What The Fibro?!

Very berry dumplings

strawberry-799597_1920 Summertime. Berries! This is my own recipe and I’m going to say no more except for the fact it doesn’t call for snails 😉 Here it is:

WHAT YOU NEED:

1.5 cup cooked white rice
200 g white rice flour
80g oat flour
80g ground golden flax seed
2 cups of strawberries and blueberries mixed together (strawberries should be sliced or chopped). My personal favorite are with plums, but apples would work as well
1 Tbsp sugar
big pot of boiling water

HOW TO:

mix the flours with flax seed and sugar
add hot cooked rice and, using a hand blender, mix it to create a consistent dough that will be elastic but not sticky. Tip: use corn or potato starch, if you feel like you need to add more flour and use gloves for the entire process of kneading and stuffing dumplings
take off pieces of dough, and creating a hole, stuff it with fruit, then close it, forming a ball. Remember not to put too much or the dumpling won’t close and will fall apart
bring water to boil and put dumplings in, about 6-8 at a time and stir
they’re ready when they have popped to the surface

Serve with sour cream mixed with a little bit of sugar and some fresh fruit. Enjoy!

It’s the simple foods that make me (us?) happy – sandwiches, scrambled/fried eggs, pizza, guacamole. The simpler the better. But simple doesn’t mean bad quality. It means few ingredients, that combined together, make amazing food. I’ve never been a fan of the sophisticated, posh kind of restaurants and the dishes they serve – like one grilled shrimp with a piece of lettuce for $50. I’m not saying it’s not any good. But it’s not for me. I like stuffing myself to the point where I can’t move and I would have to eat 20 shrimp at least – that makes it $1000! Holy crap! 😀 And, btw, I hate shrimp and all the sea food, except fish – I could eat fish all week long.

As you know, I’m Polish and today is about my favorite simple Polish food – PIEROGI! And yes, it’s pierogi, not pierogies. Pierogi is already plural, since one dumpling is called ‘pieróg’. Now, here’s a tricky part – when I say simple, I mean it ingredients wise, meaning it doesn’t require a lot of them. But pierogi are not simple when it comes to time. They’re definitely time consuming and usually will take up to 3h to get everything ready, preparing the stuffing included.

Had I been writing this piece before March this year, I would have given you a recipe for the most delicious dough you could ever imagine. Velvety, soft, elastic and simply melting in your mouth. It’s like eating clouds, no joke here! But since I’ve found out I have celiac, I had to give up all my favorite foods, that happen to be full of gluten and learn how to live without them or substitute them with something else, not always successfully. I’ve tried few gluten free dough recipes and I haven’t found my favorite one yet. But the one I’m writing about today is the best so far. That doesn’t mean it’s THE best of all. Only best so far. I’m not discouraging you, you should still try it.. But I’m still looking for a perfect recipe, that will come out at least half as good as my original recipe. Today’s recipe is not completely mine – I’ve used someone else’s idea and modified it to my liking. The key ingredient in the dough is millet, as it provides glue to the whole structure, so if you don’t like millet, you might not like the dough – fair warning. All ingredients used here are gluten free.

Ready??? Here we go!

What you need:

DOUGH

200g white rice flour

80g potato starch

80g oat flour

100g uncooked millet

80g ground flax seed (I used the gold one)

400ml hot water

3 Tbsp of oil

1 tsp salt

STUFFING

2lb potatoes boiled and mashed

1.5lb farmer’s cheese

1 big Vidalia onion

salt and pepper

*for a non vegetarian version you can also add chopped and fried pieces of bacon

HOW TO:

combine potatoes with farmer’s cheese and mix well
chop the onion and fry until golden brown, then add to the potato and cheese mix
add salt and pepper to taste

cook millet according to the instruction on the package. The proportions should be 2 units of water to 1 unit of millet. 100g is about a half a cup of millet, so use 1 cup of water to cook it
in a bowl mix flours with flax seed. Add oil, salt, hot water and stir. Add cooked millet and use a hand blender to get a nice, consistent dough. Leave it in the bowl for 5 min to rest
sprinkle potato/corn starch on the surface where you’ll be kneading the dough. Take the dough out of the bowl and cover with the starch first, then start kneading and do so for about 2 minutes, adding more starch if needed. Dough should be elastic but not sticky.
using a rolling pin, create a not too thin circle
using a pint glass, or any other glass with a big opening, start cutting circles, trying to cut as close to each other as possible. Make sure to lift it from the cutting surface as soon as possible to avoid sticking.
put about a tsp equivalent of the stuffing in the middle of each circle and start forming them into pierogi shape
Meanwhile prepare a big pot of boiling water, put some salt in and some oil
put prepared pierogi in boiling water, around 12 at a time, to avoid sticking (again). They will be ready when they come out to the surface.

