I’m Back!

Posted on June 24, 2022 by janieleeds

Hi my friends! It’s been awhile…all is quiet right now and it’s early morning here at Chez Leeds. I’ve been through the proverbial wringer, but happy to report I’m still on this side of the daisies. Boy am I playing with metaphors today – and probably wrongly! LOL But I’m here…and for that, well, it says everything.

It wasn’t an easy ride having open heart surgery. Not by any means. In fact, it was a rough ride full of complications and I’m still not out of the weeds yet. A little setback here and there landed me back in the hospital which wasn’t fun especially when they can’t figure out what the hell is going on.

But I thought I’d write while I had the chance in case there was someone out there wondering if I am still here – and I am! The only good part of this whole thing is that my bother and I have become extremely close and my friend group has been absolutely amazing. I’ve even gotten closer to my SIL (bro’s wife) which has been a long time coming for which I’m grateful.

Kids seem to be doing ok and going with the flow. House is running ok even though it’s not perfect. Heck, I’m not perfect, so I’m not worried about it. I’m just so appreciative for all of the helpers in my life.

Oh the other part of this journey which is good is that I’m losing weight fast! It’s so fucking wonderful to see the pounds just fall off every morning when I weigh myself. You know I think I talked about (or maybe I didn’t) that I gained the Covid 19 (lbs) in the last two years. I didn’t talk about how I couldn’t lose it though, but now it all makes sense. Heart inflammation puts weight/inflammation wherever it can on the body to help the heart when it’s under siege. So the double chin, the pudgy feeling (and look) around my body is easing and I feel a little better! I can’t wait to see how I feel in a month’s time!

I know it’s not about looks, but I’m so scarred up on my chest that my ‘zipper’ will probably always be visible except under a turtleneck. Oh well, at 55 I wasn’t planning on modeling LOL

So if I get some energy this afternoon I’ll scroll through the reader so I can catch up on all of you. In the meantime, HELLO! I’ve missed you all!

Posted in finding happiness at 50, health, heart, women's health | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

Nothing Left Unsaid

Posted on June 5, 2022 by janieleeds

I have loved my first boyfriend for years, decades even if I’m honest. He was my first kiss and while we could never really be on the same page at the same time (couldn’t live with him, couldn’t live without him), there has been a connection continued throughout our whole lives.

We’ve reconnected since the ex left me. The OB (old boyfriend) is married though and his wife and I have talked. She knows I am not a threat to their marriage. The OB has evolved into an old friend only with whom I can talk (and he can too). Last year they had some difficulties in their marriage and I did my best to help him through it as she walked out on him briefly. Secretly though, I think she reconnected us in hopes that we’d hit it off again and she could blame him for cheating, but I’m not that type of girl. Nope. You want to come to me, you’d better be free and clear as I am no man’s affair.

We email occasionally and when he reached out recently, I told him about the upcoming surgery. He called me a few days later and we talked. And I don’t know what got into me, but there was a huge inclination to tell all, to leave nothing unsaid and so at 10am in the morning, without liquid courage (aka a big glass of wine), I told him how I felt. I told him that I had loved him my whole life. I brought up a few past events and told him what was really going through my mind at that time and how I felt about it now. Nothing was left unsaid because in my. mind, I have nothing to lose by speaking my truth.

I wasn’t trying to sway him to me. Heck, I don’t even know if I’ll make it through the surgery so what better time to ‘fess up! The OB and I have beaten around the bush for years, not saying what we mean and playing games to protect our hearts for decades.

What was really awesome was that he took it all in stride. He met me exactly where I was in this process. He told me how he felt during those events and even brought up a few others, sharing what he was thinking at the time and asking if I remembered them in a similar fashion. How strange it is to hear now so many years later that we were thinking the same thing, but scared to take a chance for fear of rejection. Not that any of it matters now as it is water under the bridge, but still, it was nice to share.

And he told me he loved me, without hesitation and it felt good. I’ve always felt he loved me and vice versa. But it was a great way to close the chapter…feeling loved.

