New Fiction: Boutilier House for newsletter subscribers Oct 31st!

Hey all,

This post is pretty much right what it says in the title. My newsletter will be sent out October 31st, and it’s gonna be packed full of the nonsense that is my life and writing.

Also, it will contain a new short story I’ve been working on, Boutilier House. You can have access to said short story if you sign up before October 31st 2021 (when the newsletter will be sent out).

If you’re a discerning reader, and would like to try before you buy (to be clear this is a free newsletter), you can check out the sample newsletter I posted back in July. It also had some exclusive fiction, titled Master of Secrets, set in my Egypt and Dinosaur universe. (if you’re curious what the hell that is, look no further than ICYMI: Narmer and the God Beast Live on Amazon! It not only contains a link to an already published short story, but also all the links and info you could ever need to know about what inspired this crazy idea).

But if you’re like “Hey! Halloween is coming!” and are more in the mood for haunted nonsense, you’ll definitely be more interested in Boutilier House. Essentially, it’s the story of a Victorian Age gentleman who is cajoled by his father-in-law to leave his wife and kid behind to investigate the methods of a ‘perfect house’, built by a mysterious inventor, which will see to your every need. He discovers there is more at play in Boutilier House than fancy tech, and he’ll need to unravel all of the house’s secrets in order to save himself and the family he thought safely at home . . .

I posted a preview of Boutilier House a few weeks ago, and a little glimpse into my revision process just last Friday.

But to get the full and complete story of Boutilier House, you’ll need to (of course) sign up for my newsletter before October 31st 2021!

Ok. That’s the last I’m gonna harp on that. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. Are you intrigued? Why or why not? Thanks again and I’ll see you all next week (Or maybe Sunday if you sign up!).

Rewrites: Boutilier House

Last week, I posted a preview of October’s newsletter exclusive fiction and announced the story had been sent off to my writing group for critique (wow that is a long link).

Well the results are in, and as with every first draft, Boutilier House needs some help. This part of the process for me always seems to be the most difficult, and usually I spend large swaths of time ignoring whatever feedback I receive (and the entire piece for that matter) to either work on new ideas that have crept into my head, or catch up on reading or learning craft.

This is a dangerous time for stories . . .

It’s so easy to let them linger in this purgatory indefinitely. But my October 31st deadline is approaching quickly so there’s no time for dawdling. In an effort to try and inspire myself to actually finish the piece, and to show my work, I thought it might be fun to post some of the feedback I received, and maybe talk a little bit about my approach to fixing some of the problems.

Wish me luck!

The Feedback:

  • Had a ‘The Shining’ feel to it.
  • A little tough getting out of the gate. info dump on Page 2.
  • Choppy language in the beginning. Smooth out the language in the beginning.
  • Needed more grounding in the beginning.
  • Was confusing who all the characters were?
  • What’s the house’s motivation? Why serve Adam and then trap him. Why not trap him from the beginning?
  • Was the house collecting souls to power it?
  • Did Adam’s wife and kid die? (one reviewer thought yes; another thought no)
  • A little more backstory on the scientist maybe.
  • Ending was confusing. Vague endings are allowable but it needs to be on purpose.
  • Middle was good at building tension.
  • Shorten maybe?
  • Reviewers knew what was going on by page 6 or so.

The Stuff I’m proud of and hopefully won’t change:

(Because it’s important to celebrate your wins as well as improve upon your losses)

The Shining feel to it – Woah! This is awesome feedback. I can’t say I’ve really tried to emulate Stephen King in any way when trying to write the piece, but I can see that perhaps my plot has a similar trajectory. My critique partners also mentioned that it was different too, so I don’t think I have to worry about being a knock-off. I think I can keep this element the same.

Middle was good at building tension – This is also great as (for me) the middle of the story is always the most difficult. It’s a) usually the longest section, and b) perhaps the most critical for keeping a reader’s attention. In the beginning, the reader is intrigued by the premise, and at the end they’re (hopefully) dying to see how it all ends up. But what do they have to hold on to in the middle? It’s a hard spot, and in my opinion, where most books suffer. It seams to have worked out this time, so I don’t want to change anything there.

