A Chance Meeting

Posted on December 7, 2021 by janieleeds

I went shopping with my SIL (married to my brother) yesterday. We were in this cute town that had a ton of shoppes that were filled with antiquities, clothing and, like small boutiques, each was filled with different items. Imagine my shock when we entered one and I spied a few pieces of pottery with the ex’s name of them as the artist. Exact spelling. My head swum as I tried to make sense of it.

I asked the saleswoman if this were a local artist, but she said he was out of a nearby state. I was still stunned because of how weird it was to see his name on a work of art. That man wasn’t artistic at all, so I would have been shocked if he had been the artist, but still. I haven’t seen his name in a long time. And yes, when I got home I googled his name and there is a man with his exact name who is known for his pottery. Interesting, huh?

Then…as we do, we entered the last store and said hello but kept looking around. Suddenly a girl said my name and I turned to see my ex-husband’s niece in front of me. She worked there. We hugged and I got teary. It had been over four years since I had seen her and more since we had been together at family functions. She was excited to see me as well and as we talked (and hugged a few times) it was bittersweet because I had missed her growing up these last few years. But still, she was happy to see me as I was her.

It’s strange how life evolves. When I was married, we had a lot of family functions and I loved spending time with them. It just felt good though to reconnect even for a few minutes in a store. And I’m just relieved that I saw her and not the ex! LOL

Anyway, it was an interesting weekend. How was yours?

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‘Twas A Long Weekend Indeed

Posted on December 1, 2021 by janieleeds

Ok, so my last post about the cranky kid and detoxifying the kids after spending many hours with their dad and his family evolved into a bunch of different conversations with each of the kids over the past few days. Frankly, it’s been a bit exhausting, but good overall. A bit enlightening too which is always good.

  1. When cranky pants returned home, he acted as if nothing had happened between us. When I asked how the tree decorating went, it turns out they didn’t do it as they were given other jobs to help their grandparents and ran out of time to decorate the tree. He suggested we decorate ours on Thursday to which I agreed. I looked at my other son who winked at me. Hmmm…someone else called him on what happened. Additionally, I waited patiently until the right time later that evening and then I told him how I felt. He said that he had little recollection of how it went down because his blood sugar was low. However, he knew because he put his head on my shoulder while he was sitting next to me on the couch as if to say he was sorry and then apologized.
  2. Each of the kids came to me separately to point out that the other kid was acting like a narcissist and sounding like their dad. While I’ve not said their dad is a narcissist to them, they’re old enough to have found the term and they’ve talked about it between them. But it was funny that each came to me to tell me that his brother was ‘acting like dad’ and didn’t see it. So I took the opportunity to tell the other one how sometimes he does too in a gentle way. And when the eyes opened wide and reality set in, whoa…it was not what they had planned on hearing.
  3. Interestingly enough, each was contemplative and not angry that I mentioned a few instances where I saw/felt/experienced narcissistic behavior from them, not unlike how their father treated me and it was as if something clicked within them. I followed up with ‘yes, be like your dad in some ways, but not this one please’ because it’s not who you are. We made a lot of progress this weekend on that front which was good.
  4. The older one had car trouble too which ended with his dad passing the buck (as usual), but since this kid’s car isn’t in my name, I stood my ground to say no. Not that the ex talks to me at all, but ‘Dad said you can have the car towed’ was what was told to me. To which I replied, ‘No thanks. Not my car. I will help you to call to get yourself help, but this is on you and your dad.’ I helped the kid get his car towed and walked him through what he had to do with the dealership etc. but I refused to pay it. After his dad ignored him all day, the grandparents were kind enough to help financially for which I’m grateful. But the icing on the cake was that the ex-MIL (aka Marie Barone) made a huge deal of helping the kid because he doesn’t have a job yet and because ‘his dad is having financial trouble too’ which of course, set off warning bells in my head. I can’t go there right now though. I just have to be patient. But it was noticed, yet again, how their dad often lies and doesn’t help at all.

So it continues at Chez Leeds where I parent as things come up and I work hard to keep the three of us as a family unit, allowing each one their say, all while holding steady to what is important. Thanks for listening, being supportive and for all of your hugs. Sending hugs to all of you!