Posted in heart, inspiration, love | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Saturday Ponderings

Posted on June 4, 2022 by janieleeds

I’m trying to make up lists for the kids and for anyone who may be here after I get out of the hospital. Making a calendar of when garbage goes out, recycling, and daily chores that I do has been keeping me busy today. Then trying to make a list of phone numbers that keeps everyone in the loop, I’m exhausted!

But I started thinking about writing letters to my kids in case something goes awry. You know, I am not trying to be a pessimist in any way, but I’m more of a realist, I’m a just in case kinda girl….dot my I’s and cross my T’s…not that I’m expecting anything bad to happen, but hey, you never know…

Then I thought about my friends and how many of them have made such a big difference in my life. I want them all to know it. You know what I mean, know it deeply in their hearts. But then I think – am I being too dramatic? Silly? Ridiculous? And lately my hands don’t write as well as typing so is that too impersonal to type a note? And if I were to write these notes, would I mail them or just put them in the safe in case something does happen to me so that they’d be found at that time.

These are the things that keep me up at night. Do you think me silly for thinking this way?

I guess it’s how I’m trying to alleviate my stress levels. Tying it all up in a nice bow just in case and praying that it’s not needed. Because I want people to know how much they mean to me. And even though I think they know, I am one who likes to write it out, say it so it can be reread when/if needed. I have many old letters that I’ve kept from over the years that still feel very precious to me because they were written with love. Even old boyfriends’ letters remind of that period of time when we connected, when we were ‘in love’…even though we fell out of love afterwards.

Do you hold onto old letters? Would you think it strange if I wrote them?

Posted in health, heart, women's health | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Landlords

Posted on June 3, 2022 by janieleeds

I need a safe place to vent so here I am. I told the landlords via text that I am having surgery so I was dropping off the June and July rent checks. In that same text, I told them about the bats in the chimney, updated them about the termites, said the dehumidifier that’s stopped working and asked for confirmation that I pay the pest control company bill for the next year. One of them is super nice, kind and always answers. The other is a narcissist who thinks he’s really nice, but he’d bite your head off in a heartbeat if you asked him to pay for anything when it comes to upkeep of the house. And yes, we’ve battled before, but the nice one comes to my rescue.

So when the phone rang yesterday after being ignored for the last few months by Mr. Narcissist I took a deep breath and answered. I never know what he’ll bring up when he calls because he’s always got an ulterior motive beneath a badly disguised fake caring. And so it ensued with him telling me that if the kids or I need anything that he’s a phonemail away. (Meanwhile he never answers texts for help or to answer any questions or even to acknowledge that he knows the rent check is in his mailbox every month because yes, I drop it off to his house, on time, every single month even though he sometimes doesn’t cash them for months…seriously?! But I digress…

He casually mentions that he didn’t want to tell me, but that they want to sell the house. Immediately I’m on high alert. Like I need a freaking heart attack right now? Seriously did he think it a good idea to tell me that after he just finished peppering me with questions about the surgery and heard that it would be 8 weeks post-surgery before I will be back to myself. And let’s not forget I’ve been the ideal tenant. Mostly I take care of everything myself and never bother them. I’ve never given them any problems, never in 5 years been late on rent, never asked for covid relief, even had the funds ready when he took 3 months to cash my rent checks. And I put up with their workmen coming and going on the property all the time because they put up a shed where they store stuff.

So I asked when he wanted to sell. He said sooner rather than later. Ok, so what does that mean to me? Luckily without knowing any of this I had already given him the June/July rent so I have until hopefully August? He brushes it off and doesn’t really answer except to say that he wants to put it on the market for $700K and would give me the first refusal if I wanted to buy it. While that’s nice, this place is a dump. They don’t keep up with repairs. The foundation is cracked and there’s no central air so it’s hot as hades in the summers. Never mind there’s no insulation. I didn’t answer him about buying it. Instead I just thanked him and said I had to get off the phone.

This was a good place to land after the divorce, but obviously my time is up. I’ve been looking for a few years for a new place for us, but I have yet to find it. Rentals are hard to find these days and the housing market is so over priced that I couldn’t afford anything decent. One more thing to add to my worry list. Just when I thought I could quietly have the summer to heal.

