David Whitehouse
14.9K posts
David Whitehouse
@d_whitehouse
Author of ABOUT A SON, SALTWATER MANSIONS and some other books.
- Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello... Natalie?”
- This is our Four Seasons Total Landscaping
- Unbelievable that this situation can arise on a British quiz show and they not be lined up in the order 'TOM DICK ANN HARRY'
- Dropped my wallet in London’s trendy west end. A woman caught me up to hand it back. I thanked her profusely for her kindness. She said ‘maybe you wouldn’t have dropped it if you weren’t such a stupid c*nt’. I thanked her again and we parted.
- Difficult to come to terms with the scope of my terror in the 10 minutes I just spent convinced I’d accidentally uploaded this image to my 5 year old son’s homeschooling reading class.
- Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
- Give the vaccine distribution job to whoever did that U2 album.
- Stop saying Cara Delevingne and Christmas you mad bastard
- Never dreamed I’d get so close to one in the wild. But there she was. Her antlers still glistening with dew. It was a moment before she noticed me, or maybe that’s what she wanted me to think, but when we locked eyes, there was briefly a oneness, before she vanished into the fog.
- The instructions on this mosquito net I've just bought make everything so simple! Only 3 seconds to get!
- In 2001, between Christmas and New Year, I went into a chip shop near Kentish Town. I ordered, then the man behind the counter said to me, "Nice Christmas? Lotsa this eh?", while making a wanking gesture with his right hand.
- Me and a man I know just went to incredible lengths to pretend we’d not seen each other in a supermarket. At times balletic, at others deranged, it reached a near Mission Impossible level crescendo when he effectively clambered over a self-service checkout.
