, deciding on steps and “doing things” is a MUST and at this point I mostly shrug and think to myself it’s a deeply held American belief that needs to be culled out of the collective consciousness.
I’m not unaffected by the overwhelming majority view. In fact it leaves me uncomfortably questioning whether I’m doing something “wrong” by not having a plan and a destination more often than I’d like. But I always wind up tuning in, breathing deep and throwing off the “do, do, do” dictates in favor of listening and being…
I wrote a longer piece discussing this a while back but it’s on my mind again as I contemplate how this all applies to political activism. Stay tuned for that post 🙂
* If taken via the Hoffman Institute, the course is much shorter (a residential week or two?). Ellen had facilitated there for some years and evolved the process into a longer and, to me, much more in-depth one. Instead of being residential, hers was a weekly class with assignments to do in between, some gatherings to help one another on release work, etc. and spread over a period long enough to let everyone have time to delve into many issues. Unfortunately she died some years ago and as far as I’m aware no one else teaches the method as she transformed it.
Back in the early 70’s, I became radicalized in my political thinking. I hung around with the hippies, and particularly the folks who were protesting Viet Nam, etc. and stayed tuned in to the thinking of many on the far left. During those years I also spent a summer at the Sorbonne, which helped me gain perspective on how incredibly conservative the U.S. population really is. This perspective helped me to evaluate some of the really far left thinking and their tendency to be immovable in this insistence on every point, down to the pettiest, of their objectives being followed.
It didn’t take me long to weigh the general conservatism of the populace against the very Marxist thinking of the far left and to realize (a) as far as elections, no one was going to win an election based on a truly left-wing platform and (b) the deep hold the wealthy power elite has on politicians and policy means we’d really have to be prepared to plan and carry out a full scale revolution in order to shake off their power.
I was a history major and enough of a “history buff” to know a fair bit about the horrors that have generally accompanied revolution, so I was not prepared to jump on any bandwagon leading there. I’ve since come to believe we, as consumers, have a lot more economic power than we ever wield and there are potential answers for change if we unite to boycott, infiltrate boards, create alternative businesses, etc. But that’s a post for another day.
Periodically through all the 50+ years since I moved left I’ve noted the far-left folks unfailingly supporting candidates who will never win or deriding the ones who can and in general insisting their platform/ideas be implemented. But they never seem to have a realistic plan for how you would get out from under capitalism. In my opinion elections, in a country where too many politicians on both sides are owned by the rich, are not at all likely to create such an outcome. They also never seem to come to an understanding of how conservative most Americans are.
It’s not that I wouldn’t like to see a far more progressive swing in government. And I’m heartened by the embrace of far more progressive positions by larger numbers of Americans than before. But I’m pretty practical and, at core, since I know the real power is wielded behind the scenes and a big portion of the populace is quite moderate, I’ve always tried to work within the system to do what I could to nudge change along and voted for whichever candidate leaned a little more toward helping people than not.
A revolution or not? At some point, once you decide on a radical path and insist every bullet point on your platform must be followed, you also have to decide if you’re prepared to foment a revolution, whether violent or a transformative but peaceful reorganizing of the existing structures. Because hanging around shouting about your principles while voting for 3d parties or not voting just means the worst of the “no change” — or now the “let’s go backward” — politicians keep being elected.
My physical, emotional & spiritual healing journey stretches at this point over decades. And for much of it I was only in shape to work part time, if at all. Because of the physical aspect, it was obvious to me I really needed to address the healing because being out in the world in any normal way was impossible given the constant levels of fatigue and pain.
Having embarked on a spiritual journey almost simultaneously with discovering I had some big physical issues, it didn’t take long to connect those two, nor to realize emotional issues intertwined with both. Working on all three levels is time-consuming and takes a lot of commitment to healing on every level. If the issues are numerous and deeply imbedded, it is also a long process. I was lucky I had few commitments to stand in the way of my journey so I could devote lots of time over many years. Plenty of people heal in many ways and still do other things; I’m not saying the way I did it is in any way a must, it was just the way I had to do it.
Through the journey, on many levels I’ve understood healing is really important — and the impact of healing spreads out into the web of all life. At the same time, living in grind culture, I’ve encountered many moments when I questioned the contribution and import of healing as a basic life direction — and, surrounded by grind culture, plenty of other people made sure I knew they disapproved of a life devoted to healing rather than working hard at earning money.
I can’t tell you I’m never affected by the grind culture mentality; it’s so deeply ingrained in our culture that I struggle to free myself of it and can’t always remain immune to other people’s immersion in it. But overall I’ve long believed in the central importance of understanding ourselves as beings of energy who exist as part of an interconnected web of all living beings’ energy. As part of a web, each one of us who heals the wounds and traumas of the past contributes healing to the web.
All this healing, releasing, clearing, transforming, etc. doesn’t pay a dime. In fact, a lot of it has been expensive, especially the alternative healers who have been vital to the physical recovery piece of the journey. In the eyes of our society, the lack of monetary return means the journey is useless, without value.
The deeper I move into this journey –with the clearing away of false layers, the slow unveiling of my essential self, the growing connection to higher consciousness — the more I sense it not only has more value to me than a well-paid career but that it also adds plenty of value to society and the web of life. Not all things of value equate to sums of money.
