oh my sweet baby jesus, hpk (harry potter kid) just accepted my facebook friend request and one of his profile pictures is Brian Bell.
I WAS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAID (to anyone but him) HE LOOKED JUST LIKE BRIAN BELL (or Harry Potter, hence, hpk).

I was too busy quietly stalking him to say it to his face.
Except that time I waited around the library after school to ask him to be in my carpool. But you know, it never came up.

Four years of laughing at this guy, and then realizing I had a crush on him, and then following him around and zipping up his backpack when he forgot and put it on already.

I am so creepy.

He is so unreal.

Hello friends. I've got just over an hour left at work, and I finished (for the most part) getting claraloona ready to go. The mood theme took me an hour and 15 minutes straight. But that was an hour and fifteen minutes I was distracted and determined at work :)

My brother is finished working for the summer but he just showed up in here and handed me my check. Thanks? I have no idea what he was doing here.

My cousins Haley and Nicole are taking the amtrak train into the cities tonight. We're picking them up at 10:30, I can't wait! It was only 5 years ago that we all huddled onto Colie's bed and I read aloud Goblet of Fire in my best HP reading voice and we laughed like loons at Pervert!Myrtle and Ceeeedric in the oven. I don't remember what made us think he was in the oven, but there was something... Anyways.

Hah! Jeremiah (cleaning shoes in the adjacent room) has his ipod playing and I hear the steady base line of Weezer's Only in Dreams.
I just told him that it's my favorite =W= song, ever. It's actually my favorite song by any artist, ever. I'm a sucker for dramatic climaxes in my music. This song sounds like sex. I'd link it so you could hear for yourself, but I don't know how :/

Okay pals. This is bamzerlime saying SEE YUH and that the next time you hear from me will be as claraloona :D

The Coen brothers are coming to my neighborhood to film their new movie TWO DAYS after I leave for Chicago. FUCK. THAT.

Whatever, I saw Christian Bale and Johnny Depp in the flesh.

Bloomington's going to be in a mooooviiiie!!

Even with the changing perspective, I am still going to have days like these (apparently).
And I know what brings them on. Putting things off for "tomorrow" to wake up that day and push them further, further, further away from me with restless rest, mindless reading, mindless eating, reaching and reaching for anything that will get those enjoyable (yes, enjoyable) tasks just one more minute away from me.
I know there is fear, but what of?? Sometimes I put off the exercise because I doubt that I can jog for a longish period of time, and then I think, "well what's the point of even speed walking for an hour with wrist weights...I'll do it later" which turns into tomorrow, which sometimes turns into next week. Unfortunately. But I like the walking, I like the jogging, I like the feeling in my chest the rest of the day.

Why do I insist on living in filth to put off the cleansing life I crave? It's very tiring. And annoying.

I watched the last half of Motorcycle Diaries with Claire in her attic last night and wanted to be a better person (and also wanted to cuddle Gael Garcia Bernal, but when is that any different). I'm afraid to be a better person because I don't think I'm actually that good? Eep.

How do I muster up self-love when I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, in my mind's eye, in my friends' gazes.

I find out Audra is not returning to DePaul and I am indescribably disappointed. I wish I had the courage that day to walk and talk with her and not hide around the dead end corner (accidentally). We could have been friends, who knows, if I wasn't so convinced nobody wanted anything to do with me.

When did I become such a sad sack? I was shy, yes, but never doubted my own self-worth growing up. Fuck college, lol. No. Fuck poor choices and eating habits and miserable mindsets and hiding and backing down.
Never again will I move desperately towards the dead end dark corner. Always move confidentally towards confident others, towards risk and adventure, towards love and empathy.

A very true friend told me that if I stand up and face what I am afraid of instead of back down when it gets difficult or uncomfortable, I will find that I am a lot stronger than I think. I believe her. And I can keep this in mind.

I actually had a dream the other night about being back in Chicago and running around with Tess. Jane was only free on Wednesdays, but instead of coming to play with us she read and slept. I woke up a little bit pissed off at dream!Jane and wished like hell that real Jane was in Minnesota. Or me in Ohio. Or both of us in Chicago. SOMETHING.

I will wrap this up with two haikus and a random rant written earlier this summer on my clipboard of paper.

crap drawing skills are
destroying my chances of
drawing skillfully


crusty heels and a
crusty nose and a crusty
attitude towards life


The air is thick like the thoughts that swirl in her mind.
Hot and stuffy and always expanding, no room for sense, no room for understanding.
T.V PUSHES ANY AND ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT FAR FAR AWAY AND ALL THAT'S LEFT IS WHAT YOU CAN FEEL, BIG AND THICK, LIKE A HOT, STIFLING BLANKET, WRAPPED TIGHT ON A BALMY NIGHT, I GET IT, I KNOW IT, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'm back! And sitting upstairs in my bathrobe (freshly showered) with my mom who is watching Season 3 of Weeds.

