Pinned
Mark
7,838 posts
Mark
@AgingRanchHand
There have been decades of speculation about the state of my existence.
Joined June 2023
- Uber sends notifications like "hey want to take an Uber right now?" No thanks, buddy. It's more for when I need to go somewhere
- I go to tattoo parlors and trick them into shaving my leg for me and then leave
- My friend spotted this in the wild earlier. A guy wearing a jacket that just says "Mexican Food"
- My wife makes sure to fill one of these with beer for me before she leaves the house
- Cut my hand on a cheese grater last night which is insane because I'm not cheese
- Sometimes your wife will say stuff like "we've gotta clean the fridge." Umm, honey, that's not a thing people do. You sound insane right now
- I DMed Ringo Starr and invited him over and he's actually coming. This is a nightmare. I have no idea what to do with him do you think he likes college football
- Ad 1 of 2 on that Tubi commercial break was just a live stream bird's eye view of me on my couch
- Cats can take a lot of the blame for household accidents but I'm having a hard time explaining to my wife that one of them left a Modelo in the freezer and it exploded
- My manager just added "tarring and feathering" to my outlook calendar. This can't be good
- "Don't shoot the messenger." Yeah, okay buddy. One of the few joys in this world is absolutely riddling a messenger with bullets
- Wore lipstick for a Halloween costume yesterday and wow didn't like it all. You take a bite of a sandwich and then the lipstick is on the sandwich? Women, your lives are a living hell
- Babies love me but they have no money so there's no point in even manipulating them