In spite of the lack of a “normal” career or means of earning, my financial circumstances have actually grown slowly better and I attribute it to having cleared away a lot of blocks and old beliefs about money. So, an interesting side note about the value of the healing journey is it may attract abundance to you without the usual grinding claptrap.
I’m not sure what it would take for our culture to shift into a space of appreciating how key to our collective well-being it is to have increasing numbers of people keeping their physical bodies as healthy as possible, healing themselves of old traumas, beliefs, issues, and stepping forward into their essential selves. But I hope all of you who have been traveling down a path of physical, emotional and/or spiritual healing pat yourselves on the back for the great value you are adding to the world.
I’ve been listening a lot to a local Sarasota FM station that plays rock music from just my era and pretty much all stuff I love. At the same time a friend has recommended Radio Paradise and I’ve been trying to get myself to tune in.
Much like WXRT in Chicago, it plays rock from a number of eras but curated to be all stuff that kind of goes well together, a flow of sounds through decades. Sometimes on RP I hit a nice mix of old stuff I know and love and new things I don’t know.
One day recently I put it on and found myself in a long stretch of music I’d never heard before and I wasn’t really loving any of it. Nothing bad, just not grabbing either. Not one song I’d pick up the tablet and write down info to find it again. I longed for the FM but I was all comfy with my book and the FM station takes the old stereo setup in another room.
As I thought about how much I love almost every song on the FM station and wished the streaming app would play something I loved, it struck me that a certain measure of disliking change lived somewhere in those feelings of discomfort with the new stuff. Not anything huge, but once the thought crept in, I flowed on to a sudden distinct sense about how much of our current upheaval and conflict in the world reflects the fears of lots of people who are faced with a changing world they really hope to keep the same.
And in my moment of discomfort about my favorite old rock choices, I felt a tiny tug of greater understanding about how afraid they are. Not enough to sympathize with the hateful choices many are making, but enough to see more about how much humans generally like things to stay the same.
Fear of change is behind so much of what goes wrong in the world and how unhappy people who want their lives to be the same tomorrow as yesterday wind up ramped into constant anger. As I sat and willed myself to just let the unfamiliar music flow and enjoy having the musical background to my novel, I had no insight on how to help those “stay-the-same” folks reconcile with change.
I learned how to move into the flow by purposefully pursuing a spiritual path including practices to develop just that skill. But you can’t make other people do it, it’s definitely something that must be chosen. So no answers from my moment of insight. Just a flash of recognition about the deep discomfort many are feeling…
I’ve been making my way VERY slowly (i.e., most of the time not at all) through the ho’oponopono course for which I signed up a few months ago. So far, though, completing the class isn’t feeling like the point as much as reconnecting with the practice — also gaining insight from the videos of the course I’ve watched — and the deep reminder that everything I see reflects something inside of me.
The big place in which it’s come into play has been noting my high levels of anger at Republican pseudo-Christian right-wing fascists. How often, as I watch MSNBC or read articles pointed out by fellow progressives on social media, I yell and shake my fist at the lying, misogyny, bigotry, hatefulness, murderous intent, utter lack of compassion, etc.
Now I shout “You lying f**k!!!” and then repeat “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” I contemplate how much anger must be in me to be constantly that angry. To question how much misogyny, bigotry, etc. there is in me if I keep seeing that much outside of me. Yikes. “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.”
At the moment I can’t say I see a big change in the frequency with which I erupt upon seeing various news items, though I have moved to watching MSNBC less and spending more time researching on subjects raised on social media, like learning more about Constitutional interpretation, etc. Watching less means fewer occasions to get angry. What I really notice is how the constant repetition of the prayer keeps shifting me back to a more peaceful place.
Those of you who’ve read my blog for a long time will know I always come back to the Oneness of energy. We’re all energy and exist as one wholeness of energy. Thus we each contribute to the peacefulness or hatefulness of the planet by which energy vibration we choose to hold. Knowing that, I continue repeating, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”, trying to release all those hateful qualities within me.
I also believe in the basic theories of David Hawkins’ Power vs Force, which posit that those who raise their vibrational levels to higher points help to raise the vibrational field for thousands (or, at the highest, avatar-type levels, millions). And I think the spiritual movement that has built around the world, quietly, in the background since the 1960’s, has been raising the vibrational level.
The movement brought westerners into practices that eastern spiritual leaders have taught for centuries as well as bringing eastern lights like Yogananda and Thich Nhat Hanh to the west and also led many people to study indigenous spiritual traditions. Human vortexes of higher energy have thus been created at various points around the world. Some spiritual leaders have actually set up places where certain numbers of people chant or pray 24/7 to keep a high vibration helping to counterbalance lower energies.
Much of the world has lived in apathy, the 100s, the bottom of the scale of energy. The next level up is anger, so when enough people have raised their vibrations to impact the whole, a significant number of people who’ve been in apathy are raised up to anger, something I believe we’re seeing now. The next level up is the 300’s, where self-awareness and introspection begin to operate. I feel that when we move the energy up enough to have a majority of people vibrating above 300, we will start to see the harmony, justice, equality, etc. for which so many of us yearn.
I can’t control what other people are doing, I can just work on my own vibration. As well as repeating the ho’oponopono prayer, I meditate, practice yoga, chant, etc. I belong to several spiritual groups in which I’m able to periodically participate in the “energy of two or more” phenomenon around building peace. Right now I have a big focus on the readiness with which I yell and shake my fist at what I consider Republican perfidy and keep repeating, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.”