(This is dually good because I haven’t read a lot of horror, or scary stories/books, and have never tried to study them much — which I think I’d like to do someday now I’ve tried this piece — so I was going completely on instinct)

Stuff I need to improve:

Choppy/confusing who characters were/info dumpy beginning – Yikes. Ya hate to hear this kind of feedback, but it’s better to hear it than to never hear it and have all these problems in your final draft. What’s interesting here, is that this reaction may have stemmed from the fact that I cut an entire scene from the beginning in which Mr. Cunningham and Adam have dinner, and discuss his happiness along with Helen’s and Lexy’s, and what Adam wants for the future. Then Adam hops in a carriage to go to the house and much of the eeriness I tried to show in Mathieu’s character actually happens on the carriage ride, not in the Fourier of the house.

It was like 2,000 words and put the piece way over my word budget (I always aim for 6,000ish words for short stories because that’s what the critiquing group will be able to read). I decided to cut it and allude to the scene when I felt I needed to. Apparently I did not allude to it enough?

Hopefully I can fix this in the final draft.

As for the info dump? I totally see it, and am a little sad because it was something I knew going in might be a problem but hoped I got away with it (if there is one thing I’ve learned so far from writing it is that if you’re nervous about something, the critique group WILL mention it. Spend the time to get it to your liking before submitting).

There are no less than four paragraphs devoted to the layout of the house on page two. There is probably only six paragraphs on that entire page. In hindsight, it seems especially egregious because, for the most part, these rooms are not the rooms which most of the action takes place in (with the exception perhaps of one scene in the dining room).

And finally, the choppiness . . . It’s a little hard to know. Usually I feel like I have a pretty good ear for this sort of thing, but I’ll admit that since I only finished my draft last Friday morning, it’s possible that I don’t have enough distance from the piece for it to stand out to me. However, I can already glean a little from the opening:

“The first thing about Boutilier House which set Adam on edge were the locks. There were none.

For a house — no a palace — such as this, Adam had suspected that every porcelain dish in the China cabinets, or any gilded vase along the entry table might somehow prove under lock and key. Perhaps even the guest book was bolted upon its wood and silver pedestal.

But it was simply not the case.

Adam might have nicked the polished gold nightjars roosting on the table runner as easy as removing candy from its wrapper. In his youth, perhaps he might have, just because he could.

But Mr. Cunningham had not sent him here for larks.

https://alligatorsandaneurysms.wordpress.com/2021/10/15/october-newsletter-fiction-preview-draft-sent-our-for-critique/

There’s a kind of formula here that keeps repeating itself. Long sentence or paragraph followed by a short sentence which is its own paragraph or maybe just a single word. Repeat.

(see what I did there? I’m still doing it! haha)

Also, I use an em dash to interrupt a thought — which is a stylistic thing that I like and knowingly put in my work — then a second em dash to continue the original thought. I’ll admit that counting them in the opening section, there’s at least six (though not all paired like that). I don’t think there are any rules on how many em dashes one should use in a piece or how often, but six is probably excessive. Perhaps we can get rid of some of them for the final product.

Ending was too vague / confusing, more backstory, what were Adam’s and the House’s Motivations – Hearing your character’s (and villain’s) motivations are unclear is always a hard pill to swallow. In terms of the House itself, I think the critique has great insight and actually pointed out a spot I was blind to while writing. I didn’t really think through why the house was doing the things it was doing. Why serve them in the way that it does only to trap them later on? I’ll have to think on this and come up with something good.

I don’t want to go to far into this because SPOILERS and I want there to be some reason for y’all to read the story, but already the mind is working . . . this is the fun part 🙂

Conclusion?

Well, there’s definitely work to do. I think the things I talked about above should give me a good start at least. The rest we’ll have to see about, but hopefully I’ll be able to think through it in the same manner.

