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I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.
The Real Rodney Lacroix
168.6K posts
The Real Rodney Lacroix
@RealRodLacroix
- My wife crocheted this eyeglass holder and I'm okay with her continuing to make stuff like this.
- Jason Kelce looks like the guy you hire to get a possum out of your attic.
- Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Ok let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
- No one can use their debit at the grocery store and an old lady just cut in front of all of us in line like the tortoise passing the hare because she is writing a check.
- Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
- I am learning French for our trip to Paris but Duolingo keeps teaching me things like "I am a cat," and "The horse is eating an orange" and "Marie wants an owl" so I'm excited to see how the Parisians respond to my conversational style.
- Me: Do you need to go outside? Dog: Me: Outside? Dog: Me: Do you need to pee? Dog: Me: Go poop? Go outside? Dog: Me: Ugh. Fine. Dog: Me: [gets coffee and gets comfy on couch] Dog: You won’t believe this.
- My favorite Fall ritual is watching the Low Tire Pressure light go on in every vehicle I own.
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE
- My mom had a stroke 10 days ago. They moved her out of the hospital and to rehab 3 days ago. She texted me this today. I am an unbelievably proud son right now.
- Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s. Me: Is it, though? Wife: Me: Wife: Me: I just- Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
- When I suddenly hear my name in a Zoom meeting that I totally have not been paying attention to
- Wife and I agreed on no Christmas gifts for each other so of course I've been shopping for her every day since October because this is clearly a trap.