I’m also contemplating whether I should return to more frequent metta practice. I’ve been a big fan for many years. In the leadup to the Iraq war, I spent half an hour every day saying it for President Bush. It didn’t stop him from faking intel or starting the war, but it did shift my feeling about him and my sense of his deep insecurities. Didn’t mean I suddenly liked him or agreed with him, but it created a softer place in my heart that has remained that way.
For me it was a profound shift and I wholly credit the power of the lovingkindness chant. I’ve always used Jack Kornfield’s version from Path with Heart: “May I be filled with lovingkindness, may I be well, may I be peaceful and at ease, may I be happy.” Obviously, substitute someone else’s name to say it for them. And I often leave off the “may” and state it as an affirmation “___ is filled with lovingkindness,” etc.
Whatever practice or technique works for you, I hope everyone is finding a way to keep returning to peace, to keep releasing old anger and fear, etc. in order to raise their vibration and contribution to lifting up the planet.
In my last post, I said the next one would discuss my journey with ho’oponopono and anger, but I received word yesterday that my dear friend Gay‘s husband, David, died yesterday and changed the plan.
The Nine Gates memorial service for Gay is being held Monday, which would have been her 93d birthday. David had hoped to go but his health has been bad since her death; now the memorial will be for him too.
The eighth death in 3 years among my friends (and let’s not forget both my parents too) kind of slammed me. And right now I’m in a stage of melancholy and wishful thinking.
Both Gay and David were working on books for pretty much all the time I knew them. Gay, who actually wrote several well-received books in an earlier stage of her life, wanted to write one to explain the ideas behind her creation of Nine Gates Mystery School.
I write too, and while I was living in the apartment on her property, I worked as a copy editor and proofreader so we talked here and there about collaborating, with her providing the content and me helping with organization, proofing, editing, etc. And probably some cheerleading.
I really hoped with me or without me that the project would happen as her work was so brilliant, especially her concept of playing all the notes of our beingness.
David was a Druid. His family was from the Isle of Iona and David was the one son to whom his father passed the family’s generations of knowledge. David was also a scholar, so he added copious research to the practical basics. He was going to write a book about the practices, especially covering his extensive work on the oghams. (I’m going to hunt through some of my files for material; I loved working with oghams but remember very little of the specifics and David’s teaching was a little different from the few other sources).
I especially loved his deep info on the labyrinth, or Dromenon as he called it. For my session of Nine Gates in 1990 he presented a huge piece on the chakras and the labyrinth, which he apparently didn’t teach at any other session. I adored it but there was so much material I came away really only with the memory that at every turn in the labyrinth you are either turning inward or outward in one of the chakras.
When you reach the end, you’ve done a complete inner and outer journey through the chakras. His teaching was to pause at each turn to acknowledge the inward or outward movement. I never know which chakra I’m in as I move through each turn, but just the pause and acknowledgement always adds great depth. I looked forward to his book and my hope was that it would have a complete chart of how we move through the chakras.
For many reasons, neither of them ever finished writing their respective books and I’m not sure if either had enough written on some retrievable device or notebook that someone else could finish the project and publish. So two amazing teachers, with unique and illuminating understanding of spiritual life have died and so much knowledge is lost.
On another front, I really thought for many years that I would get back to California and be available to help the two of them as they got older. My mother was not only older but in way worse health than either of them, so I assumed she would pass away while they were still functioning pretty independently and I’d be available when they needed more help.
But in the way the Universe has of orchestrating from a different consciousness, my mother wound up living to be much older than anyone (including her) expected and about the time she went into a downward spiral, so did David and Gay. And I lost all 3 in the space of 15 months.
I won’t wallow in this space of “what ifs” and wishes for different outcomes, but I wanted to mark this moment and the thoughts jumbling through… Today it is what is for me.
Every now and then the Universe hands me a series of synchronous events that point me to a new insight or direction. Recently, after a long hiatus from practicing ho’oponopono several taps on the shoulder turned me back to it.
My ho’oponopono story started with my recently-departed friend, Gay Luce. During a conversation in which I told her that I’d come to believe the biggest changes/impacts we can have on the world are those we make in ourselves to release negative issues/beliefs and also to raise our vibration regarding peace, love, compassion, etc. I was looking for a teacher or teachings to help me practice from that understanding. She asked me if I’d seen the work of Hew Len, master teacher of ho’oponopono, because she felt it would dovetail very well.
I never got a chance to study with Hew Len (and he passed away last year…), but I found some videos on YouTube on which he talked about it and found some teachings online via Joe Vitale and some of Hew Len’s students. It gave me enough to begin doing the ho’oponopono prayer and for some years I practiced it regularly, then, five or six years ago, drifted away.
Jump to this summer. Not long after Gay’s death in June, I got on a Zoom service from Camp Chesterfield (spiritual center) guest-led by Rev AdaRA Walton, whose Wednesday night meditation I’d been attending via zoom for a while. For one portion of the service, she did readings of people on the zoom, during which she called my name and gave me a strong message to re-connect with a kind of healing I’d stopped doing.
Over the years I’ve been trained in lots of types of healing and there are many I don’t do anymore, so I had to do some inward journeying to interpret her insight. The very strong message I received was to go back to ho’oponopono.
A couple of weeks later as I went through my Facebook feed, there was a big ad from Joe Vitale (whom I do not follow) offering the first level ho’oponopono practitioner training for a hugely discounted price. I instantly knew I needed to take the class and signed up.