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Struggles After The Holidays

Posted on November 27, 2021 by janieleeds

I’ve talked about how I used to have to deprogram my kids after they spent extensive time with their dad and their dad’s family. It would take a few days to detoxify them and stand up to the one who seems to return from visits with a narcissistic snipe to him. This one in particular picks up on the ex’s narcissism so easily, speaking to me like his dad used to do. Which is something that I don’t tolerate well.

So Wednesday night, they ate dinner with their dad’s family since I had the kids on Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving they spent the day together as well. I have no problem with it because it includes their whole family so my kids get to see their cousins on that side of the family.

This morning the kids come downstairs dressed to leave. I ask where they are going and the older one informs me that they’re going to their grandparents with the whole family to decorate the tree. Again this was a tradition which I have no problem with since they’ve been doing this since they were little. However, it always bugged me since once the kids decorate their grandparents’ tree, they don’t want to decorate ours.

I ask when they want to decorate our tree to which he replies that one tree is enough and he isn’t doing ours. I ask then why he’s going to the grandparents’ house and he tells me that she is making food for them. (You know I make all meals here, right?) I reply that I didn’t know that they were going and that I hope when they return we could decorate ours. He tells me that he’s not doing our tree. I remind him that it’s our family tree in our home. As I lean in to kiss him goodby, he tells me he doesn’t like the way I’m speaking to him with an attitude and a bit of a snear. So I turn away and kiss his brother and say goodbye.

I’m writing because I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m aggravated with the dismissal. I know this is his picking up his dad’s family energy after spending so much time with them this week. Part of me wants to give him the silent treatment when he returns. Part of me wants to talk to him in a stern voice. Part of me wants to talk with him and explain how that behavior and attitude isn’t welcome here. Part of me wants to tell him to leave….

The joy of being an ex-wife of a narcissist…and working on being co-dependent no more.

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How To Get Through Thanksgiving

Posted on November 23, 2021 by janieleeds

Well, we’re starting the holiday frenzies and while I”m not triggered because this year will be easy (I hope) at my brother’s house, I have friends who are in a tizzy just anticipating the havoc that can occur during the holidays when everyone gets together. Because tempers are running high. People are really messy lately. Have you noticed?

Here were some topics they were dreading:

If it’s not a political rant, it’s about the vaccine. Or stories about a friend of a friend’s great Uncle Leo who had X (death, ventilator, catastrophe) because of having the vaccine or not, someone coughing on him and not following the rules, or his lack of belief in mask wearing…or…or…or…(You get the gist, don’t you?)

Then there’s food prices. Conspiracy theories. The Great Resignation. School children’s lives interrupted with mask wearing. What a freezing snowy winter they’re predicting. The Virus and its newest update. Gossip about whatever’s trending. China. Travel mandates. Political figures. Food shortages. Toilet paper (need I remind you?). Boosters. Gas prices. Why aren’t you dating? Bragging over X (fill in the blank). Losing friendships over silly quarrels. Indignations at X (you fill in the blank). Delayed mail delivery. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I’m sure you could add to the list. I suggested that maybe we could make a drinking game out of it. Like every time someone mentions any of the above, we drink?! Just a warning, make sure you have an Uber ready because you’re not going to be ready to drive after that! Heck, you might even pass out on the couch or right there at the table! Wouldn’t that be great fodder for the December gathering!?

This was a tongue in cheek post by the way. I know some families enjoy trending topics at the table. But it seems there’s always that one that pontificates and won’t back down if confronted which usually leads to a family struggle. It’s the commonality in many the holiday comedies. How uncomfortable can you make everyone at the party and how quickly can you estrange yourself?

My plan is to sip wine and smile. Let the whole world twist and turn around me while I sit in my happy place. Instead of anger, I’ll chuckle. Instead of taking offense, I’ll smile.

How about you? What’s your plan?

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, finding happiness at 50, inspiration | Tagged , , | 27 Comments

Feeling Whimsical

Posted on November 16, 2021 by janieleeds

I am not sad. I am not mad. I am only a wee bit disappointed. But you see that’s only part of it because I can look at the other side and know I’m free. Lately there seems to be lots of couples photos on social media and usually I just smile and scroll. However, today seemed different. I stopped and felt that tug of “I would like that” and “Wouldn’t that be nice to feel…”

So I’m calling it feeling whimsical.

