Funny Bashes

I can not be held responsible for all the bad decisions that I make.

I think you breathe too much.

Nothing says "Hey, I'm delusional" more than people who are just sitting around being patient because good things happen to those who wait.

"I love to laugh," said the most interesting person on the planet.

High people understand other high people. They catch things that others don't.

the local news is talking about wigs for babies so people can tell they are girls. here's an idea: who cares

Cigarettes are legal and kill millions of people every year. Marijuana is illegal and has never caused death from usage.

When someone pees while they’re on the phone with you, you know they really like you.

The Earth is a tiny speck in the Universe. I'm a tiny speck on Earth. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect me to do great things.

The solar eclipse only lasted two minutes and I didn't hear any women complaining about that.

If the DEA raids your house just play dead. They will soon give up and be on their way.

I won’t block you, or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you’re able to see how happy I am without you.

When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

The best conversations always happen when they don't.

I turned out pretty good today, far too cute to be at work, let's remedy this shall we. Anyone need a ride home?

More people should know what I mean when I point at things and grunt.

I'm in a pub and no one's talking to me. But by posting this I'm talking to over 4000 people. I win right?

That straight band from the 80's was pretty good.

There is no shame in loving anyone.

I hate when I have zero situational awareness & say "I love you" to Boss as he walks out the door.