Once I started watching videos (I’m making my way through VERY slowly), I was delighted to realize that almost all the teaching is from Hew Len. The class is a set of videos from a workshop some years ago brought by Joe Vitale, who also taught a bit, but mainly featuring Hew Len. So at last I get to “study with” him. And the timing, so soon after Gay’s death, leaves me feeling my dear friend has a hand in this.
I have no idea how the ho’oponopono practitioner status will fit into my life. Is it just to uplift my personal path and being and to help me clear issues and thereby help to clear issues all around? Or will I go on to take the other levels and start a practice? Right now it’s fine with me that I don’t know. Taking the class feels right and I’m content to let it flow wherever it’s meant to flow.
In the meantime, it IS helping me personally as I navigate through lots of angry moments as I watch the news and the hateful, misogynistic, racist, authoritarian, murderous right wing that is threatening democracy. Next post will talk about how ho’oponopono is helping with that and helping me see what in me hooks into all that.
I’m shell-shocked. With the death of my dear friend, Gay Luce, I finally took in the enormity of what I’ve dealt with in the last 2-1/2 years and realized how gobsmacked I am. The upside is also seeing how well the many years of spiritual delving, meditation, yoga, etc. have served me. The other is seeing how, subtly, I fight a regular battle between my desire to just sit back and absorb and the societal message of “go, go, go”.
It’s odd to find myself in that battle because long issues with my health have put me pretty far outside the norm of constant doing and I’ve learned to make peace with that and accept, even enjoy, living life on a different path. Wow, these societal beliefs hold on deep in our beings!
As several friends kept asking me how I was doing and mentioned how much I’ve been through, I finally took stock:
January 2020. Mom fell and broke her hip. First hospital fails to diagnose and sends home on broken hip. Next day second hospital correctly diagnoses. During weeks in hospital bad chair sets off old hip issue for me
Early April 2020. Mom finally gets home from rehab and we hit Covid lockdown
May 2020. I realize Dad really needs me to figure something out for him but… Covid lockdown. Start calling him every day and organizing Covid supplies from afar
July 2020. Dad died
November 2020. Dear friend Pat died
2020 way into 2021. All kinds of problems with Dad’s estate and a new judge’s misinterpretation of a common legal phrase in will, including I have 2 cousins who are now dead to me…
2021 and 2022. Five more friends died
February 2022. Mom fell and broke her leg. Having finally calmed down the hip issue, bad hospital chairs set it off again and I also developed a rash. Hip issue combined with remnants of psoas injury to lock the whole area up.
May 31 2022. Mom had been home a little more than a month when she started throwing up blood and we found out she had an inoperable issue that would inevitably be fatal.
June 2022. Mom died.
June-September 2022. Mom’s house was on a reverse mortgage and I’d been told I’d have 3 months to get out. So began a mad dash to clear her hoarder stuff enough to separate out my belongings and organize for movers. All the furniture moving and box hauling threw whole hip/low back area out even more
September 2022. I moved to the condo I inherited from my Dad in Florida. Good news is I’d known the place since 1980, bad news I don’t really know the area or anyone else
September 2022. Tried to get driver’s license, couldn’t pass eye test, found out I needed to have cataract surgery.
October 2022. Mad dash to clear Dad’s stuff and get my stuff in sends hip/back into incessant, immobilizing pain
November 2022. At doctor visit to get referral for eye surgery, also dealt with the rash I developed while Mom in hospital in Feb, which became ongoing issue, many treatment trials, dermatologist visits and still not resolved
January and February 2023. 2 cataract surgeries
February 2023. Find out my friend Gay is in bad shape & start organizing a 9 Gates community help/service group and schedule.
March 2023. While moving chair throw back and hip all the way out again. Left the chair right where it was and all efforts to continue clearing Dad’s stuff and finish unpacking mine stopped.
Eye surgeries changed me from lifetime of near-sighted to far-sighted so now have to wear glasses for the many hours I spend reading and writing. The shift gave me headaches.
Can’t afford the copay for physical therapy so am working my way through a bunch of PT exercises posted on YouTube from chiropractor which are helping but because muscles are in such bad shape, also very painful work.
June 2023. Gay died.
Looking at the whole list makes my head spin. And yet, even though many days I long to just hang out reading and watching TV and taking naps, most days with no doc appointment I push to grocery shop or cook something or clean something.
Between the friends who noted how much I’ve faced and my own explorations lately of our society’s built-in beliefs about work and wealth and poverty, it finally hit me that, even though I mostly live outside those norms, in little ways I still operate out of “must do” assumptions.
People around here keep asking if I’ve finished clearing and setting up. I keep telling them no, I just stopped and left everything sitting around as it was and that I actually kind of like that it’s my space, in which only my wishes count, and I find I don’t care if part of it is still a mess of boxes and Dad stuff. Could just be me, but I always feel a little wave of disapproval. Oddly, on that one I just don’t feel pushed. Not gonna do it until my hips and back can tolerate it. That’s final!!!
Some amount of cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking fall into the “must” category, at least for me, but even with those I find myself realizing more could slide than I sometimes allow and I often feel burdened by the perceived need to accomplish those things.
Even more, I find I am often haunted by a sense of failure or lack of accomplishment if I had a list of things I thought I should do and get to the end of the day without doing any of them. And a sense of guilt when pain or exhaustion leave me just unable to do anything arises sometimes.