Serve with chopped onions, fried to golden brown and a dollop of sour cream as well as salt and pepper to taste. Personally, I prefer these gluten free pierogi the next day, when you can fry them in a pan or even deep fry, since the millet dough tastes better this way.

Again, this is a gluten free recipe, so you might not be impressed with the results. But if you don’t have to be on a GF diet, go for the original recipe, it’s so worth it, I cannot even express it! I can provide one, if anyone’s interested.

A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb*

Tomorrow will be a full week since I have started the Plaquenil treatment. Results so far? None. I don’t feel any difference at all. I might have a tiny bit more energy in the middle of a day, but other than that, no fireworks here.

Every day I wake up feeling, like a steam roll has driven all over me couple of times throughout the night. My joints hurt, ache, scream. They’re incredibly stiff. And the pain that goes with it is surely hard to handle as a first thing in the morning. I used to be a morning person but that’s not a case anymore. I used to be this cheerful, full of morning energy girl and my husband would almost hate me for that, since he would drink his coffee from the mug that said ‘ Don’t ask me until I’ve had my coffee’. Nowadays I get up cranky as hell, bent in half from all the joint pain and unless I stretch the hell out of myself, I have to wait at least an hour for it go go away enough for me to start another day. And I’m not wired for that day at all. All I long for, is my bed, to be back there, pull the blankets over my head and sleep all day. But I have a toddler, so that won’t cut it.

And so I start my day with a handful of pills:

stomach medication (for gastritis)
2 antidepressants
first dose of Plaquenil
allergy medication
flax seed oil pill (Omega 3 acids for my eyes, by ophthalmologist order)
stool softener that makes you mentally feel like you’re 80, cause why would you have to take it at 34? But the truth is, autoimmune diseases f…ck up your digestive system and I have 3 of them, so…
prescription eye drops (Chronic Dry Eye)
prescription steroid nasal spray (to prevent sinus infections, that I get at least twice a year)
also, in the last 2 months, I’m on a 3rd antibiotic course

I think that covers it for now and, of course, I realize it might not even be close to how many more most of you have to take.

Stuffed with all that ‘goodness’ that’s supposed to come out of those drugs, I start my day. And if they only added any nutritional value to them, I wouldn’t have to have breakfast, getting all the nutrients from the pills.

We take all those meds and most of the time they don’t make us feel better, so why do we even take them? Hoping, that ‘maybe’ ? I’ve been through 5 different antidepressants since March and nothing is really doing its job. I realize it takes time, but most of them made me extremely sick or anxious or gave me headaches beyond any painkiller. And perhaps all it takes to cure my depression, is to get rid of the symptoms of the autoimmune diseases that are eating me away, but that’s not happening either. So I wait again, patiently, wasting my life meantime, while I could be spending it fruitful, playing and goofing around with my son. But I’m so weary, fatigued and simply exhausted beyond any understanding, that all I can do recently is to put some educational tv on for him and be with him and make sure he doesn’t fall of the chair/sofa/tv stand/table/dog cage – pick one.

I upped my dose of Plaquenil last night to twice a day, now that my body has gotten used to it. Maybe it will finally kick in and help me feel like a human being again? Because that last 15 years of my life have been a real torture and just a simple vegetation. And who wants to be a vegetable when they can be human?

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*Marilyn Manson ‘Coma White’

I’m a wolf

No, I don’t have fangs, or fur, neither do I howl. Although right now all I can think of is howling to the moon, out of misery that is. It’s been suspected for few months now, that I might have lupus but we only decided for sure today to start the treatment. ‘We’ meaning my rheumatologist and I, and I just took my first pill of Plaquenill. the last few weeks have shown that every time I experience an exposure to sun, I end up sick. Whether it’s dizzy, or fatigued or nauseated, there’s always some side effect to me being in the sun.

