What Happens When You Die?

Posted on April 19, 2022 by janieleeds

Ok, I guess I’m stuck with this theme for the moment…but here I am, wanting to know how you feel and sharing how I do. Thanks for all of your comments yesterday. I love to hear how others feel, think, and believe or not…sharing always connects us and helps to open up pathways of thinking that we might not have had before now.

Growing up, Heaven and Hell were in the forefront of my childhood. Purgatory, for those that didn’t quite make either Heaven or Hell, were given the chance to either be good or go down the bad path. Also, I thought that Purgatory was like the waiting room before it was decided where you were going – a pit stop of sorts – to review your life and see if you could have done better. I remember hearing that you had to have a lot of prayers said for the saving of your soul if you were stuck in Purgatory as well. And I remember offering up my prayers etc. for those poor souls caught in Purgatory so that they could be released to Heaven.

Hell was supposedly hot, not surprising the phrase, ‘hot as hell’ and all sorts of horrendous torture was to be the poor soul’s condemnation for eternity. So I was always afraid I’d ‘burn in hell’ if I weren’t a good girl. So I made sure I was a good girl…took it to the extreme with people pleasing etc…(that’s another story).

Heaven was for the very best, shiny good souls, like the Saints. The more prayers you said, good deeds completed etc., gained you entrance. As a kid, I thought I’d be stuck in Purgatory for awhile, but figured I’d be in Heaven eventually because I wasn’t a murderer. (Because that was an automatic damnation in hell).

But now I see things differently. While the idea of Heaven/Hell still exists in my mind, it’s not so black and white. In fact, I feel like when you die, there’s a review, a soul review of your life to see the big picture and not what the human experience was necessarily. It’s about choices, how you could have done things differently or how you did them in a way that was kind, loving and more in a big picture sort of way.

I imagine the life review with the other souls with whom we connected (or didn’t) and the experiences we had together while living the human experience on earth because you know things don’t often go to plan. It’s how we dealt with the hiccups, the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the good things, the emotional roller coaster that happens day to day. It’s the intent of taking the high road, yet keeping our self-esteem/respect in order, playing fairly, keeping our word, and so on and so forth.

My mom believed in hell, fire and brimstone which did have fear as a factor. I think in later years she softened her viewpoint as her brother committed suicide and accordingly, the thought was he was banned to hell for eternity. But she couldn’t fathom that thought because he was a good person who became mentally ill after the war. And so, in her mind, God had a special place for him.

What are your thoughts? Would you share again please?

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What Do You Believe?

Posted on April 18, 2022 by janieleeds

I was raised Roman Catholic. Church every Sunday, made all my sacraments, married in the Catholic Church, raised my kids the same way, but when we got divorced, it all changed for me. I had married for life, taking my vows to heart and found out that the now ex, hadn’t.

But everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it? Because without the divorce, I wouldn’t have continued on the way I had been raised. I still believe in God, the Universe, a higher power. I still pray the Our Father, Hail Mary and have been known to pray the Rosary on occasion for solace. I find it healing to commune with God, but not in the way I was raised.

After the divorce, I no longer attended Mass for a variety of reasons. Even though as a divorced Catholic who has not remarried, I could still receive Communion, I felt uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s because I’m very sensitive and the exlaw family still attended our church. But our church had been changing with the hymns they had been singing and the verbiage had changed as well. It was no longer the Mass I enjoyed with the bells heralding the body of Christ before communion etc.

My kids weren’t interested in going either and I didn’t make them go to Mass. I began communing more with nature and the quiet within me. After a time, I began reading more and expanding my views on spirituality. I found peace without Mass and all of the (man-made) Catholic laws.

While I’ve retained some parts of the religion that feel right to me, I no longer call myself a practicing Catholic. My mom was raised Presbyterian and she never understood why we had to go to a priest to tell our sins instead of directly asking forgiveness to the big man upstairs. So maybe that allowed me to look beyond my childhood religion.

