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Samantha Ruddy
@samlymatters
Standup comic from The Tonight Show. My special Baseball Mom is now free! Scranton born. I make content for brands. Reach out at [email protected].
Philadelphia, PA
Joined May 2009
2,153
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43.4K
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jan 15, 2020
    One time when I was like 11 my dad took me to an Italian restaurant and the waiter asked what my name was and I said “Sam but you can call me captain ravioli” and my dad just looked at me and said “what the fuck was that? don’t do that” and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Dec 24, 2019
    So pissed at whoever smoked pot in my mom’s garage. She just smelled it and flipped out. Not funny!!!! Told her if I catch them around here again I’ll beat their ass. Who would do this on Christmas Eve of all days??? Don’t worry, mom, I’m on the case.
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jun 16, 2018
    I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place and I’m liberal but that’s too much for me. What if you’re just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    May 15, 2020
    Proud to announce that I went viral for being a huge bitch to Tomi Lahren
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Dec 4, 2024
    Got a push notification to exercise caution because the United Healthcare shooter is still at large. I personally do not feel like I am on the shooter’s radar because I am not the CEO of a highly divisive multi billion dollar insurance company.
    3.4M
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Dec 29, 2018
    Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    May 12, 2020
    California: 3 more months of lockdown Florida: Okay, we’ll bite....what IS coronavirus?
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Feb 21, 2022
    I like Dua Lipa because all of her songs give me little instructions
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jul 1, 2025
    Democrats can’t get a crosswalk installed when they have all three branches, but it took Republicans 6 months to gut the entire US government like it was a Red Lobster.
    4M
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jun 13, 2019
    *sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me* I gotta get off this website *switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me* Man, fuck this app *goes on Facebook and sees a guy I went to middle school with is in jail for murder* There we go
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Aug 26, 2017
    If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jun 1, 2021
    Happy pride I will never forget what my grandmother said to me when I came out to her at age 18. The words have really stuck with me. She said “stop crying we’re at a Chinese buffet I don’t care if you’re gay”
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Jan 12, 2020
    I got absolutely fucking owned by my brother’s 21 year old girlfriend yesterday
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    Samantha Ruddy
    @samlymatters
    Feb 11, 2020
    My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.