Falling In Love With Fall

Posted on October 18, 2021 by janieleeds

I love Fall. I love how the leaves change colors and how it starts to get chilly at night. In the romantic images that have been running through my head lately, I am sitting outside around a fire pit watching the stars dance in the sky with a special someone. Snuggled under a blanket, maybe listening to some background music and just holding hands, while sipping wine and enjoying each other’s company.

Can you tell I was watching movies all weekend?

But really, wouldn’t it be lovely to fall in love during the Fall? Taking walks in the park, crunching on fallen leaves, holding hands, sipping cider (or wine?) and going with the flow to see how we get along? I am a huge romantic in case you didn’t know. And I love the season of Fall.

So, where do I find someone special? After watching all the rom-com’s this weekend, I think I need to take more walks, go to Home Depot and maybe visit the grocery store at a different time than I’ve been doing. Because that seems to be where people meet people, right? Maybe I should practice my clumsiness so that I can bump right into him accidentally!? LOL

I’ve done the online dating thing and I didn’t like it at all. I have friends who are still plugging away, but there’s nothing new there as far as I can tell. And I am not desperate. I just have this little spring in my step lately that’s imagining romance, kissing under the stars and holding hands (just to name a few things).

I miss when we were younger and dating because it was so much easier. Perhaps it was the time or maybe it was the age. Either way, I think this is harder to be over 50, divorced and additionally Covid’s not helping either.

What do you think? Don’t you think it would be très romantique to fall in love during the fall?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, dating after 50, love | Tagged , , , , | 20 Comments

Silent Gaslighting

Posted on October 16, 2021 by janieleeds

I just made up the term Silent Gaslighting because I think it’s a good way to explain what happened to me in the story below. If there’s a better term, just let me know.

My first brush with the silent treatment was back when we were dating. Of course, in hindsight, it was a red flag, but one that I was so baffled by at the time that I didn’t know what to do with it. The interesting part of it was that what made him so mad was that I didn’t trust him. I found this event in an old journal recently.

We went away with another couple to a ski lodge. After a long night of fun with friends we went back to our cabin. I was pretty tipsy and instead of ‘cuddling’ I was ready to sleep. I don’t know the details except that I barely remember him asking me if I trusted him and according to him, I responded “No” and promptly fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke to our friends knocking on the door because we had their skis in our cabin. It was my guy friend and his girlfriend and when he walked in, he asked about the many empty bottles on the fireplace hearth that were lined up. I hadn’t noticed them until he pointed them out to me. I shrugged and gave him their skis. Once he left, I looked and saw about 10 empty bottles that weren’t there the night before when we came home. My friend invited us to brunch in an hour at the lodge and I told him that we’d meet him there.

I woke up him up and explained how we were invited to brunch in an hour. I was excited to enjoy brunch at the lodge, but he wasn’t. In a clipped tone, he said we would be leaving and not going to brunch because he had to get home. I was disappointed, but didn’t think anything of it. I called my guy friend to let him know that we wouldn’t be at brunch and then proceeded to shower and get dressed. All the while the ex was ignoring me. I was confused, but I figured he was someone who needed quiet time when he woke up and remembered he’d downed all those beers too.

We got in the car to take the 2 hour drive to his house and he wasn’t talking to me still. I asked if he was ok and he didn’t answer. I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I asked about the empty bottles and he gave me a sneer. I figured he was hung over and didn’t want to talk about it. But he was being so aloof and standoffish that I didn’t know what to make of it.

“Are you not talking to me?” I asked, with no response from him.

“What’s going on? Are you mad at me?” He took his eyes from the road for a brief moment and stared at me with hard eyes. My mind raced trying to figure out why he was mad at me.

“Why are you mad at me?” I figured I might as well ask. I kept staring at him, willing him to answer. He stayed completely quiet with his eyes boring holes into the pavement in front of the car and began to drive faster.

“Please keep to the speed limit,” I quietly murmured. I couldn’t figure out what the devil was going on with him. He had never acted this way before.

“You know.”

“No I don’t. That’s why I’m asking you. Did I do something wrong?” No response.

“Can you tell me please?” The silence was deafening and finally after a long, long, long pause he answered.

“You know what you did.” Deadpanned. The words hung in the air.

“No, I don’t. Honestly. Why are you mad at me?”

