the darling of your cool new life
inventor of the korean bob marley mutton sausage
inventor of AutoSex
inventor of various appliances to improve your life
One time in HS I was playing volleyball and I was generally useless, so when I hit a spike and got a point and the guy next to me turned to me and said "the unseen blade is the deadliest"
how is it that babies are born with the innate knowledge of how to crash a car? it can't be evolutionary because cars are too recent. yet without fail, all newborn babies I put at the wheel successfully crash the vehicle in seconds
YOU: [stabs one of my organs]
ME: Vestigial. Didn't need it
YOU: [stabs another organ]
ME: Redundant. I have four of those.
YOU:[visibly frustrated, stabbing another organ]
ME: [one side of my face suddenly drooping] I'm fime. Westidial. Didm't use it
Went to a mead tasting the other day and had a sip of a 23 year old mead. Said "wow, same age as me." The old guy who ran it looked flabbergasted and said "that's crazy" and looked into the distance for a second. I realised he was probably the guy that bottled it 23 years ago.
[Guest lecturing at Harvard]
Me: Mars bar is a girl... Snickers is a boy. Twix is one of each
Student: what about m&ms?
Me: (visibly erect) it depends on the colour.
These guys should not be in zoos. Some animals sure but definitely not these guys. If they're gonna be in zoos they should get uniforms and get to walk around at least.