Whimsical by definition: playfully quaint or fanciful, especially in an appealing and amusing way

Do you see how it fits for me?

I’m a big believer in putting it out there to the Universe when I want something, even when I feel it might be out of my comfort zone. So I’m declaring that I’d like to find someone who piques my interest and vice versa. Now I’m thinking of that song, Santa Baby…

Did you start singing it too? LOL

Did you know there are a few different versions of the song?

Eartha Kitts did the original which you can see here: https://youtu.be/ppYGHqxwCuk

There’s a guy’s version sung by Michael Buble https://youtu.be/JnOLam2AwXY

I know it may seem a bit early, but I may start singing to Santa before long. How about you? Have you started writing up your Christmas List too?

Posted in dating after 50, finding happiness at 50, music | Tagged , | 21 Comments

Holidate

Posted on November 13, 2021 by janieleeds

I started watching a movie called Holidate last night. I haven’t finished it because I got a phone call from a friend and then didn’t go back to it after we talked. But I’m planning on it today. The reason I’m bringing it up is because the holidays are coming and well, I like the idea of a holidate.

Holidate: someone to have fun with on the holidays with no strings attached. You deal with my family and I’ll deal with yours. No friends with benefits to begin and just the fun of having a companion at parties. Sign me up! Of course, if we hit it off, I’d be interested in maybe more…

But does this happen in real life or is it just another one of those wishful thinking movies? LOL While the wishful thinking movies are a feel good while watching them, they’re a complete let down after the nostalgia and imaginative what if’s wear off.

I don’t have any holiday work parties to attend so I don’t need a holidate. But I think it would be fun to be someone else’s. I used to attend a ton of parties back when I was married for his work. While he may not have liked them, I always did.

Too bad we still have this darn virus and restrictions swirling. I’d love to go be someone’s plus one just to get back out there socializing. I guess I just have to wait a bit more…

I think I’m feeling a little impatient…LOL

Have you ever been someone’s plus one? I went to a wedding with an old boyfriend as his plus one because we knew the bride and groom really well. He ended up going home with one of the bridesmaids and I called my then boyfriend to come pick me up. It was pretty funny because he asked my boyfriend if I could be his plus one and promised that nothing would happen. And it didn’t. But it was a great laugh when people saw us together and then saw my boyfriend pick me up while my date was going home with someone else

Ahhh youth. I’ll probably be that old woman who tells the tales of her youth and laughs because those were the days..

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Draft To Publish

Posted on November 6, 2021 by janieleeds

How in the world did we get to November? I don’t know where the time has gone and I know I’ve been pretty absent from blogging. I just haven’t felt like writing and when I did, it stayed in my drafts. That happens a lot to me. Does it happen to you?

What stays in drafts are all the times I felt like writing because you’re all so kind to me and I needed a friend so I wrote about what was going on. Then once I’d purged how I felt, processed it, I felt like I didn’t want to put that event out there to clutter up your Reader. So I just never pressed publish and there those posts sit. And there’s a lot of them…

Do you have drafts that you wrote, but now don’t want to publish? What do you do with them? Do you delete them or just keep them in drafts in case something else comes along that piggybacks on the subject? Because that’s what I do…

P.S. Happy Saturday!!

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Why Do I Feel Like A Failure When It’s A Success?

Posted on November 2, 2021 by janieleeds

This is obviously a lesson that’s been on repeat for awhile because I haven’t quite mastered it and yet, I keep thinking I have. But for whatever reason, that sneaky critical voice pops in just as the wave of relief subsides and I’m back to square one. And I’ve started to notice a pattern so 1) good that I’m aware and 2) now I need to shut up that critical voice unless it’s saying something constructive.

When we divorced, I moved into a rental with the kids. We called it the transition house because I didn’t plan on being here longer than necessary (kid had to stay in district for duration of high school). But he’s been out now for 2 years and we’re still here. Recently the landlords let me know that we’d be revisiting the subject of them wanting to flip the house and sell it in December. I’ve been searching for rentals and even thought of purchasing a small home for the last 8 months, but only found 2 places, but they didn’t pan out. So understandably, I’ve been quietly nervous and I did tell the kids what was going on so that they were aware because I started packing up some of the stuff that we didn’t use on a daily basis.

