Rebel7

Ha, only adding a journal entry to annoy the three gang (well really four cause one profile’s a couple) who subscribe to my journal. Hey lads, made ye look! :)  Oh I’ve an air of devilment within me today. Tis only a mercy I’m un-dominated (domified?)  at the moment cause I’d be getting into fierce trouble.

Anyway two of my subscribers, yea Cork munch tomorrow! May the Pro Thumb Wars begin :) Also will you bring those books for me please? And thanks. Know I could just text you, but you were going looking here anyway. And the predictive is gone mad on my phone so easier this way. See ye tomorrow.

Subscriber-couple, yea the inaugural Dundalk munch tomorrow! Mind them ducks! And be sure to turn off your magnet, doll ;)

[Okay, I started writing this when, I was sick in bed, and came back to it in loads of different moods. And that’s what it reads like, confused reminiscence.  It’s not quite right but I’m sick of thinking on it now. It was kinda a self exploration/ answer to that recurring question that gets asked on here ‘so what are you into, subbie?’. And possibly it achieved neither goal. But sure, that’s the way it is.  It’s really long, I warn you.]

    Right should actually try to say something on the submissive label I’ve stuck upon myself. Try is going to be the operative word though cause I’m not good at pulling those thoughts together. Or I don’t try often to pull them together. I’m not good at taking about it so I avoid the subject. But I can’t avoid it if it’s myself demanding I think about it, and writing things down demands actually pinning the thoughts down so they don’t get lost. And letting my defences down so the thoughts are allowed out. I’m going to be really strict with myself cause I know I’m going to try to avoid actually saying much. I’ll say to myself ‘myself, no tangents, the chosen subject is the submissive label, get on with it’. And since I am rambling on now, and gone off thinking about how labels, for all their usefulness, constrain us I should stop avoiding the subject and get on with it.

     Soooo where to start? How did I decide that’s the label for me. I didn’t, it decided me. (okay I warn you, I’m probably going to have be fairly melodramatically strange. It’s the only way I’ll get this done. ) I knew it before I knew the word existed. So you’d think that at this stage I’d be well used to it and wouldn’t have any bother thinking away about it and could write it down in a neat little package. But I’m not used to it. Not a bit. Like I’m happy it’s something that’s there, I’m just uncomfortable with it too. Uncomfortable enough to have, despite recognising and acting upon it and finding it to be wonderful, run from it for a few years, actually avoid all thought of it. Difficult. Discordant. And that was then and this is now, and this was a lovely paragraph of avoidance. [get on with] 

    Right I know, I’ve experienced, the rightness that submitting brings to me.  You know fog? [right this isn’t a tangent, this is a link] Really thick fog, where you can’t see more than a few feet in front of you? And sound gets muffled, so it’s peaceful, but there’s a slightly frightened feeling, that focuses you, cause you’re a bit lost. And even in all the fear and fright, you’re still appreciating the pretty, ever-moving, swirly patterns in the fog. You know that kinda fog? Right well that’s what it’s like for me. I know the accepted term is subspace, or some derivative of, but I thought of it as fog before I’d ever learned the word subspace. I jumped in young and was unfamiliar with terminology. So I’ll have to use my own terms to try and encapsulate something huge and hard to put into words.

     So the sub fog descends, for whoever’s reason, and it’s like... all outstanding worries, unimportant. Are blurred by the fog. Light in fog. Dominant. Knows fog. Is in charge of fog. Trust dominant. Admire his mind. Admire him. Bright person in fog. Bright person will mind me in fog. Want bright person happy. Have to please bright person. Obey bright person. Right really have to start using more pronouns now cause really that explains nothing and is only a poor job of capturing a feeling. The fog is there and I adore it, is what I’m trying hard to say. The fog that sets off a rightness in me, and makes me relish in the control, the commands, the words, the ropes, the pleasing of someone I feel is worth pleasing, the discipline, the pain, the helplessness, the anticipation, the everything. And the fact I even say fog to me sounds like a sort of escapism. Maybe it is. I would more feel that the fog makes things clearer. Strips away the layers of defence build up to stop the world getting too close. So then it’s just me. And I’m aware that describing something that actually makes things clearer as fog is a stupid thing to be doing, but it’s my profile/journal so I can have magic opposite fog, if I want. And some dominants can leave just I little bit of the fog they inspired after the most of it has cleared. The idea of 24/7 does nothing for me ‘cause I really think it’d just be draining and blinding for me. But I do think some doms, not the passing boys, but the really bright shiny ones, can leave a tendril of fog that stays around 24/7. Not discounting the value of passing boys, but they’re more misty than foggy. Nothing wrong with mist, a bit of mist is interesting too; most weather conditions have something to commend them. But weather-wise, the mist is easily blown away, it doesn’t totally induce that ‘yes, in this time and this place I’m yours, and I’ll try awful hard to be the best damm possession I can be’ feeling. Fog, mist, well it’s all moisture, ain’t it. Hmmm, this works better the more I think about it. (Plus using the term fog give the opportunity to say, if something isn’t working ‘sorry, haven’t the foggiest :)

