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DaddyJew
28.6K posts
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon* Moon: delete it- Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?
- Really? A fucking salad?? - Julius Caesar coming back to life
- The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you
- Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time
- 90% of adulthood is just deleting emails
- Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
- This place gives me the creeps Sir, this is IHOP Whoops sorry, this place gives me the crêpes
- Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure
- Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle
- First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club
- *watching porn* they’re just going to let that pizza get cold?
- Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: is he a doctor?