“You hurt me.” He glared at me and I began to get upset because I don’t hurt people intentionally and I thought we had a good time the night before so I was confused. I began to apologize and try to smooth things over because he was obviously hurt and mad.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you. Can you please tell me what I did because all I remember is that we had a good time and then I was really sleepy when we got back to the cabin. Are you mad because I fell asleep and was tipsy? We were all tipsy last night. Please talk with me.”

“You said it. You know what you said.” He was looking straight at me with anger in his eyes, all while now driving way over the speed limit and scaring me. His clipped cold tone made me almost wish he’d still be giving me the silent treatment.

I stayed quiet for awhile. I didn’t know what to say. How was I supposed to know what he was talking about? Ok, I know I was tipsy, but I couldn’t figure out what I could have possibly said to make him this angry and hurt. We drove in silence for awhile until I began to cry quietly. Who was this person? He was always so kind, so nice, so much fun to be with, but this was like Jekyll and Hyde. We had been together for a few months already and I’d never seen him like this. I didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t cry.” It came out like a command.

I was afraid to talk. His tone was icy without any compassion. I tried to stop crying, wiping away the tears with my head down. He was still speeding, but not as badly as before, so maybe he was softening.

“Why won’t you talk with me? I’m sorry for whatever I did to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you and I don’t remember a lot because I was tipsy. I’m sorry for that. We didn’t eat a lot last night and I…”

“When we got back to the cabin, I asked you if you trusted me and you said no.” His words were delivered in a measured monotone as I sat stunned.

Of course I trusted him. We had been dating for a few months and I really liked him. Truth be told, I loved him. Everyone did. So, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know the context of his questioning if I trusted him, but I vaguely remembered although I was surprised that I had answered ‘no’ according to him. Because I did trust him, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone away to the ski lodge with him.

“Is that why you drank all of those beers?”

“You made me do it.” He was seething in a clipped tone and underscored it by looking straight at me with a venomous look.

I didn’t know what to say. I made him drink those beers? That was a lot of beer to drink by himself after what we’d had before we got back to the cabin. I knew he had a high tolerance, but still, that was a lot of beer. And how did I make him drink them? I was asleep! I wasn’t even aware. What was going on here? Why was he acting this way?

“I don’t know what to say except I”m sorry. I do trust you.” Entreatingly I reached out to touch him. His hand shot out and brushed mine away.

“Really, I’m sorry. I don’t remember that part of the night. I vaguely recall you asking if I trusted you, but I don’t remember saying no to you. I don’t know why I would have because I do trust you.”

I began to cry again. I couldn’t help it. He sat stoically driving in silence.

I repeated myself multiple times. “I’m sorry. I do trust you.” But he wouldn’t answer so after awhile, we just sat in silence.

When we finally reached his place, I got out of the car like a scolded child. I didn’t know what to say, so I simply got out, got my stuff out of his car as he came around to the trunk of the car.

“Thanks. It was fun until the end. I’m sorry,” I said as I looked at him.

He kissed me on the forehead and then whispered in my ear, “I know.” I turned to look at him again and he winked. Then walked into his house as I stood there transfixed in the driveway with my car just a few feet away wondering “What just happened?”.

Posted in divorce | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Gaslighting

Posted on October 14, 2021 by janieleeds

I remember when I was married how I knew to just acquiesce in a fight because I wasn’t going to win. As the ex-wife of a narcissist, before I knew what it meant, I instinctively understood that for my own sanity, I needed to bow out of a fight with him. What would start as a simple request on my part for something (like please hang up your suit when you take it off instead of tossing it over the footboard and then complaining about how it’s wrinkled) would escalate to a tirade of all of the real? (and his imagined) faults of mine until I would be practically cowering, defending myself and giving up because I had no idea what the hell was going on.

That, my friends, is a typical maneuver of narcissists and gaslighting. Gaslight: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

This happened often until I just relented and hung up the dumb suits because I didn’t want conflict nor to hear his mouth. Slowly but surely, I became the maid and a shadow of myself. And the worst part is I almost didn’t realize it because it was a slow controlling mechanism that he used in order to get his way and be the power figure in our relationship. Sadly, it worked. Sadly, I allowed it.

