Did you know an intimate partner or family member kills one woman or girl every ten minutes? Murderers will try to justify their crime by saying, “I killed her because I loved her so much.” But it is not love that drives this violence; it is pathological jealousy.
There are obvious signs of excessive jealousy, such as stalking and isolation, but relationships don’t start with these behaviors. Jealousy creeps in gradually with innocent behavior that can often go unnoticed. Here are the early warning signs that someone is pathologically jealous.
“Jealousy is not exactly an emotion, but a complex created by reactions, doubts, and thoughts.”
Clinical Psychologist Ezgi Dokuzlu
“I know you’ve got nothing to hide.”
This is a common sign of pathological jealousy, and partners will use emotional blackmail by offering their PINs and passwords when asking for yours. They make you feel you’re being secretive and have something to hide if you don’t.
“Oh, you’re talking to me again?”
Overreacting when you stop to chat for a couple of minutes to a shop worker, or if you take a phone call from a friend are classic signs your partner is pathologically jealous. These minor exchanges act as a societal binder, which we all recognize. However, someone who struggles with jealousy will often get upset as attention shifts from them.
“That skirt is a little short. Why not change? You look so good in trousers.”
A partner’s suggestion that your clothing is too revealing or sexy, accompanied by a more conservative option, suggests they don’t want others to notice you. You often see women’s appearance fade from vivacious and sexy to dowdy in coercive controlling relationships.
“The guy in the queue was quite handsome, don’t you think?”
This is a test you cannot pass because saying yes shows your attraction to them, and if you say no, your partner won’t believe you anyway. It is a no-win situation.
“It’s only because I worry about you.”
My coercive-controlling ex would do this when I was studying at college. He knew exactly how long it took me to get home. If I were a few minutes late, he would question me. It’s fine to ask if your partner is hours late, but 5 minutes is a red flag.
“I’d find and kill you both.”
Has your partner warned you never to cheat on them? My ex did this all the time. He would threaten violence and say, “I warned you. It wouldn’t be my fault if I did something.” I felt guilty, even though I had done nothing wrong. It’s a form of mental prison that keeps you away from other people.
“If you weren’t so friendly with other guys, I wouldn’t have to worry.”
This is a classic sign of pathological jealousy. It shifts their insecurities onto you. This is gaslighting. You now question your behavior; perhaps your friendliness does come across as flirting. Maybe that dress was quite revealing. It’s possible that you are spending too much time at work.
“It’s not you I’m worried about; it’s them.”
This is an isolation tactic used by controlling partners. They’ll say they trust you, but they don’t like it when you spend time with certain friends or family. It could be a friend who is single or a family member you confide in.
“I know it’s your mom’s birthday, but I’ve booked a table at our favorite restaurant.”
This is a tactic designed to test your commitment to your partner. Who do you value more? People who are pathologically jealous must be your main and only priority. This even applies to children.
In fact, I knew a guy whose girlfriend was so jealous of his 18-year-old daughter she made him choose between them. His daughter eventually left the family home.
“Who was the guy who tagged you in that photo?”
It’s fine to be a little curious about the person you are dating, but be wary when your partner is commenting across all your socials. They will spin it as a desire to get to know all about you, and while it’s flattering at first, it’s a sign of pathological jealousy.
“I’m just interested in your life, that’s all.”
That minor interaction with the guy at the checkout has turned into a Q&A session. But the jealous person frames it as being quite harmless. They are just curious about your life and want to know more about you, but inside they are seething with jealousy.
“How was your office party? I would have loved to come with you, but you obviously didn’t want me there.”
Whether it is an office party, a night out with the girls, or lunch with your parents, a person who is pathologically jealous cannot cope with time spent away from them.
In their mind, you are having too much fun without them, badmouthing them, or having an affair behind their backs. Expect sarcastic comments, the silent treatment, or passive-aggressive behavior when you return.
“I’d kill you if I ever saw you with another man.”
If your partner repeats this comment as a joke, it is imperative that you understand how serious it is. People just don’t say things like this unless they are pathologically jealous. They are warning you in advance that they will hurt you.
Having been in a relationship with a jealous partner, my advice is to leave as soon as possible. There is nothing you can do to reassure or placate them. Listen, we all get jealous from time to time; we might covet our neighbor’s new car or feel a bit miffed if someone else gets a promotion at work. But these are all tangible things.
Pathological jealousy is not based on actual events or factual evidence. The jealous person imagines scenarios and feels threatened by the thoughts they generate. It’s got nothing to do with anything you are doing. And you cannot reassure someone when the ‘evidence’ they are providing is all in their head.
The other issue is that pathologically jealous people do not get better; the jealousy only escalates until you become a completely different person to fit their jealousy.
My friends used to say I had lost my sparkle. I experienced all the above signs, which seemed innocent at first. But they were just precursors. The problem is that once you ‘accept’ these suggestions, comments or behavior, you cannot go back. The control and isolation only get worse.
Jealousy can affect even the happiest relationships, but pathological jealousy is a different beast. It doesn’t listen to reason or evidence and can end in violence. If you spot the signs above, be very careful.
