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Ariel Dumas
39.3K posts
Ariel Dumas
@ArielDumas
IG: @ arieldumaspubicaccount - Head Writer and Supervising Producer for @colbertlateshow
- Dairy Queen employee accused of shitting in the soft serve machine has 71 incidents of shitting in the soft serve machine on file.Imagine this in any other job
- The CDC just announced you don’t actually have to wash your hands, just get the fingies a little wetReaders added context they thought people might want to knowReaders added contextCDC hand washing guidelines did not change: cdc.gov/handwashing/wh… This is satire against CDC’s recent reduced quarantine policies about COVID.
- I never updated Twitter on my phone. It’s still called Twitter. The bird is still here. I can see everyone’s likes. It’s fun.
- Happy International Women’s Day! Tell your female colleagues what your salary is. 🙂
- The CDC just announced you can walk right up to bin of carrots at the grocery store and start eatin outta there like a horse
- No one: Your mom: your dad was in the hospital last week but he’s fine now
- All-nighter? I can barely pull an all-dayer.
- EMERGENCY: I just had a FLASHBACK to a GUY I DATED whose MOTHER had taught him to RINSE GROUND BEEF in a COLANDER after BROWNING it 🚨🚨🚨🔪😭🐄
- As far as Human Innovations go, as a species, I think we peaked at “bear-shaped honey bottle.”
- Hey just so you know, on Saturday night, someone ripped the mezuzah off our door frame, tore out the prayer scroll, and chucked both down the hallway. This stuff is happening to people you know and love. And if you’ve experienced it yourself, please know you’re not alone.
- I sewed eyeballs on my cats' bed to make it look like a monster was eating them.
- I can’t believe there’s a kind of dog that retrieves gold
- This pandemic SUCKS. I miss my PARENTS. I wanna go to TOKYO. I wanna DRINK with my FRANDS on a BOAT. I want a BIG BONKERS WEDDING. I wanna walk down the STREET while EATING an EMPANADA. BUT I can wait til it’s 100% safe. Anyone who doesn’t is an unwitting harbinger of death. 😊
