This November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said.
Tyler Hart (Airplane Mechanic)
“I like a candidate who understands what it’s like to not understand a goddamn thing.”
Curtis Klein (Civil Engineer)
“I like his moderate stance on whether it’s okay to hold a gun to your wife’s head.”
Alex Etoh (Line Cook)
“I don’t want to have voting access anymore, and if I keep voting Republican, I won’t.”
Sharon Grisham (Graphic Designer)
“As a woman, mother, and daughter in Georgia, I give any candidate who allegedly abused their ex-wife a big old thumbs-up.”
Brandon Rees (Pipe Fitter)
“FOOTBALL!!!”
Eric Walker (Electrician)
“If I vote for him, maybe he’ll finally recognize me as his biological son.”
Martha Lombard (Consultant)
“Repeated blows to the head have allowed that man to channel one of the most hateful political agendas I have ever had the honor of bearing witness to.”
Raya Wilcox (Database Coordinator)
“Pretty sure he said the word ‘God’ a couple of times.”
Nick Stephenson (Bicycle Repairman)
“Walker has 8,225 rushing yards in the NFL. Meanwhile, Warnock has, what, four, five thousand? No comparison there.”
Phillippa Couper (Accountant)
“He’s really big, and I think he could easily pick me up and lift me over his head, and I like to feel tiny.”
Doug McGarvie (Dentist)
“I like covering myself in honey, going out into a forest, and lying still in a clearing. Animals of all kinds will come up to lick you, after they realize you’re not a threat and just a sweet vehicle for honey, of course. It tickles and feels good. Anyway, I just vote straight-party every time.”
Brenna Hardy (Public Relations)
“I needed a quick and easy rebuttal to blurt out every time I’m called a racist.”
Fatima Chapman (Geological Technician)
“At this point, I’m going to avoid voting for a candidate who insists he’ll do good things but then doesn’t, and just go right to the guy who seems confident he’s going to suck. It’s easier.”
Liddy Gaspar (Fiberglass Grinder)
“His incoherent ramblings on the issues really speak to me.”
Krzyyyzyiccik (Unborn Fetus)
“HERSCHEL WILL RELEASE ME INTO THE WORLD. RISE, HERSCHEL, SO THAT I AND MY UNBORN HORDES WILL BE ABLE TO ZOOM OUT THE WOMB AND WALK THIS EARTH FOREVER.”
Frank Everton (Contractor)
“As far as senators go, CTE is about as good as Alzheimer’s.”
Nancy Harrison (Interior Decorator)
“I just switch back and forth from Democrat to Republican every election to keep things fair.”
Randy Gardner (Small Business Owner)
“The voting machines are programmed to automatically add 20,000 votes to anyone who won a Heisman at Georgia.”
Allen Hendrix (Architect)
“Like Reagan, he has an IMDB page.”
Rafael Warnock (Senator)
“Anything to get me away from those fucking insane lunatics in Washington.”
Heather Underwood (Attorney)
“He’s a big, strong athlete capable of making my pathetic husband feel inadequate anytime he appears on TV.”
Chris Weaver (Unemployed)
“Big volleyball fan.”
Kurt Howard (Sales Associate)
“He looks like the guy from the top of the trophy!”
Tim Barker (Curator)
“He’s an unapologetic, impulsive man of aggressive action and has the domestic abuse allegations to prove it.”
Barbara Pickett (Wedding Planner)
“I’m voting for the ‘Guys Who Want Me Dead’ ticket.”
Kirsten Leal (Account Executive)
“He’s living proof of the American dream of running a grift while having a personality disorder.”