Me, a person, who loves sun. Who could spend an entire day in the garden, or reading a book in a lawn chair, or simply on the beach. At least I used to be able to do those things without any issues, until few years ago, when I started connecting the dots between my being in the sun and getting terrible fibro flare ups. And only recently I connected those dots completely, to receive a full picture and the picture said – no more sun for you, dear.

So here I am, crying, freaking out, trying to figure out my life without sandals and in a big floppy hat throughout the summer. How am I supposed to do my gardening now, being all covered up? I’m going to melt in the sun and simply swim out of any clothes I’ll be wearing. How am I supposed to be a mother to my son and take him to the park, pool or play with him in our backyard, without getting sick after 5 minutes?

I haven’t digested this whole thing yet. I was ready to start a treatment just for a simple reason of hoping, to finally get better. But only when it stroke me, that – here it is, here’s your first dose of lupus medication – I felt miserably upset, if there’s such a thing.

I have recently gotten in touch with a girl, who was on a lupus medication for 3 years and ended up almost losing her entire sight. Her vision is completely messed up right now, irreversible from what I can tell, but she’s hoping to find a way to fix it. Her doctor had never worn her about the side effects of the drug, so she couldn’t’ have known what to pay attention to and to get her eyes tested every 6 months, while being on that drug. I’m hoping for her, she can find a way. I’m squeezing all my fingers and toes and wishing her the best luck. Because if, and let’s hope it’s ‘when’ rather, if she finds a way out of a impaired vision, there’s hope for all of us.

Now I can start living like a real vampire, hidden from the light of sun, coming out to live after sunset. Isn’t that exciting???

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The one about Asia (not the continent)

Asia (pron. Ash:a) is a Polish diminutive for Joanna. It’s also my close friend’s name. A friend, who had suffered a ruptured aneurysm on June 5th last year and has remained in a hospital ever since.

Why am I writing about her? Because every time I feel hopeless, sick and depressed, I think about Asia and feel terrible right away. Because right next to hers, my problems don’t seem to be so troubling. Not that they aren’t at all, but even with the worst fibro/lupus/depression onset, I’m nowhere near to what she’s going through. Brain surgeries, tubes stuck in her body for almost a year, being glued to a bed for such a long time your own body forgets what it’s like to move. I don’t want to go into details, I want to respect her privacy and not write about her current looks (and she’ll always be beautiful), what she has to go through every day, what kind of torturous therapies she has to face. But she’s made such a great progress already. While still not being able to move freely, she can communicate with a pen and a piece of paper, and sometimes she speaks a little. She can finally feed herself, in a limited manner of course, and eat something solid, instead of IV fluids. She will give you thumbs up when she’s happy and agrees to something, or thumbs down and a frowny face and dirty look when she doesn’t feel like doing something – like last weekend, when I took her for a stroll in her wheelchair down the hospital corridors, despite her thumbs down to that. But I said – tough poopies, Asia, you need to see something else than just those four walls, let’s look through a window in a hall, let’s see some green trees. And here’s when my 2 year old starts counting carts of a passing train – two, nine, ten, fourteen, sixteen, two. Oh well 😀

Yes, I took him with me and it wasn’t the first time. I took him, because as much as I would like my dear friend to see as many people from her life as possible, I’d also like for my son to remember Asia not just how she was before but the way she is right now, in this hopefully passing state. On our way to the hospital, when I told him who we were going to see, he said: Asia’s scary. And that worried me and made me exceptionally upset. But I understood a child’s reaction to a scary hospital environment. And whether he remembers Joanna (doubtfully, cause he was too young) from last year, or not, I’m sure the current picture of her is not his favorite one. But he did great! At first he was shy and not too eager to engage in a conversation, but after a while he would blow her a kiss and say her name and then say good bye to her. And it was one of the most precious moments I will forever cherish. I want him to be sensitive to those things. I want him to understand there are people who need us, and one day we might need them the same way. And friends are forever, or at least they should be. We don’t’ abandon them just because they’re sick.

That was 4 days ago and already yesterday he kept asking me in the car: see Asia today, yes? He already wants to go back and see her again and I couldn’t be more proud of this little, tiny person with this amazing personality and heart.

I can’t believe it’s already been a year and I wish the events of that horrific night would have had a different impact on those dear lives around me. I can’t turn back the time, but I can make sure I don’t’ forget. Joanna has 2 amazing daughters, who need her and who love her with all their hearts. It’s too hard to write more, this will tell the rest:

https://www.gofundme.com/Joannarecovery?fb_action_ids=10207520382993078&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=m_d_ty

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If you’re sick and might have Lupus clap your hands (clap, clap)

According to my rheumatologist, my rheumatoid markers quadrupled since my last blood work and only because it’s happened over the course of 4 years and not 4 months, he wasn’t extremely alarmed. But yet, concerned enough to suggest we might be dealing with lupus and I should consider a certain treatment – Plaquenil (has anyone tried it?). He then warned me about its most significant side effect – possible loss of vision. That, of course, doesn’t happen over night but if you use this medication for a long period of time, you’re at risk. He told me to see an ophthalmologist for an eye exam. This way he’ll know my current sight condition and we can monitor it during the treatment, keeping an eye (literally) on any signs of worsening. I have to say I was very appreciative of him being so straight forward, cautious and preventative, as not too many doctors take that approach, unfortunately.

So here I am, few weeks later, having read tons and tons of articles about Lupus and thinking that I probably have it. I’ve read about it before and the idea had crossed my mind but to be facing the possibility is quite a different situation. I’m not going crazy, not projecting ‘what ifs’ and such, but I am concerned enough. The history shows I don’t react well to most of the medications, regardless what they’re for – fibromyalgia, depression, antibiotics, pain killers and more, hence there’s a slight chance that yet another one won’t agree with me. Yey! Well, I guess I’ll be worrying for real once I’ve decided to start the treatment and will be able to experience any possible side effects first hand.

As it is with most autoimmune disorders, when our own body is trying to finish us off, it’s hard to diagnose it for certain. There are no definite blood tests or other exams to determine – yes, you definitely have fibromyalgia/lupus/brain farts/wicked thoughts/other, take your pick. Most diagnosis is based on a clinical observation and patients’ own, hm, intuition?

For the last few years I’ve been thinking about how we all get so sick all the time. It’s almost like ages ago all over again, except we don’t die of herpes and small pox. We die of civilization. I’m not one of those hippies eating just roots and using olive oil as their only cosmetic, but I’m pretty sure this is all our doing. Whatever we’ve done to this planet we’re living on, it’s coming back at us and I’m not talking about the ozone hole. Look at the mass meat production, enhanced with hormones and drugs. Genetic engineering, which is not always bad, but still very controversial and dangerous in the wrong hands. Pesticides (our beloved Monsanto), fast foods (stop eating that shit) and other foods, especially here in the US, that are banned in other countries: bleached flour – why? who needs a snow white bread??? Fat free chips – seriously??? Toxic coloring in sodas and energy drinks – that neon yellow soda must taste delicious and natural. I could go on and on. And believe me, I’m not the one without guilt. I happen to eat chips (not the fat free ones, yuck) or drink Coke sometimes but it’s really occasionally, especially since my celiac diagnose, where I have a limited choice of snacks. So I’m not pointing fingers, but if you live on burgers and pizza and the only fluid you nourish your body with is soda, you have a serious problem. Whatever is making us sick is in what we eat and what we breathe. It’s in the world we have created for ourselves. And it’s a never ending process, because as long as there are people trying to fix it and find a cure, before you know it someone else pops up with yet another great idea of how to improve our civilization and they all just keep running around, chasing their tails.

Well, there goes my rant 😀 A piece about lupus became an accidental lecture on environment. It’s just a stream of thoughts that are haunting me. Quod me nutrit me destruit

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What?! Cold beet soup?

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Summertime calls for summer meals – hot soups and stews retire until late fall, when you can get the best out of them. The soup I have for you today might come as a shocker if you’re not Eastern European. Or if you don’t know what borscht (barszcz) is. If you do, and more over if you like it, you’re one step closer to liking this one. I would lie if I said it was love at first sight. Na-ah. As much as I loved hot borscht made by my grandma (served in a bowl with chopped boiled potatoes), I couldn’t stand a thought of swallowing a cold version of this soup. Boy, was I wrong all those years! They say people’s taste changes a couple of times throughout their lives and I guess my appetite for a cold beet soup had to wait to come out of its closet. Give it a try, really. If you don’t like it, no one is twisting your arm to continue eating it. But you might be missing out on one of the most pleasant culinary experiences of your life, if you at least don’t try.

This recipe calls for young beets, with all their leaves. You won’t be able to recreate this soup once the summer is over, since it just won’t taste the same and old beets leaves are not quite as appetizing as the young ones 😉

What you need:

2 bunches of young beets with leaves
vegetable bullion (depending on the size of your pot, anywhere from 1.5 -2.5lb). I use Swanson, since they have a pure vegetarian and gluten free option
lemon juice – to taste, at least out of 1/2 a lemon, but shouldn’t be more than 1 whole lemon
3-5 small cucumbers – you might want to use the small pickling ones, those are the best match here. But honestly, any fresh, green cucumber will do just perfectly. If you use one of the big guys, 1 will be more than enough
fresh herbs: chives and dill – half a bunch of each
radishes – 1 bunch
2lb (or 32oz, or 1 l) natural plain yogurt (not the Greek or Bulgarian one)- I use whole fat but you can use whichever you want. You can replace yogurt with kefir or mix it half/half, but the soup will have a more tangy flavor
2 small or 1 large pressed garlic clove
if you’re adventurous, make sure you have few hard boiled eggs on hand. Later I’ll tell you what for
salt and fresh ground pepper to taste
large size pot

How to:

Wash the beets with their leaves thoroughly, making sure to remove any bad ones. Chop finely
Put them into a pot and cover with bullion. You only need enough to cover the beets
Cook until soft – depending on how young the beets really are, this might take anywhere from 15 to 30 min
When beets are cooked, remove from the stove and set aside to cool off. Don’t pour out the liquid!
Meanwhile, peel and chop or shred your cucumbers. Do the same with radishes and herbs
Once the beets have cooled off, add the cucumbers, radishes, herbs and lemon juice
Add yogurt
Add salt and pepper to taste and put in the fridge for at least 2h

When the soup has chilled long enough, here’s when the hard boiled eggs come handy – simply halve or quarter them and place on op of your soup. Enjoy!

P.S. My picture is missing the eggs, since I ate my portion before I remembered to take pictures :), but I always eat mine with hard boiled eggs.

P.S.2 You will fall in love with this soup’s color!

When writer’s block hits

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last post and I’ve been yearning to write but couldn’t get myself to do it. For many reasons. The weather was miserable and, unsurprisingly so was I. I also had a major depression onset, partially caused by the never-ending rains but also ‘just because’. Because when depression comes, it doesn’t ask permission to join and sit at your table. It walks into your life with its gigantic, stinky feet and you can try holding your breath, but how long can you do it really???

So after it had finally stopped raining, the sun came out and so did the humidity. New York humidity, bless her heart What do you do when that bitch hits? Unless you’re the lucky one with a central AC, you pray you can get your AC units installed in your windows asap, before you run out of fresh air to breathe. And when that happens, unless you have a pool, you sit your ass at home and try not to go crazy, being closed in your own 4 walls. And if you have a toddler on top of that, you’re screwed. I say it with confidence, because I’m screwed myself. I have a 27lbs ball of constant energy at home and if all the scientists of the world would peek into my house and see my son in action, they would finally see with their own eyes what the real perpetum mobile is. He actually just recently tested positive for flu (after the flu season was officially over, go figure) and even with 104°F fever, he was still running around the house and jumping like a baby goat. I didn’t get one of those calm, shy, cuddly little things when I left the hospital with a newborn. I got the Prince of Chaos himself!

For the last few weeks he’s been walking around the house saying ‘where hella go?’ and for the sake of me, neither me nor my husband knew what he meant – and we’ve been able to decipher pretty much most of his babble so far. It only stroke us finally, while watching Frozen for the 345837495 time… Are you following? : ‘Hella go, hella go, can’t hold it back anymore’. So all this time he was asking for the movie and we would just nod and pretend we understood, like most parents do anyway 😉

Now I’ll tell you how to best put your entire body purposely through agony, especially if you have Fibro or any other of those ‘fun’ illnesses:

Step 1 – feel good enough to remember you used to have hobbies and maybe it’s time to pick up where you last left off.

Step 2 – get your power tools and other toys and take on a ton of furniture make-over projects. No, not for sale. Your own furniture, cause it’s been sitting around and waiting for you to find time. And since you’re currently home on disability, you have plenty of time. Supposedly, that’s what they say, cause I feel like I have none.

Step 3 – pick the hottest day of the week, with the highest humidity level possible. Spend 3h outside sanding, stripping and fixing furniture.

Yup. Been there, done that. More than once, believe it or not. When I set my mind on something, I need to get it done and not too many circumstances can stop me. And when I work on my projects, I forget to eat and use the bathroom. I just work. And drink gallons of water. I could do this all day long if I didn’t have a family to feed some dinner to (sandwiches don’t always cut it 😉 ) and errands to run.

But it feels good. We need to remember, that amongst all those obstacles life is throwing at us, whatever the illness and condition, we need to live our life the best way possible. We need to feel happy, cause otherwise what’s the point? The point is, you get down and depressed and then it’s no fun anymore. I’m currently still waiting for the final say about my disability status and those people have no idea what they’re doing. Monkeys would do much better job. And my 2 year old Prince of Chaos son as well. Over 2 months in and they still can’t make up their mind and keep missing my paperwork! Meanwhile, I’m only collecting fracture of the money, which causes additional stress and makes me want to shoot myself and them immediately right after.

I’m off to pick up my delicious and scrumptious toddler from day care and figure out what to make for dinner. Any gluten free&vegetarian ideas?

Peace!

P.S. By the way, today (June 1st) is the International Children’s Day, so do yourself a favor and explore your inner child once more. Enjoy!

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Why depression sucks

Depression has many faces and don’t be fooled, because happy people fall into that trap as often as the not so happy ones. How do we get happy or unhappy depends on the circumstances, background, upbringing, personal beliefs and many others. Sometimes, like myself, you might also get freakishly unhappy on a gluten free diet, which I have to observe due to celiac disease. It’s not as terrible as I thought, but boy, do I miss my favorite chocolate pralines or loaded-with-gluten NY style pizza…

Now, let me tell you something about being sad and/or upset. You’ve had a rough day at work/school, someone pissed you off or verbally hurt you, you’re missing someone significant in your life, you fall into the ‘listening-to-sad-songs’ trap and temporarily take over their mood, or you can’t eat gluten 😉 – that can make you sad, really upset. But being sad will last few hours, maybe a day or two and then it usually subsides, because your every day life brings something silly and totally goofy, something that you like or cherish and you can easily smile again. It goes away pretty much as quickly as a squirrel in my front yard when my dog tries to jump out the window to catch it. That’s what being sad basically is. And it’s not an illness, you don’t take drugs for being sad – I’m not counting wine or any other alcohol. That is an ancient, natural, organic medicine everyone should have access to (wink wink). How lucky we are we don’t need a prescription for it??? You don’t need to take sick days for that, you don’t struggle to survive yet another day. But if you do, then it’s quite possible you are depressed. And how would you know, anyway? How do you realize whether you’re depressed or just exhausted and stressed out? I’ll tell you how:

when you’ve lost all your motivation – you’re most likely depressed
when you’re extremely fatigued and have no energy, without any particular reason – you’re most likely depressed
when you lose interest in activities you previously enjoyed, including sex – you’re most likely depressed
when you persistently feel sad, anxious or just feel empty, like that bottle of wine that you might have just drunk to medicate your aching soul – you’re most likely depressed
when you can’t sleep at night, or quite the opposite, you feel like you could sleep all day and still wouldn’t feel rested – you’re most likely depressed
when you have feelings of unexplained guilt, and you feel helpless and worthless (basically feel like shit); when your entire body aches, you have constant headaches, cramping, digestive problems; when for the love of God/Buddha/Allah/ and others (pick one) you can’t remember certain details, you’re unable to make a decision and you’re having hard times concentrating – you’re most likely depressed
and last, but not least – when you realize the world would be better without you, or you’d like the overall pain to go away and you think maybe that’s the direction to go to – you’re DEFINITELY depressed. And at this point you need HELP!

