Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.
Marillyn Hewson (Lockheed Martin)
“If you need him killed, I’m your gal.”
Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan Chase)
“Luckily, no one that was me was hurt.”
Safra Catz (Oracle)
“Thank god no one really understands what it is we do, or we’d probably be in a similar boat.”
Abigail Johnson (Fidelity Investments)
“And to think, I trusted him with all of Fidelity’s clients’ money.”
Elon Musk (Twitter)
“Everyone hate him mean everyone more love me?”
John Tyson (Tyson Foods)
“You want me to feed him into the cow smusher? I bet he’d smush up real nice.”
Bobby Kotick (Activision Blizzard)
“I never say this, but he probably should have spent less time playing video games and more time covering his tracks.”
Marc Benioff (Salesforce)
“We’ll find him a job. We don’t check shit.”
Jeff Clarke (Kodak)
“Nothing beats the warm look of film to make your mug shots special.”
Tim Cook (Apple CEO)
“This is why it’s important to just play the slow and steady game of getting richer and richer through the widely accepted practice of planned obsolescence.”
Brian Armstrong (Coinbase)
“I’ve always said that crypto is bullshit.”
Daniel Zhang (Alibaba)
“He should have bought 5,000 units of handcuff keys from one of our many trusted vendors.”
Changpeng Zhao (Binance)
“Wow, that’s so crazy. So messed up. Anyways, I have to go to Russia now for a, uh, dentist appointment.”
Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)
“He did what with whose asshole? Oh, he didn’t do anything like that? Sorry, I guess I zoned out and just let my mind wander.”
Whitney Wolfe Herd (Bumble)
“It pains me to say we’ve lost our horniest customer.”
Reed Hastings (Netflix)
“Dibs! Dibs, dibs, dibs. Hulu, you heard that? Dibs.”
Satya Nadella (Microsoft)
“He just did what any of us wealthy sociopaths would have done.”
Charles Koch (Koch Industries)
“This is exactly why we keep polyamorous polycules within the family.”
Albert Bourla (Pfizer)
“Sorry, I still don’t know what these ‘consequences’ are that everyone seems to be into lately.”
Richard Sackler (Purdue Pharma)
“I can’t think of anything more evil someone could do than steal money from investors.”
Frederick Smith (FedEx)
“I repeatedly offered to smuggle him anywhere in the world in one of our special FedEx human trafficking boxes, and I bet now he’s wishing he took me up on it.”
Rodney McMullen (Kroger)
“I lost $50 million on an investment to make digital food with that guy.”
Warren Buffett (
“Oof, he’ll have a hard time finding a lawyer right now in the middle of corporate litigation season.”
Giovanni Caforio (
“It’s really too bad, we were this close to creating a monstrous crypto-pharmaceutical industry hybrid that would cause more problems than the world has ever seen.”
David Scrivano (Little Caesars)
“Pizza pizza.”
Sundar Pichai (Google)
“So that’s why we saw searches for ‘extradition laws’ shoot up in the Bahamas last week.”
Bill Gates (F
“Should have been smart and stuck to fucking children on Epstein’s plane.”