Because of the years of health issues, I’ve tended to operate at a pretty low level and have often had older friends who accomplish more by lunchtime on an average day than I do in a couple. It’s another thing with which I’ve largely made peace over the years of a life outside the norm. Yet those “musts” and “shoulds” still influence my life and decisions about how to spend my days.
For most of my journey I’ve been looking inward at issues that were by and large personal. When I released them, worked through them, etc. they were gone and other people didn’t really influence the process. I’m finding it really interesting to be looking at the issues built into the culture. Because so many people believe in societal assumptions like the need to work all the time, it makes releasing the assumption more complex. I find I vacillate between the space on my own in which I’ve let go and the space where the cultural consciousness keeps intruding.
I’m pulling for a personal and societal revolution of rest in which we let go of grind culture and forge a new path.
The topic this month at the spiritual center I attend (via YouTube) is self care. This reading from last Sunday’s service is such a nice adjunct to the post I published yesterday, I couldn’t resist putting it up here.
I’ve worked with the concept of other people or their issues being mirrors, reflecting back something about or from within me a lot over the years. Usually it’s been a tool for ferreting out negative aspects, old issues, things to release, etc. My friendship with Gay Luce has always provided a different sort of mirror and until now, one I’ve kind of sidestepped around.
A number of teachers I worked with knew both of us and more than one mentioned how much they saw Gay and I as mirrors, always in the context of trying to get me to see how similar I am in energy and capacity to teach, etc. To me, Gay’s abilities were and always have been way beyond what I’ve achieved.
I understood their point and I knew Gay and I were so close in part because of how we saw and worked with energy but felt, at the same time, that realistically I had not raised my energy or capacity to work out of my third eye to the same level.
Through most of my spiritual journey I’ve been aware of the dance between facing into the dark side and holding space for the light. My journey began with a lot of “create your own reality” teachings. After concertedly trying to hold only positive thoughts for some years, my segue into doing the Fisher-Hoffman process led me to see the importance of looking deep within at issues and unconsciously held beliefs. And to see that insistently trying to express only positive thoughts while ignoring all darkness is a path to failure.
Many years of digging through my sub/un-conscious levels led to comprehending that it’s easy to start seeing yourself as fundamentally flawed, with always another issue to dig up, another behavior to change, etc. I’ve leaned a little that way and have to stay aware. A friend’s beautifully nuanced right listening conversation with me guided me gently in the 2000’s to see how much negativity I held onto. The Secret, at her suggestion, became a first step toward finding a better balance between deep-diving into the shadows and holding affirmative thoughts about life and direction.
A lot of years of seeing Gay much less and no longer having mutual acquaintance teachers pointing out our similar energies meant really not examining the mirror idea in relation to our friendship. News of Gay’s impending death leaves me reflecting deeply on the years when we were most entwined.
And the bulb finally went off. The clear realization that when the amazing, high vibrational space she occupied moves to the other side, the world needs people to step into holding that space. And that, as her mirror, it’s time for me to see how I reflect her energy and presence. Time to step up, drop fears of my own power and take up the mantle of unconditional love she has lived so beautifully. Because she has been the mirror of the best of me.
Even before I received the news that Nine Gates Mystery School founder Gay Luce is in the process of dying, I’ve had Nine Gates on my mind. Thinking a lot about Gay, though, I’ve really been reflecting on her creation and the amazing ideas at the core of its structure. Although there are many layers to Nine Gates, the central theme is that we are like flutes with many notes possible but most of us only play one or two all the time. Each chakra has its own tone, its own characteristics, vibration, etc.
When you really learn to tune into each chakra and understand the uses and purposes of each, you can move at will from the energy of one to the energy of another, shifting energy to suit circumstances. As you proceed through the 2-part workshop, you spend 2 days on each of 9 energy centers. There’s a master teacher for each who teaches practices from his or her tradition or specialty that use that chakra and help you build energy there.
The teachers have changed many times over the 30+ years since I attended, but just as examples, for my sessions we had:
David Patton, Celtic tradition with the Dromenon, or labyrinth, as the central focus for the bubbling spring chakra in the feet
Gay Luce, who trained extensively with Tarthang Tulku and Claudio Naranjo, teaching practices about birth and beginnings for 1st chakra
a teacher from Mantak Chia’s school teaching the Taoist practices of the Inner Smile and the Microcosmic Orbit for second chakra
Ellen Margron, longtime facilitator of the Fisher Hoffman method teaching techniques of discovering locked in emotions and releasing them for third chakra
Angeles Arrien teaching practices based on her Basque background for moving from third to fourth (heart) space
Paul Ray, Sufi master, teaching chants and breathing practices to hold heart space
Gay Luce teaching Right Speech and Right Listening for the fifth chakra
Serge King teaching Huna practices for sixth chakra
Gay Luce leading death and dying practices for seventh chakra
Gay Luce teaching about connection to higher realms for the transpersonal chakra
There was always a large staff composed of Mystery School graduates. Behind the scenes, they helped elevate the energy of each chakra by resonating together before each class session (3x a day) into the energy of whichever chakra was being addressed and then dispersing around the room amongst the students and holding that energy space.
As a student, I was way too wowed by all of it to realize what the staff was doing aside from also mentoring all of us, being there to help if we struggled with a practice, etc. And it took a couple of times serving on staff for me to really comprehend how much it added to the power of living in each chakra to have the staff holding the energy space.