Suicidal ideations are the sign that you’ve reached the point where you can no longer cope with all that pain. Whether they are active or passive, it doesn’t really matter – what matters is that you’re even entertaining this idea. You might not really want to kill yourself, but you’re so exhausted being a wreck of a man, that you’re starting to consider: maybe it would be better ‘if’? Or you might already have a detailed plan how to do it. Or you just spontaneously go with it (excuse my sarcasm). No matter the scenario, you should never think this is the solution. Never-ever!

And I know what I’m saying, for I’ve been there. I’ve had passive thoughts of relieving myself from that aching, thinking – maybe I would be happier this way. But you know who wouldn’t be happier? The ones, who stay there to outlive you and it’s your freaking duty and responsibility to think about them. And I knew I could never do it, because I have people to live for. Because it would ruin their lives. And while being depressed is the worst, no shitting you, feeling in the world, this is no place to be an egoist. You have no right to be selfish and decide about those people lives just because you feel like you’re done with it. They will be the ones left out, wondering for the rest of their lives – WHY? Because maybe they had no idea about those dark places you’d been to. Because it’s easy to disguise yourself and pretend everything is OK, and most of us do it this way. Even, when you’re really alone in this world and due to some horrible circumstances you have no family or friends, there’s still hope. Actually, there’s always hope, because one should always hope for the best and no one can take the hope away from you. It’s simply yours, imprinted on your soul and you should use it.

I realize it sounds cliché, like fluffing the couch pillow just to sit on it immediately after – pointless. Because this is how you feel, even when you’re having a better day, all of a sudden someone/something just ‘sits’ on you and you feel squished yet again.

Now, do you see where I’m going with it? The most important thing is to remember that you’re not alone in it. And if you really are, you don’t have to, because there are people out there committed to help you. Seek for help, there’s no shame in it. You’re not weak – you’re sick and that’s a big difference. Your body and soul can be healed, in time. And it won’t be easy; and it won’t be quick. But it will eventually happen. I promise – as long as you are committed to it as well. Talk to someone even if you think it’s too late – it’s not. No matter what kind of depression you’re struggling with. Whether it’s caused by a chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain (like in my case), or psychiatric issues, or autoimmune disease (me again), malnutrition and such, you deserve help and you deserve life. Live it, damn it! 🙂

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My Own Gluten Free Olives&Feta bread

April 30th marked 7 years since I’ve left Poland and moved to New York. I had been here few times before the move, so I mostly knew what to expect. I wasn’t culturally shocked, even though it was very different. I knew the specifics of this country and what they would bring. 7 years in and I’m still getting used to a lot of things but one of the most favorite things in my life – Polish bread, will never find its replacement here. I am truly sorry to say that, but the typical American bread is simply terrible. The idea of wrapping a gummy-like miniature slices of bread in plastic is way beyond my comprehension. And the never-ending list of ingredients in those, and all the different types of sugars – goodness gracious! Why would you need honey, molasses, cane sugar and high fructose corn syrup, all in one piece of bread? The only amount of sugar bread requires is less than a teaspoon, to help the yeast rise. That’s all. This isn’t supposed to be a cake. It’s bread, a simple piece of dough made of as few ingredients as possible – flour, water, yeast, salt, pinch of sugar. Seeds or spices as you wish, when you make special breads.

But I’m not here to criticize. It was crucial though, to mention it, since that was the reason I started my bread making journey all those years ago. White breads, dark breads, yeast breads, no-yeast breads, rolls, baguettes, you name it. My first bread was the consistency of a brick and you could simply commit few murders with it – lethal weapon, I’m telling you…

For no-yeast breads I would make my own starters and failed miserably many times. Once I made a bread starter with addition of few green grapes, as I had read it was a great way to add some bacteria cultures to the starter to ferment better. For the next few days my husband and I couldn’t figure out the source of a foul stench of a moldy cheese left in the desert for a week. It smelled like death and it followed us wherever we went. Well, I guess whoever came with the grape adding idea didn’t take into their consideration the NY climate in the summer. Cause it’s simply a sauna. Take the hottest shower you can imagine, with closed bathroom door and no vent. And that’s what the summer feels like here (reason why I’m dreading visiting Florida, since it’s even worse there). So we bid farewell to the nose cringing grape starter and I had to start from scratch. I had many successes throughout the years, friends would ask me to make breads and rolls for their parties. I also had my share of terrible breads, but hey, that’s how you learn.

