Everybody Reacts Differently

Posted on May 7, 2022 by janieleeds

I’m still in the phase of trying to wrap my mind around the whole situation here at Chez Leeds. I don’t think anyone’s ready for the words, ‘open heart surgery’ at any age, let alone at 55 after having so many other surgeries over the years. It’s been a long time since I was incapacitated by surgery, but I still remember the pain, the sorrow, the middle of the night insomnia filled with worry, etc. As far as I know, this won’t be much different from what I’ve endured in the past.

But what fascinates me is how each person reacts to the news. And how I can really talk with some people and with others, I feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings at this time. I love that all want me to be positive, but there’s also a painful reality that they seem to be missing which is unfortunate for me. Because yes, I want to be positive, but no, I’m not feeling it at this time so can you help me to process my emotions? Allow me to cry if needed, but let this unfold so that I don’t have to be strong with you too all the time? I have a lot on my plate doing it for the kids.

I think I’ve moved from denial to anger. I’m mad that my body is having this issue. I’m terribly sad that I have to endure this surgery. I just want to be left alone and live my life the way I want, come what may.

Yes, I said that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I feel. And while I will do the surgery, abide by the rules for recovery and do my best to stay on this forsaken planet for as long as I can for my kids, going out the way I want, without restrictions, feels way the hell better in this very moment. And you can avalanche me with whatever you want, but I need to tell someone honestly how I feel. And since you can read or not read my posts, I hope you don’t mind the raw truth.

I’m tired. I’ve been through so much in my life, more than I’ve told here. I’ve been the responsible one for so many relationships, situations and I’ve put everyone else first in my life. I want to put me first. Part of that feels like I’d like to give up and just spend however many days I have left being with my kids, spending what little money I have on happy, frivolous things and enjoying life. I want to drink, smoke, laugh, dance and travel. I want to be irresponsible, take off on a trip and stop worrying. I want to do whatever I want, say whatever I want and not give a darn about what people think, say or how I’m judged. I want to be free. I want to spoil myself, my kids, my friends. Stay up all night talking and sleep all day if I feel like it. Eat the chocolate goodies without restraint, drink my favorite expensive wine whenever I want and order takeout whenever I feel like not cooking without worry.

But that’s not what’s acceptable. People frown upon that type of selfish thinking and irresponsible behavior. It’s not what a good Mom would do. And I’m a good girl and try to be a good Mom. Sigh….

Posted in #womenofacertainage, health, heart | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

I Can’t Stop Crying

Posted on May 6, 2022 by janieleeds

I know it’s silly. I mean, crying doesn’t do much, but I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my face this morning. It’s really early, just the pup and me up, so I thought I’d write because I just can’t talk with anyone else right now about it.

There’s a million reasons why I’m crying, but none good enough in the end. And no, I’m not seeking to be dramatic, although my brother thought the whole heart thing was me being a drama queen until the cardiologist told him that I have a 50% mortality rate if I don’t have it done soon. So there. Who the hell would make up having open heart surgery to get attention? Seriously? But he’s a whole other story that doesn’t matter to me this morning.

The kids want to tell their dad and his side of the family. I know they need support, but they’ve been so mean to me that I don’t want to share anything with them. They stopped talking with me back in 2018 so I don’t think they merit any news about me ever again. But then again, this can’t be all about me because the kids need support from all sides of the family. It’s a shame though as I’d prefer they never know.

Not that I think they’re going to do anything helpful, except maybe feed the kids while I’m in the hospital for a week. Although I have friends who will help me and my brother will too. I don’t want them to use this as a way to twist the kids up into their web even more. I could see their narcissistic minds turning about how they can now really get rid of me (I die) and they get my kids.

Did you know that the ex demanded the kids tell him when they’re free on Mother’s Day so he could make reservation for them to see his mother? It’s Mother’s Day, I’m the MOM! He’s never done it before so I don’t know why he’s doing it this year. But he got shut down by the kids and now they’re seeing her Saturday which is fine with me. I’m not denying her seeing my kids as the grandma, but seriously? Wanting Mother’s Day time with my kids, leaving me alone and all of them together? Absurd.

I’m on Day 12 of not smoking, but this emotional rollercoaster is killing me. Thanks for reading. I just need a safe space to speak my truth.