I walked on eggshells. I scurried and often tried to think steps ahead to make things nice so that we wouldn’t have those minefields to deal with daily. I knew the ex was unhappy so I gave him space and often took the verbal abuse because I didn’t want the kids to take it. I wanted to shield them. I could handle it; having grown up in a narcissistic family. I knew it would blow over if I just let it roll off my back and not take offense.

Getting off subject in a fight is a narcissist’s talent. He would zig and zag all over the place, dredging up past grudges, pinpointing my weak spots and vulnerabilities until I couldn’t remember what the start of the argument was even about at all. And yes, I’m a smart girl. But when you love a narcissist, they know exactly what can make your brain flood with emotion until you can’t think straight and cleverly, they manipulate you until you can’t think any longer. You can’t get a word in edgewise. You are shut down immediately when you try to defend yourself or tell them that they’re not right in their assessment. Because that is not allowed. They are never wrong. You are always wrong. And at all costs, they will win the fight no matter what – because they have to, their narcissism demands it.

Their narcissism is an aching hole of misery within them where they are never enough and the putting down of you, the winning of the fight, the power they feel when they are successful in demeaning you fuels them, calms them and fills that hole in them for a little while. All to cycle back again when the monster within them feels empty. They take from you in order to feed that emptiness inside of them. Your empathic self, your love for them, your willingness to do whatever it takes to make them happy feeds that monster within until they drain you of all self-worth. You’re nothing more than their punching bag of fuel when needed. Until you are no longer needed and then you are discarded like an old tennis shoe with a hole in the sole and soul.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , | 14 Comments

Kindness For Fido’s Family

Posted on October 7, 2021 by janieleeds

My brother’s family has Covid even though they’re all vaxxed. Ten days after my brother’s first symptom, the dog got sick. You remember the dog, right? I pet sat Fido and Mr. Kitty a few months ago. Well, Fido’s not been doing well for awhile now. And suddenly his back legs weren’t able to hold him up at all, right on the day my brother was out of quarantine for Covid.

The ER vet said that he could get a prescription to help the dog for another month or so, but they decided to finally let the dog go. Just shy of fifteen years is a long time with a beloved pet so it was hard, but thankfully they did it.

My SIL called the vet and asked a huge favor – that she could be there even though she was positive and the vet allowed it. Outside only on the grass with huge precautions, she was able to be with my brother and Fido as he passed.

The whole family was really sad about Fido’s passing, but it had gotten really hard for Fido and I was glad that they let him go. And my brother is such a good guy, he went out and got my SIL’s favorite chocolates and flowers to give to her from Fido as he knew she didn’t want to let Fido go, but that it was time. He’s an awesome guy.

I asked my SIL if she told Mr. Kitty about Fido’s passing as I’m sure Mr. Kitty is wondering where his favorite dog friend is. But she thought I was nuts to even think that…I don’t know. I talk to my pets.

Do you?

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

Back In Town

Posted on October 6, 2021 by janieleeds

Blech. The ex has moved back in with his parents even though he’s a bigshot in a company states away. He’s been gone and only rarely came ‘home’ for holidays for the last few years. It was a relief for me because I only had to be aware of his parents when I went out. But now he’s here and has been for the last few months which is disconcerting to me. I don’t want to run into him.

It is good and bad for my kids, our kids, because their dad is nearby. It’s good because they can go work out with him at the gym and every once in awhile they’re invited to the grandparents’ house to have dinner with them and their dad. I do relish a night off from cooking dinner! LOL

However, it’s not good because he’s now with some new girl (there have been a string of them) who’s local and he spends all his time with her. The kids were talking about how he was hiking last weekend with her and one of them said, “Yeah, but he’d never do that with us when he was here and alone and we wanted to spend time with him.” Indeed, he doesn’t ask them to do anything except meet up at the gym and most of the time, they invite him to go with them.

It’s so strange to me, but then again their relationship with their dad isn’t any of my business. That’s between them. The problem is that the kids talk with me and share how they feel about it and I feel badly. In the past, I tried to help them to bridge the gap with their dad, but now I just listen.

However, if your ex had moved back to town, wouldn’t you feel yucky if he were a hurtful narcissist with bizarre mommy issues with your ex-MIL (often referred to as Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond)? At least I live 10 minutes away from them and can go to a different set of stores. But I know I’m not out of their reach. I’ve seen the ex-laws car pass by my house. Spying again I’m sure. It’s bizarre really.