And I get that they want to strike while the market is hot so that they can make a profit by selling the house. It just comes at a really bad time for me. So wish me luck. I knew this day would come, but its timing stinks.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

Microblading

Posted on May 27, 2022 by janieleeds

As a woman of a certain age, and maybe you’ve noticed this too, my eyebrows have thinned along with the hair on my head. However, strangely enough, occasionally I find a sprout of coarse hair on my chinny chin chin…ugh. This growing older is not for sissies. What the heck? How can this be? But I digress.

I’ve had sparse eyebrows for my whole life, but after I lost my hair to chemotherapy, they never quite came back. Even when I lost them completely, I had a hard time drawing on eyebrows and perpetually looked surprised as I could never make them even. It was awful.

Fast forward to lately and I’ve been trying to color my brows because that’s the style, but I look like a four year old colored them with crayons and not inside the lines either! LOL I can’t seem to get the color right, nor the shape. Well, I have no shape, just a line that goes across, but at least it’s not a unibrow. But there’s no arch. Not a lot of hair and the hairs I do have tend to stick out from my skin instead of lying flat. No fun.

So when I saw a friend who recently got microbladed and while she had great brows to begin with, they looked even more fabulous afterwards, I was hooked! So guess what…I did a thing yesterday. I got my eyebrows microbladed. And let me tell you, it hurt, but it was well-worth it if today’s look stays. Luckily my friend drove me which was good because I’m not comfortable driving by myself long distances or to places I don’t know because with the heart issues, I don’t want to take any chances.

I figured I can’t try drawing on my brows while in the hospital for 7 days. Not that anyone’s looking at me, but still, there is a bit of wanting to look decent, isn’t there? And why not spoil me if it makes me happy? I figured I better do it before the surgery date because afterwards, I can’t do anything that could cause any infections. In fact, had I known, I would have had my eyelashes tinted and curled if I had known this woman did that too. Why not at least have the eyes looking ok without any effort while in the hospital, right? LOL

I have to confess though that there was a bit of panic when I saw the outline of where she was going to micro blade my eyebrows. They looked like two huge caterpillars in a weird color shade and I felt nauseous. My mind was on a loop of ‘what am I doing? does she know what she’s doing? how will I feel if this goes really badly? people will make fun of me!’ and so on…it was bad. My friend who was with me said the look of panic on my face was real. But I decided to just trust the process and the results that I had seen on my friend that this same lady had done. But it was hard to trust. Especially when you can’t change it and it’ll be that way for 2 years…

But alas, it’s just the brows and I’m fine with it. The eyelashes will just have to wait until later when I am healed. And who knows maybe I’ll not be up for doing that by then. This was a whim as it was. Now I’m just waiting for someone to notice. LOL So far, the kids haven’t noticed although I don’t understand why…I guess Mom is Mom and they didn’t see the redness around my brows yesterday…even though I did! Luckily today there’s no redness today which is good.

I think this makes my eyes pop a bit more too. There’s something about framing the face that makes my eyes look bigger, brighter…or maybe it’s my imagination.

Have you ever had your brows microbladed? Did you like it?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, heart, women 50 | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

All You Need Is Love

Posted on May 26, 2022 by janieleeds

My friend Dwight posted here and he inspired me to spread the love. As a self-proclaimed Super Heroine I figured it was my duty to do as requested. Because, I agree. Our world needs more love in it.

While I’ve been super busy wrapped up in my own heartfelt pity party for the upcoming surgery, Dwight’s post was like a light switch that changed me. Spreading love and connections clicked inside of me. That was the reason I started this blog. To help others, to find myself again and to connect with people from around the world. To make a safe space to talk about divorce, heartbreak and the evolution of coming back to myself, all while helping others to find themselves. Authentically.

Don’t you feel like breaking out into song and singing All You Need Is Love by The Beatles? Come on…altogether now…

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

I think we need to get back to basics these days. Be kind to our fellow man. Lord knows that we don’t have enough of it here on this planet. It seems like every time we turn around, there’s more bad news. People killing people. Civil unrest. Unsafe conditions. Does it never end?