Posted in heart, women's health | Tagged , , , , , | 21 Comments

Being Your Own Advocate

Posted on May 4, 2022 by janieleeds

So I had to call the neurologist’s office to ask for the MRI results. When I called, they said he’d get back to me. So I waited. Then the office called so I thought it was the Dr. but they said they hadn’t gotten any paperwork from the radiologist so I gave them the place, the date, the time etc. and the woman assured me the Dr. would call me later with the results.

He did call me with the results about 2 hours later which was good and bad.

Dr.: Hi, I got your MRI results back. All is fine.

Me: That’s great. So there’s nothing there to show that there’s a problem with my brain waves?

Dr.: No.

Me: So I don’t have to worry or have another EEG?

He sounds confused. Dr.: No, it’s fine. Just let my office know if you faint again.

Me: How’s the cyst?

Dr.: Cyst? What cyst?

Me: The one on my right side? Has it gotten bigger? Smaller? Stayed the same?

Dr.: There’s nothing in the report about you having a cyst.

Me: How can that be? It’s shown in every MRI since I was 22. You mean it’s not there anymore? It’s gone? Disappeared? (at this point I’m incredulous, but thinking maybe something miraculous has happened)

Dr.: Let me look at the photos. (I can hear him clicking) Oh there it is. No, I see it. The cyst is still there. Hold on, let me compare it to the last MRI in 2013. (Clicking) They seem to be the same size. No change.

Me: No change? Same size? So why isn’t it on the report that there’s a cyst in my brain? Whoever read the MRI should have noted that. I don’t understand.

Dr.: Don’t worry. I saw it’s fine. No change.

He hurries me off the phone as I sit there with my chin on the floor in astonishment. So I call back and speak to a friend who works in his office and explain it to her. She’s appalled because it should be on the report. She calls the radiologist and asks for a new report with the added cyst information on it.

And so, I have to ask, why do I have to do the job of someone else? And how do I trust anyone to read these reports if this is an example of what happens…has the medical field gone down the drain? How do you miss a big cyst? I just don’t understand. And it’s not like there’s any record of it so that they’d just not write about it.

And you wonder why I’m worried….here’s one example of why….

Posted in health | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

Thoughts In My Head

Posted on May 3, 2022 by janieleeds

I’ve had a ton of brain MRI’s in my lifetime already. I’m no stranger to the loud clunking of the machine that no earplug has ever drowned out, nor the claustrophobia that is triggered when I’m not allowed to move for what seems like hours (even though it’s probably 50 minutes tops) encased in a coffin-like machine. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Hopefully you never have to experience it. 🙂

But because I’ve been healthy for a long while now, it was a bit of a stunner to be back inside of it. Then to add that my heart isn’t doing well and I may be in for more surgeries and hospital visits and I started to get overwhelmed last night just remembering what I’ve gone through and potentially could be facing again. And I know I can get through it, but I don’t want to do it.

I’m praying for a miracle, for the reader of the tests to be wrong by some stroke of good luck. As it is, I’m still waiting for the results of the MRI after hearing that there’s something wrong with my brain waves on one side. Deep breath…and the patient waits.

Tomorrow I have the other cardiologist appointment, the second opinion which I confirmed today. They still haven’t received the echocardiogram from the first cardiologist so I hope that my call to confirm today will make sure that they get the results so they have the information needed to advise me. They said that they will call me if they can’t get the information by today. Fingers crossed they get it.

But it’s all overwhelming me. I’m already tired and I’m not doing anything really because I’m just too tired. Worn out even before it’s really beginning. Not a good sign. And yet, here I am. Still here. Whatever that means…

Posted in #womenofacertainage, women's health | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

MRI Update

Posted on April 29, 2022 by janieleeds

So I asked the older kid to come with me to the brain MRI. I wasn’t going to ask him. I was just going by myself like I’ve done so many other times even though I’m hugely claustrophobic and hate needles (gotta have contrast as well).

