Gone Too Early

Posted on January 6, 2022 by janieleeds

A classmate from high school passed away and through social media, we all learned of her passing. It was sudden, yet nobody seems to know the reason she died. And while I understand it’s none of anybody’s business, I still wonder how/why and the circumstances. Because she was well-known as a girl (sorry even though we’re in our 50’s she’s that girl from high school to me) who had a great sense of humor, an infectious laugh and a huge heart. She’s left behind a son in his 20’s whom she loved very much, which is so sad.

While I love to read the multiple posts on social media of people’s memories about her and how wonderful she was (and I mean no disrespect by any of this), it bothered me. You know why? Because I wonder how many of those people told her how they felt before it was too late. You know what I mean? Because you can put up all these wonderful things about her, but she’s not here to read them or know them. And sure, perhaps from the other side she can smile about being remembered in such loving ways, but wouldn’t it have been better to be saying those things while she was still alive?

Perhaps I’m being too sensitive about the subject, but I’m feeling pretty strongly that what’s lacking in our current situation is that we forget to tell people how much we love them, how much we appreciate them and call out the amazing attributes that they have in our eyes while they’re still here to feel the warmth and connections we have with them. I don’t want anyone to wax poetic about me (if that would even happen) after I’m dead and gone all over social media, when it might have been more powerful if they had taken the time while I was alive to say those things to me directly.

I don’t feel as if she were the type to take her life, but things are all so uncertain these days and many people are suffering in isolating silence, that I don’t know. Her last few posts were happy and she didn’t look sick, but it was a sudden death so maybe it was a medical issue she didn’t know about that took her life too early.

However, I guess my point is that it’s past time to make sure that all are accounted for, that you reach out to people to make sure they’re ok and if you’re feeling not so ok these days, I hope you find someone to talk to and to connect with so that you can feel better.

My virtual door is always open here at Chez Leeds. Reach out if you need a friend. I don’t want anyone to go unnoticed. And if you’re unsure, take that step and reach out anyway. We can all help each other through these trying times.

May K. Rest In Peace.

Posted in inspiration, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Ideas To Help New Year Blues

Posted on January 5, 2022 by janieleeds

The past few years have been tough, so it’s no wonder that some of us are having a soggy moment lately. The worry and fear mongers with the virus etc. hasn’t been easy to handle for anyone. Now that the counts are back up and it seems this next wave is more contagious, well, it’s got me worried too. We had to bail on our Christmas and New Year’s Eve plans with my brother and his family because they ended up getting sick. And I haven’t really been out anywhere since before Christmas only because I don’t want to chance it.

So what do you do about it – when the 1/2 full glass feels emptier than normal? Not that I’ve completely turned the corner (filled up my glass again), but I’m on my way and thought I’d share what I’ve been doing.

  1. SLEEP – I’ve been going to be earlier than usual. This actually seems to be helping.
  2. WATER – I’m not a huge water drinker so I’ve been trying to stay more hydrated.
  3. NOT BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF OR OTHERS – I’ve been trying to let go and let everyone just live their own lives and let myself relax more than usual.
  4. WRITING – I’ve been journaling more, allowing myself to just let the pen write on its own about whatever I’m thinking, feeling and getting it out onto the page and then reading it without judgment. It’s been an interesting endeavor and has opened my eyes a bit.
  5. EAT BETTER – Normal New Year’s resolution, except I don’t make them. But I am trying to be more cognizant of what I’m eating. That being said, chocolate and an occasional glass of wine are still allowed.
  6. KICK THE HARSH THOUGHTS – I realized that there’s nobody to tell me what to do anymore since my parents died. So why do I continue the critical voice in my head? I’ve been trying to be kinder to me (and to the kids) and go with the flow more often. Right now, does it matter if I made my bed or not? Nope. Nobody’s here to witness it so when I don’t feel like making it, I don’t. And it’s become a delicious pleasurable naughty secret (that I’ve now told you!) LOL
  7. EPSOM BATHS – I’m not inclined to take baths. I’m more of a shower girl. But these are helping to detoxify and actually are quite nice to do, so I highly recommend. The one I have has lavender in it and it smells so great that I often have no trouble falling asleep early because I’m all snuggly after the bath.
  8. WALKS – I’ve been moving more lately. Making sure I try to walk every hour around the house if the weather’s inclement or if not, at least around the block when it’s nice out.
  9. NOTICING NATURE – I’ve been sitting outside on my front porch, yes even in the cold, just looking at nature and the world around me in silence. It’s been really healing, believe it or not.
  10. TALKING WITH FRIENDS – Since I haven’t really seen anyone lately, I’ve been reaching out via text/phone to friends to check up on them and to make sure everyone is doing ok. It’s been really healing in that sometimes someone just needs a kind listener and what we give out, we get back, so it’s been awesome. Reconnecting with them has helped us all immensely.