I believe in spiritual energy. I believe in reincarnation, karma and the presence of spirits. I believe that we each have a life purpose. We can create our lives through the Law of Attraction. I believe in souls, who come together for a reason, a season or a lifetime to learn different lessons through a soul contract.

I ask for forgiveness through Ho’oponopono which I find more fulfilling. I am working on raising the female energies to balance the males – not to exceed them, but for equality. I’ve read books on Mary Magdalene and felt the synergy of those who channel her message.

Most of all, I believe in love. In the kindness that heals us all as a communion of people, united in the energy of love. In research, the matriarchal society that has diminished feels woefully sad and I want to energize her to equality which is not what the Catholic Church nor Bible really teaches.

I believe we choose to incarnate here with soul contracts to learn about the human experience. Part of that was due to reading a book by Neale Donald Walsch which resonated with me and gave me insight to the relationships I have had throughout my lifetime. It allowed me forgiveness to those whom had hurt me. It gave me strength to understand beyond my tender years as to how and why I had been hurt (as far as I can understand since those people have passed away). It gave me a new perspective on my life.

Perhaps you think me wishy-washy about religion, but this is how I feel now. I no longer need an organized religion, but instead choose to find my own way, keeping in the forefront that I lead with kindness, understanding and love. I am open to learning, to expanding and to creating peace within my life and radiating it to others.

How about you?

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Saturday In The Park

Posted on April 2, 2022 by janieleeds

This title just came to me and then I began singing that song…did it make you think of it too? Saturday In The Park by Chicago? Perhaps I’m showing my age…LOL Who’s kidding who? Of course, I’m showing my age…and I don’t mind it a bit!

I’m officially 55 now…”double nickels” as my father would have said. And I own it. It doesn’t bother me. In fact, I’m happy I’ve made it this far and I’m still here! While I’d prefer I didn’t have so many wrinkles on my face, each one of them was earned by time in the sun, laughing and sometimes feeling anxious. I look at these young kids now and think, ‘wear your SPF’ because I didn’t’. I liked the beach too much and being tan…and now it shows….ahhh youth….

The puppy is doing better after having had his neuter. He’s a bit more sedate and listens better. Or maybe it’s just that he’s getting used to the routine around here and what’s expected of him. Leave it or Drop it are not yet a part of his commands so we have to work on that more. But I’m doing better with him lately which is good. I just don’t think I was ready for the whole puppy thing after having had cats, they’re a whole different animal! Duh….silly me.

The kid had an interview so we’ll see if he gets the job. But it’s not a typical 9-5 because there are projects involved so he’ll have to stay late at times. Job’s 1.5 hrs away, but only requires being in the office 3x a week which is good. He hates the thought of commuting, so who knows. In the meantime, we’ve had some arguments but at the end of the day, I tell him that I love him and he tells me that he loves me.

However, he’s been a big trigger to me in the sense that he’s been showing those narcissistic traits his dad had. Side comments that aren’t nice. Gaslighting. Blaming me. Telling me what to do. Being angry about nothing. Not taking care of the dog or putting it on me when all he’s got going on is video games. It’s been a real roller coaster here. Not fun. But I feel like I am more centered and standing my ground. I pay the bills here and so if he doesn’t like being responsible in our home, then there’s the door. That’s where he’s gotten me. Although Anne did mention that she’s just trying to enjoy her son’s company (in last post comment) and I’m wondering if that is my next step to see if that will help him. Because the other day he stated that he didn’t think I liked him, that we don’t communicate and that he’ll leave and I’ll be a lonely old woman. I kept my tongue and he didn’t get a rise out of me. Because he knows I love him, but I don’t like how he’s treating me, nor how he’s not stepping up to grow up and take responsibility for his life. It’s a tough road to parent alone sometimes.

Anyway, I hope you sing along with the song below…enjoy! We’ve got sunshine here so that’s good since the weather’s been wacky lately. Have a great weekend!!

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Are You Having A Cranky Monday Too?