My self talk after divorce:

Just do it yourself. Don’t bother people. You can do this on your own. Be a big girl. Don’t be a baby about it.You’ve been through this before. You know what it’s like. You can handle this. You don’t need to inconvenience anyone because you’re uncomfortable. Just do it. Stop whining. You may need them for something more serious. Blah Blah Blah…

But a good friend who couldn’t get off work to go with me suggested I ask him so that he begins to see in real-time what’s going on and maybe gets a sense of the importance in what’s happening because he doesn’t seem to get it. He’s oblivious to anything I’ve been saying in regards to taking care of his dog more etc. And he’s never been exposed to what I’ve been dealing with health-wise over the years. But I think it’s time.

Because someday he may need to step up and help me again or help his wife/girlfriend and he needs to know how things are done. Not that I’m hoping that he’ll have to deal with anything like this, but it’s a good way to learn how to navigate the health care system, keep a cool head when getting bad news and asking the right questions and doing research when it’s something important. I mean, why not teach him, right?

So I’ll let you know how it goes. It’ll be a first for him to be there with me while I’m having the MRI. The ex (his dad) was always good about coming with me for this test because he knew I was claustrophobic and it helped to have someone in the room with me, tapping on my leg so that I knew I wasn’t alone. It helped because I wasn’t allowed to take any sedatives or do an open MRI. Wish me luck.

Update: So he went with me. I think it was a bit of an eye-opener, but overall, a good experience. It was he who was encouraging me, supporting me and that was a good thing – a good role reversal – which I think benefitted us both. When we got home, the older one suggested that Mom could use an ice cream run (how thoughtful!) so the younger one took me for a drive and a milkshake. It was a good handover between siblings, and I loved it.

So now we wait to see what shows on the MRI. Next week I’ll get some answers, hopefully.

Posted in health, women's health | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments

Can I Process Here?

Posted on April 27, 2022 by janieleeds

I feel like I’ve fallen down a hole. Like I’ve lost my footing and I don’t know where to step next. My head is spinning at the moment. I’m not sure how to deal with this stuff. And I have to deal with it before I open it up to friends/family/kids. I’m not sure what to make of it all. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something. Maybe it’s metastic from the cancer many years ago. Maybe it’s all coincidence. Maybe it’s nothing…yes, I’d like that version. It’s nothing.

I went to the primary doctor yesterday because I have an ear infection and I got antibiotics from him. We discussed all the testing and other doctors he sent me to and I caught him up on what seems to be heart-related fainting. But then the neurologist called me because I called his office asking that if the heart dr says it’s my heart that’s making me faint, then can I call off the MRI of the brain that’s scheduled this week because I don’t need it.

But no….so neurologist surprised me by telling me that last week’s Brain EEG was abnormal. Brain waves on the left side were slower at times. So I definitely have to have an MRI of brain this week and probably another EEG but one that takes even longer to make sure that what they found in the first one was really was an abnormality. Oh fun. Here I thought the fainting was just heart related. But now there could be more to it according to the neurologist.

What the heck happened? I hit age 55 and all hell broke loose? Really? My head is spinning but I’m not sure if it’s my heart or my brain making me dizzy…could be either of them I guess. WTH!?!

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my head in the sand and block it all out. I want someone to hold me, hug me, and tell me it’s all ok. Even if it’s a lie. I don’t care right now. Just let me put my head on your shoulder and you take care of me for 5 minutes. Let me lay down my burdens or you carry them for a few minutes so I can get my bearings.

Oh and the heart doctors’ group are a bunch of idiots. So I’m going to get a second opinion because it’s like the right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing. They were scheduling me for tests that they didn’t tell me about and passing me off to a colleague whom I’d never met. And some of their office staff are rude, dismissive and angry people. I don’t need that…

I have a second opinion scheduled with a well-known heart doctor appointment next week so we’ll see how that goes. If the new heart doctor’s nurse is any indication of how his office is run, then I’m definitely going with them even though they’re over an hour and 1/2 away. Patient, kind, professional, knowledgeable and explained it all to me in simple terms…that’s what I need and want in a doctor who’s going to work on me in a life or death situation – aka heart. Don’t you think?