So here’s my bit, I’m sending out a wave of understanding, free of judgement and full of kindness and love. You need a friend, I’m here with open heart and ears. You need to vent, speak up. You need to process what’s going on in your life, yup, I’m listening. Because you’ve all been doing that for me, so I’m passing it along and doing my part to help.

Feel free to link to Dwight’s post in case this one inspires you to send out more love! Happy Almost Friday! Yay!

Posted in heart, inspiration, love, music | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Crazy Dream

Posted on May 21, 2022 by janieleeds

Last night I had this crazy dream (hence the title) which was that a friend was getting married and my group of girlfriends and I were all in her wedding. She had us all dressed in white short dresses that mimicked her gown instead of the usual bridesmaid dresses. By the way, this woman is already married and has been for decades which is weird. And we were all young, like in our late 20’s/early 30’s.

In the dream, I had to get ready and was running late (which isn’t unusual for me). But I also had a baby that I had to hold the entire time and it was the ex’s baby (not the kids we had together) and both of my parents (who are now deceased) were there and I was in charge of taking care of them as well. I remember that my parents were sick so that was hard, but they were also required to be at the wedding and that was a challenge.

When I awoke, I remembered so many details from the dream, but all I can now remember is the overall feeling – the feeling of being overwhelmed, responsible for everyone and everything and having the everyone mad at me for arriving late to the wedding without them realizing what I was juggling which was impossible.

What I’m thinking is that even in sleep my brain is trying to process this next chapter. And yes, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m trying to nest (like before the kids were born) and get things settled in case I can’t do things after the surgery. I’m trying to remember to schedule bill paying, lawn care, trying to clean the house, get ready for people to be here in case they begin to stop by while I’m recuperating. I’m trying to get the kids on a schedule (not easy) and worrying about the dog.

I go through stages when I just cry from the stress and fear of it all. I think I need to release all the stressors that way which helps. Even though my brother will help and be the on point person for the doctors, I have to get everything done on my own. Luckily I have a few trusted friends who have offered to help me which is good. Because I’m tired normally, but lately, I can feel my heart palpitating from the stress more often and getting dizzy more often. I haven’t fainted in awhile which is good though so somehow I’m stopping the stress before I faint. Thank goodness. At least that’s good.

Let’s hope I can continue it.

Posted in heart, women's health | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Sleep Evades Me And Other Silly Nuisances

Posted on May 15, 2022 by janieleeds

I’m sleeping a lot, but I’m also getting up in the middle of the night. Well, not getting up, as in out of bed, but being awake and then I can’t get back to sleep. I toss and turn. I go over what I’d really like to say to some people but can’t/don’t. Although for some reason, I was able to sleep through until 5am this morning. Well, not according to the Fitbit, but I don’t remember watching the clock as much last night so that’s good.

I know it’s not such a big deal to have open heart surgery nowadays, but to me, it feels huge. Even after the 10 + surgeries I’ve experienced over this lifetime, you’d think it wouldn’t be a huge deal. But it feels that way. I can’t help it. I don’t want to go through it. But I know the alternative is that I don’t live. And I want to be here for my kids, even though life feels really flipping hard these days.

But there are times when I’d just like to be left alone to live the way I want until I pass. Just let me enjoy my life and concentrate on making more memories with my family and friends and not worry about the future, the kids, money, etc. You know, I quit smoking. Cold turkey. I quit April 25th, but I’ve cheated 2x. However, all in all, I think it’s good.

Last night I cheated though and had a glass of wine with one. Why? Because there are just some times when I want to cave in and have one. And so I did even though I know it’s not good for me. Please don’t berate me. I know what I did. I’m just being raw and honest here. Because I trust you. Because I want to and because I can. And I’m human. Lord knows, I’m human, full of foibles, contradictions and just trying to do my best under these circumstances.

It’s not easy these days, is it? For any of us? We’re all doing the best we can under the circumstances. I’m not one to judge. I’m more of an encourager because that’s how I like to be treated. Far be it for me to tell you what to do because I’m certainly not the guru around here. Not by a long shot.