Of course the primary objective of this post was for me to think through some of what I needed to fix in the story, but I must confess there was a second objective as well. Since this piece will be published through my newsletter, I was hoping that getting a look behind the scenes might entice you to sign up for said newsletter. Do so before October 31st (when it goes out this quarter), and you’ll get the completed version of this story in your inbox. As some added incentive, I’ll also email you the first story I ever wrote when you sign up.

Thank you in advance for any that do, and no worries for those that don’t. There will be plenty more opportunities I’m sure.

In the mean time, what did y’all think of this post? Was it interesting? Would you want to see more of this type of thing in the future? Any of solutions you can think of to the problems I’ve listed above? Please let me know in the comments.

Thanks and see you next time!

October Newsletter Fiction Preview + Draft Sent out for Critique

So . . . I’m going to be about a month late on this newsletter. My goal is to have updates about my life and writing sent out every quarter as a kind of supplement to the posts I do here on the blog. I’m hoping to have things like sales and special offers (when I finally have some published works) and info about new releases. But I’m hoping the real drive will be exclusive fiction which I’ll write every quarter that will be for members of the newsletter only (if any of that sounds cool please sign up for my newsletter)

But this month, it didn’t quite go as planned. Publishing Narmer and The God Beast and the promotion I did for it took up a considerable amount of my time. I did manage to hack out a zero-draft during a writing retreat I did during Labor Day weekend, but with Pitchwars and other stuff I had not completed much by my October 1st deadline.

So, my new goal is to push the newsletter on October 31st, and have exclusive fiction for subscribers at that point. So far that seems to be going well. I finished my first draft and sent it away to be critiqued this coming Monday. Once that feedback has come through, I can make any tweaks before the 31st deadline.

Then it’s November which is a whole other thing I gotta figure out . . .

Anyway, I thought it might be cool to see a little of what I’ve been working on, and so I’ve posted the first part of the story, Boutilier House, for y’all to read and enjoy. The rest will be sent out with the newsletter on Oct 31st (so sign up!)


Boutilier House

The first thing about Boutilier House which set Adam on edge were the locks. There were none.

For a house — no a palace — such as this, Adam had suspected that every porcelain dish in the China cabinets, or any gilded vase along the entry table might somehow prove under lock and key. Perhaps even the guest book was bolted upon its wood and silver pedestal.

But it was simply not the case.

Adam might have nicked the polished gold nightjars roosting on the table runner as easy as removing candy from its wrapper. In his youth, perhaps he might have, just because he could. 

But Mr. Cunningham had not sent him here for larks. 

No, the prize Adam was to take with him when he left was far more valuable than a few gold trinkets.    

And so it was that the full seven seconds it took Mathieu to respond to his comment about the locks was actually the third thing which set Adam on edge.

“Oh, there are locks Adam — May I call you Adam?” Mathieu said abruptly.

“Oh, um. Of course.” 

Mathieu’s light-blue eyes seemed to brighten slightly as he visibly committed the name to memory. “My father thought of everything when designing the house. Why carry with you a cumbersome ring of keys — which might get lost or stolen — when the house can recognize you and welcome you inside simply by the touch of your hand upon the doorknob?”

Adam had no argument there. It was truly remarkable.

Before coming to clerk for Mr. Cunningham, Adam had fancied himself something of amateur engineer, tinkering here and there as each new trend caught his attention.

But Boutilier’s work simply defied understanding.

“But surely it can’t remember everyone,” Adam pressed. “Or what if it does remember a past tenet and accidentally lets them in while another guest is here. If the system is mechanical surely there is a way to override — ”

Mathieu held up one finger.

“You must trust us, Adam. Relax. The system works and it has never been wrong. Father has seen to everything.”

Mathieu turned slightly so that his body no longer impeded entry into the house. He gestured invitingly at the large greeting area, flanked by two enormous wooden staircases which bent around and behind a door on the first story.

“Come,” he said simply. “Let me show you around.” 

As they walked, Adam could see doorways leading to the different wings of the house along the left and right walls of the entryway, but Mathieu lead him through a center door instead.

“In here is the dining area.”