Anyway, those are a few of the things I’ve been doing and it’s been helping. Share what you’ve been doing if you want so that we can all try different ways to feel better!

Hugs to all…

Posted in finding happiness at 50, inspiration | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

A Restful Sunday

Posted on January 2, 2022 by janieleeds

Well, I spent yesterday taking down Christmas. It’s the first year that I didn’t wait until January 6th to do it, but I felt quite done with it all. Now that it’s cleaned up, I feel a bit more back to normal (whatever that means – lol)! I did keep up some ‘winter’ decorations because I like to keep some color around the house.

It’s been raining for a few days and warmer than normal here, but I saw that we are supposed to have snow tomorrow for which I’m very excited! I love snow and joke that I’m part polar bear because the cold doesn’t bother me. Humidity bothers me, but not the cold, so I guess that’s good.

The kids are supposed to go to the ex-laws house today to help them take down their Christmas decorations and move some big boxes. I’m ok with it because they’re older and need the help although I wonder why the ex-husband who lives there doesn’t do it. I mean, really? You live in your parents’ house for free and yet you can’t help them? It’s none of my business, but still…I guess it’s just another part of the narcissism. He never helped when we were married either because it was beneath him.

Oh, how I’m delighted I’m not longer married to him! That’s a huge statement by the way because it’s taken me years of healing to get to that place in my heart. I’ve been branching out and not caring what is said about me by them anymore. Not that it should have mattered, but it did. A lot. And it hurt. But I’ve been on this journey, slogging through letting go and releasing the bits that still clung to me, still hooked me into the story of my old life. Those held me back from moving on and making a new life.

But here I am 2022. Stable, determined and happy with myself. I’ve started walking more (especially because it’s been warmer weather) so I hope that will help the covid 15 lbs drop off. I want to feel more alive and open to what life has in store for me.

I know I wrote a little sadly about the 2022 in the last post. I don’t feel that way today and so, I’m going to take the opportunity to flourish, to blossom and to see what happens. For some reason, there’s a spring in my thinking, in my steps (lol) and I’m going to grab onto it with both hands and see what happens!

Wish me luck….I’m sending you wishes for a great 2022 too! What are you doing today before we begin the week again tomorrow?

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

2022 Who Knew?

Posted on January 1, 2022 by janieleeds

Happy New Year my friends. I hope you had a good night last night. What did you do? Did you go to a party or just stay home and relax? The kids and I got take out, but we didn’t end up eating until 9pm because the restaurant was super delayed with our order. They were so backed up it was ridiculous. The poor kid at the front desk was sounding calm, but you could tell he’d been battered more than once verbally by others who were frustrated with take away dinners being delayed. So I made sure that I thanked him, appreciated him and told him that I remember how restaurant workers feel on the holidays because I had been there, done that, for 15 years. He smiled wearily, and thanked me for understanding.

This morning I awoke and for some reason, maybe it’s old age, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s 2022. When I say it, it’s disconcerting to me. It feels odd, like I have something unfamiliar in my mouth and I don’t know whether to spit it out or roll it around and chew it. Like one of those Gobstoppers. Do you remember that candy? It’s like that…too big so you roll it around in your mouth trying to find a comfy place so you can chew it. Unless you just bite it, but that’s not easy. So I chose to suck on it and try to chew. And this was what happened in my brain.

2022? Wasn’t it just the 80’s/90’s not so long ago? I remember Y2K, but how did we get to 2022? Like how did all that time pass? Where did it go? How did I end up here? What am I doing with my life? What do I have to show for it? What could I possibly do differently right now? We’re dealing with this mess and the virus is spreading like wildfire. Would I really want to be out and about more while knowing that I could get sick? Nah, stay home. Wish for that change in your life, but stay safe. Be boring. Write. Clean up the house. Make a New Year’s resolution this year. Do something different, but safe. Discipline the kids more or let go more or just make your own life and let it all fall apart around you.