So when I recently got the opportunity to talk with one of the landlords (the nice one), I asked him point blank about their plans for the house. Kindly, he let me know that they’d never throw me out and that if I wanted to stay another year or two that I was welcome to it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was as if the mantle of worry was removed. I thanked him and said that I’d like to stay another year. Whew.

Now you may wonder why I was worried because obviously I have a lease. Well, yes, I do, but the lawyer who wrote the lease passed away from Covid and we haven’t renewed the lease. I just pay on time every month and I’m a good tenant. So I’m thinking legally I’m on a month to month basis. The nice landlord is laid back and kind. We have kids who are the same age. But the money one, the not nice one, is my worry.

And I hate being worried. I hate that I feel I am at their mercy even though I believe the nice landlord. I miss the security of owning my own home. But I don’t even know where I’d want to move to anymore.

So why do I feel like a failure???

Because I didn’t find a new place to live and I’m still here in this rental. I like the area and my neighbors, the house is decently sized and I feel safe here, but there are other issues like summers are really hot here even with AC units and the insulation isn’t great in the wintertime. Also, I feel like that inner critic is hounding me still – get on with your life, move out of the transition house and find your own place so you never have to worry about being a renter. And then again, I don’t know if I want to own another house or if I can financially. What a double-edged sword…and that’s not even talking about the prices of the homes which have skyrocketed or the fact that there aren’t any decent rentals around either.

Ok, enough from me. I hope you’re all ok! 🙂

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , | 18 Comments

My Rom-Com Moment

Posted on October 19, 2021 by janieleeds

A few years ago, I returned to Spain where I had lived while in college. Back then, I met a boy with whom I fell in love. We dated for a year while I was there. Briefly, I considered returning there after college graduation, but I didn’t and so the romance was over.

A few years before the divorce, he found me again. I told the ex (we were still married) that this guy had reached out via social media (because that’s the type of girl I am). I didn’t keep secrets. The ex didn’t care because obviously the guy’s in Spain and not a threat to him. So, occasionally we would chat via social media.

When the ex left, I called him in Spain and told him what had happened. You must understand that back in the day, I thought we were going to marry. I thought I’d move to Spain to be with him, but I got cold feet. I didn’t want to be so far away from my family. He said he understood and later told me that he wasn’t the marrying kind.

But I went back to visit Spain a few years ago after the divorce. I told him when I was arriving and we made a date to go out. I saw him in the plaza outside of my hotel. I knew it was him even though I hadn’t seen him in almost 30 years. I knew his walk and mannerisms. So I stayed seated on the bench while he was on the phone walking in circles. When he finished the call, he looked around the plaza and when we locked eyes, I got up and started to walk towards him. He opened his arms wide and kept walking until I got up to him and then he held me in an embrace for at least five minutes. We kissed each other’s cheek, he reached for my hand and we began walking to a nearby restaurant, talking as if we’d not been apart for years. It was HUGELY romantic.

I spent the week seeing him while I was there. It was delightful, magical and wonderful. But I had a life here and he there and while I think now, I could have lived in his world, he could not have lived in mine.

Fast foward to since I last saw him and he still calls once or twice a month. We talk. He tells me how much he still loves me and I feel similarly. But things aren’t changing. There’s a love there that remains, an understanding and a connection. But our lives are so different that it remains a long, lost love. And I’m at peace with it. My kids are here and I don’t see me moving to Spain even after they move out.

In a poignant moment while we talking on the phone, I asked if I had returned to Spain so many decades ago, if he thought perhaps we would have married. He told me that there were no regrets because he’s not the marrying kind. He’s still unmarried. He went on to remind me that what we have is special and precious. And I agree. I love my kids and I wouldn’t have had them otherwise.

That week with him after 30 years apart was like a Hallmark movie except this girl got back on the plane to return home without him. But it’s ok. It was worth the memories we made.

Posted in dating after 50, divorce, love | Tagged , , , , | 13 Comments