     Used word possession there. Slightly wrong. Word possession too close to word object. Objects can’t object  Cannot say ‘right, your possession, a person you possess, but let me make this very clear to you, boy... A possession that you mind and don’t let anything bad happen to. And you will test not break. And possession will go through you if you are unable to understand this. ’. Right then, possession close to object, object root of objectification, connects to the light objectification I’ve experienced, leads to the subject of masochism. And that isn’t a given in a sub (Lord love ye, dominant people, trying to work the subs out) so must think on masochism now. The things that should be horrible to experience but aren’t. The things that if dealt outside of the fog would be answered with varying degrees of ‘what the fuck, like?! Have you a problem with yourself? Cop the fuck on, ya langball!’. The humiliation, the verbal abuse, pain being inflected. Why do they have the ability to bring on/thicken the fog? How’re things nasty...nice? Hmmm, thought actually writing down the question might help me focus on an answer. But no, still haven’t a notion. I’m about as far as ‘It just does, like’. Okay, fair enough I don’t know much on the scales that that measure these things, I’m not very experienced, don’t know much really. I don’t know how I’d react to a lot of things. I’ve enjoyed it though, the heady humiliation that kicks in, the ‘this is degrading and/or painful, everything I’ve been taught in life says this is bad, but this is right, and where I should be, freaking bright person’s ability to know what’s right, this shouldn’t send waves of turned on-ness through me but it does’. I can’t explain it, and shouldn’t make you read me saying ‘I don’t understand this masochism thing’ in lots of different ways. In short Pain, good so far. Nasty words, good so far. Humiliation, the beyond humbling one, not quite sure, seems good so far. I’m unsure of my limits.  I’ve never filled out the tick-the-box things here, on anything, ‘cause I don’t have the book that tells me how to know the difference between being a beginner and a novice. Should get a letter or something ‘Congratulations, [insert nick here] you’ve graduated from beginner to novice in spanking ...’. Learner on everything, me.

    So the label on me has changed to learner- submissive-masochistic. So what am I like in the submissive-masochistic fog? Hmmmm, not bratty anyway, no, I’d be more along the lines of being little independent -thought going on, irritatingly obedient. I dumb way down and I’m not too smart to begin with. Like saying anything beyond ‘Yes, Sir’ is an awful struggle, hard to find words cause vocabulary deserts me, very lucky I’ve never been asked to count strokes, cause I’d need a number line. Totally reliant on the dominant to do the thinking. It actually annoys me, in a way I can’t define. I won’t try.

    Whatever way I am, like the rest of this entry, everything I’ve written here is me looking back and thinking . It’s not one hundred percent correct.  I can’t say ‘right, this is the way I am in any situation you want to throw at me’. I can’t predict this. I can’t predict you; you can’t predict me, what a waste of time it was my writing/you reading this. Things are different with different people. Everything I’ve written here will be out of date tomorrow. This was so hard to write. I came back to it. I looked at bits of it and thought ‘no, that’s not quite right, try again’. I’ve tried and I don’t feel like I’ve got it right. Like I mean everything I’ve written, but looking at it there’s a not quite right feel about it. There’s more to say, there’s so many ‘althoughs’ that could be expounded upon. But writing this is like trying to hold water in my hands, it kinda works till it doesn’t. I read something once, can’t remember where, that describes how this feels- it’s like having a clock, and taking it to bits to find the tick. There’s more I could say, there’s more I could admit as to what makes me tick, or why I’m a clock that is still so uncomfortable with ticking that there’s a high chance of my running away again or why I’m a clock that stops myself sometimes. Possibly could say something about getting wound up. But I can try forever and I’m not going to catch it, look above, so many words and they’re not quite there. I tried, it was hard, and I had arguments with myself about what I meant, and didn’t want to put down some stuff, and had to break apart some thoughts to get them past the ‘ummmmm’ stage. I have about sixty-eight new thoughts now that I’ve to think on sometime. And at least nineteen inane tangents. But right now it’s about as good as it’s getting, I choose to use my ‘hey, I’m uncomfortable with this, and I have trust issues anyway, and in fairness there’s only so long an entry can be’ thump here.