I’ve been through so much in my life. Yes, I want to control what I can. Yes, I know what I want in a doctor/surgeon and I will find the right one that works for me, with me. I won’t just go ahead and have some test done to get it over with unless I know who’s doing it, why and how they’re doing it. That’s how I survived this long and I’m not backing down now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate you. I have good friends both here on blogging and in life. Thanks for letting me process before I have to tell the in life ones. I think I’m just going to stay quiet until I hear more about the MRI results…because why scare them? Right? Same with the kids. I’ll just keep going….like the energizer bunny…because nothing’s for sure…and “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…”

Posted in health, heart, women 50 | Tagged , , , , | 25 Comments

I’ll Tell The Kids When I’m Ready

Posted on April 23, 2022 by janieleeds

I thought I was going to tell the kids the other day, but that didn’t happen. Puppy peed on the floor and one kid was so annoyed that I didn’t want to add to the chaos. And then also, because I don’t have a lot of answers as to when/what will happen, I figured I’d just keep it to myself. I will be telling them that they have to step it up around the house though…

Friday morning the doctor’s office called telling me I need a cauterization (cut through the right wrist) to go up and see how damaged the valve is. That’s step one. Then they go to the next steps so I’m feeling like surgery isn’t imminent, but instead will be a dragged out wait, watch, worry. Not that I want this surgery right now, but still….

I like to know things. I’m a planner. Line it up and tell me how it’s going to play out so I can get my head around it and do what needs to be done. I’ve always been like that, but I guess this is going to squeeze me out of my comfort zone of control. Ugh. I don’t like that possibility at all.

So I have to take things on their timeline (waiting on insurance to approve etc). and think I’ll get a second opinion in the meantime. The doctor in his practice that is supposed to do this looks really young and I can’t find much on him. I know I have a right to get a second opinion so I will do that. I don’t mean anything discriminatory about a young doctor, but I have to feel comfortable. We’ll see. I haven’t even met the guy yet…guess I’m kinda judging a book by its cover which I don’t like. So I have to get my head around the whole thing.

And that’s the issue, isn’t it? Getting thrown a curveball is bad enough, but then having to figure it out while still being the matriarch without support makes it all the harder. Of course, my friends have been amazing and supportive. They’re ready to take me to appointments, to listen with me and to drive me to the tests.

It’s hard to ask for help. I’ve always just done it myself after the divorce. I didn’t want to bother anyone else.

Update: so the hospital called last night to schedule the catherization which I had thought was to happen in time, not within a week. I registered with them for Friday, but it freaked me out because the doctor who is supposedly performing this, I’ve never met. And this was not what was told to me by the original cardiologist. It was supposed to be a CAT scan as the next step. So why am I having this procedure?

Much more research on the horizon. To tell you the truth, I’m already tired and the worrying isn’t helping me a bit. I took a nap yesterday and I think another one is in my future today. It’s just too much to handle at this point…and I’ve got to take it easy…

Hope you’re having a good weekend.

Posted in health, heart | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Fix My Broken Heart

Posted on April 21, 2022 by janieleeds

It’s strange that I have been on this theme for the last few days when I just found out I have to have surgery on my heart. I have been fainting more often lately, so I went to the cardiologist today thinking he’d tell me that I have to eat better or something like that. But no…

I have a broken heart. Geez, I didn’t need a cardiologist to tell me that…my heart broke a long time ago.

The dr. said I have to have open heart surgery for a valve that’s not working which explains why I have had so many fainting spells. But I’ve been a fainter my whole life and now I know the reason – I was born with it.

When I look up the different procedures that he rapid-fire explained to me, I can’t stop crying. They’re scary. However, one is less-invasive and so I’m hoping I’m a candidate for that one. One step at a time. For now, I have to have more tests and take it easy…sure…take it easy with the puppy, etc.

I have to tell the kids tonight. But I have to stop this freaking crying before I do, so that I don’t scare them unnecessarily because that won’t work well. I’ve been through worse in my life and I’ll get through this too. It’s just overwhelming. Not what I was expecting to hear. Even though the cardiologist was upbeat when he said that this is fixable. Almost sing song as if I were to be happy about the whole thing. And ok, I’m happy that it’s fixable. Yes. Absolutely. But I’m also worried, scared and sad. For goodness sakes…I need to catch a break. I needed a change, but this wasn’t what I was imagining at all.