My brain has been afire all day with thoughts that I can’t control. That’s not me usually, but I guess it’s the weather? The planets? The realization that it’s 2022? I didn’t feel this way when it was 2020 or 2021. Those I accepted fine. But 2022??? I don’t know what it is about it.

How do you feel when you say it’s January 1, 2022?? Does it feel surreal to you too?

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Good Parenting Read

Posted on December 30, 2021 by janieleeds

I found this on social media and had to share it with you because it made so much sense to me that I felt it might help other parents. I hope you enjoy it.

“My Mom did not sleep. She felt exhausted. She was irritable, grumpy, and bitter. She was always sick until one day, suddenly, she changed.

One day my dad said to her:

– I’ve been looking for a job for three months and I haven’t found anything, I’m going to have a few beers with friends.

My mom replied:

– It’s okay.

My brother said to her:

– Mom, I’m doing poorly in all subjects at the University.

My Mom replied:

– Okay, you will recover, and if you don’t, well, you repeat the semester, but you pay the tuition.

My sister said to her:

– Mom, I smashed the car.

My Mom replied:

– Okay daughter, take it to the car shop and find how to pay and while they fix it, get around by bus or subway.

Her daughter-in-law said to her:

– Mother-in-law, I came to spend a few months with you.

My Mom replied:

– Okay, settle in the living room couch and look for some blankets in the closet.

All of us gathered worried to see these reactions coming from Mom.

We suspected that she had gone to the doctor and that she was prescribed some pills called “I don’t give a damn”… Perhaps she was overdosing on these!

We then proposed to do an “intervention” with my Mom to remove her from any possible addiction she had towards some anti-tantrum medication.

But then … she gathered us around her and my Mom explained:

“It took me a long time to realize that each person is responsible for their life. It took me years to discover that my anguish, anxiety, my depression, my courage, my insomnia and my stress, do not solve your problems, but aggravate mine.

I am not responsible for the actions of anyone and it’s not my job to provide happiness, but I am responsible for the reactions I express to that.

Therefore, I came to the conclusion that my duty to myself is to remain calm and let each one of you solve what corresponds to you.

I have taken courses in yoga, meditation, miracles, human development, mental hygiene, vibration and neurolinguistic programming and with all of them, I found a common denominator in them all…

I can only control myself. You have all the necessary resources to solve your own problems despite how hard they may be. My job is to pray for you, love on you, and encourage you, but it’s up to YOU to solve them and to find your happiness.

I can only give you my advice if you ask me and it depends on you to follow it or not. There are consequences, good or bad, to your decisions and YOU have to live them.

So from now on, I cease to be the receptacle of your responsibilities, the sack of your guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the wall of your lamentations, the depositary of your duties, who should solve your problems or spare a tire every time to fulfill your responsibilities.

From now on, I declare all independent and self-sufficient adults.

Everyone at my Mom’s house was speechless.

From that day on, the family began to function better because everyone in the house knew exactly what it is that they needed to do.

.

For some of us this is hard because we’ve grown up being the caregivers and feeling responsible for others. As moms & wives we are fixers off all things. We never want our loved ones to go through difficult things or to struggle. We want everyone to be happy.

But, the sooner we take that responsibility off of our shoulders and place it back on to each loved one, the better we are preparing them to be MEsponsible.

We are not here on earth to be everything to everyone. Stop putting that pressure on yourself.”

Much Love,

Janie

(shared from a post)

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

Posted on December 29, 2021 by janieleeds

I had a blue Christmas. I hope yours was better. I understand that kids have a tough time navigating holidays with divorced parents. What amazes me is that their narcissist father still pulls the strings even though they resent him for doing it. He told them to get presents for his family (8 people) on the day before Christmas Eve and even though they complained, they did it. They did tell him they didn’t have money for it and he told them he’d reimburse them it they put it on their cards which they did. But who knows if that will happen anyway. It’s not my problem.