Posted on March 28, 2022 by janieleeds

I’ve rewritten this post a few times already, but I’m just going to hit send when this is done. I’m cranky today. Have you ever just felt cranky and want to enjoy it? LOL I know that probably sounds silly, but that’s how I’m feeling.

Hello my name is Janie and I’m cranky today. I don’t know exactly why I’m cranky, but I know that I am and somehow I deserve to be. It’s been a long time since I was this cranky and I’m frankly enjoying it. So don’t rain on my cranky day. I’m going to delight in it and stay over here in my corner of the world quietly. LOL hahaha

Have you ever felt this way? Like you’re just cranky and want to enjoy it? Allow it all to annoy you so you can get those feelings out once and for all? Or am I the only one who feels this way?

I don’t really like to be cranky, but every third blue moon I can feel this way. Like for some reason it’s ok for me to be uber cranky and if I’m going to be, then I want to enjoy it. Grouse about whatever petty silliness that I have to put up with and stomp my boots in annoyance at every prickly nuance. I told you, this happens so rarely that I just want to revel in it. Am I crazy?

I know better than to be around people when I feel this way which is nice too. A simple, I’m cranky suffices and people (read kids, dog) stay away and I get some peace and quiet in which to feel annoyed. Because you know my bark is worse than my bite so nobody wants to start me barking about all that’s wrong here at Chez Leeds. But since you didn’t ask, can I share a bit?

Money’s tight. Older kid still doesn’t have a job. Younger one’s child support ends in June and he’s only 1/2 done with university due to anxiety etc. issues. I nag, plead, guilt, encourage the older one to get a freakin’ job and I want/don’t want to throw down the gauntlet to tell him to either get out or get a job and give me money to live here. But that final straw in nearing steadily. I don’t understand him. Good kid, but afraid to fail at a job so doesn’t get one. I’m so frustrated I can’t even stand to hear myself rant about it anymore. They’re so annoying and so am I. LOL

Deadbeat Dad could be taken back to court, but last time he got away with non-payments and now I have to suffer getting repaid via garnishment at the minimum $35 a week when he owes thousands to me. That will take forever for me to be paid what is owed. Whoever said life was fair?

And, puppy had diarrhea, but thankfully he had it outside the house and not in his crate. I think that would have been the tipping point to my crankiness had he had an accident inside. Poor little thing, but he’s feeling better now.

I could keep going, but I won’t. I’ll shut up now and go back into my cranky corner. I hope you’re having a better Monday than me. Tomorrow is another day, so hopefully I get some sleep tonight and wake up bright and bushy-tailed in the morning with a smile. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my crankiness. haha

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

Puppy Update

Posted on March 16, 2022 by janieleeds

We’re getting more accustomed to the puppy (and he to us). The kids have been more hands on which is helping immensely because I was getting fried trying to get work done and train and take him out. Unfortunately he’s had an ongoing UTI, but at least he thinks the meds are treats! Thank goodness!

Potty training is going well and he sleeps in the crate every night without issue. Tomorrow he’s going to be neutered (spade?) and so ‘they’ say he will calm down a bit afterwards. He’s a bit ball of love for the most part and I’ve been teaching him tricks. But I really have to teach him other things that are more important like leave it, how to walk properly on a leash without pulling and gain some control over those issues. He needs to go to puppy school, but I haven’t found one that I can get him into at the moment. I was thinking of having a private trainer come just to work with me because he seems to respond better to the deep male voices of my sons. One thing at a time.

But it’s getting better which is good. However, on another note, I’m having issues with fainting. I fell a few weeks ago (fainted) and broke my nose in 2 places. Oh the blood when that happens! It was awful. Since then I’ve fainted in the same way a few times which isn’t good. So I’ve got some dr appointments lined up to figure out what the heck is going on. It’s a bit scary because I keep hurting myself when I fall. Monday I fell and cut up one knee and the other one is inflamed and I can only hobble on it. It’s better today, but not quite right. So the kids have had to step up and take the dog out more because I can’t run the risk of fainting with a puppy in the yard. I am not going to be taking him on walks anytime soon by myself either. The last faint I was with my son and the puppy so that was good because otherwise who knows what would have happened.

