Life Beyond the Casinos

We have a hummingbird nest right outside our front door. She has built a nest in a potted miniature pomegranate tree.  It seems awfully exposed. But she is unafraid.

Today is take the car for an oil change day. Since we only have one vehicle it means scheduling a day with the neighbor so we can drop it off and pick it up later. When you retire, everything is painful.  It’s not like we don’t have all the time in the world, but it somehow feels restricting. It’s a doctor’s visit for the car.

It should be done by noon.  Then we can go to lunch and enjoy the afternoon.  I’ve been contemplating swimming this morning or perhaps some yoga. But so far all I have done is drink coffee and watch the news.

The darn president came on with a special report on the war in Iran.  This has been concerning. This administration has gotten us in a pickle and the end and outcome seem uncertain. Is it the end of the world? 

Okay enough for now my head is spinning.

I read an article this morning about loneliness. It was an interesting take about people who seem socially active but are still lonely. Their social persona is fake. They are playing a role and are hiding behind it. They are not being their true self out of fear of rejection.

I’m not totally explaining this right but the concept is that we are not sharing ourselves as we would be at home in our comfy clothes on a Sunday afternoon relaxing  on the coach watch amour favorite movie or tv show for the seventh or eighth time.

Kind of sounds like gay people who live a double life in the closet.  Interesting but not surprising that this form of loneliness does not just exist in our gay world.

I am not an expert by any means but it got me thinking about my own loneliness. Yes, you can be surrounded by people and still feel left out and alone. Thankfully I do not become sad and depressed.  I deal with it in my own way.

Sometimes “I want to be alone.” Marlene Dietrich is credited with this line whether she actually said it or not she lived it.

“Marlene Dietrich spent the final 11 to 13 years of her life (approx. 1979–1992) as a secluded recluse in her Paris apartment at 12 Avenue Montaigne. Following a successful career, she became bedridden, relying on painkillers and alcohol while avoiding public view. She maintained contact only with a select few, dying alone in 1992.”

While I am not planning on becoming a recluse, I do enjoy being alone sometimes. Having a partner who is also retired has made these moments few and far between.  I make them by getting up early or staying home while he goes to the store.  I love those early mornings.

One of my faults as it were is I am not keen on affection. This has resulted in a friendship style marriage.  The intimacy is awkward or non-existent.  There I said it.  I know it is my fault.  I am not sure how to overcome it. Now that I am on so many medications the sex drive is very limited.  While I feel excited sometimes I cannot show it outwardly and act on it anymore. ED etc.

Why am I going down this rabbit hole.  I think because it is related to the lonely persona. I am hiding my true feelings and needs out of fear of rejection.  It is an unreal fear to be sure because my husband loves me unconditionally.

Don’t worry about me I am just brain dumping right now.  We are planning a trip into the city on Friday. A gay night out. Maybe that will break the solitude.

This month has flown by so quickly.  Not a lot happening. I’ve been to several happy hours at the clubhouse.  One was for Valentine’s Day.  We celebrated a neighborhood’s birthday on the 12th and tonight we are having a small dinner party for another.

There have been the usual struggles with insurance. The latest is a rejection of my CPAP supplies claim.  Now I have to visit the doctor and get an approval sent in to the carrier.  Since I changed insurance everything requires a prior authorization. I suppose I went through this with the last company as well, but it never gets easier.

Spring is in the air for a day or two, hopefully longer. While I know the mountains need the snow, I am not a fan of rain and wind. I prefer bright sunshine.

We have no plans in the near future for any trips. Our new friend from South Carolina is coming to visit in late March. It should be nice weather by then.

I had an echocardiogram yesterday.  Just routine, unless they see something a miss.

The world is as insane as ever. The news had one glimmer of hope today, the supreme court shot down the tariffs.

I lead a simple life …