Puzzlebox

So of all the various emotions the situation could have generated, the one that has settled in seems to be amusement.

I’ve been accused of many things in my life. I’ve even been responsible for some of them. But I’m pretty sure I’ve never before driven a man to find religion.

So I met this guy here on Collar Me. We exchanged messages for a few days. He struck me as intelligent, polite, and a charming conversationalist. I told him up front that I really didn’t think I was what he is looking for and that I’m only up here to find friends. He assured me that while he was looking for perhaps more than that, he’d be delighted to make a new friend he could discuss this crazy lifestyle we were both drawn to.

Eventually our conversations became more difficult to have via letters, so we agreed to meet at a local restaurant to sit and chat. The time was set for Monday after work and after a few attempts we figured out a nice location too. I was looking forward to meeting him and enjoying what promised to be a lovely conversation with a charming and thoughtful man.

I checked my messages on Monday morning just to make sure that he hadn’t gotten stuck out of town over the weekend or something. Seeing that there were no new messages from him I dressed for the day and left for work.

When I got into work I opened my mail and saw that, sure enough, there was a message from my new friend. Well I don’t open CM messages at work, so I went about my day, wondering if something had come up. I was on a conference call when my personal phone rang and I noticed that it was him. Once my meeting ended I listened to the voice mail and was disappointed that he wasn’t going to be able to make our meeting, but the fact that he had ensured that I got the message reinforced my original impression of him – thoughtful, responsible, considerate. He said he had some things to work through. Ah well. It happens. At least he didn’t leave me waiting at the restaurant.

Then I get home and open my CM messages.

It would seem that the gentleman had an experience at church that made him decide to abandon his pursuit of a D/s lifestyle.

Oh. And then he deleted his account.

...

OK. Well… I do appreciate knowing. And I do hope his walk with the Lord leads him where he needs to be. I can only be grateful that my Deity, who created and loves me as I am, has never demanded that I turn my back on my own nature.

I know that there are all types of kinks, wide variances of preferences, and that even those with interests farthest from my own may well find their perfect counterpart who needs and requires exactly what they offer – and if so , that can’t really be a bad thing.

But still I find myself amazed at the apparent lack of understanding that when a submissive puts herself into the hands of a Dominant, he will shape and change her – often on a very fundamental level.

OK, that may not be a huge news flash. But what do folks think happens when that shaping, that molding, takes an unexpected turn and the sub finds herself broken in some fundamental way? What happens when a Dom succeeds in eroticizing his favorite kink for his delicious new toy and realizes only after the fact that the cost of doing so is that she is unable to perform her job successfully, that she no longer displays the wit and humor that first drew him to her, or that she has taken on irrational phobias that didn’t exist in her before her training began?

I’ve read more than once about a sub who was accidentally trained into being unable to orgasm at all due to training gone wrong. What about subs who end up afraid to speak at all in play? Or at all? I can see how it could happen. It doesn’t necessarily indicate an abusive Dom. Just one who pursued his image of a perfect plaything with no awareness of how his training might interact with the sub in question.

The psyche of a sub is a strange and twisting landscape that doubles back on itself unexpectedly and repeatedly. A sub who loves to be spanked with hairbrushes, open hand, paddles, slappers, books, what have you, may suddenly cringe and break into mindless panic when a ruler is pulled out of the play bag. Often even she doesn’t know where her triggers are until they are unexpectedly tripped. Not much chance of a Dom knowing about them in advance in that case.

Sub space is one of the least rational places I can imagine or describe. Heard from the filtered perspective of sub space, a loving Dom’s off-hand comments, thoughtless remarks, even gentle teasing can take on unintended and devastating meanings. It’s no good expecting a sub sunk deep in it’s depths to remember details or specific instructions. It is a landscape of pure sensation, pure reaction, of completely open vulnerability. It is amazing and heady and addictive – and the degree of scaring and damage that can occur to a sub’s psyche while she is there is staggering.

I’ve always felt that the true measure of a Dom’s skill is not in how deliciously he makes the floggers dance on my skin, or how proficient he is at focusing my attention on Him and His touch alone, or even in how well he can coax me into doing things for Him that force me to face my own fears and insecurities and that I would never have found the courage to attempt without His guidance.

No, the true measure of a Dom’s skill is, for me, how agile he is at recognizing a sub’s distress and how adept he is at pulling her back from the brink.

You notice I don’t specify his ability to avoid the landmines in the first place. True, skilled Dominants do their homework and learn how to read their sub and do tend to avoid random landmines more regularly than not. But frankly, this is a lifestyle that is all about pushing boundaries and dancing close to the flames. That some times things will blow up seems a guaranteed side effect of the way we choose to live.

But a Dominant who is skilled at damage control is a precious find too valuable not to treasure. And one who has the imagination and patience to mend a broken sub is truly deserving of worship.

It's a terrible thing to be broken.

Man. It must be rough being a male Dom.


No, really. I'm serious. I see profiles made of stern, intense guys promising strict discipline and 24/7 control. Wow. That's a whole lot of work. And most of these guys hold down full-time jobs too!


And I read forums where female subs rip Doms to shreds if the guys can't control her at her brattiest. Hey, I've delt with bratty kids. Sometimes the best choice available if you don't want to risk homicide charges is just to walk away.


I can't help but wonder if these Doms really know what they are getting into.


But then again I suspect that my experience as a mother and dealing with all of my kid's friends is why I can't grok why anyone would want to be a top....


/half-serious musing

*sigh* I'm going to have to do it.

Lately I've been obsessed with a serial fiction story posted on the web. fr3ddy25 introduced me to it and I'm totally hooked.

It's a "coming of age" story in the simplest of terms, but it's set in an alternate universe and is exceptionally well written. The characters are all multi-dimentional... and there is a VERY strong BDSM theme running through the story.

It won't be for everyone, but I simply have to share for those who might be interested. The more you know about alternative lifestyles, the more the author's plot twists and unexpected revelations about her universe will delight you.

If you're into campy, well-written, intellectually provocative stories, do check out http://www.talesofmu.com/