I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Barlow Adams
91.2K posts
Barlow Adams
@BarlowAdams
Pie enthusiast. Historically preserved beard site. Waffle House Poet Laureate. Best Small Fictions, Best of the Net, Wigleaf Top 50. Rejected by Tiger Beat
Cincinnati, OH
Joined November 2017
- I met Stephen King at a bar once. I told him, “You have given me so many nightmares.” He just walked away without saying anything. Next day, I told my friend, who was there, “Stephen King is kind of a dick.” He said, “That wasn’t him and you really hurt that guy’s feelings.”
- Things are still hard. The world is still insane. But none of that will matter soon because my son is going to be an international soccer star and buy us a new life.
00:00 - 9: Can I sleep with you? Me: Why? 9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady. M: Who? 9: An old woman with no skin on her hands. M: Why do you call her that? 9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep. M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
- Y’all, this is why men should not be making decisions about women’s reproductive health.
- A friend went to the funeral of an ER doctor. In addition to photos of the doctor and his family, there was an interactive table displaying various objects the surgeon had pulled out of people’s asses over the years. My friend said it was the best funeral he had ever attended.
- Store clerk wouldn’t take my debit card because he said it was “witchcraft,” told me it was a tarot card and those were tools of the Devil. I assured him none of that was true, and said I had no cash. He gave me the drink for free rather than touch my card. Friends, my card:
- Pediatrician: Cool shoes. Toddler: They’re Godzilla shoes! P: They look like T-Rex. Me: They’re SPECIAL Godzilla shoes that look like T-Rex but they are Godzilla because he really wanted Godzilla shoes. P: So, they’re not REALLY Godzilla? T: *panic* M: Bro, have you met a kid?
- If women wrote about men the way men write about women: “He sighed, his medium-sized balls bobbing in his jeans like buoys in a sea of denim, rising and falling with his breath. They were not the firm, boisterous nuts of a young man. He lamented this as much as the years lost.”
- The Sydney Sweeney photo discourse enforces that a large portion of angry incels are pathologically incapable of connecting with women sexually because they are totally ignorant of the fact that women’s bodies are in fact human bodies and subject to the laws of physics/biology.
- You are allowed to be a fan of something and not love absolutely all of it. With increasing frequency, it seems the only two levels of acceptable fandom are complete, utter adoration and confused betrayal. Fandoms are not religions. They can’t, and shouldn’t, function as such.
- I EXPECT a woman not feel safe with me at first. I assume we will meet somewhere public, that she will tell a friend and start sharing her location. I take no offense. It shows wisdom. Why should she trust me before I prove she can? Most creeps cosplay a nice guy at some point.
- My eight-year old keeps saying, “I hate to be the bearer of bad nudes,” and I haven’t corrected him because I think he makes an important point. Nobody wants those.
- 4 year-old: Are we going to the store? Me: Nope. We have to go vote. 4: Voting? I did that at my school! Me: Who did you vote for? 4: Legos. Me: What was the other choice? 4: Stuffed animals. Me: I have literally never been more jealous.