The sessions are designed with three classes a day, one filling the morning (and for those who want it there are exercises before breakfast), one the afternoon and one the evening. There are also some amazing rituals thrown in. It’s an immersion experience. For some people, the teachers are exciting, the multitudes of new practices they learn almost come too quickly to take everything in and they come away with more enthusiasm about all that than understanding about “playing the flute”.
Many of us also went on to study more with some of the teachers. I did a lot of emotional work with groups facilitated by Ellen Margron, read a lot of Serge King’s books and went to one of his workshops, attended various Sufi events, practiced Right Speech and eventually taught it, etc. Many people who were taken with some of the Buddhist practices Gay taught went on to join Spirit Rock. After Baba Harihar Ram began teaching a lot of people joined his Sonoma Ashram. You get the idea. So many ways to get a LOT out of Nine Gates.
Throughout all of it, though, there are lessons to be learned about moving among the chakras. At feet, for instance, so many useful things about grounding are part of it. If you’re in high anxiety, really worrying about something, all your energy has moved up to your head. If you put your attention into your feet and hold it, the energy will flow downward and it will help calm and ground you.
One of my fave stories was about a grad who was in NYC one day when a storm created winds so strong at rush hour that people were blown down if they tried to go outside, so thousands of people were caught in their buildings. She really wanted to get to the subway and on to an appointment. So she put her energy in her feet, imagined her feet having tentacles into the ground and walked across the plaza to the subway.
Many times when I’ve been on my way to an interview or a meeting about which I was nervous and for which I wanted to be in my power, I’ve quietly done the microcosmic orbit while riding along on the bus or up in the elevator, bringing energy into the power space of second chakra. A grad who worked as an exec for a big company would make sure he entered meeting rooms first and would move into heart energy, working to fill the room with it and hold that energy space during the meeting.
These are just some examples of the ways in which we can play much more complex music in our lives than the repetitive couple of notes we usually stay stuck in.
My spirituality centers around my belief that everything is energy, so learning how to work with energy for me is the goal. And hanging around with a teacher whose core teaching and way of living were so totally immersed in energy practice was such a gift!
I received word that my dear friend Gay Luce, whose health has been failing rapidly the last couple of years, is in transition, expected to die at any time. She’s been so important in my life, I can’t quite grasp the idea of a world without her in it.
As has been true of a number of big changes that turned out great, meeting Gay was a fluke. I’d been taking some classes with spiritual teachers Arthur and Ann Cataldo. They met and liked Gay so much they helped sponsor a workshop in Chicago. Since they lived in FL and I lived in suburban Evanston at the time, they asked me to help field phone calls about the workshop in exchange for a free ticket.
I was happy to help but the workshop was a long haul from where I lived and I wasn’t sure I’d go. Literally up until getting up that morning and driving, I was never sure I’d attend. I felt uncomfortable in the crowd of people I didn’t know and wondered if I could slip out at a break when Gay walked in the room and the light around her drew me in. She hadn’t talked much about Nine Gates Mystery School before I knew I had to sign up.
The tuition for Nine Gates, which is a residential program that takes place over 2 9-day sessions, is high and it took a lot of questioning and negotiating to finally wind up with a time-payment plan and to head off in the winter of 1990 to Westerbeke Ranch in Sonoma for the first session. See here for more info on the workshop.
Not only did the workshop completely blow me away–life changing, really–but I met fantastic people, many of whom lived out there. My life was in transition anyway and after the 1st session I started wondering about moving out there so I could immerse myself more deeply. With that in mind I drove out to Joshua Tree for session 2 and after went up to the Bay Area to look around. By the end of the trip I’d decided to move.
It took quite a while to sell my house, but in spring of 1991 I headed to San Francisco. A horrible roommate left me soon looking for new digs and it happened that Gay had just evicted the tenant in the apartment attached to her house. So, suddenly I was living at the home of my revered teacher. Initially I felt some trepidation, but it didn’t take long for Gay, her husband, David, and I to become a family. We wandered in and out of each others’ homes and our pets felt equally free to hang out anywhere.
They were already talking about selling the 2-acre place in Corte Madera; that didn’t happen until 27 years later, but every time they brought up the possibility, they also told me they were looking for something that would have space for me too and it’s hard to tell you how deeply that moved me. Eventually, due to the high cost of living and having a lot of senior relatives in Kentucky, I was the one who wound up moving away…
The property had been and continued to be the scene of many rituals and spiritual gatherings and it’s hard to describe the magical energy of this land in the hills near Mount Tamalpais. Amazing teachers came through all the time. Constant heady discussions of deep metaphysical topics and learning insights became my norm.
Perhaps the most life-impacting aspect of time with Gay was, for me, experiencing absolute love and acceptance for the first time ever. There was no potential career path or odd plan I could come up with that Gay didn’t meet with absolute enthusiasm and expressing her certainty that I would be good at it. Being more accustomed to being discouraged from following the paths that most interested me, it took a while to understand what a gift it was to be so totally supported.
For many years after I moved to Kentucky we talked often and I went out to house and cat sit while they went to sessions of Nine Gates many times but in recent years between more on my plate with “Mom care” and Gay’s increasing problems with aphasia along with their move away from the home I’d shared meant contact decreased.