And I have to have the surgery, sooner rather than later. I’m going to try to find another doctor for a second opinion. I’ve always done that and this will be no exception. I wish I’d had someone in the office with me today instead of just me trying to hold back the tears and listening to understand what was going on with my heart. Instead, the whoosh of grief just coursed through me, numbing out my ability to think properly. Luckily he was nice when he saw the tears in my eyes, sliding down behind my mask and repeated in simple terms what was wrong and how it would be fixed by another doctor in his practice.

Then I was sent out to reception to have follow up visits scheduled and told that the office would call me when the tests were approved by my health insurance. So I guess it’s step by step which is fine with me. At least it’s not an emergency, even though it’s important to do it as soon as possible according to the cardiologist.

Why am I crying? Because I was alone, scared and staring woodenly at the girl in reception because my brain was just flooded with emotion…and still is. I know my friends will rally to help me. They’re awesome. But it just makes me sad, mad, frustrated and feeling a bit of a pity party that I am alone, in charge of my kids and shouldering it all on my own…again or better said…still….

Maybe this will shake it up in my house with the kids. Get them to grow up, take responsibility more and get it that I’m really tired. No wonder I’m so tired. My heart’s hurting…

Luckily I have no pain, just the fainting which comes and goes. Lately though I’ve been dizzier occasionally so yes, I know it’s time to get this fixed. Who knew I had this going on? I certainly didn’t.

I just got off the phone with a friend who said, “Well, now we’ve got proof that you’re a heartbreaker.” LOL I love my friends who can make me laugh…thank God for good friends…

Posted in #womenofacertainage, after 50, health | Tagged , , , | 20 Comments

Do You Believe In Mediums?

Posted on April 20, 2022 by janieleeds

I don’t know about you, but I do believe that we can get messages from beyond this living plane through Mediums (and even directly from loved ones who have crossed). I have had some messages via finding pennies, feathers, having real dreams and via a few amazingly talented Mediums.

I’ve seen some quack mediums that made no sense or were so generalized that it was ridiculous. I’ve seen others who researched who they were going to ‘read’ for and had crazy specifics that were in the obituary of a family member.

But I’ve also had a few who were spot on with information that was relevant and right without the messiness of feeling like they were making it up or had done research. I don’t like to give any information away when I’m with a Medium. I let them talk and listen. I write what they say or record it (if they allow it).

I once attended a gathering at the last minute which had a Medium there. I wasn’t planning on going at all, had even declined and at the last minute, I went. It was really interesting because…

I had a friend whose mom committed suicide when we were about 12 years old. I was very close to their family. The medium told me directly that my friend’s mom wanted her family (and me) to know that there is a special place in Heaven for those who have passed in that way. The medium had information that wasn’t public, nor did she know my name or anything about me, but she had specifics in how she described certain facts so that I recognized my friend’s mom in the reading.

What she didn’t know was that my friend’s mom had stopped at our house before it happened and had a very poignant conversation with my Mom whose brother had committed suicide. My Mom didn’t know what was to come or why they had that conversation until afterwards, but I remember my Mom telling me that she thought that God was good and that He would understand so that my Mom’s brother would be in a special place in Heaven after he passed. The verbiage of “special place in Heaven for those who passed in that way” was particularly special to me. Could it have been coincidence? I guess so, but I’d prefer to think of it as a message from beyond.

Recently I zoomed with a medium whom I didn’t know at all. During the reading, she told me there was an older male figure there, a dad perhaps? Well, my Dad had passed so ok. But as she began to describe the man, “tall, big, being a provider for his family was very important to him” etc. it didn’t resonate with me until I began thinking about my friend’s husband (recently passed) who was always very fatherly towards me. I mentioned that this sounded like Jack, my friend’s husband and she looked shocked. Immediately, she grabbed the notebook in front of her and lifted it up to show me on Zoom. Before the reading, she had been writing down what was coming to her and the words “jack-ed” were there in writing. As she continued the reading, I wrote down what she had said and when I passed it along to my friend, there were messages there for her. So we’ve begun saying that her husband ‘hi-jacked’ my reading.

Have you ever been to a Medium? What was your experience like? Or would you not go because you don’t believe in them? Just wondering….please share if you feel like it!

Posted in inspiration, love | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments