I want to tell everyone what they took from us, what irreversible really means, and what that reality looks like for us.
No one told me any of what Iām going to tell you now.
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Today is a day I can't really ignore, because whether I want to mark it or not, my body reminds me regardless.
Six years ago, conflicted, but optimistic, i thought I was doing the right thing getting 'Sex Reassignment surgery'.
A Long Story š§µ
Now i get to the point where im detransitioned and the realisation that this is permanent is catching up with me.
During transition, I was obsessive and deeply unwell, I cannot believe they were allowed to do this to me, even after all the red flags.
No one told me that the base area of your penis is left, it can't be removed - meaning you're left with a literal stump inside that twitches.
When you take Testosterone and your libido returns, you wake up with morning wood, without the tree.
I wish this was a joke
I have no sensation in my crotch region at all.
You could stab me with a knife and I wouldn't know. The entire area is numb, like it's shell shocked and unable to comprehend what happened, even 4 years on.
I wasn't even asked if I wanted to freeze sperm or want kids. In my obsessive, deeply unwell state they just nodded along and didnt tell me the realities, what life would be like.
And thats something that will never come back and one of the reason why i got surgery.
My sex drive died about 6 months on HRT and at the time I was glad to be rid of it, but now 10 years later, Im realising what im missing out on and what I won't get back.
And finally, theres dilation, which is like some sort of demonic ceremony where you impale yourself for 20 agonising minutes to remind you of your own stupidity.
Got my ID back, in MY name, not my old name, not a fucking dead name, my name.
The name that was given with love, the name I was baptised under.
My name.
Then theres the dreams. I dream often, that I have both sets of genitals, in the dream I'm distressed I have both, why both I think? I tell myself to wake up because I know its just a dream.
And I awaken into a living nightmare.