What Would You Do?

Posted on September 15, 2022 by janieleeds

I always find it troubling and startling how some people treat others, especially single women. I’m not trying to be bratty here or a feminist (God forbid I invoke that word), but seriously, lately it’s more rampant than normal.

For instance: a friend of mine was thinking of selling her vintage car. She put it on FB and immediately some guy (with whom she was acquaintances) wrote back saying he’d like to see it and maybe buy it. She wrote back to him and they made a time for him to see it. He comes to her house and spends three hours checking out the car. Needless to say my friend had all of the oil changes and papers ready for him to see, plus she had taken beautiful care of it. He said he wanted to buy it. They agreed on a price (she took his offer) and a future date for him to pay for said car and take custody of it.

The day before he’s supposed to pick up the car, he writes to her a long message on FB (meanwhile he has her phone number so he could have called her), letting her know that “he can’t come get the car tomorrow, but he can come the following day. Oh, and by the way, he’ll take the car, (to get it out of her way). She can keep the title and he’s going to pay it off in installments. But don’t worry, he’ll just put the car at his parent’s house. After the first month, he’ll pay half of what he owes her and then in 2 more weeks, the rest of it.” He goes on to word salad (do you know that term?) talking about how he’s about to leave for church, he’s paying for his daughter’s wedding so he’s a bit short on cash and he’s having dinner with his inlaws tonight so he can’t be in touch).

Screech to a grinding halt…can you hear the brakes squeal? Uh…no and no and no.

Would he have tried to pull that on a man? I highly doubt it. Don’t you?

So why did he think that it was ok for him to do it to her? Because she was nice to him? She took his first offer (even though it was a low ball offer). But if he set the price, then why can’t he pay it? Or gather the money during the time from the bid to the time to pay? Seriously? It’s not like it was a lot of money either. She was giving it to him for a song because she wanted it to go to a good home, to someone who would enjoy it, care for it and he seemed to be the right fit.

Until he changed the deal without warning.

So she simply wrote back: “Thanks for letting me know our deal fell through. Have a good day!” because that’s what we came up with after deliberating for awhile. I mean, seriously? What in the world?

After a few minutes, suddenly he’s calling her. She ignores it because we’re on the phone. He doesn’t leave a message, but instead writes to her again.

“Guess what?! My wife found a royalty check (supposedly he writes for a magazine) that we had forgotten so I can pay in full. I’ll be there next week so let me know when it’s a good time for you.”

So what would you do? What do you think she decided to do?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments

I’m Fine

Posted on September 10, 2022 by janieleeds

It’s the kiss of death to hear someone say” I’m Fine.” At least for me because depending on how those two words are said, well, let’s just say there’s a world of difference!

Of course we’ve all probably seen those memes or comics where a wise man warns another man to watch out for when she (girlfriend/wife) says “I’m fine” because it means anything but she’s fine. I know that I’ve said I’m fine when I wasn’t. Haven’t you?

So why do we say, “I’m fine” when we aren’t. Well, speaking for myself, here are some reasons why I’ve said I’m fine when clearly I was not:

1.I’m having a hard time and don’t know how to explain it.

2 I’m overtired and just can’t be bothered.

3. I’m afraid that I will upset or anger the person asking if I tell them why I’m not fine. (Probably because I’m afraid they won’t take it right – they’ll be defensive or mad or whatever)

4. I wonder if why I’m not fine isn’t enough – in other words, I’m unsure as to how the listener will take my answer – will they poo poo it as it’s not such a big deal? Even though they’re my feelings?

5. It feels too big to explain.

6. I’m not quite sure how or what I’m feeling so I’d rather not talk about it right now.

7. I doubt the listener will understand or react the way I need them to react (which is with kindness and compassion) so I shake it all off and work hard to pretend I am really fine until I can be alone to cry.

8.I know it will cause a fight if I say what I really want to say.

9. I really am fine and am wondering why the listener got the wrong message. So then I ask them, “Are you ok?” and wait for their answer…

10. I don’t believe the listener will get it so I don’t even try.

Have you ever said, “I’m fine” when you weren’t? I feel as if a lot of people use the “I’m fine” in order to escape sharing their feelings and as I just learned it’s National Suicide Prevention Day, I’m here to tell you that not speaking up when you’re not fine not only hurts you, but others who care about you. I’ve had a few people in my life who have chosen to take their own lives and it’s been so hard on all of us who were left wondering if we could have made a difference in some way. Especially the family who live with the leftover feelings that run the gamut from guilt, blame to anger, resentment to fear, despair etc.