Mathieu gestured to a long and narrow room, with an equally long and slightly narrower wooden table. Cabinets lined each of the walls, filled with glass and porcelain in every shape and size of plate or cup Adam could imagine. Those automated doors must work well indeed if nothing had been taken.

“Simply let the house know what you would like to eat, and it will be served upon your request,” said Mathieu as they left the dining area, and went back the way they’d come. He picked a staircase and began climbing. 

“The master bedroom will be through that center door. The bath is at the end of the hall on your right.”

Mathieu continued to lead Adam through the house, mixing in bits of the Boutilier’s family history with the amenities Adam could expect from his stay in the mansion. Apparently, this had been Gregoire Boutilier’s first house upon coming to the new world. He’d lived there with his three children, Roseline, Joel, and Isabelle.  

But it wasn’t long before Adam began listening with only half an ear. The house was large, yes, and clearly furnished with the highest quality of accommodations, but aside from the locks, displayed nothing of the marvel Mr. Cunningham had described when they’d met for dinner last week.

Nothing that would warrant the abrupt separation from his wife and toddling daughter.

Adam felt his jaw clench as he remembered Helen’s reddened, tear-filled stare through their apartment’s front window. Lexy cried in her arms and Helen soothed her half-heartedly.

All of the arguments Adam had constructed while at dinner with Helen’s father had seemed to mean little when held up against Lexy’s anxiety at their separation, and Helen’s pleas for rest and relief at the end of a long day.

Mr. Cunningham had sent a nanny of course, to help out while Adam was away, but even Adam knew it would not be the same as having both parents at home with their child. Adam speculated briefly what discovery he might make here that might possibly absolve him his absence. 

Nothing came to mind.

Suddenly Adam had very little patience for the number of threads woven into the master bedroom’s sheets or knowing the exact temperature of his bath water when he washed.        

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Adam finally cut Mathieu off. “All of this is very nice. Really top notch. But this is a bit of a business retreat. Is there somewhere I can work? Without being disturbed by the servants that is.” 

Mathieu got that look again, the one in which he appeared to be staring at something far off in the distance. 

“Servants? . . . Work? Ah!” Mathieu said at last. “You must mean the library. Magnificent. One of my favorite parts of the house. My own father spent many of his nights there working on his inventions. Would you like to go there now?”

“Please.”

Mathieu led Adam through a series of twists and turns which did not seem to match any layout Adam had built in his mind of Boutilier’s house, and arrived at the library within a few minutes, though the tour before that had seemed to take much longer.

It seemed nice, a large open room with a domed ceiling that reached several stories. Bookshelves climbing three of the four walls and packed full of books and mechanical devices.

The fourth wall sported two massive windows which must let in plenty of light during the morning and afternoon. 

Adam looked around, judging its fit. That table over there could serve as a workbench. Maybe the chest of drawers which seemed to be a card catalog could contain screws and nuts, bolts and small glassware. 

It would do.

He’d get his project done and then go home to Helen and Lexy before they even processed he was gone.

“Thank you, Mathieu. I think we’re quite finished with the tour now.”

“Of course, sir,” Mathieu said, courteous as ever. “If you need anything, simply ask and the house will provide. 

“You keep saying that . . . Never mind. Where are the switches for these lamps? I should like to get to work immediately, but it will be dark soon.”

Mathieu paused in his way before answering. “Ah! Sorry Adam. I’ve been remiss in my duties. You simply say the house’s name and the house will listen. Normally we would say Boutilier, but we’ve taken into account your English sensibilities, so we’ve asked the house to respond to the English equivalent. Go ahead and give it a shot. All you need do is say the name and ask for what you want.” 

“Butler . . .” Adam tried cautiously. “Please turn on the library’s lights for me.” 

Adams heart felt like it had stopped beating in his chest. 

The library’s lights came on dimly and got slowly brighter until they were bright enough to read by. 

Mr. Cunningham had been right. There was something worth discovering in this house after all. It might even be enough to absolve him.


Anyway, that was the first part of my (hopefully spooky) story. The rest will be released along with the newsletter on October 31st so be sure to sign up!

Please leave any feedback in the comments. See you next time!