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mau
41.8K posts
you’re in her dms, i’m in the passenger seat of her car. she is parallel parking. i have been here for 30 minutes- got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
- my grandma got this mug for my sister and it kills me every single time i see it
- i am so sick and tired of using the teams salute emoji, it does not accurately reflect how locked in i actually am. he is NOT locked in. stupid fucking idiot.
- i love when dudes are named Guy. like, yeah. exactly.
- wait… if you’re circling back and i’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation??
- hearing my boss’s footsteps coming so i put twitter down and stare at my screen like this
- if i could read minds, i would use it to say your jokes faster and louder than u
- they’re lucky i wasn’t around for noah’s ark, they would’ve had to take 3 goats…
- things in my circus: - my monkeys - a tamed lion that does not concern himself - an elephant in the room - 1 clown (me)
- you wear a white shirt and all of a sudden everybody wants to go eat spaghetti
- im using heavy machinery that you cant operate while taking medications you cant pronounce