Please, get help if you’re feeling that way. Please, allow those who love you to help you. Please, don’t do it. We’re here for you. You are not alone. Ever. God bless.

Posted in women's health | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Something for Me – Beauty Edition

Posted on September 7, 2022 by janieleeds

Awhile back, I wrote about microblading my eyebrows. While it hurt to have it done, I am glad I did it, especially now when bushier brows are in. Luckily, it only lasts about 2 years which is fine with me because who knows what will be in fashion by then!

I will tell you that I love not having to pencil in my brows in order to make them look more fashionable. But it is a little jarring at first when you have it done if you were like me and had sparse eyebrows to begin with! That took some getting used to in the beginning.

Two weeks ago I returned to the woman who did them for a refresher because whether it’s the meds or the surgery, I needed a refresher (which you’re supposed to have anyway). She darkened my brows even more because they’d lightened up a lot since she did them. I am hoping they’ll stay the nice brown color they currently are. I guess time will tell.

I also went to a different place and got my lashes lifted and tinted. Way back in the early 90’s I used to get my lashes tinted at a little boutique beauty place. I never had a problem, but about a year after I began doing it, they got closed down because they got sued for some reason. By then I didn’t really care one way or another so I let it slide. It didn’t make as much of an impact as I’d have liked so I stopped.

But now it’s back in fashion, so I found a beauty place I used to go to back when I was married and had more money. I used to get those fake eyelashes – but the ones that looked natural. They were a lot of upkeep, but I loved them – well worth it! While I don’t have the patience nor money I once had, I decided to get my lashes tinted and lifted and I’m glad I did!

The girl Alli who used to do my eye lashes back in the day still works there so it was like old home week. And while there’s no comparison to the fake lashes that looked real, this is a good alternative that requires no upkeep on my part which is good. It lasts supposedly 8 weeks. I am not sure I got such a lift as I’d like, but with a little mascara, I can see the oomph it gives me.

I guess I was imagining it to be like the lash extensions…where they just look fantastic all the time. But it’s fine. I like it. Next on my list is the dentist and my front teeth that since the surgery are looking worse for the wear because of the bonding (I’m a tooth grinder and have broken my teeth multiple times). I went for the consultation, but I can’t have anything done until December because of the heart surgery. Who knew?

Hmm…I wonder if I can get botox again? Yes, I did that too a few times, but it didn’t make any difference. Have you ever done that?

In the meantime I’m on the lookout for a new lipstick. Any suggestions? I like mauves…they go with my skin coloring.

Posted in #womenofacertainage | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Starting Over

Posted on August 21, 2022 by janieleeds

I’ve started over many times. Heck everyday is a new start, isn’t it? So what’s different about how I’m feeling today?

Well, I’m decluttering the house. There’s nobody home so it’s just me and I’m on my own schedule. Eating when I want, doing what I want when I want. It’s kinda nice to be honest. Last night I couldn’t sleep well though. I was up past 3:30am even though I’d taken a few cat naps since 1030pm. So when I woke up at 8:45am, the sun was brightly shining and well, since I had no responsibilities to anyone but me, I smiled. Responsibilities (ie kids) return tomorrow afternoon from their first dad weekend in about 6 six years so I’m going to enjoy this fully free time.

I have the music playing loudly. Nobody’s here to know. I’ve been eating all sorts of foods at crazy hours. I feel like a teenager whose parents are out of town! LOL And I’m really liking it. I had lunch yesterday at 10:30am. I may just do that today too. Because there’s nobody here to keep me regimented to a schedule and with the wacky sleep hours, who cares? It’s temporary anyway. Monday begins real life but until then…its Janie time!

My heart is still messy though and I get racing heart palpitations sometimes when I’m not really doing anything so that’s concerning. So far I haven’t passed out though while the kids were gone which is good. That’s something I really don’t need to repeat especially if I’m alone in the house so I have only been walking a little bit inside because it’s summer here and too hot to do it outside alone. I am still too weak. And I don’t like it.

But it’s Sunday Funday for me and I’m determined to enjoy it. Heck, I may even make my lunch at 10:30am a chocolate ice cream…because I CAN! LOL

I hope your day goes great too! What are you up to? Make sure you take some ‘me time’ where you can.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, heart | Tagged , , , , | 18 Comments

All Alone

Posted on August 19, 2022 by janieleeds

I was sipping my coffee when I decided to open the computer and saw the date. It’s my wedding unanniversary. I’ll admit I was dumbstruck for a moment. Because today felt different. I am at peace. I think that’s the difference. It’s serenely quiet at my home with the kids and dog away with the ex and the ex’s girlfriend. It’s a strange feeling when usually my home is bustling and I’ll admit that last night it felt too quiet.

