Pinned
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
Cydni Beer
6,172 posts
Cydni Beer
@cydbeer
My tweets get around but I do not. Humorist. Instagram.com/cydbeer
Salt Lake City, UT
Joined October 2017
- While watching a movie with a boyfriend’s family I fell asleep. In the silence of the film I passed gas so loudly it woke me up- everyone heard it. That young man claimed the fart as his own- that’s when I knew he loved me. I married him. Today we celebrate 13 years together.
- We just waited an hour to see our pediatrician. As soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said “This is a clock.” Which was the most passive aggressive thing I have ever witnessed.
- 5 yo "F*CK, F*CK, F*CK" Me "WHOA!! Why are you saying that?!" 5 yo "No reason. Just rhymes with Truck." Me "Ok, just rhyme quietly"
- Husband: If anyone else whines they have to go right to bed! Me: Ugh my pants are too tight. My feet are cold. Everyone is being too loud. Kids: Ha! Mom has to go to bed! Me: Goodnight, suckers.
- Replying to @kanyewestIf you wanna see the true character of a person take them to a place with slow WiFi
- I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
- How could a pregnant woman talking on her phone while herding 3 additional children through a store notice I dropped my debit card and grab it for me? Because Mothers are unnatural super human freaks who push the limits of excellence in the everyday routine of life.
- As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
- Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.
- Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!” 5 “Trying to pull it out.” Me “That’s going to hurt.” 5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
- I just witnessed a woman pull out her ringing phone from her purse. She loudly sang along with the ringtone to the very end- Then this woman slipped her phone right back into her bag. She never answered it. This is the energy I’ll take into the rest of the year.
- Currently making my kids rake leaves in the wind-to give them a proper idea of what life feels like.
- Husband “There’s a man checking you out at the gym.” Me “Really? Is he cute? Where is he?!” Husband “...I meant me. I am checking you out...” Me “Oh... ok.. don’t forget it’s trash day”