But, I watched how they jumped through hoops to do as he demanded and yet, balk when I ask/suggest. And don’t get me started on the fact that again, this Christmas, there was nothing under the tree for me either, even though I offered to give them money to get me something. They couldn’t be bothered because they were too busy rushing around for their narcissist dad and his family.

It hurt. It still hurts and I told them yesterday how I felt. I didn’t need a grand gesture, but yes, I wanted a card, even if it were handwritten on a piece of computer paper, to say, ‘hey Mom, we thought of you on Christmas.’ But nope. Nothing. And I can’t help feeling hurt, angry, mad, resentful and a whole host of other emotions that are depressing.

I told each of them separately because I have been feeling very tired and not been myself. So when they asked what was going on, I told them in a nice way how I was feeling hurt. I mentioned how I was glad they went out to get presents for their dad’s family’s, but how I felt unappreciated when I made their Christmas nice and they couldn’t be bothered to think of me. It went nicer than that when I told them, but their reactions were polar opposites.

The younger one was really sorry and asked to spend tomorrow with me doing whatever I wanted. He understood and felt my sadness. But the older one who is much like his dad? He reared up in anger and told me they couldn’t have gotten me a present because I don’t have a ‘hobby’ so he didn’t know what to get me. I explained how I didn’t need a grand gesture, but a simple card to open would have been appreciated. Something, for God’s sakes, to say I see you Mom. I acknowledge your presence and you’re thought of on Christmas.

I think it hurts more deeply because they jumped to their dad’s demands and at 23 and 21, they know it’s Christmas and people give gifts and they bought 8 people gifts but not the Mom who does everything for them. I don’t want to have it change me, but it opened my eyes wide to what I will put up with in my own home and what I won’t. And I won’t be putting up with this because it feels disrespectful, obnoxious and downright hurtful.

Am I wrong?

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The Blues At Christmas

Posted on December 22, 2021 by janieleeds

It’s been quiet here at chez Leeds. One is finishing his exams for the semester and the other one is still job hunting. I’m trying to get ready for Christmas but for some reason, I’m not really into it anymore. Don’t mistake me because I love decorating and I started the day after Thanksgiving. But lately, I’ve been overtired. I don’t think it’s a health reason, but instead perhaps a planetary one? Or a just I’m worn out. Either way, I know I’ve been quiet from the blog because there’s not much to say.

Well, there’s a lot of drama going on with the ex and from the grapevine I heard that he’s unhappy in his job which casts a foreboding because of how our finances are tied together. And sure, I can tell myself to not trouble trouble, but it’s still in the back of my mind.

I have a few gifts for the kids and friends and family, but there’s not a lot. I don’t need anything really. Just some peace of mind would be good. Luckily I’m not hosting so all I need to do is make some apps/dessert for my brother’s house on Christmas Day. Otherwise, it’s just me.

Yup, just me Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day. Kids are going to be with their dad and his family on Christmas Eve and then they come home to me which is good. Christmas morning after we open our gifts, they leave again for the ex’s family breakfast. I fought it for 7 years because Christmas Eve is supposed to be his and Christmas Day mine, but that horrid ex-MIL wouldn’t give the kids their presents if they didn’t show for breakfast on Christmas Day so I was left alone. I used to be terribly upset and hurt by it. It used to feel devastating to me, but now I find that I use that alone time to talk with other divorced friends and it makes it easier for us all. But it still stinks.

I was thinking of changing it up and trying to go to mass on Christmas Eve because I love all the hymns at Christmas, but with the Covid numbers surging, it’s probably not the best idea. So I’m thinking a little Hallmark or It’s A Wonderful Life and a quiet dinner will be good. I may even get take out because who wants to cook when they don’t have to? LOL

Anyway, I hope all is well with you…Merry Christmas a few days early.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 20 Comments

Rest In Peace

Posted on December 12, 2021 by janieleeds

My friend called me this morning. Usually we talk every afternoon, but when the phone rang before 10am, I wondered why. She let me know that when she woke up this morning, she found that her husband had passed during the wee hours of the morning. Tears immediately sprang to my eyes as her grief and mine entwined.