This is not the first time I’ve felt terrible at the end that my contacts with someone had not been as frequent as I felt they should have been, but I’ve also realized life just works that way sometimes. In the meantime, I’m gratefully running thousands of images of our years of laughter, shared meals, amazing conversations and adventures through my mind. As far as a positive and major transformational influence on my life, I think Gay had more impact than any other. I also know we closed every conversation with “I love you” so that’s the last thing I said to her…
May her journey into the light be joyful and easy.
The crime problem is made up. And an amazing example of the power of propaganda to sway the thinking of an entire nation. Much as our individual psyches are filled with memories, old beliefs, admonitions from parents, etc. that must be addressed in order to raise consciousness, so must we ferret out the beliefs, etc. embedded in the national psyche and address those. I think this one is a major point of consciousness that could shift a lot.
I first became aware of the big lie about crime when, as a graduate student, I landed on “The Reaction to Crime Project”, an LEAA funded research project conducted by Northwestern’s Center for Urban Affairs, starting in 1976. My first assignment was a “literature survey” involving reading hundreds of studies and articles on crime statistics.
I was stunned to discover that the wide-spread perception of crime being rampant everywhere was basically a manufactured problem, created by changing how crime stats are reported with a lot of help from TV creating a national audience for news that until then was largely only locally reported.
In study after study and article after article covering several decades of research, I read that the old reporting was based on the probability of being a victim of any given crime. Then law enforcement decided to change to reporting gross numbers; i.e. total number of murders, total number of burglaries, etc. Since the population is always growing, the total numbers of crimes is pretty much guaranteed to grow. But through all the years of screaming about the awful, ever growing crime problem, the probability statistic–the chance of any given citizen being a victim–never changed.
For most crimes the PROBABILITY OF BEING A VICTIM HAS NOT CHANGED IN 100 YEARS unless you’re a male POC between the ages of 15 and 25. Take that in. You have no more chance of being burglarized or assaulted, etc. than the people in the 1930’s and 40’s who didn’t lock their doors because they felt so safe. The constant bombardment with “news” of the “terrible crime problem” has literally shifted an entire population from feeling safe to being convinced they live in a violent world where criminals are lurking around every corner.
The literature didn’t offer much of an explanation as to why the government decided to change reporting from probabilities to totals, but the first thing I noted was that it led to huge increases in budgets for law enforcement. And over time I could see how the change also made it easy to take the second step of blaming the huge “crime problem” on POC and immigrants even though statistics don’t support those conclusions either. These groups are unfairly targeted by law enforcement with little protest from the populace at large because everyone has bought into these made up tales of crimes and who commits them.
The LEAA project was a huge one, requiring a lot of funding. What shocked me once the literature review was complete, was that they were funding the research knowing that people’s fears about crime far exceeded the reality but they had no interest in trying to change that false perception.
The only thing they wanted us to do was figure out whether programs like Whistle Stop, community involvement, etc. could reduce the fear a little. In other words, whatever the original purposes were in government changing the reporting and creating the perception of rampant crime, LEAA didn’t want to take down the manufactured belief in rampant crime.
Over the years since my time on the Reaction to Crime project, I periodically checked in on the crime stats to see if there was any big change. There was not. Outside of certain neighborhoods and the young male POC demographic (and a few crimes that were added to the roster since then like car-jacking…) and more recently the mass shooting issue, the chance that you will be a victim of most crimes has not changed in 100 or more years.
Because people believe this false scenario, huge amounts of money are spent on policing and various law enforcement efforts in cities, towns, etc. in general instead of focusing funds on the programs that would reduce crime in the particular places where it tends to actually be rampant. Spending money on the fake problem instead of developing solutions for the real problems.
This is not the only instance over years of doing lots of research and reading wherein I’ve noted that politicians and the media manipulate “truth” in order to convince the populace to believe whatever they want them to believe. Because the belief is so widespread, I’ve brought it up over and over through the years and noted most people just glaze over when you try to tell them there really is no rampant crime problem. The belief is so ingrained, people can’t take in the truth.
For the last several years I’ve been dealing with increasingly painful and bothersome issues in my left hip/pelvis/low back/groin. That hip has a long history of trouble and I’d injured the psoas a few years before, with little success at healing it. So I carried on as best I could under a lot of tough circumstances, doing the yoga and Robert Masters exercises I’d used for years.
But the problem wasn’t going away and I started to look into other solutions, which led to realizing a series of issues in that area have come together and, as far as I can tell, impacted every muscle, ligament and tendon in the area. A combination of injuries, repetitive motion, and much-reduced exercise schedule created an area-wide problem.
It took quite a while to realize the many threads that brought me to this point. It happens more than people realize with muscles and western medicine is lousy at coping with muscle issues, so most people don’t know how easily one problem can become two and then five, so I thought I’d give some info on this particular journey.
I was born with my left leg twisted so muscles on that side were out of place and pulling on others from the beginning. Years later a car accident created a bit more of a twist and my left hip started going out of joint all the time. The pain from that led to sitting with more weight on the other side while squeezing the muscles on the left hip as tight as possible to numb the pain. That created one hip being quite a bit higher than the other.
There were already profoundly twisted back muscles extending into that area and the psoas was so tightly wound many practitioners commented about never having seen one so bad… They’re all in the same area so the patterns interacted. A great deal of that has been dealt with and as far as multi-patterns everywhere else, most of my body is holding the releases.