But this morning I’m thinking about what I can do today and for the next few days before they return. How I can do things to keep myself busy: like go get my car washed, wash the comforter on my bed, organize and straighten up the house, Last night I treated myself to dinner delivered. It was so lovely! No pots nor pans to clean up – it felt divine!

I talked with the kids while they were in the car with the ex’s GF who was driving my son’s car on their way to see their dad. My kids are very sweet and nice to her (and vice versa) so I thanked her for sharing the driving because they were in high traffic areas which my kids aren’t used to and also so there would be some form of communication between us. Because who knows if what he’s setting up is an engagement considering the supreme efforts he’s making to have them drive down together to see him. One never knows with a narc.

And how would I feel if that were to happen? Well, I don’t want him anymore so that’s not the issue. What would be the issue is the insecurity I’d feel that he was engaged while I haven’t found anyone since the divorce. And yet, I haven’t really been looking as I’ve been healing from the traumas I’ve experienced.

I think what bothers me most is this: he’s still got his parents/family and when the GF and my kids and he are together, he’s making a new family and I’m alone. That’s the crux of it.

One more layer released. I think I’ll go make my to do list….

Posted in dating after 50, divorce | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

An Interesting Evening…

Posted on August 18, 2022 by janieleeds

Fast forward to 2 days before what would have been our wedding anniversary and the kids’ college tuition is due, a deadline that night which sets us all on edge because a) we’re talking about money and b) because kid is doing this at last minute, and the numbers that are due aren’t adding up properly.

A text exchange, first one since 2019 begins with the ex and me. I send him info as I try to unravel Financial Aid, loans, amounts that aren’t credited properly, hoping to get the numbers right, get the tuition paid and get on with my night. At first, it’s a battle to mathematically unravel this mess. We are each typing the numbers and mathematical equations of 60/40 with the word ‘agreed?’ to punctuate one’s own correctness and to agree to this and let’s be done. On both of our parts. I admit. I was doing the same thing. The competition is palpable. A never-ending result in the demise of our over 20 year marriage.

He’s got a way of getting under my skin because when he’s in the mood, which is often, he’s ready to pounce on anything that’s remotely not detailed, exacting and correct in his favor. He questions everything I say, do, am. And I feel it. Right to my bare bones and I’m triggered immediately as he’s pushing my buttons. I feel myself beginning to spin like in the old days. He’s gaslighting me.

I take a deep breath and stop. I cease texting, but he’s continuing to push. “Agreed?” “Do you not think my numbers are right?” More menacing texts come as I remain silent trying to center myself. The numbers are not adding up on my end either. At least we’re in agreement for that. So I make the bold decision and pick up the phone. (yes, I called him). We hadn’t talked since I dragged his deadbeat self through the court system a few years ago after he owed me thousands of dollars and was refusing to pay his share of the kids’ expenses according to the divorce agreement.

He answers and a wave of hyper-vigilance ensues in my head along with the surprise of how strange he sounds. I take the lead and ask him for his help in figuring out these numbers which are really frustratingly difficult and considering it’s already 10:30pm, I’m too tired to deal with the whole thing by myself. So I invite the narcissist to help with the mathematical gymnastics because that gives him something to do besides berating me. And it works. Together, let me repeat that…TOGETHER…we figure it out – at least I think we did!

Of course by the time we do this, he’s also told me that he has to pay with a credit card as he doesn’t have any money (his constant excuse but with his high paying salary, I don’t know what he spends all his money on) and the website is only allowing one payer for the entirety as I can’t figure out how to add him in order for him to pay his portion. While there’s a rebate on the financial aid part, it’s easier if it’s me who pays the whole amount as I can get the refund faster because the kid is living with me. He says that he’ll pay me back if we don’t get the refund. Sorry. But I don’t trust him. I’m playing all nicey nice, but I don’t trust him at all. So in a joking manner I make him repeat that he’ll pay me what he owes if I pay the whole thing now while on speaker in front of our son. He doesn’t find me funny, but I do. Probably because he’s bilked me out of THOUSANDS and I’m calling him out quietly. Luckily I have every confidence that the rebate will come through which is the only reason I agree to paying it up front. Well, that and the kid is having a panic attack now because this is all last minute and he’s a mess (but that’s a post for another day).