New label; submissive-masochistic- fraidy-cat.

Do not try this ‘I am Dominant, I now own you so you will show me some respect, girl. You will [insert some kinda task here]’ thing in the first email you send me. I translate this as ’I am an awful tool, with no manners whatsoever and because of this I must play some sort of character to communicate. Also I have not even taken the time to read the nickname that is there above what I’m this minute copying and pasting.’ Now there might be some people who’d be like ‘oh wow, take me now!’. But I’m not one of them. So if you are like that, that’s great, and I hope you find someone who works well with you. But it’s highly unlikely to be me. And since if you kept it up I shall start to believing it’s some sort of actor who’s writing to me. And then depending on my mood, I’ll have to a) tell the actor shag off for themselves, and not to be annoying me, b) treat the actor as a fascinating wee curiosity to be taken apart to see how they work. c) do a bit of acting myself  and be… Mrs. Mc Namara, who thinks this is a site about sewing collars. She’ll say stuff like ‘’that’s lovely, dearie, you own me but what I really am looking for is where to buy reliable button thread’’. You do not want to mess with Mrs. Mc , let me tell you :)

Look, I might find particular reasons to think ‘I like you, you kinda rock, I believe’. I might not. We might get on .We might not. I might become quite fond of you. I might misjudge you and think you a fool even though if we’d met under different circumstances we might get on. I might despise everything you are, or at least what I think you are. And you are free to do the same to me. I’m not a one hundred per cent brilliant, lovely, well-balanced, sweet person. But sometimes I am, and I think I’m great. Other times though I’m a right moody, awkward contrary, disrespectful little bitch, and I think I’m worthless. And other times, I’m somewhere in between.

I have little time for the thinking I’m here ‘cause I’m something special just because I happen to be able to label myself sub. I’m hopefully never going to be like ‘oh my golly gosh, I’m a lovely darling little sub who is ever so special and I’m waiting for a special lovely someone who will understand and cherish me for ever and ever and ever. And there’ll be stars and rainbows too’. Like I admit, I’m an unbelievable girly girl when it comes to things like baby animals and pretty silver things. So much so that I communicate solely in sentences like ‘oh you’re a fluffy fluff and I love you’ and ‘ohhhhhhhhh shiny’. But I don’t think I should have to act all sweet just cause I’m sub. I imagine it would be exhausting after a while. Plus I know I can also be an unemotional cynic about stuff, with a bullshit threshold of about minus three and an absolutely tactless twit about other stuff . So sweetness isn’t really going to cut it, no one would buy it and I’d be making myself into something on the flipside of ‘ohhhh I’m a Dominant and I own the darkness’. And I’d have to develop a sweet little giggle and that’d take ages.

We are here trying to pin down the person we are and it leaves no room for ‘well it depends on a lot of things’.

You will think for yourself whatever you want of me. I can only write here what I think of me. And look we both know someone can only paint a terribly biased picture of themselves. I could be the total opposite of everything I’ve written down. You can probably judge a lot more about me from what I don’t write down. They’re the bits I haven’t noticed myself yet. Or that I’m choosing to ignore. Or that I’m totally hoping you’ll ignore.

And I know that all this makes me sound a hell of lot more confident than I am, but you know what, a profile is really the only place you can legitimately say ‘it’s all about me, me, me and what I think!’ I know I don’t know much in the whole BDSM sphere. (Possibly I know more than Mrs. Mc Namara) I am learning. And I’m a bit of a slow learner. You can bear with me or you can shag right off. It’s very simple. I’m being as honest as I can be; I expect the same from you. If you can’t do that, if you are what I find rude and irritating, I reserve the right to decide there is nothing either of us will gain from us talking, and not talk to you. You can do the same to me.