Trump is President, the Eagles won the Super Bowl, somewhere in PA there’s a hillbilly with a lamp and one wish left.
JohnMoses
18.5K posts
JohnMoses
@JohnMoses
Red Bank Comedy Fest Apr 27th-29th
- My four yr old daughter just cried, “Dad I don’t have any friends.” So I hugged her and said, “Awww honey, you’re gonna save so much money not going to weddings.”
- I mean they canceled straws. Shane Gillis didn’t have a chance.
- Biggie just announced he’s voting Trump from heaven. This is getting bad.
- I tested positive for Covid. Any local pro life rallies I can attend?
- I hope society canonizes hospital workers the way we did firefighters after 911. These people are heroes and deserve to be treated as such, remember that when all of this settles down. Throw an orderly some pussy.
- I saw an old man shit his pants in the supermarket, like it was falling out of his pant leg as he got to the bathroom. Then some poor young kid had to come and clean it all up. And that my friends is a metaphor for climate change
- I just heard Brad Pitt has been going AA meetings. Could you imagine going to a meeting trying to pick up the pieces of your life and in walks your wife’s hall pass.
- Michael Jordan would’ve played with the Coronavirus and dropped 50 pts.
- I’ll take the candle that smells like Harvey Weinstein’s two fingers after Gwyneth Paltrow was cast in Shakespeare in Love
- This woman decided to protest my Sexual Harassment bit at the show, so I roasted her until her husband threatened to kick my ass. I told him “If you try to get on this stage, I will kick your head off! Why would you choose to get your head kicked off when you can just leave.”
- Still funnier than Hannah Gadsby!Greta Thunberg at #UNGA: "This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be up here. I should be in school on the other side of the ocean. Yet you come to us young people for hope. How dare you. You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words." Via ABC
00:00 - I wouldn't be wasting time tweeting on the toilet, because I'd still be trying to figure out a Rubik's cube #IfThe80sNeverStopped