As my luck would have it though, suffering for years and not ever being diagnosed, I finally came face to face with celiac disease diagnosis. And it was only 6 weeks ago. My world collapsed. Just like I love potatoes, I love bread as much and I have had gluten free breads before and despised them with all my heart (and all my insides). I got so lost, the first time I stood in front of the Gluten Free isle in the supermarket. I got a panic attack, a real one – the type of panic attack where you can’t sit down in the middle of a store to wind down, so I had to call my husband and have him talk me through it so I could calm down. I’ve tried few store breads so far and I don’t wish to spend money on any more right now, hence I decided to start making them. I’ve made few, mostly successful ones, to my surprise. The only problem with those breads however is that they dry up extremely fast and taste best still warm from the oven. It’s a real challenge to make a homemade gluten free bread that will last for days without tasting like cardboard and crumbling all over the place. I’m still working on mastering that, but this particular bread is pretty close to ideal. Here it is, My Own Gluten Free Olive&Feat Bread:

What you need:

I mostly use Bob’s Red Mill flours and will refer to them here as BRM, to keep it shorter

100g BRM Gluten Free oat flour
175g BRM Gluten Free 1:1 baking flour
75g BRM Gluten Free white rice flour
25g BRM Gluten Free brown rice flour
50g BRM Gluten Free Sorghum flour
75g BRM All Purpose Gluten Free baking flour
3tsp BRM Xantham gum
13g dry active yeast (not the quick rise)
550ml warm water
pinch of sugar
1tsp salt – at least but some of you might want more. Gluten Free breads tend to be a little plain in taste, so adding too much sugar with not enough salt effects in a blend tasting bread. I use the pink Himalayan salt, which is less salty than the regular sea salt, so I have to add a bit more. You can always taste the batter beforehand and see if it’s salty enough.
Olives – I use kalamata and the big green ones. For this particular bread I used about 8 kalamata olives and 8 green ones, all halved
Feta cheese (anywhere between 0.20-0.40lb ) – I like Bulgarian or French, since they have a subtle flavor and are very creamy and simply delicious. I can’t stand the flavor of Greek or NY style feta – it just stinks too much and tastes like a rubber manure. Sorry!

Of course, how much feta or olives you’d like to use is up to you, just remember to not overpower the bread with their flavor.

How to:

Preheat oven to 445°F
Grease the loaf pan with a gluten free type of cooking spray, or light olive oil and dust with a gluten free flour
Activate yeast in 50ml of warm water and a pinch of sugar – gently stir together and let sit until it foams
Mix all the flour and salt
Add yeast mixture
Add the remaining 500ml of water
Using a wooden spatula or hands, or even a fork, mix together until fully blended and let sit under cover for about 20 min. I use a bowl with a lid but if you don’t have one, cover with plastic wrap
After 20 min uncover the bowl and stir the batter thoroughly. Add olives and feta. Pour into the pan and let sit for another 10-15 min

It’s crucial that you don’t’ let this bread rise for too long. It will cause cracking and will simply destroy the structure, causing bread to fall apart. Gluten free breads are nothing like the ones with gluten and that’s the first lesson you need to learn.

The batter shouldn’t be liquidy. It should have a quite firm consistency but still be pourable and gooey – something like cookie dough I guess.

If, after pouring the batter into the pan it has filled the entire pan already, put it straight in the oven – and that’s ok, it will come out just right 🙂

Bake the bread for 50-60min. Mine are always ready after 50 min, but it depends on the oven and overall rising conditions. To check if the bread is ready, don’t poke it with a skewer, since it’s a moist bread and will give you a false reading. Take it out of the pan, flip upside down and tap its bottom with your fingers. If you hear a hollow sound, the bread is ready! 🙂 If not, put back into the pan and in the oven and bake for additional 10-15 min, checking again half way through.

Take out of the pan immediately and cool on a cooling rack. It’s best to give it at least 3h to cool down before slicing. I know it will be hard to resist the temptation, but if you cut it too soon, you will cause it to crack and that means crumbling.

Enjoy!