I have pictures OF the cabin (and a wicked bruise on my leg courtesy of Erik George) but my camera batteries are dead, so....later. Nice, relaxing weekend, indeed!

I felt like a powerful she-man (?) climbing up the rope ladder onto the water trampoline. It was a good feeling especially since Erik had a harder time with it, and my mom and Mary gave up after 10 minutes and just avoided the thing all together. I HAVE THE LEG AND ARM STRENGTH OF A COUGAR. It wasn't very bouncy, and jumping off was difficult (I landed on my side/face a lot), so the best part was climbing the ladder.

Loaded Questions is a fun game to play with your sister, her husband, and your two neighbor boy best pals. At least 75% of the time their answers for me had to do with Harry Potter.

-"Hogwarts" (Aaron: What the hell is that, something you get from sleeping with pigs?)
-Q: What national emergency would the President call upon (Rachel) for help with? Erik's A: Dementors in Little Whinging
-Q: Which celebrity does not deserve to be a celebrity? Amy's A: Cliffton..something The Actor Who Plays Harry Potter

And so forth. I take it all in stride.

The campfires were cozy and funny and drunky and I love looking at stars. Even with Mary George absolutely howling, "A SHOOTING STAR, DID YOU SEE IT, DID YOU SEE IT?". And that's before she was drunk, ha.

On the ride into Webster for dinner Saturday night (10 of us in the 9person suburban):
Mom: *reads a sign* Hey, a Christian Garage Sale!
Me: A "Christian Garage" Sale or a Christian "Garage Sale"? *complete with air-quotes*
Mom: Oh, shut up with the Arrested Development, I know, I'm the one who made you watch it when it was on t.v!

Crap, I shouldn't be updating when I am going to a jazz thing with Claire in a few minutes. Must get dressed!

p.s I caught up on all your entries while I ate a delicious dinner of branflakes, yogurt, and berries, mixed like a parfaitish thing. I didn't comment much, but I ♥ you all. Especially lilylines, you baldy. APARTMENTS?! news, soon please.

I remember once talking to Karl about how much he enjoyed Finding Nemo.

I told him that a couple of seconds of animation on a movie like that takes a week.

He said, "Not worth it. Just poke a real fish with a stick and film it."

Man, I love Karl Pilkington. I cannot WAIT for their final audiobook series this winter. I wish Karl was my uncle. Or next door neighbor. That way we're not related, and apparently he doesn't have anything to do with his family (his parents being the exception) anyways.
He once ran into his (adult) sister in a parking lot and found out then she was pregnant. And was naively insulting about it. I LOVE KARL.

I watched an episode of AD during my core stretch this morning (remember, I've just finished watching season one and two this week and my friend at school has my s3 right now) and I've kept it going during breakfast and now while I'm dicking around on my computer when I SHOULD be packing. I just watched this episode like two days ago. It's a good one. They all are.

This is getting ridiculous though, so AD off, and I'm packing now.

Well, I must admit I did try to wriggle out of tonight's swing dancing what with the nervous eating stomach ache and all, but although Madeleine went off to a movie or something, and Tyler did not respond to my text message, Claire got off work an hour early and I used that natural circumstance to help buck up my ideas about myself. So Claire and I went! We got there exactly an hour before they stopped the live music, but it was a nice little taste of The Wabasha Street Caves.
The place is honestly amazing, I want to have a birthday bash or wedding reception or something there. It's basically a castle on the outside and a posh batcave on the inside. The dance floor wraps around the brick walls and there's lots of tables throughout and a bar on the other side of the dance floor/big brick wall.

Although Claire and I were limited in our swing steps, we had fun improvising and I knew I wouldn't have been as comfortable getting my footing (hahaha) with anyone else.
But now I am pumped to go next week with my cousins Haley and Nicole, and Claire's bringing Jon, and I'm going to ask Erik and Ty this weekend, and hopefully Madeleine doesn't make other plans!

We listened to DeVotchKa and Bjork in the car there and back and it was extremely fitting for reasons we could not place. We both just felt it.

Also, I finally managed to wear one of two pairs of cello pants my mom bought this winter! Unless I am in a cello recital, it's hard to find places to wear these beasts, but it turns out swing dancing is perfect! They even hid my tennis shoes! hahah.