With years of yoga and concentrating a lot on hip and psoas stretches as well as the usual forward bends for back, a lot improved and I could mostly control the hip issue though it was never gone. Bodyworkers made big strides into all of it as well and when I added regular practice of the Robert Masters’ triggers of release, everything worked pretty well. Though the worst of the muscle patterns were still there, they improved enough to keep pain largely at bay.
Then I injured the psoas in a too-long hold on a yoga posture and struggled to get it to heal. Because the psoas is so central to movement, the pain meant my years-long habit of walking went by the wayside. A lot of other exercises and poses became tough to do so a lot of postures I normally rotated through went off the roster.
In the meantime, difficulty keeping my hip from going out when sitting in any chairs led to creating a set-up on the floor where my hips could be held firmly in balance. But floor sitting generally means bending the low back. It took years, but the position slowly took a number of muscles out of alignment and left the sacroiliac area locked tight.
All of that was still going on when my mom fell and broke her hip. Hours in some NOT ergonomic hospital chairs brought the hip issue back, worse than it had ever been because of interaction with the psoas and sacroiliac issues. Covid hit and the extra hours it took to take care of groceries, the caretaking for my mother, etc. left me struggling about exercise.
With less time to spend and pain dictating what I could do, my practice dwindled to mainly doing postures/triggers that directly impacted the areas of pain plus riding an exercise bike several times a week. Through that time to now, Mom wound up in and out of the hospital several times with a couple of skilled nursing stays as well and my dad died, so many more things filled my schedule and reduced time spent on yoga, etc.
The forced move after my mother’s death added more layers of issues as I heaved boxes, moved furniture, etc. Then the exercise bike was too big for my condo, so it didn’t get moved and yet another many-years-regular exercise fell away. All of these things combined to mean these first 5 months in my new locale have been riddled with pain issues.
Regular practice of the hip/psoas poses and releases meant I could keep reducing the pain but every time I try to go back to finishing the process of clearing my dad’s stuff from the condo and unpacking mine it goes out again. It’s not crazy about long grocery shopping trips, vigorous cleaning or cooking that involves a lot of standing either.
The Universe popped a video by chiropractor Dr. Rowe (see top video) for opening the sacroiliac joint into my path and it was a game changer. He has dozens of videos on YouTube and I’ve been making my way through all the ones that relate to muscles in the hip, pelvis, low back, groin region. Some of them overlap and some exercises that help several muscles in the area show up on numerous videos so it becomes easy to memorize a few and start integrating into your routine without having to watch a video every day.
As far as I can tell pretty much every muscle in there is either twisted up or weak from underuse and/or connected to one or more of the painful patterns operating in there. Plus on the “good” side, some muscles are over-strong because they’re doing most of the work for both sides. I’m particularly focused on the piriformis, iliotibial band and psoas/hip flexors on the bad side. If you spend a lot of time sitting, you should probably be doing something for those muscles too.
I’ve also been working with some of the online videos provided on the Silver Sneakers site. There’s a Restorative Yoga one up right now (they rotate) which, while unlike any other RY I’ve done, happens to concentrate a number of nice easy long holds on muscles in the area I’m addressing and it has REALLY helped.
Since I’ve been watching/doing a lot of videos for this area, naturally the internet is constantly showing me more, which is how I found this gem, with exercises quite different than the others I’m doing and very helpful. The final two for psoas are really making some inroads on the psoas issue.
A lot of people don’t realize the degree to which muscles can go off slowly and over time nor how much they interact with each other. When someone says an exercise could cause an injury, in many cases it’s not that something so dramatic will happen that you’re off to the ER the first time you do it wrong.
Generally it’s means you’re using a muscle or impacting a joint in a way that slowly over time will cause muscles to tighten or the joint to become sore. You might not know you have a problem until several years after you quit doing the exercise. And by that time the impacted muscle(s) will have pulled off some others.
As I’ve noted before, Western medicine is remarkably obtuse/uneducated in muscles, how they work, and how central they are to so much in our lives. And when a muscle is sore they’re more likely to prescribe a pain killer than point you toward something that would actually heal the muscle.
So if you are in an accident or have a fall, etc. it’s up to you to either demand a referral for massage therapy and/or chiropractic adjustments and/or physical therapy and really up to you to look into exercises YOU can do on your own to keep the muscles from freezing in the pained position caused by the accident.
In this case, a perfect storm of injuries, interconnected patterns, reduction of movement/exercise work and straining the area all came together over the course of a few years and threw the whole area out of whack. I’m aware enough of how muscles work to realize it was starting to pull nearby muscles in my leg and back out too. Fortunately the yoga and Robert Masters work I’ve done throughout prevented those areas from staying twisted.
The exercises are making inroads. The main things I’m noticing are that my posture is generally better because it’s easier to hold the low back in proper position and I’m also more able to sit in a healthier position. The worst of the painful muscles are still pretty painful though the exercises are giving me periods of relief.
I’m still working out a rotation, trying to do one or two of the new exercises every day, feeling into which I should do more often and trying to make sure my regular yoga practice, which I designed to cover a lot of basics, stays in the mix. I’ve also added several new exercises from the Restorative Yoga video and several of Dr. Rowe’s into my regular routine.
No idea how long it will take. And that’s another thing western medicine doesn’t prepare you for. Actually healing issues instead of throwing some pills at it that eliminate symptoms while doing nothing to heal, isn’t really part of their practice. And healing takes time.
Not Just Sassy on the Inside 
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