So that’s why it’s been quiet here at Chez Leeds. I just haven’t felt up to writing, but I thought I should get back on and check in. I hope you’re all doing great. I’ll start my reader up and catch up on all of you. In the meantime, note the St. Patrick’s Day bandana on the pup. He just came back from the groomer. 🙂

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 25 Comments

Why Did I Get A Puppy?

Posted on March 4, 2022 by janieleeds

If I had a dime for every time I said that line or something similar, I’d be rich by now. Multiple times a day I ask myself this question. So maybe I need to answer it. Here goes nothing.

  1. I thought it would be good for our family bonding.
  2. My kid has been asking since he was little for a dog and I felt it was a good time.
  3. We found a small golden retriever who seemed sweet, adorable and I couldn’t resist.
  4. I felt like a puppy would be a good way to get out of the house for me.
  5. Taking walks would help me to burn the covid pounds off.
  6. I’d meet people at puppy training (maybe meet a nice man?)
  7. The companionship of a puppy and unconditional love.
  8. Raising a puppy, the 3 of us, would be a great experience.
  9. I felt like it would be fun.
  10. I had fantasies of puppy play dates, meeting new friends and getting back out in the world without being on a dating site.
  11. Meeting my Fitbit numbers with lots of walks.
  12. Getting outside in the sunshine, fresh air and all that because puppies need it (as do we).
  13. I had a dog as a kid and I loved her.
  14. Golden retrievers are known to be lovable, sweet companions – better choice than the husky that my kid wanted because they’re high energy, etc.
  15. It would be good for the older kid to practice parenting (LOL).

I need to somehow find more patience because I feel I have very little of it lately. I know they can feel our ‘energy’ so I need to change mine up. Right now he’s on the couch next to me chewing furiously on a bone and lo and behold – out pops a baby tooth! I wonder if the tooth fairy will come tonight for him?

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Puppy Regret?

Posted on March 3, 2022 by janieleeds

I got a dog for the family. My older son has always wanted a dog so I got one for him, for us, thinking that it would help him to be more responsible. While I have paid for everything for the dog, he’s been pretty responsible, but the dog is making me crazy. They call it the puppy blues for a reason and I have them. Because this cute little pup eats every leaf, stick and rock every time we go outside when I think we can take a walk.

This morning, when I’ve only had 1/2 a cup of coffee in me which isn’t enough (LOL), he had to go out again and while he was being good, I thought I’d take him for a short walk. But he ate something that I couldn’t get out of his mouth. I have no earthly idea what the hell it was, but he chewed it for a long time. I wrestled with that pup alligator for a good 10 minutes trying desperately to open his strong jaws only to have him finally swallow whatever it was. I tried giving him a treat in hopes that he’d spit it out, but that didn’t happen. I tried opening his jaws, bent over like an idiot on the lawn for all to watch, wrestling the piranha only to be thwarted by every crocodilic death roll he made. Repeating the command in my deepest, most commanding voice, ‘drop it’ did nothing. And so, he ate whatever the heck it was. Now I’m worried.

Because this isn’t the first time. Last time, he ended up in the vet hospital overnight because he ate a bad something, and coupled with the parasites he had, he was very sick. Big bucks and worry was my thanks for taking him for a walk that time.

For the most part, he’s a good puppy. But taking him out for potty breaks is making me anxious and angry. Today is by far the worst experience we’ve had and I even had treats with me, thinking that I could convince him to drop whatever he’d grab. And I watch him like a hawk, but somehow today, he grabbed something in the lawn before I even realized he’d grabbed it. It looked like grass-covered poop maybe from another animal, like a deer? I don’t know what deer poop looks like, but I think it’s like rabbit poop so maybe that’s not it. Whatever it was, I hope that he has an iron stomach and it doesn’t make him sick because that’s more money out the door.

