J
3,860 posts
- Boy roommate won’t let me throw his sweet potato away. I told him it scares me and he began talking about the beauty of “life forms” and “growth”. I quickly realized he’s actually attached to this thing. I’m tossing it on Sunday
- Junior year I had the genius idea to make a Gatorade cooler full of white negroni for a house party because I had just gotten a white couch and wanted a clear cocktail. Almost every single person blacked out. People were asking if they had been drugged. I was fighting allegations
- When prayers include “the lonely” with the sick, the suffering, and the poor. It’s like. Damn. Is it that bad
- There’s a mirror in my parents’s house that could give body dysmorphia to a dog
- How about an Emotionally Well Adjusted Man actalike contest. How about that
- THE ID CHECK? LOCK HIM UPimagine being able to say your first kiss was matty healy
- People have always judged my methods of security. I don’t understand. In college I slept with a hammer in my drawer. My roommates would ask me “What are you going to do? Bludgeon the attacker?” Clearly you don’t have what it takes. To live
- To return to Instagram, I must repair my feed. The Unfollowing of 2023 will not be swift. It will not be merciful. The girl I met out at a college I was visiting? (GUNSHOT) A white woman’s food account? (GUNSHOT) My roommate’s boyfriend? (I open my coat and reveal a suicide vest)
- “Ran through”? Try “Well-loved”
- Imagine if this was your mother. You just want someone to read you If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. But your mom gotta go to Indianapolis with her twink. To watch his team lose. And you just want someone to read you If You Give a Mouse a CookieTimothée Chalamet & Kylie Jenner are in the building! 📺NYK/IND Game 6 on TNT
00:00 - Imagine being so addicted to adderall you go to grad school
- No, girl. (Chewing) I’m telling you. (Covering mouth) You haven’t lived (Swallows) until you’ve had a man (Small belch) say he’s going to kill himself (Sips water) because of you