What I do know is that I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve read up on what’s in store for me with the upcoming surgery and I’m ambivalent about the whole mess. I just don’t want to do it. I know I have a choice, but I really don’t in my mind. I can’t leave my kids alone in the hands of those crazy narcissists yet. Someday, yes. But not yet. So I have to prepare myself for the agony.

And woe to those who want to pollyanna the whole mess to me as I’m not ready. I don’t care that I’ll have renewed energy once I have a new heart valve. That my broken heart will be fixed so I can find love again. That this is a new chapter. Etc. Etc……F-that.

Sure, I am not so obtuse that I don’t know all that…or haven’t thought of it. But I can’t see through to that because there’s so much pain, recovery etc first to deal with and I know what it’s like to recover from major surgeries. It’s not easy. It takes stamina, mental awareness and strength that I just can’t summon yet. You have to want to live, push through and stay here on this planet to proceed in this lifetime you’ve got. Otherwise, it’s only a half-assed effort which can go either way.

I still haven’t heard back from the cardiologist office to confirm the surgery date. It’s the end of May as of now. I have this weird feeling that they’re going to push it up suddenly and without warning I’ll feel like another rug has been pulled out from under me. I hope that doesn’t happen. In the meantime, what keeps me up is thinking of all I have to do, or should do, before I go into the hospital and how I will manage after I get out.

I know this isn’t insurmountable. I know help will be offered. I know I’ll have to release control over a lot of stuff in my life because I won’t be able to do what I’ve been doing for awhile now. I know, I know, I know. I just don’t wanna do any of it. Haven’t you ever felt this way?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, health, heart | Tagged , , , , | 14 Comments

Pass The Salt

Posted on May 9, 2022 by janieleeds

My kids told their dad and his family about my upcoming surgery because they wanted support. While I didn’t really want the narcissists to know, it was important to the kids so that they don’t have to be bullied and that there’s some type of understanding when the kids can’t do something because they’d have to be taking care of the puppy or me after surgery. Because the narcissists don’t take no for an answer.

So they told them Saturday night. But it didn’t turn out like they thought it would. It was as if the kids had said, ‘pass the salt’ instead of ‘mom is having open heart surgery and we’re scared’ which was how/what they had said, but the response was nothing. Nobody in the ex’s family even raised an eyebrow or asked anything.

We were all startled by the response. The kids expected them to say they’d be there for them when needed (which wasn’t said), even though I can’t believe they wouldn’t be. And for me, well, I’ll admit, I thought they would be kinder towards the kids. Forget about me, I didn’t expect anyone to check in on me. Why would they? I’m sure the ex and his evil mother are hoping that I croak so he doesn’t have to pay alimony any longer. And yes, I’m that serious. I wouldn’t put it past them to now be excited that something could go wrong. Because that’s how they are.

I tried to reassure the kids that they would be supported by my side of the family and their dad’s even though they didn’t say anything. I can’t imagine the ex-MIL wouldn’t be thrilled to tell everyone how she was burdened into taking care of my kids while I left them alone (not saying I was in the hospital – because yes, she twists everything possible) and how she’s such an amazing grandma. Pardon me while I gag…and yes she’s done this before…in different ways…and I found out from the people she told whom she didn’t know I was friends with at the time. And yes I did set them straight with the truth, not her twisted version of it.

Additionally that ex-MIL bought flowers for my kids to give their dad’s girlfriend (of not even 9 months) to celebrate her on Mother’s Day. I don’t understand…wouldn’t that be their dad’s job to do that instead of his mother’s? And why? The kids hardly know her and she’s certainly not their mom. That one hit me squarely in the heart.

I guess I’m oversensitive these days. I can’t help it. Unfortunately I ended up feeling exhausted yesterday so we couldn’t go out to dinner like I’d planned. Luckily we got take out, but I’m more and more exhausted over little things these days which isn’t good. The specialist had said it might happen. I guess it is…so better that I get this surgery sooner rather than later…

I hope you had a great Mother’s Day…thanks for being so kind to me!

Posted in health, heart | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments