Emily Catalano
99 posts
Emily Catalano
@EmilyCatalano
- Do you ever put a couch in your room so that friends can hang out and then you remember that you don’t have friends and even if you did you’d be like please don't come into my room i need to be alone right now
- to sell more tickets I’m gonna change my stage name to The Office Trivia
- This guy behind me in line only had one item so I let him go in front of me and then I saw that the item was anti-diarrhea pills and so I guess i'm like an angel sent by god or whatever nbd
- I was thinking about quitting comedy so I asked god for a sign, and I think all this Coronavirus stuff has distracted god from giving me a sign, so I guess i’ll just keep waiting.
- that guy who likes 20 of your instagram pics in a row is never who you want it to be
- I like being asked to do comedy more than I like doing comedy
- Let’s make a Mrs. Doubtfire reboot where a woman has to dress up like a man to get a job she wouldn’t otherwise get and we’ll call it Mr. President
- my boyfriend just told me he thinks fleabag is “good, but not great” and i wish there was a camera i could look into and exhale loudly
- box cutters should be called tape cutters
- jr high lenscrafters bully employee 🤝 “you have a round face”
- Every time I watch a tiny desk concert the singer always mentions that the desk is actually pretty big and the npr staff laugh a lot like it’s the first time they’ve heard that and that's very nice of them
- I can relate to that lady who married the Eiffel Tower because I was also married to a hollow piece of work
- Replying to @maddenificohey that’s me 👋 go watch the full special on youtube channel. thanks!