Narcissists have a strange set of rules and being the ex-wife of one is not fun. Because they’re always watching even when you’re no longer part of their life. I happily went on about my life when he moved away. And I will happily (perhaps with a bit more trepidation) continue to live my life. I just dread the day I bump into him somewhere. Because he’s a loose cannon and I can’t predict him.

I’ve thought about the scenario because I’m a bit of a planner, a just in case I need to know what to do kind of girl. As long as it’s not a face to face encounter, I’ll not ‘see’ him if possible. That would be the best because then I don’t have to worry about any confrontation since he owes me a lot of money and he’s been a deadbeat dad. Sure, would I love to confront him with his new gf and let her know what he’s really like? Yes! But if you know malignant narcissists at all, you’ll know that this is a fight you’d never win for their manipulation of lies is extraordinary. It’s not worth it. Better that I continue with the law on my side and pursue the money stuff that way. And just go along my merry way not seeing him.

Because I really don’t want to see the smug mug on his face if he were with the new girlfriend who’s younger. The old me would have been saddened that I’d been replaced. Current me, although I need to lose a few pounds, wouldn’t care at all because I’m free of him! Of course, there’s that little voice inside of me that says, get those covid pounds off in case you see him. LOL not to get him back, but to feel more confident.

Wow, I’m all over the place today with this post. Sorry! Feel free to comment below if you’ve had any of these issues. Many of us have been there, put up with that and are still here!! LOL

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , | 15 Comments

Your Presence Is The Present You Give Your Kids

Posted on October 5, 2021 by janieleeds

Parenting 101 especially after divorce most important tip:

Be present with your kids. Listen. Take the time and stop what you’re doing so that they feel like you’re listening to them, you’re hearing what they’re telling you and they feel heard because they’re important to you. This makes all the difference to them.

Janie Leeds

Recently my kids had some friends over and they were all chatting about men’s fashion styles, what it means to be a gentleman and their relationships with their own dads and stepdads. I was busy putting things away around the house (and yes, I was listening with half an ear) when suddenly one of them asked me how to tie a man’s tie because they were practicing.

Luckily, my own dad had taught me how to tie a Windsor knot, but I can only do it facing the wearer of the tie. So I stopped what I was doing and starting ‘teaching’ it to all of them. It was so fun to be included and we ended up talking for a long time. Sure, did I have plans and was on a roll with what I was doing? Yes! But did I stop it to be present with them? YES!

Why? Because these precious moments don’t come often enough as far as I’m concerned. And when they present themselves, I am all in! These early 20’s year old boys sat around with me (I fixed snacks) and wanted to talk with me. To tell me what was going on with them and how they were feeling. They even talked about their parents’, girlfriends etc. I was amazed and honored. I kept thinking that my kids would want me to butt out, but they encouraged it.

It was really interesting to hear their points of views on life. It made my heart sad when one who has both biological and step dads talk about how he feels alone. The boys shared how they wanted to be dads to their kids and some wanted do things differently than their dads did. But the one thing they kept saying to me was how much they appreciated that I took time out to talk with them.

And what made my heart swell with love was when my kids told them that we do this often. We just talk about life and those boys asked if they could come back and have a chat again soon. I was honored. I even got a bit teary after they left because they seemed to sincerely want to return to just talk and be heard.

So stop and listen when the kids want to talk with you.

Give them your full attention because they know when you’re not and they won’t try to talk with you again if you’re not all in.

They’ll feel pushed away even if that’s not your intention.

They’ll feel alone and abandoned even when you don’t think that’s the vibe you’re giving off.

To them, it is.

I actually think this applies to all relationships, but because we had this experience over the weekend, I thought it was important to tell. Perhaps it might help someone else….

Posted in divorce, love | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

It’s Monday…

Posted on October 4, 2021 by janieleeds

I don’t know where the time is going to lately. Honestly, it feels like I turn around and poof! It’s Monday again and for the life of me I can’t tell you what happened last week. Probably because it seems like it’s Groundhog Day a lot of the time lately. Same routine day in and day out. I need some more of that good Fall crisp air to invigorate me.