Claire and I went to IKEA by the mall of america instead of taking the light rail to the farmers market because we were pressed for time, since she had to get back to work. It was nice just to spend the afternoon in her company :)

I should sleep now, if I want to get up at 8 to run and pack and such before leaving at noon. I better make the most of the weekend, I've always been jealous of kids with cabins. And kayaks!!

Dream Update:
I tend to have a lot of dreams where I am "dating" girls but I don't ever see them, or touch them, or anything and I wonder what that is all about. Like last night I was "going out with" some bitch from the Disney Chanel and at some Disney Original Movie type premiere I was hugging the girl's sister? It was weird.
Also, I was driving on a freeway and a guy on a motorcycle was behind be with a shotgun, shooting people who pissed him off! I calmly took the nearest exit and some back roads and such but I kept seeing him behind me, even though he wasn't following me, exactly. It was scary, I didn't realize I was dreaming.
And then I was in my bed and clevermonikerr was snuggled up with me and I was telling her all about my scary shotgun dream and then she left and my cousin Haley showed up, and the Disney Bitch's little sister whom I hugged before, and I was annoyed by the sister and anxious to get out of my room, and I can't remember what happened next, but I woke up and it was 9:30 and time for a blackberry wheat pancake :)

Claire is on her way to pick me up, we are going to the farmer's market downtown :) It's so nice and sunny outside.

Work got all confunded last night but I took a relaxing breath and rolled with it and it was really great. I read all the sheets my talk therapist gave me on Tuesday about letting go of the need to control, and detachment and I typed a 6page word document following the questions and steps about detaching from food, and not being such a control freak and it was basically the best feeling (but calming) thing in the world. A lot of it is from AA...pamphlet type things, but it certainly applies to other areas. It's all a form of addiction, right?

I went through all my word documents in the halfway house (with no internet) and found

( this, which I remember writing at Tess' desk and basically sums up my first year college experienceCollapse )

Have a nice, relaxing weekend everybody! I will be at a cabin (my dad's work friend borrowed us) with the George family, so no internet but lots of reading and swimming and kayaking!

Oh man I need to go to bed. What a strange feeling day. I slept until 10:30 (but last night I was talking with Madeleine until almost 1am), mowed the lawn, read in the hammock, showered but didn't dress until my talk therapy appointment this evening, which was excellent. No tears! I felt really good sharing my strengths and weaknesses (which Jane, Mad, Lark and Claire provided like the magnificent pals they are) and I think Leslie was shocked at how I was able to work my "cognitive behavioral" skillz so suddenly. Kick ass!

I left my bike at Mad's when she gave me a ride home, so I stopped by to pick it up tonight and ended up hanging around for a bit. I'm glad because Jonas came over soon after and he is a treat. Always.
Jonas: So my last day of work (Life Time Fitness Club) is monday. It'll be great to be done!
Madeleine: What are you going to do with yourself the rest of the summer?
Jonas: Oh I'll probably be at the club most of that time. Working there has surprisingly cut into my work outs.

(This kid spent 4-6 hours working out a day during the school year. He wants to be a psychologist and the only male cheerleader on his college's cheering squad. He was born in Switzerland and speaks fluent French. He wore tighter jeans than me when we were in 9th grade. He is allergic to everything and gets taken to the hospital at least once every year at summer camp because he manages to accidentally eat a nut-related food somehow. He looks like Adrian Brody, only Swiss. He's quite the character, and Janie, if you do end up marrying him, good freaking luck. ...Perhaps I'll end up with his younger brother Sacha who looks like Colin Farrel and let's me play with his Harry Potter locks. For Sirius.)

They are a strange, yet endearing bunch.

I'm excited about my new AD mood theme! But FUCK is it a lot of work to get set up. There is always a problem with every step, I find. I'm still fixing some glitches here and there. It's going to be hell to do it all again when I add it onto claraloona (because it's not freaking showing up when I try to choose it on that account). Good think I work in the canteen tomorrow and have internet access plus 6 hours to figure it out :)

I am watching the last disc of Arrested Development Season 1 and eating my second bowl of Bran Flakes, yogurt, and berries for the day. Yum.

I went to Target and the library earlier instead of hiking with Lark because she's got a bum knee and a drum set to sell. Sisterhood will be great tomorrow though :)

Target did not have red tights (BAH) so that puts an end to my Thursday night swing dancing outfit (I know, my life is dreadfully messy and complicated, eh?)
I watched two episodes of Flight of the Conchords when I woke up and did my floor workout stuff. It's a little ridiculous. The songs are in my head all the time and now my brain is speaking thinking in a Kiwi-a-gogo accent.

My only plans tonight are to jog, bike and listen to The Dark Knight, and read in the hammock. Woot!