He’s a golden retriever puppy who is adorable and a good boy except when it’s time for me to take him out for a walk. So I guess, he’ll just only go out to go potty with me and no more walks. Because I can’t handle this anymore.

I’m not a quitter, but my life has turned upside down and with experiences like these, I do not like him. I am ready to give him back because I feel like a failure and I’m tired of all these bad feelings.

Coupled with some stuff going on otherwise in my life, I’ve not been in a good place lately. I hope you’re all doing better than me.

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged | 13 Comments

Hello Again

Posted on February 11, 2022 by janieleeds

It’s been a rough few weeks here which is why I haven’t been on. I will try to catch up with all of you when I can. So luckily, I escaped getting Covid even though my son had it in our home. He isolated for 10 days up in his room while I played nursemaid from the other side of his door. He’s much improved now and back to university which is great.

But then I fainted. Not part of the virus, but just something that happened. I didn’t even know it happened until I woke up on the floor of my family room with my coat on sweating. I tried to take off my coat and felt what I thought was sweat, running down my face. In fact, it was blood. Apparently I fell on my face and broke my nose in two places. It was awful to say the least. Blood was everywhere and luckily my kids came home and found me. Nobody knows why I fainted, perhaps I never will know, but I haven’t done it again so that’s good.

I went to the hospital because I thought I had a concussion since I was throwing up violently. A CAT scan proved that wrong which is good. And no, I didn’t have a heart attack or stroke either. That was checked too. So who knows why it happened, but I do know I felt a little less steady for the past few weeks.

The kids have been good about caring for me. I’ve had my nose re-broken to set it correctly (so painful) and I’m almost back to ‘normal’ again. A little remaining bruising on my face, but that’s it. So fingers crossed I’m back to feeling good again.

How are all of you?

PS Just before I was going to post this, a man knocked on my door with a floral delivery from a dear friend. The tears were just knocked out of me for the kindness that so many people have shown me. It’s not the first delivery since my fainting incident. Another dear friend sent me a chicken soup delivery with all the fixings and the most delicious chocolate chip cookies! I am feeling very warm and fuzzy today. I hope you are too….

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , , , | 18 Comments

Covid Was Here

Posted on January 18, 2022 by janieleeds

I’ve been quiet lately because Covid hit our house. Only one of us was down with it and he quarantined in his room for 10 days while the rest of us stayed clear and I delivered everything he needed to his bedroom door.

I’m not surprised, as I figured it would enter my home at some point, even though we haven’t seen anyone for a bit. Well, both kids saw their dad’s family the day before my one son began symptoms and he had dinner with his dad alone at a restaurant. That’s where I’m figuring he got it with the timeline (the restaurant). But who knows…at least he’s ok now. And the rest of us stayed safe. Thank God.

Interestingly enough, none of the rest of us got it here at Chez Leeds and we were all in close contact even when he awoke with sore throat, fever of 100 and feeling yucky. We’re affectionate in our home. Hugs and a goodnight kiss happen everyday. So I’m surprised and relieved I didn’t come down with it. Whew. Let’s hope I don’t either because if Mama goes down, they’ll have to run the house and that would be interesting…LOL

I did feel poorly with a bad headache and a severe tiredness for one day last week and I was worried that it was coming…but it didn’t. Another day my other son was sick, sneezing, coughing, and a slight fever but after 2 days it was gone. So far, we’re in the clear. Fingers crossed. Interestingly, the one son who didn’t get it was away with friends skiing for 5 days the week before and I thought for sure if someone were to get it or bring it home, it would have been him and yet, he’s fine.

The home test showed the kid was negative, but the next day we got him to the dr. and when the results came back 2 days later, they were positive so I guess it just depends on when you take the test. Tomorrow begins our release from quarantine which is good. I’m tired of staying home, but we did it.

I hope you’re all doing ok! Now, to get back into the swing of life again! I can’t wait!!

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , | 22 Comments