I did start decorating for Fall in the house. I realized though that a lot of the decorations aren’t to my taste anymore. I tried to keep a bunch of them when we moved after the divorce so the kids would see familiar things, but nowadays I don’t think they care quite so much and I can move on. Give away what doesn’t suit me anymore. Let go of what was.

Lately I’ve been in a funk. You can probably tell from my lack of writing. I have started so many posts, but then I never publish them. I’m really tired lately. I’m not sure why, but I’m definitely lacking my energy. Netflix ad nauseam isn’t helping either. I feel like I’m just marking time.

Until what? Who the heck knows?

Anyway I just wanted to say good morning to all of you and wish you a week filled with lovely surprises. I saw a shooting star last night and wished on it. May all our wishes be fulfilled.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

He Left

Posted on September 25, 2021 by janieleeds

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she brought up the fact that she thinks my saying, it’s been seven years since he left puts me in the victim mode. I felt like I had to defend my answer. Like she just didn’t understand. And how could she? She’s still married. And yes, I am someone who marks time by events. Saying he left is what really happened. And while I am truly grateful that he did go and I am happier than I was when I was married to him in so many different ways, I don’t view it as victim mode. It’s just fact. We went on to discuss it.

Her: Don’t you think it’s bad that you say he left? Why can’t you say that the marriage broke up?

Me: I don’t know. I never thought of it. I guess because I would have never left him.

Her: But were you really happy with him by then?

Me: Probably not. He was super unhappy and it made for a lot of walking on eggshells, so I was uncomfortable in the home as well. But I was still trying to make it work for the kids’ sake.

Her: And now?

Me: I’ve seen how his leaving and the subsequent divorce opened my life up in different ways that I really like. But in my mind, it matters that he left, but that I filed for divorce. So I guess it shows.

Her: It shows. Change your wording. You’re giving him power by saying ‘he left’ so perhaps ‘we separated’ is a better choice.

Hmmm…what do you think? Do you mark time with events too? When you tell your story of a breakup/divorce, what do you say?

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , | 29 Comments

September 11

Posted on September 11, 2021 by janieleeds

The blue sky and occasional clouds outside my window remind me of the skies twenty years ago when tragedy struck. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years and how much life has changed for all of us since then. I look back on my life and my kids’ from that time and how things have changed so much since that fateful day. Then to think that it’s only been two decades and how much life changes over a lifetime and I’m still in wonder.

I am a little bit shell-shocked even twenty years later though I’ll admit. While I didn’t say anything to the kids, I was grateful that they were safe in my home and none of us had anywhere to go today. Well, I was supposed to go to a bridal shower, but once I saw the date it was planned for, I told them I wasn’t able to attend and sent a gift instead. I guess I’m sounding like a scaredy cat, but with so much going on, I’d rather be safe than sorry.

I knew people who passed on 9/11 and I watched how their families had a tough time picking up the pieces of their lives. On social media there were tons of tributes, 911 calls from those whose lives were lost (just before they passed) and so many photos from that day. It just makes me so sad even though I have little direct grief from it, it still can affect me. In years prior, I just said my prayers and went on with my day, but today felt different being the 20th anniversary. How in the world has 20 years passed in the blink of an eye?

And now with this virus, I have to wonder what the heck we will think when we look back in 20 years time (if we’re still here) about this era in our lives. Because this pandemic has wreaked havoc in a different way than 9/11. It’s separated us instead of uniting us. It’s encouraged us to split in so many different ways: politically, racially, vax vs unvax, masked vs unmasked, conspiratorially, and financially. People are suffering from the anxiety, the frustrations, the demands, the fear and they’re hurting. But we’re not banding together as a nation this time with this virus. We’re allowing ourselves to be pulled apart instead.

I felt like 9/11 dropped everyone’s differences and united us as a nation. People helped others, even strangers and volunteered when needed. Donations of time, help and energy were a priority as we were all hurting for those who lost their lives and those workers who tirelessly fought to find people as well as the families who were grieving. As a nation, we joined together.

I don’t have a crystal ball and even if I did, I’m not sure I’d want to know what’s coming in our future. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but there’s a ton of uncertainty out there and many are overwhelmed by it. I just keep trying to stay safe and healthy and keep the kids the same.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be fine tomorrow. But in the meantime, I think just being in my home and resting is best for me. I hope you’re having a restful day too. Stay healthy and safe!

Posted in finding happiness at 50, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , | 14 Comments