Interestingly, we have known each other for over 40 years as she was my teacher when I was in grade school. When I began teaching in that same school years later, we reconnected on an adult basis and became very close over the years to the point that in the last ten years, we have talked everyday (or almost everyday). Ours is a friendship that defies time, age and situation. We are very close and there for each other always. Whatever the other person needed, that was who we were, whether it be a sister, a friend, a mom, we took that role whenever needed. When the ex left, she listened for years, holding my hand and heart and helping me to heal. She walked with me every step of the way. When her husband got sick, I did the same for her, everyday, allowing her to talk through the health difficulties they were encountering, venting when she was frustrated with the situation, consoling her when things got difficult and reminding her that she was never alone as they worked together in hopes to heal him.

He went peacefully, his heart stopping with no signs of a struggle. Interestingly, she had awakened in the middle of the night and they had talked for a bit. But she saw no signs that he wouldn’t be here this morning when she awoke. In a way, it is a blessing to pass in your sleep, the heart just stopping its ticking and allowing the soul to be released.

He fought bravely through many different chronic life-threatening illnesses and it was most definitely his will and hers which gave him as much time as he had here on Earth. There is zero doubt in my mind that her Herculean efforts kept him alive for as long as he was. And he often attributed his being here to her dedication to him which was completely true.

Theirs was a long-lasting love which often inspired me. It wasn’t always easy, but their commitment, through thick and thin, until death do us part was an honor to behold. While she is my friend, he and I had a special friendship as well. He was fun to be around and we often joked and laughed. When I needed some Dad advice, he was always willing to step in, especially when it had to do with home handyman questions. The three of us edited a few of his now published books together and spent hours laughing and joking. I visited them years ago and spent a lovely week with them. Such a loving easy couple to be around and I never felt like a third wheel.

He was a strong man, a man’s man if you will. Strong, tall and handsome, he had a rakishness about him which reminded me of Clark Gable in Gone With The Wind. Sensitive and kind, it was always known how much he loved his wife (my friend). A good father to his children, but one that didn’t allow difficulties to stand in his way. He was determined and strong-willed. He was well liked by all the guys and loved to joke around. He had an amazing sense of humor and loved to push the envelope by saying outrageous things that were meant to be funny. He was confident and knew who he was without question. But not braggadocious. He was easy to talk with and had many friends. Once he became housebound, they came to visit him and he welcomed each one with a smile even when he wasn’t feeling well.

He was a good man, down to Earth good, salt of the Earth, but not perfect, as none of us are. When he loved you, though, he loved you. That’s how I felt as their friend. And I know that the absolute love of his life, his wife, was his number one love for decades. Their bond was strong and secure and they fit like a perfect puzzle with each one’s strength connecting with a weakness so that they both could rise to a higher level.

While his family and friends (and me) will grieve the loss of him on this planet, I know that his legacy will continue on through our memories. And as my friend begins this next chapter of her life, I will be there for her as we have been through the ups and downs over these past years. To know that we are never alone is a bond of friendship that we all deserve and cherish.

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A Chance Meeting

Posted on December 7, 2021 by janieleeds

I went shopping with my SIL (married to my brother) yesterday. We were in this cute town that had a ton of shoppes that were filled with antiquities, clothing and, like small boutiques, each was filled with different items. Imagine my shock when we entered one and I spied a few pieces of pottery with the ex’s name of them as the artist. Exact spelling. My head swum as I tried to make sense of it.

I asked the saleswoman if this were a local artist, but she said he was out of a nearby state. I was still stunned because of how weird it was to see his name on a work of art. That man wasn’t artistic at all, so I would have been shocked if he had been the artist, but still. I haven’t seen his name in a long time. And yes, when I got home I googled his name and there is a man with his exact name who is known for his pottery. Interesting, huh?

Then…as we do, we entered the last store and said hello but kept looking around. Suddenly a girl said my name and I turned to see my ex-husband’s niece in front of me. She worked there. We hugged and I got teary. It had been over four years since I had seen her and more since we had been together at family functions. She was excited to see me as well and as we talked (and hugged a few times) it was bittersweet because I had missed her growing up these last few years. But still, she was happy to see me as I was her.

It’s strange how life evolves. When I was married, we had a lot of family functions and I loved spending time with them. It just felt good though to reconnect even for a few minutes in a store. And I’m just relieved that I saw her and not the ex! LOL

Anyway, it was an interesting weekend. How was yours?

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