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Jesse Stanchak
5,227 posts
Jesse Stanchak
@jstanchak
Made of hustle, built for endurance.
Alexandria, VA
Joined December 2008
- The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
- 2019 - Knives Out 2020 - Forks In 2021 - Spoons Down 2022 - Tongs Up 2023 - Sporks Betwixt 2024 - Spatulas Beneath 2025 - Whiskin’ Around 2026 - Ladles Just Everywhere 2026 - Turkey Basters Within 2028 - Where’d That Melon Baller Go? 2029 - Cloche Shut: The Death of Benoit Blanc
- Everyone loves the sound of their own voice, until they hear it on a recording. The design of our ears dictates that our voices seem much richer, fuller, and more resonant to us than they will to anyone else. Now imagine how good James Earl Jones sounds to James Earl Jones.
- When I retire, I want to build a house on a hill in a small town and become a local eccentric. I want kids to hold their breath as they bike past. I want Concerned Citizens to fret about what I’m building in there. I want to bathe myself in mystery until I pass into urban legend.
- I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but if it someday came to light that PETA was an astroturf organization funded by meat-packing companies in order to convince the world that people who care about the welfare of animals are completely unhinged, it wouldn't shock me in the slightest.
- I am so grateful I was raised in a home where trickery was a family value. Whenever a voice in my head calls me a fraud, a second voice chimes in: “You’re not just a fraud; you’re an amazing fraud. No one has ever caught you, and no one ever will. Because you were born for this.”
- Replying to @jstanchakThis got a bigger response than I expected! Thanks for stopping by. If you like my vibe, I've got a book based on my other account (@MicroFlashFic) full of 280-character short stories. If your resolution is to read more, this is a fun way to ease into it:
- Not only am I never calling this website anything but Twitter, I’ve decided every company that shares its owner is also called Twitter now. People drive Twitters, make tunnels with Twitter, and take Twitters to space. His name is even Twitter now. IT’S TWITTERS ALL THE WAY DOWN!
- This bonkers notice came with a bed frame I bought. What kind of furniture requires this level of disclaimer? I’m now worried the bed frame is explosive. Or toxic. Or possibly radioactive.
- I have moved the muons that were in the particle accelerator and which you were probably saving for physics Forgive me they were leptons so massive and so charged
- It's shocking how much angst in the world today comes from people not understanding that taxonomies break down at the edges. When you try to define a category, all you're actually doing is describing the middle of a bell curve. The tails of all things are made out of asterisks.
- You can tell that whoever designed the HBO Max app doesn't have kids, because there's no button to restart a movie that your child only ever watches the first 45 minutes of. You have to manually rewind the movie in what feels like real-time.
