my friend kept making “kill yourself”/“I’m killing myself” jokes in public instinctively without thinking and needed a suitable replacement so the one I immediately came up with off the dome was “walk the plank” and it is ten times funnier
NO HOSTS NO MASTERS 🏴&
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NO HOSTS NO MASTERS 🏴&
@the_corvidae
😷 anarchist plural collective of weird gay animal people | psych abolition now | queer and anti-assimilationist | from the river to the sea 🇵🇸 | #pluralgang
they&/them& (collectively)
Joined October 2021
- rating all the alternatives to “kill yourself” jokes I have seen in these replies 🧵my friend kept making “kill yourself”/“I’m killing myself” jokes in public instinctively without thinking and needed a suitable replacement so the one I immediately came up with off the dome was “walk the plank” and it is ten times funnier
- I am a big fat hairy gay man. Lesbians can be bears. There’s a big overlap in butches and bears. Sometimes they’re called “ursulas”! :) It’s sad to see young queer folks so disconnected from our history. It’s even sadder to see queer people split up into “boy” and “girl” boxes.there's a few! In order: butchbear, femmebear, butchfemmebear, and just lesbian bear! Sometimes they are called ursettes or bearettes ^_^
- Replying to @the_corvidaeshe dropped something and gave me the most miserable despairing look and said “I’m walking the fucking plank” I laughed so hard I almost threw up oh my god
- Replying to @the_corvidae“be on the news” 8/10 - this one is really funny, the ambiguity makes it even funnier but I feel like you also could go oddly specific to greater effect, i.e. “I’m going to be on Dateline NBC this time next year”
- Replying to @the_corvidae“become a statistic” 3,5/10 - heavily depends what demographics you are part of, you cannot use this one directed towards other people only towards yourself which makes it not very versatile, overused joke, you can do better
- Replying to @the_corvidae“pee your pants”/“shit yourself” 7/10 - a little immature but in the end none of us are above a bathroom joke, the idea of saying “I’m going to shit myself” loudly in public is even more embarrassing and alarming than saying “I’m going to kill myself” but it is also funnier
- Replying to @the_corvidae“take a long walk off a short pier” if you are an italian mafia boss: 10/10 - self explanatory if not: 0/10 - be more creative
- Replying to @the_corvidae“explode”/“blow up” 6/10 - simple but very effective, not the most creative but it’s a reliable classic
- Replying to @the_corvidae“receive Canadian healthcare” if you are disabled in Canada: 7/10 - I get the gallows humor sometimes it makes things feel easier if you are not: 0/10 - you are not on the gallows you are cheering in the crowd, walk the plank you piece of shit
- Replying to @the_corvidaeanything about “my 13th reason” 2/10 - old joke referencing an old show, so unbelievably overused, probably the least creative of all of these, it’s literally one of the worst works of art depicting suicide that exists, haven’t you seen The Menu? I promise you can do better
- Replying to @the_corvidae“do a flip” 9/10 - I have to admit I’m biased, this is one of my personal favorites and I use it frequently, has a sort of jolly jovial energy that is really pleasing to me, you just have to say it with a cheerful encouraging tone like you’re really excited about it
- when I say therapy is a running dog for the capitalist death machine this is actually a great example of what I meanmy therapist told me learn to calm your own storm instead of venting to other people it sounds therapeutic to let it all out, but you're reinforcing your negative thoughts. it's no one's job but yours to pull you out of your own problems. journal, meditate, exercise and release.
- Replying to @the_corvidae“I’m gonna call 911/the cops” 0/10 - ACAB