After the payment part is complete, we end up on the phone talking for another hour. That’s a post for another day, but it’s interesting to say the least. We’ve come a long way.

I’VE COME A LONG WAY…so can you if you’re the ex-wife of a narcissist. There’s hope for us to see it clearly and still be able to manage when we have to deal with them…it does get easier…you just have to know how to navigate it.

Posted in divorce | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments

8 Weeks Since OHS

Posted on August 13, 2022 by janieleeds

It’s been 8 long weeks since open heart surgery. Time flies when you’re not motivated to do anything and the days just seem to slip by without you being aware of them. At least that’s been my experience. I’ve not had a summer per se, except to feel the heat as it’s been really hot here in the rental house. The AC units can’t keep up so it’s a balmy 80ish degrees inside which isn’t fun.

I’ve been having heart palpitations. I got off the meds that I didn’t like for a short time. For the first few days I finally felt like me again…but then the old feelings of ‘why did I have this surgery’ (which wasn’t optional) came in again. The perky Janie got lost after a few days again…not as lost as when I was under the medications, but lost nonetheless.

But the intensity in the fast heartbeats got worse. So I went to the cardiologist yesterday and he put me on new meds which of course, slow your metabolism (hello more weight gain- grrr) with additional non-motivating exhaustion. I feel like I can’t catch a break!

Maybe this round will be different. Maybe my body won’t react the same way as it did in the past. Maybe this will ease the rapid heart beats. Heck, I took the first med this morning and definitely noticed my heartbeat quiet down. But I have to see how I do on this med because it can make you tired with fuzzy thinking (not good for driving). So far, so good, but of course I’m on the computer and not behind the wheel…

Anyway, that’s what’s going on here at Chez Leeds. How about you?

Posted in health, heart, women 50, women's health | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Can It Be The Meds Or Me?

Posted on July 30, 2022 by janieleeds

My brother acts like I’m lazy now that I’m 6 weeks since surgery. I’m not doing enough. He’s got to check to make sure I”m exercising (walking) and am doing as the dr. prescribed. Which I am doing by the way, if not to the nth degree because I’m over tired all the time.

I wish I’d never had this surgery. There. I said it. What did it do but make me feel even worse? I’m not myself. I find no fun in this life. I’m not going to take my life, but this situation is cruel. It’s nothing. It’s apathy. It’s so. not. me.

And I can’t say it aloud to anyone because they’ll not understand. Not that I am sure you do, but I have to say it, to write it, to express it because God only knows this is an awful space to be in. This in-between motionless zombie existence. WTF?

I’ve heard that the one med I’m on causes weight gain (yup) and also increases tiredness (yes again). I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I don’t want to see friends. I don’t want to talk with them. I don’t want to do anything. I just. don’t. care. anymore.

Posted in finding happiness at 50, women's health | Tagged , , , | 18 Comments

I Dropped Off

Posted on July 10, 2022 by janieleeds

I feel like I’ve been dropped off the face of the earth. As tired as I am from the surgery and subsequent painful healing, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’m in this weird transition phase (for lack of a better word) and I can’t seem to explain it.

I am just existing. Perhaps that gives you an inkling into what I’m experiencing. I spend the day in the family room at my home with the kids upstairs taking care of the dog. Netflix and me chill out for hours with my butt on the new recliner waiting for the dog to bound down the stairs to go outside for a potty break or the kids to tell me they’re hungry or for them to check on me with meds or taking my BP (blood pressure) because I can’t do it myself.

Otherwise, there’s nothing. And I have no interest in talking to friends really. I used to be on the phone all day, all night, chatting happily to friends. But now? Nah…I don’t know what to say. I’m just trying to get through the day.

Maybe I’m depressed, I don’t know. I feel like nobody understands me because how could they? They haven’t been through this and I can’t really explain how I feel. I just don’t care really and that’s so not me. People are nice to me and I’m like, that’s nice. I’ll send a thank you note. But otherwise? Nothing.

I’m flatlining…heart pun, heart joke. Get it? Bad joke really. But you know what I mean?

I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m sad. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t understand what this is that I’m going through at all. It’s so not like me. Then again, who am I anymore?

Back to the drawing board Janie…I guess at 55 we’ve got to find our authenticity again….want to ride with me anyone?

Posted in finding happiness at 50, health, heart | Tagged , | 16 Comments