I’ll preface this by saying: I haven’t known many people who decided to get married without a significant courtship. You might want to seek help from people in your community who will tell you about their own life experiences.

But since you came here …

1. Don’t discount humor and attraction. They are important. Especially the humor part. If you think someone’s funny, the relationship is usually much better.

But it’s not just humor; it’s that’s special blend of humor and seriousness. Knowing when to be serious. Watch how they read the room.

2. Talk about feelings – even if it’s at a supervised gatherings. Explain how this scares you a bit. Find out if your companion says, “Not me! I’m fine!,” or if they offer something more revealing, like, “I’m scared, too.” If there’s vulnerability, that’s a good sign.

3. Accept chaos and lean on trusted loved ones. I wish I could tell you there was a way for anyone to know they will be happy with someone. Even if you’ve lived with someone and know everything, the future is a guessing game. We don’t know what will happen, and what personal skills we’ll need in a relationship. Some of this is about learning along the way.

This I know for sure: it’s all easier when you have a strong community. Never stop building it.

Also, maybe try this Love Letters podcast episode about a woman who wants what she’s seen in Hollywood rom-coms, but also knows her family will arrange her marriage. The story is revealing – and has a happy ending.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you learn about someone without dating them first? What kind of questions would you ask, or signs would you look for?

Also: what’s on your mind about your relationships? Or lack thereof? Send your question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form. I’ll be reading.